If crazy were a noise, it’d be ringing in your ears.
There’s a fly somewhere in the distance, or the buzz of electricity through a telephone wire more like. Except it’s not in the distance, it’s next to you, inside of you. It starts in your head, towards the top; where people tap when they say knock on wood and there’s no wood around. That’s where it lives, the noise; the high-pitched whine like a monster that’s always in torment. Always tormenting you.
Sometimes, when it’s decided to screech louder than other days, you end up on the floor. Crying. There’s no other place for you to be, to go. No other bit of hope that you can grab onto. So you sit on the floor, with your knees high up, and her head buried in your arms. Yet when you lift your head it’s still there, unchanged.
Sometimes, when it’s decided that it can’t be contained anymore you just want to rip your heart out. That will stop it, it can’t live without a heart. It can’t live without your heart. It’d be so easy, killing it like that. You’d never have to live another day with this monster in your head.
Yet you always move on, somehow. You can’t spend all day crying after all, there’s always things you need to do, and a life to get on with. It comes with you, wherever you go. Sometimes the noise of the world covers it for awhile, and you manage to forget. It just sits there, ringing it’s incessant bell, but at least for awhile, you can pretend it’s not.
it wants you to remember it exists. Maybe it’s nocturnal, sleeping when the world is busy, but rising when the world isn’t. It makes your world busy. It makes you wish you could cover your ears and block out everything, but you can’t block out what’s inside of you.
Each night you pray that in the morning you’ll wake up and it will be gone. It will have fled through your ear and dissipated in the air. You pray again the next night and the next.
You’re told it will go away, it just needs time. All monsters need a bit of time reigning before they get bored and move somewhere else. There’s nothing else that can be done; it will leave, one day.
The days go on. The tears begin to slow, what’s the point in crying about something that can’t be fixed? All you can do is wait so all you do is wait. You get used to it, it starts to become normal. You hate it, it’s not a friend, but you know it’s there, and you know you can live with it. Your heart stays within you.
The months go on. Yet the months, stop. You roll your head over one morning and pause, wait. You were going to say hello, as you pitifully do every morning, to the friend inside your head. And for a moment it’s not there. For a moment you hear every noise in the world, every breath of air around you. And it’s not there.
Your grin turns to a frown, as with the next breath of air you find an inkling. It’s still there, living inside your head. But less, just an inkling, just a murmur. It’s not a ringing of a bell, or the buzz of a telephone wire. It’s just a murmur of something dying.
It’s dying, and you’re not. It will die, and you won’t.
If crazy were a noise, it’d be ringing in your ears. But crazy isn’t a noise, and one day, the monster will be unheard.
Submitted: March 03, 2020
© Copyright 2021 Archia. All rights reserved.
Comments
really enjoyed this one, your imagery is amazing, had my skin crawling with that second paragraph! I'm not sure of the specific feelings/situation you are writing about, but as someone who struggles with mental health-- this hits home, your descriptions are so dang accurate for ways i have felt. can't wait to catch up on what else you've written recently!
Thu, March 5th, 2020 3:20am
Author
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Thanks so much for reading! It's actually about tinnitus, which isn't directly related to mental health but does mess with it a lot and was the bane of my existence for awhile. It's hard having a problem that people don't realise is a problem. I'm really glad that you enjoyed this one, your words mean a lot.
Thu, March 5th, 2020 4:32am
Neat. My crazy sound is a sentence from a song that I don't like, and that one line loops over and over. It's madness. You nailed how something so simple can just derail the whole day.
Sat, March 7th, 2020 5:50pm
Author
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Having songs playing over and over in your head can be infuriating sometimes. Thank you so much for reading, I'm glad you liked it.
Sat, March 7th, 2020 9:22pm
Great 'internal' writing. You favour second person in your stories, I think, and it really works well here.
Mon, May 4th, 2020 9:04am
Author
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Thanks so much for reading this. I do write in second person a lot, it's become a bit of a habit now.
