An Autobiography of Sorts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Some of us struggle with both vanity and insecurity. Let's hear what they have to say.

WARNING: Christianity/God mentioned. Vain and insecure messages. If those things make you uncomfortable, this is probably not the story for you.

Submitted: December 13, 2019

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Submitted: December 13, 2019

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A short creative nonfictional story by Aia Bunny. 

 

Setting: A quiet morning in my house, just after I've woken up. I'm brushing my teeth when I hear my phone buzz. I know who it is--two people I loathe. I don't answer, but I read the messages out of habit.

 

Vanity: I bet all your friends are envious of your gorgeous eyes. 

Insecurity: Stop looking at yourself! You're such a prideful jerk.

Vanity: Come on--with a figure like that, how could anyone resist you?

Insecurity: You're forgetting that weird deformation on yourself. Yeah, real attractive.  Maybe wear some makeup to cover that up.

Vanity: Yeah, wear makeup. You'll be flawless then--everyone will want to be your friend.

Insecurity: Ridiculous. Your friends don't really like you. Even the people you know now  only like who they think you are. They don't know you. Only we know you. And you're the  worst person in the world.

Vanity: No. You're the best in the world.

 

I shut off my phone to rant to God as I finish getting ready for the day, and He listens patiently. Without waiting for a reply, I browse the kitchen in search of a healthy breakfast. 

 

Insecurity: Should you really be eating raspberries? Fruit makes your face explode with zits.  No one likes zits. You look gross.

Vanity: We can agree on that.

 

I ignore them and munch on some berries, then grab some leftover meat and vegetables. A sense of mental discomfort has churned my stomach, but I know I get shaky when I'm hungry. So, I eat to avoid possible shakes and hanger. During my meal, my phone buzzes.

 

Vanity: You're such an amazing person, everyone looks up to you. They say you're such a  kind person--you know it's true. More people should be like you. 

Insecurity: If they really knew you, they'd think you're a wretch. Because you are. All you  think about is yourself. You, you, you, you. Why can't you be compassionate for once, you  jerk?

Vanity: Oh, come on, everyone likes you. Everyone should like you! I mean, think about  later today. You'll say something funny, and everyone will laugh and realize how hilarious  and witty you are. Let's rehearse what you're going to say about twenty times, just to make  sure you know how to deliver the punch line.

Insecurity: You selfish prick! Again, you think everyone is going to love you. Remember all  those times you said something you thought was funny? Did they laugh? No. Why? You're  boring and you try too hard. Stop the games, it's useless. You'll never be good at comedy like your friends.

Vanity: Whatever. We'll try the joke later. 

 

I finish breakfast and head off to class. Vanity and Insecurity continue messaging me, but I try to pay attention to the road and the worship music on the radio. Soon, I'm seated in my college trigonometry class, participating in the lesson.

 

Insecurity: Wow, you're in college and you still can't figure out what nine times five is. People really over estimate you when they say you're smart. 

Vanity: Hah! We guessed the answer to that before he wrote it on the board! You're an absolute genius, like, freaky smart. More people should realize how intelligent you are. 

Insecurity: Smart, yeah, sure. You just lost your place again.

Vanity: Yeah, but I bet way deep in your brain, you're literally the smartest person in the world. I bet if scientists had the technology and skill to look inside your brain, they'd be dumbfounded. We should check your IQ--I bet it's higher than average.

Insecurity: Then you'll just prove you're as intelligent as a pigeon and you won't get anywhere in life. Not that you'll get anywhere, anyway.

Vanity: Just focus on being awesome. That's how everyone sees you, so don't let them down.

Insecurity: If they knew who you really are, they'd double check their opinions. Because they're wrong. And you're wrong. And you suck.

Vanity: Forget asking the teacher for help, you don't need it.

Insecurity: You're just too stupid to even know how to phrase your question, and then you won't remember the answer.

 

The end of the day draws near. I lie in bed, insomnia singing me an anxious lullaby to rid me of sleep. I try to talk to God, but my phone is buzzing again. There's barely any pause between texts.

 

Vanity: Just think about all the times you were awesome today--you deserve it.

Insecurity: All you deserve is the gold metal of self-pity. You didn't even finish your homework tonight. Oh, boo-hoo, you didn't get to even enjoy yourself tonight and draw. Meanwhile some kid in Africa is starving, and what do you do? Pity yourself. Again. What a loser.

Vanity: We'll try being awesome tomorrow, because that's what you're supposed to be. I have a list of things you'll do and say sometime in the future that will get you friends guaranteed. Maybe you'll even get a partner. So many people have fallen for you in the past. Maybe there's a bunch after you right now, but they're tied to someone else or too shy to admit they like you. 

Insecurity: Oh, shut your worthless face. You never ended up with those people anyway. They moved on. They don't even think of you. I bet they'd gag to even look at you. All those girls on campus are about ten times hotter and smarter and kinder than you. You're gross.

Vanity: You're perfect.

Insecurity: You're conceited.

Vanity: You're the girl who turns heads on campus.

Insecurity: They look at you because you're a disaster. A mess. You're the perfect model of what they strive not to be.

Vanity: They're all just envious. You should show them how great you are. In fact, make them change their viewpoints to fit yours. It's not pushy, it's better for you.

Insecurity: You're never going to change.

Vanity: You don't have to change--you're the best right now.

 

The messages continue, the lullaby continues, until the sun rises and I'm knotted up inside. Another day of worries, of pride, of envy, and of restlessness. Another day of trying to be a better person, and wondering why I'm not receiving God's calls. But I sense a hope God is reaching out to me, that there's better things in store for me. I'll try and trust in God. Maybe He'll get me out of the rut soon.

 


© Copyright 2020 Aia Bunny. All rights reserved.

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