Million Pound Appointments (Healing Hands)

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Mystery and Crime  |  House: Booksie Classic

The author would like to point out that this book is intended for adults due to it containing detailed imagery of : Death and Murder. Torture. Strong Bloody Violence. Hard-line Racism. Homophobia. Animal Cruelty. Detailed Sexual Activity.

(comedy, farce, absurdity, and retribution, are used as a counterbalance to the above)

Career criminal Kenny Webster, is obsessed with a forty-year-old BBC documentary of a little Indian boy (Amir) miraculously healing the sick with his healing-hands.

Kenny owes crime lord (Tommy Rae) money; money he doesn't have, and wonders if the little Indian boy (now a man) can still perform the miracles, and if he can, will the filthy-rich-and-dying pay to have Amir put his hands on them?

Only one way to find out - go to India and kidnap him...

What could possibly go wrong!

Table of Contents

Get up, you're going to India...

(from this chapter) Jane's jaw almost hits the floor because that was the last thing she was expecting to hear. If Ken knows the little boy is forty-seven, it means he's already thought it through,
which also means, he's deadly serious about finding him. Deadly serious about going to India. Deadly serious about bringing him back.
Read Chapter

Larry Lawrence...

(from this chapter) "A reporter who wants to do a follow up story?" Yawns Larry. "Yeah, and don't forget you're a close personal friend of Michael Aspel." "But I'm not. How am I going to pull that
off? I've never met the man in my life, and to be honest with you, I hope I never do. You can't trust an old man with a full head of white hair."
Read Chapter


(from this chapter) George Lazenby was a fat wig-wearing Greek twat. Sean Connery was a smarmy wig-wearing Irish twat with a cleft palate that made him sound Scottish. Timothy Dalton only got the
job because he was a groveling cock-sucking cocksucker who knew the producer. Pierce Brosnan was another Irish twat who sprays Mr. Sheen furniture polish on his face. Daniel Craig is half-Chinese
and is only four-foot tall...
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A stun-gun on an airplane!!

(from this chapter) "This is ridiculous. Am I the only one who speaks English here? Can someone please tell me what's going on, what's being said?" Apart from one overweight American businessman
who is somehow managing to sweat in his sleep, all the other passengers are Asian, and the English speaking ones amongst them are all desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with this
middle-aged hooligan...
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Every cloud...

(from this chapter) "Shit fuck bollocks rice-pudding nutmeg." Tommy Rae and Daz jump, and these two men don't jump. Larry has no idea he's just hollered, 'Shit fuck bollocks rice-pudding nutmeg',
at the top of his voice. He just thought Tommy Rae was on the verge of saying no to him...
Read Chapter

Pretty pink painted toenails...

6   For the past three days, the routine has been the same; Ken screaming the house down at 6AM because Larry hasn't been ... Read Chapter

Rashi, Meena, and dead-leg Larry...

7   Larry is looking at two young men calmly passing by his carriage window on the outside of the train carrying a goat. Sho... Read Chapter

my word is my bond...

8   Jane is trying to relax in the garden, but not having much success. Even though the windows are closed, and she's more... Read Chapter

Pick a number...

(from this chapter) As Mickey hits the floor, Doreen swells with pride. She controlled 'The Daz' putty in her hands he was. She wanted Mickey off the wall, and he's off the wall, and it only took
the C-word said through gritted teeth to achieve it...
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Welcome to England. Welcome to my home...

(from this chapter) "Huh?" Says a startled Craig. Not much of a retort from a man that was just almost pushed over and had the C-word machine-gunned at him. He knows he heard it, he thinks he heard
it, didn't he? Call him that in a pub or a club and you'll wake up with elaborate wiring around your jaw...
Read Chapter

Bath night...

(from this chapter) Ken is now in full steam ahead mode and there's no stopping him. He walks over to Rajeev and Amir. In Ken's mind, he's only going to borrow Rajeev for a couple of minutes, kill
him for a couple of minutes, then his brother will miraculously bring him back to life and all will be well in the world...
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Jab Jab uppercut body punch...

