Lucidity: Morpheus' Dream Revision

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is the first chapter of my novel revised and complete, I hope. Looking for someone to give any feedback and maybe compare it with the original as to its effectiveness. I'll post more chapters as I get them done.

Table of Contents

Darkness


To sum up this revision, I'm only going to post a few chapters of this before I start replacing the original with what I'm posting here. It won't be much longer, but to continue reading after
Chapter 3 please refer to the original titled work 'Lucidity: Morpheus' Dream' in my portfolio. Thanks for the reads and stay tuned.
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Aquos


John finds himself in a new world. Safe from the onslaught of the insects that he encountered, he trudges forward toward a new area but first he has to swim. Only one island appears to inhabit this
world, his struggle here will test his knowledge, his strength, and his ability to choose. Will he make the right choice?
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A Demonic Encounter


John continues his journey through Aquos--the second world. His trek up the plateau leads to an inner sanctum. Here he is faced with a being that chills his heart, and the air around him. Facing
his first enemy in the this crazy realm, John only wishes to run but circumstances see to it he is forced to brave this encounter. How does he fair?
Read Chapter


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Recent Comments

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C. S. Spence

You made a ton of improvements. The paragraphs are getting tighter and more interesting for sure. And John is more believable, imo. Sometimes less is more.

There is still a ton happening, and I would like to highlight what I think is important in the chapter.

1. John is/was military; 2. he is transported to a strange world; 3. he is chasing the sandman; 4. there is something bigger out there; 5. he wants to get back to earth.

I still think your descriptions are a tad too much, the quality is great, its just the quantity. I like the Oz parallel, it gives a great colorful image all by itself. From there, you could just pick one specific and interesting/important detail about the bubbles or shimmering things. I'm not a big fan of the bugs and the makeshift maces. He could find some maces on a skeleton, that would be more believable, imo.

Johnn seems really comfortable in this place. So one of two things imo: either he sits, crippled with fear, and at the end of the chapter he conquers his fear and heads into the unknown, or: he has done tons of research (like in the previous version), and simple allusions to that knowledge makes him comfortable. Theres lots of unimportant internal thoughts and utterings that can be replaces with something actually adds to the story.

"The Oracle's Book of Hidden Worlds had a page that looked just like this. Perhaps John wasn't the first human to set foot on this ethereal plane."

Are you married to the name "Sandman"? It is connotative to me and is not very threatening. Perhaps he goes by several names, and John, having done his research, knows his true name (something a little more menacing), and calls him by that. But that's just my .02

I've been through a similar process with one of my books, where it just never seemed like I had cut and revised enough. But its really good practice, and I'm interested to see where your style, and story, goes!

Thu, February 27th, 2020 6:39am

Author
Reply

Thanks for all the input. This is like the 7th revision to this chapter and as much as I'd like to continue working on it. It's getting tiresome.

The Sandman moniker is generic for this portion of the novel. His real name is Morpheus, hence the title of the book. There's a couple of twist and turns throughout.

John's comfort in the place gets explained around chapter 17 or 18 of the original novel, if I remember correctly. Also some of the things that seem important in this chapter become less important later. Like your story, it's a slow builder to some degree that picks up pace as it escalates toward the ending chapters. This novel is the setup to a four book series, hence the reason for a lot of description. Epic novel with long chapters kind of deal.

I encourage you to go back to the original and just read. Then, give an overall view of the story. Any feedback you give as you go will be bonus points towards my revisions.

Thu, February 27th, 2020 10:45am

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Ragulose

You use John's name a lot over and over, not sure why you do not put it more into first person; it is like reading a textbook. it is a good story but I Can not feel the characters, Seeing it more through Johns eyes i think would make it more fun to read. Over using words makes it grind in your mind. I Can not wait until You are fin. i really like you stuff

Mon, April 20th, 2020 10:38pm

Author
Reply

It's called third person omniscient for a reason, Ragulose. I originally had it in first person but about halfway through the book had to change to third person perspective once more characters started getting introduced. So, I went back and re-wrote the whole thing in third person as such John's name will get used a bit more this way, and I try not to use it back to back though. Only where it seems appropriate.

But I will take another look at that chapter to see if I'm using it more than I need to.

Ideally, if I do the third person well enough it should read as if you are right there watching it unfold with John. In my case, one of the Gods he comes in contact with later in the series is going to be the narrator, I believe. I'm planning a four book series with this story line. Got a lot of worlds, three minor demons, and one main demonic overlord in my Traumwelt universe to cover just yet.

Tue, April 21st, 2020 3:34pm

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