Mon, May 4th, 2020 3:15am
Brilliant story, Archia and, in a way, I could relate to it. Last year I had a slipped disc in my spine, the pain was excrutiating, it was like living in a relentless nightmare, and I guess ringing in the head, although not a pain, would be just as torturous. As in your story, my pain slowly began to subside, and the nightmare faded. Great writing!
Mon, May 25th, 2020 7:55pm
Author
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Thank you so much or reading and taking the time to comment. That sounds like a terrible pain, but it's good to hear you're doing better.
Tue, May 26th, 2020 10:11pm
I love this, its very engaging, and for me, its relatable, I know exactly what you mean.
Wed, May 27th, 2020 2:55am
Author
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Thank you so much for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Tue, May 26th, 2020 10:11pm
Great piece of writing that has an amazing and somewhat suspenseful flow. I like the ideal logic of it all as you take the reader through events that lead to one after the other, its as if you are a doctor or psychiatrist explaining what the person will do over time. I also like the fact that you referred to the noise as a monster, giving it the sense of more power and frightful element even though it is something so small. Really enjoyed this piece and loved the build.
Reaper
Author
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Thanks so much for reading, I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Fri, July 24th, 2020 4:50pm
You have put into words what a lot of people feel but would find difficult to describe.
I spent 9 years working with M.H sufferers and can relate to what you describe here.
There is not enough empathy or understanding of the struggle some people have with M.H issues, and the movie industry doesn't help by using M.H sufferers as a scape goat for clumsy slasher movies.
Anyway that is another subject all together.
I good insightful piece of writing.
On the good side, it was presented well, with neat and tidy paragraphs, broken up for an easier read.
Thanks' for sharing it.
Author
Reply
Your work sounds very challenging, but it would've made a big difference for many people.
Thanks so much for reading and for your insights.
Heh, Crazy is a noise. It sounds like a cricket in your bedroom at night while you're trying to sleep. An interesting and insanely sound thought about the crazy that exists within us all. This is a very insightful piece as well as a look into the psychy of someone who seems to have experienced this phenomenon. I hope you haven't, though.
I tried to find anything that might be out of sorts with the structure, grammar and what not but I only saw one thing that was in error, Archia. I made sure to highlight it for you. It was an its when you needed and it instead, lol.
Author
Reply
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the little correction, I often miss things like that.
Sat, October 3rd, 2020 2:28am
I really loved this story. Your writing has a very visceral and intimate feel to it. It has rhythm that I really enjoyed because it made me feel like I was a part of the story. One of my favorite lines was "The months go on. Yet the months, stop. You roll your head over one morning and pause, wait". You very skillfully constructed a line that signified the breaking of a routine. I think that's a universal human experience of feeling the trudge of routine taking over and over and over again until it just, stops. There's a break in routine, a moment of mindfulness, a little awakening. You really carried me through a journey here. Great job!!
Wed, November 18th, 2020 10:13am
Author
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Hey Roxanne, thank you so much for reading this. I'm so glad you like that line, it's one of the lines I spent a little while on because I wanted it to have an impact but not seem too jarring. So I'm really happy you found so much from it.
Wed, November 18th, 2020 3:02am
The way you describe the experience of tinnitus is so accurate - it's an unnerving condition, not life-threatening per se but life changing. I enjoy the way you use words not just to describe but also to mimic the thing you're describing.
Fri, December 25th, 2020 5:22am
Author
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Thanks so much for reading. It isn't something which is life-threatening but it can still affect many areas of life.
Sat, December 26th, 2020 11:07pmFacebook Comments
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hullabaloo22
Brilliant writing, Archia. There's almost a little bit of crazy in the way you arrange those words. One of my favorite pieces of late.
Tue, March 3rd, 2020 8:17pmAuthor
Reply
I always appreciate you reading my stories Hully, and I'm so glad you liked this one so much. This one is probably a bit more personal than some of the other ones I've written.
Wed, March 4th, 2020 4:50am