(from this chapter) The fact that the replacement Bonny may not want to lie at the bottom of Jane's bed anymore Ken could probably explain away, but trying to explain away why Bonny no longer has
one dark brown eye and one dark green eye, Ken hasn’t really thought about, and that’s almost certainly because he doesn't know about Bonny's eye anomaly; he only ever stroked her once, and that
was only because he'd spilt a drop of coffee on his hand.
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Marcus Wiseman

This is a very short (setup) chapter...
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Coco The Clown...

(from this chapter) The woman now becomes very self-conscious of her missing half-leg and covers it up. "You can't help me then?" She asks. "Of course I can't help you." He shouts. "You've got more
chance of it coming back by standing in a fucking growbag at night than you do by coming here."
Read Chapter


(from this chapter) "Injured Party?" Says Ken. "Why have I never heard of them?" "Thrash Metal Kenneth. Thrash Metal" "What the fuck's that?" "Heavy metal music, but heavier." "Oh. Any good?"
Marcus takes a sip of champagne… "Horrendous dear boy. Horrendous."
Read Chapter

Killing Miss Daisy...

(from this chapter) Ken hands Karen three pieces of paper. It takes a second or two for her to become conscious of what she's holding; copies of Karen and Noz's birth certificates and their latest
bank statement. "Our birth certificates?" She gasps. "How the hell did you get these?"
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Peppa Pig

I will kill them, kill them all…
Read Chapter

Mediocre underpants...

This is a short chapter as this and the following chapter are happening in real-time...
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Isn't She Lovely...

(from this chapter) "Killing Rajeev twice has to be the worst. Who the fuck kills people twice?"
Read Chapter

Bandaged Knuckles?

(from this chapter) We all have it in us when we're young; little girls I mean. It starts when we first notice the opposite sex and they first notice us. Chasing boys around a park, catching them
and giving them a good wallop, or play fighting with them at the school bus stop, well, it's just part of growing up for a young girl. I truly believe it’s the first step on the rung of the sexual
ladder. My knickers would be soaking wet when I'd get home from school sometimes. God knows what my mother must have thought when she did the weekly wash…
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(from this chapter) Ken steps over the unconscious aging rock God, whilst Larry puts him in the recovery position.
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(from this chapter) "With that Yankee twang? Do me a favour."
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Come In The Bath...

(from this short chapter)

and down the plughole goes the incriminating evidence...
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The Thought Of Escape...

(from this chapter) "Seven or eight?" Snaps Larry. "You said, and I quote… 'Once Gunga Din has done his voodoo on old big bollocks and his missus, they're history'.

"I know, but I'd like to make some money out of him as well Larry...
Read Chapter

Stuff That!

(from this chapter) "You ugly little bastard. You look like Hitler…" He bends down to read the small nameplate. "Squirrel monkey? You should be a lot bigger than that if you eat fucking squirrels,
you're not that much bigger than a fucking squirrel yourself you greedy little cunt."
Read Chapter

Robin Williams

(from this chapter) Now unless you are au fait with career criminal lingo, you won't know what 'Watering' means. It simply means, if you want to wake someone up that you earlier knocked
unconscious, you urinate on their face. A bucket of cold water will do the same trick, but body temperature urine lets you know your place in the world as you come round. Especially, when you
realise what it is that's bringing you round.
Read Chapter

Chateau Margaux 2009

(from this chapter) "Us racists? That's rich coming from you two." Shouts Ken. "You’ve got a fucking slave working for you. Chicken George."

