Doppelgänger 4

As I finished my pizza, I noticed Squared staring directly back at me.

"What are you looking at? And how did you finish your pizza so fast?" I asked. I knew the answer to the latter as soon as I said it. Super-speed. Apparently she used it even for eating.

Squared shrugged and continued to look at me intently.

"What?" I swiveled to look behind me, but there wasn't anything interesting going on back there. I turned back toward Squared and gave her a quizzical look.

"Freaking nothing."

"Enough with the freaking already! I'm just going to go for the full-on f-word if you don't cut out! But then, good luck not getting an XGC rating!"

Squared cocked her head in that odd, inhuman sort of way she had. Courtesy of her weird frea--ARG! I was even thinking the damn word all the time now!--genetic cocktail, I guess.

"So do you want to try out the whole superheroine gig? It probably doesn't pay very well, but you'll be famous. The downside is that you'll have to give up the whole heart-ripping thing. People don't really go for having their heroes holding still-beating hearts like trophies and all..."

Squared seemed to consider my words.

"On the other hand, you could totally go all supervillainess too! I mean, your signature move is tailor made for bad-guy calling card material. It's sorta cliche, though. Some other supervillain might have even trademarked that move or something. You might be sued for copyright infringement, I guess."

Squared stared into space, lost in thought.

"So watcha thinkin'? Superheroine or supervillainess?" This gave me a moment of pause. Were there any other options? I suppose she could be a super-something else. Like a gray area between the two? That still meant no heart-extracting, though, so I didn't think she'd go for it. I was fairly certain that heart removal automatically put a girl on team supervillain.

I wondered what I wanted Squared to become. It was kinda cool seeing myself with a superbod and superpowers. If I were Squared, what would I want to do? I wasn't overly concerned about looking out for anyone other than yours truly. On the other hand, I don't think I would want to go around ripping out hearts forever. Hmmm...

"I don't freaking know."

I knew one thing. I needed to get her off of this freaking "freaking" thing. And fast.

"Your natural instinct seems to lean in the villain direction," I said. "The upside of that option is that you can pretty much do whatever you want. It pays well too, since bank robbery is basically, like, expected in that career path. The downside is longevity. Supervillains don't tend to be around all that long before they end up dead or in jail."

"Superheroes tend to have longer careers, though it's still a pretty high-risk field, what with the occasional need to stop alien invasions and supervillains and all. But you're kinda stuck doing what other people are good with. Your hands are pretty much tied. It's best if you're really powerful for that line of work, anyway. Since you have to go up against people that are usually trying to kill you when you can't really go all in on killing them back, it probably makes things quite a bit tougher. Besides, heroes are expected to battle through adversity and shit, which probably sucks big-time."

Squared wrinkled her nose at this.

"So supervillain then?"

Squared shook her head no.

"Well, Squared, you're going to have to pick something 'cause the other superheroes and supervillains are going to place you in one camp or the other, and if you don't choose sides, you could end up being hunted by both sides. And that would really suck. Unless you're, like, crazy powerful and no one could really do anything to you anyway."

I wondered how Squared really would match up with the other super-folks in town...

Squared perked up, then disappeared, zipping out of the pizza place so quickly I couldn't even see her leave!

I finished my pizza and walked home.

While we had been out, the landlord's maintenance guy must have fixed my apartment door, because it was back on its hinges. Sweet! Privacy was nice when it was just me. Privacy was essential when my crazy sister was around. The occasional murder and consumption of expired fruitcake were best kept behind closed doors.

I opened the door, which crackled a bit as I pushed it open. Okay, so maybe the landlord's guys hadn't done such a great job, after all.

I flipped on the TV and plopped down, the latest ab zapper commercial really making me wonder if I could really get a six pack without leaving the couch. I idly wondered where Squared had gone, when, in my channel surfing, I came across a live news broadcast on the local news.

"Ultragirl and Dustcloud are really going at it now. It's so difficult to make out any actual details of the fight, however, given the nature of Dustcloud's... wait! There's a third person entering the fray! It looks like a woman..."

My jaw hit the floor--well, the fabric of the couch, anyway--as I recognized the perfect figure on the screen. It was me! Er, my clone! Wow--did she ever look good on TV... But what was she doing?

Squared walked up to the two dueling supers and grabbed each of them behind the head. She pulled their heads together with ridiculous force, cracking them together to send a concussive wave rolling through the area. The TV camera went black for a moment before coming back online with a burst of static to punctuate the rebirth of the video feed.

Squared was holding both the hero and villain by the collar of their respective uniforms, their heads lolling and feet dangling off the ground. Had she seriously just taken them both out in one move? That was pretty freaking (ARG! Must stop!) impressive!

My mind raced. Maybe she really could manage to be the world's first super-nothing-in-particular, straddling the line between truth, justice, and, well, lying and... um... inequality? I was going to have to work on this sales pitch. After all, I was probably going to need to handle her PR duties. Saying "freaking" every other word wasn't good for the ol' merchandising rights.

I wondered if people would buy Squared t-shirts. Not likely. Not with that name. I needed to think of a better super-name for my sorta-sister. Super Louisa? Tube girl? Lab Accident Woman? Shit! This was harder than it seemed like it should be! I was going to need to come up with something. Channel 5 was already scrambling to interview her as she dropped the super-powered combatants to the ground like two, um, really heavy sacks of potatoes? If I were going to run her PR for her, I was going to really need to work on the metaphors too.

I tried to think of more names... Heart-Ripper? Unlicensed Open-Heart Surgeon? Freak Girl?

Why was this so freaking diffi... WAIT! I had it! Heart-Stopper! Ooooooh. That was pretty freaking (Damn it all!) good! My eyes lit with dollar signs as I thought about the t-shirts that one could sell...

Eat your heart out Ultragirl! Heart-Stopper is here to, well, suck away your merchandise sales! Take that!

Squared broke down the door to my apartment again and walked inside. I smiled, and she smiled back.

I was so pleased that I didn't even make a snarky comment about the fact that she had just broken down my freaking (Yeah, I didn't know if I would really be able to completely stop with the whole "freaking" thing) door for the second time in the last few hours.

After all, who cares about a door, when you've just found out that your sister is the most powerful super-person in town!