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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: December 15, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 15, 2019




You may have been better at the game,
and played it a little better,
because you came into my life at a time when I couldn’t get it together.

I should’ve seen it coming from miles away
because when something seems too good to be true it usually is.
But I don’t feel stupid or to blame for a truth that I knew but chose to ignore.
I'm just cultivating my intuition and I'm still learning how to use it.

You may have broken my trust, but you couldn’t break my spirit.
So let me clapback with a truth. You need to hear it.

I may be bitter now, but I’m not a quitter. 
You weren’t the winner in this,
You weren’t even a tacky, cheap-ass chicken dinner.
In fact, I would’ve swiped left if I saw you on Tinder.

You were just a bullshitter.
You’re just an unsure, immature, insecure child
who loves to go back to the same woman who treated you like trash
after you disposed of someone who tried to give you love.
Maybe I’m also a little fucked up
I was a victim of abuse too,
and settled for what I was used to,
but atleast I’m doing my best to work through this mess,
and that's why I vent instead of getting revenge.

Maybe sometimes I have to think out loud to figure out how
I keep attracting broken men, one after the other,
who are looking for a mother, to keep them in tact,
and balance out what they lack.

You’re just attracted by the chase,
and you think its her you’re fighting for, but the real reward is being validated.
And so you run into the arms of someone who harms you time and time again,
addicted to the game,
of being kept on your toes, throughout these highs and lows,
allowing her to degrade you, as you wait for her to save you
by smearing honey on the wounds that she inflicted.

Maybe I’m in the same position,
as you waste your days chasing her,
and I spend mine wanting you
after you moved on like we never existed.

You may have appeared to be the good guy,
but you use that as an alibi,
an excuse to justify why it's ok for you to show off a dick you don’t even got,
and then disappear, after taking what you want.

Don’t you know? I’ve got my venus sign in Leo,
in the 8th house ruled by Scorpio
and you'd appreciate that if you were familiar with astrology.
I know way too much about psychology and am too self aware to care about what you think of my raw honesty.

I’d be flexing if I said it didn’t hurt,
but at the very least, I know my worth,
I’d be lying if I said that I’m not trying to keep you off mind
by finding the next best thing to forget you
without even allowing myself to grieve
so I pretend this doesn’t bother me,
though sometimes I still question why I can’t get over our connection.
And I’m sure that you leaving was a blessing in disguise,
but what hurt me the worst, isn’t even that you didn’t tell me about her first,

It's that you couldn’t even give us a chance,
to see if we could be something worthy of pursuing
but I won’t beg you to choose me.
Because I do, and it’ll be you who sees that you were really the one to lose me.

I understand that not everyone feels and thinks as deeply as I can,
but that's just who I am,
and I used to feel ashamed for wearing my heart on my sleeve
but that was never something wrong with me,
It's such a rare, beautiful ability,
when you live in a desensitized, dysfunctional, traumatized society,
So I'm not afraid to put it all out there,
and share what I really felt, just to get it off my chest,
even if it's just through text and never see you again.
I’ll be ok with knowing I said all I could, with no regrets.
And that’s all that really matters in the end.

So what if you know what you meant to me?
Confessing it won’t change anything,
I’m just proud of how far I’ve come from where I used to be
now that I'm able to express myself authentically,
with my heart wide open
and I refuse to close it
just because its been broken.
I won’t lose a minute of sleep tonight, because I know I’ve done things right this time.

© Copyright 2020 Jade Krystalline. All rights reserved.

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