"A slave?" shouts Noz. "The man was educated at Eaton...
Read Chapter

We Could Have A Baby

(from this chapter) Noz looks like he's just had a Botox shower. He's standing straighter. The whites of his eyes that were permanently discoloured by alcohol abuse from years ago are now white
again. His skin looks firm and taut, and he has a spring in his step even though he's standing still.
Read Chapter


(from this chapter) Neither Tommy nor Daz knows that Rita was actually born a man, Randolph Bellman. Randolph underwent a full sex change at the age of thirty-five, but had a change of heart at the
age of forty-six, unfortunately, they don’t keep your bollocks in cold storage should such a change of heart transpire.
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Dear Boy...

(from this chapter) To Ken, it's simple; if you're gay – keep-a-fucking-way. He would no more put his penis in a man's mouth than he would a crocodile's mouth...
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Alcohol-Free Bubbly...

(from this chapter) The smug look on Jacob's face gradually fades away and is replaced by a look of uncertainty, shortly followed by a look of shock, quickly followed by a look of pain, followed by
Karen and Noz spitting their drinks high into the air...
Read Chapter

Flailing birds.

32   Rajeev is trying to read the Sir Roger Moore autobiography when the door opens and Amir is unceremoniously throw... Read Chapter

Big Black Nasty Thing

(from this chapter) "Dildos and acid? She's a fucking fifteen-year-old little girl. That's too much. You must have frightened the fucking life out of her. Poor little thing." Tommy Rae gives Daz an
annoyed, 'I told you' look...
Read Chapter

What Gnome Was It?

(from this chapter) "You were meant to be looking after them. I don’t call kicking him in the head looking after them, do you?" Ken holds out the gun and Larry thinks he is going to shoot him. "Put
this back in the safe." Larry sighs with relief. He isn't going to shoot him. As Larry reaches for the gun, Ken pulls the trigger...
Read Chapter

It's Party Time...

(from this chapter) "You already have an advantage over me to begin with; your hands are twice the size of mine. In fact, they're twice the size of a fucking gorilla's. You're a fucking liar. Stand
still. I get a free throw."
Read Chapter

Gus The Veterinarian.

(from this chapter) Not liking animals, being allergic to cat hair and having a deep-set fear of anything with a beak, he was struggling to make ends meet, so an offer of twelve-thousand in cash to
sort the six men out; two-thousand from each, was just too enticing for him to turn down, and so began his association with criminals...
Read Chapter


(from this chapter) She's about to attempt to knock him out again, when she becomes conscious of the awful smell in the room and puts her hand over her nose and mouth...
Read Chapter

Gin & Tonic Please.

(from this chapter) As Ken walks towards the house, he takes out a gun and holds it by his side; clearly, he wants Larry to see it, and he does...
Read Chapter

Time To Meet Clint!

"Let's be honest, who's going to ask questions about a small debit on their bank statement when it shows up as being debited from a shop or petrol station they use all the time. Clever or what?
Joint accounts are the best. The husband might look at it and see a debit of £19.99 from M&S and think his wife has bought some fuck-off-knickers and he's going to be in for a treat at the
Read Chapter

He Jumped.

(from this chapter) She's also decided she'll never beat the crap out of any of the heavies again just to reach one of her sadistic borderline sadomasochistic orgasms; after all, she now has a big
black nasty thing she can play with...
Read Chapter

The New Wearer Of Ken's Crown.

(from this chapter) Having had far too much whisky, he struggles to load a repeat shotgun, dropping most of the shells on the floor. Jane comes over to him but he pushes her to the ground; he
thinks she's part of what's going on here. He looks at Craig who calmly smiles back at him...
Read Chapter

What A Mess.

(from this quick-fire chapter) "Larry." She says slowly. "I don't think he's dead."
Read Chapter

Cliff And Elton.

(from this quick-fire chapter) Daz starts to thump his fist down on the boot. Cliff and Elton start yelping. Seconds later, so do Rajeev and Amir.
Read Chapter

Her Right Palm

(from this chapter) "Are you allowed to inject animal medicines into humans?"

"No of course not."

"Well you just did."

"You made me. I'll just tell them the truth. I'll tell them you made me."
Read Chapter

Breathe Slowly

(from this chapter) Tommy Rae shoots him a look. He's trying to have a sensible conversation with Rajeev and Amir to get to the bottom of things, but Daz's laugh; a mixture of a donkey braying and
a deaf man yodeling is putting him off somewhat...
Read Chapter

You've Buried Him?!

46   Gus comes back into the bedroom covered in blood and dirt. "It's done. I've buried him. Can I go now?" "No you ... Read Chapter

Cowboys And Flies

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) "Careful lads, I've been nice to you up until now. If you pay someone a visit and they tell a few jokes – laugh. Smile. Clap. Don’t just…" They both heard the word smile, so
they quickly smile. "That’s better. See? I'm funny. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Fly killer sprays...
Read Chapter

Sniveling Little Toad

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) Ken's body jolts. Jane stands up. Larry takes a step backwards, and Gus leaves the room unnoticed...
Read Chapter

Find Me A Sick Person

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) Normally these two can read each other like books. But on the odd occasion; and this being one of those odd occasions, the books are in different languages, BUT not only that,
one of them is in braille...
Read Chapter

Special Delivery

Some of the following chapters are quite short. This is due to them happening in real-time; flicking from scene to scene/chapter to chapter.
Read Chapter


(FROM THIS CHAPTER) She punches him in the ribs; he doubles over and makes a meek melodic moaning sound. A sign of pleasure instantly registers on Jane's face and between her legs. She'd love to
carry on, but having an orgasm whilst beating Gus to a pulp in front of Larry while your husband is unconscious and suffering from God knows what, might not go down too well...
Read Chapter

Tom And Who?

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) "To be honest with you old fella, I'm not sure if it's Tom or Jerry that does it, or Tom on his own, or Jerry on his own, or if they do it together as some sort of double act, I
aint got a fucking clue."
Read Chapter

Tom Jones

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) "Oi you nothing." He shouts back. "You've killed smart-mouth. You’ve more than likely killed Ra, Raj, what's-his-face. You've beaten up poor old Gus there. You've damaged the
main gate, and you've written off Tom Jones's car. So, if I want to Oi you, I fucking will."
Read Chapter

Pointblank Range

54   "So, what's it like knowing you only have a couple of months to live?" Tommy Rae asks Leonard. "Do you really need ... Read Chapter


(FROM THIS CHAPTER) "He knows you're going to come calling love. But the fact you leave it for a while will worry him. It'd worry me. It'd worry you, wouldn't it? He'll be thinking, 'Where is he?
Where's Ken. Why hasn't he turned up yet?'
Read Chapter

Where Are You From?

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) "Not Indian Pakistanis from Pakistan. Just plain old Indians from India."
Read Chapter

Have Your Gun Back

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) Larry and Jane look out of the window at Gus on his back crying like a baby, and with contempt in her voice, Jane says…
Read Chapter

A Burning Success

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) For the next twenty-minutes, Len pours whisky, brandy, gin, and vodka, over various flammable items. Carpets, bookcases, tables, chairs, and curtains while Rajeev and Amir look
on. They look at each other, and with the overpowering smell of alcohol in the air...
Read Chapter

Mr. Zachary

(FROM THIS CHAPTER) Seventeen of his children being the result of not taking 'no' for an answer...
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DCI Doran


"He looks more like a plumber than a DCI." Adds Jane laughing. "What the fuck has Tommy got on him I wonder?" Says Ken. "I think he's like your gay Gavin; gay, so it must be that." Says Larry.
Read Chapter

Dead But Still Talking


"Normally, I'd kill a cunt like you. What's in the other ones?" "I have no idea, but I'm guessing, blackmailing evidence..." "Get in."
Read Chapter

Campdown Races


"And all the time you were out gallivanting with these two; climbing up drainpipes like Spiderman, and killing crime lords."
Read Chapter

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