No Longer

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Some of these events actually took place in real life.

Image used from pexels by: Kat Jayne

I never imagined that fight being the last thing that I had ever done in my short-lived life. I had met a man 6 years prior to the last night of my life. He was broken and  me being the person that I am, I wanted to fix him, help him heal. I too was a bit broken, just a bit more put together than him. He was everything to me, he was so sweet, we did have arguments and fights but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I took care of him, when he lost his job, I was there. I kept him fed and taken care of. My fears had become reality, he started to act different, he became distant, disrespectful and unkind.

I questioned him, hoping to figure out why, what had went wrong. He told me I had change for the worst, I had become too clingy, too needy, always in his business, he couldn’t use his phone around me, complained he had no privacy. Automatically it made me reevaluate myself. I had asked once or twice who he was talking to on the phone but in my defense it was not out of jealousy or because I thought he was being unfaithful. He took it that way, so I began the process on fixing myself, meanwhile he wasn’t trying to fix himself. In fact he began or continued to cheat on me and treat me bad. I tried to leave but he’d alwaysguilt trip me into taking him back.

In the midst of it all I found out I was having his child, shortly after I lost it. It crushed my soul and he was not there to comfort me, I felt alone, unwanted. My love for him, my hope for us kept me weak, made me pretend to be blind for him. If I would’ve known that night id be taking my last breath I never would’ve went home. I called him, we talked for about 20 minutes, it was a Monday march 2, 2001. We texted back and forth all day until I got off work, cute messages. I remember asking “what would you like to eat, I’m going to stop by the grocery store before I get home?” He replied “chicken or shrimp alfredo”.

Everything seemed fine to me, nothing out of the ordinary. I bought the food and was on my way home. As I pulled up to my house, there was a strange car parked in my driveway. I had never seen the car before so I knew it couldn’t be for me. I figured maybe one of his friends came over to visit him, although he never told me anyone was coming over. I walked towards my front door carrying the groceries, unlocked the door and walked in, he wasn’t in the living room, nor was he in the kitchen. My mind started racing, heart started beating extremely fast. “could this be” I began to think, is he really doing what I think he’s doing, what exactly is going on, I kept thinking. I was shaking, nervous and confused,, I didn’t know whether to call his name or quietly creep towards my bedroom door. He knew I was coming home so I wasn’t understanding, my mind wasn’t processing things.

If this was what I thought it was I wanted to catch him in action and then free myself of him once and for all. So, I crept to my bedroom door, my eyes spotted a figure, I heard noises my jaw dropped, and tears immediately filled my eyes. “how could you?” I yelled, “and in my house, the bed we’ve shared for years”. They jumped up so fast. It kept repeating in my head he was cheating on me, in my house, in our bed, how could he do such a thing to me, ive been nothing but good to him. He knew I was coming home. I was in total shock, so many emotions flooded my body at that moment, I was stuck right where I was standing. Immediately the girl starts crying and begging, pleading as if I were holding a gun. While he started with the” baby, baby, baby I’m sorry, I didn’t”. I ran at her knowing, I should’ve charged at him first. I was furious, I was sad.

I had an idea he was sleeping around behind my back, but I thought he had enough decency to take his sorry slimy self elsewhere. I caught her about 5 good times and finally he pulled me off her and she snatched up all her stuff and ran out of my house. At that point I turned to him and began swinging without even thinking not knowing if he’d hit me back or what. Slapped the dog crap out of me, I flew into the wall. He said very coldly yet sternly “you better calm the hell down right now”. I picked myself up off the floor and wiped away my tears and told him. “I want you out of my damn house right the hell now”.

He stood there as if he didn’t understand what I said. “you heard what I said pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house now”, I demanded. Standing there naked he slowly walked towards the bathroom. I snatched the covers off the bed, these were going to the trash I thought, or better yet he can take these as a souvenir. I assumed he cleaned himself up, he came out the bathroom moping around, slowly packing his stuff. “babe “, he tried to say. “don’t babe me, there is nothing you can say to fix this, just get the hell out of my house right the hell now”.

That’s when he changed, he turned into the devil and this look came over him that I had never seen before. “your house?”, he asked. “bxxxh this is our house, I’ve been living here the past few years and as far as I’m concerned if you’re unhappy pack your stuff and you leave”, he said with a half smirk on his face. “you broke, lazy, good for nothing, cheating bastard, who pays these bills, whose name is on this place, your cheap self hasn’t done much of anything here besides take up space”, I yelled. It must’ve hit a nerve because he hit me so hard it took me awhile to begin to breathe again. More tears rolled down my face as I tried to realize what had just happened. “if you were doing your job as my woman this never would have happened, if you weren’t such a raggedy piece of garbage, you would have had a faithful man”, he said.

I just sat on the floor and cried. “you killed my baby on purpose”, he said. At that point I began to cry harder how could anyone say such a thing to a mother who lost her child. I could never harm a child because their other parent wasn’t too good. I yelled out “that’s a damn lie, how dare you say something like that to me, you didn’t want the baby”. I should’ve gotten off that floor, at the last minute I realized the mistake I made because he kicked me. All I could is ball up in the fetal position and cry and beg him to stop. In that moment I felt all the hate he secretly had for me and I couldn’t understand why.

I loved him, I took care of him, I supported him. He kept beating me and I laid there and screamed and cried. I tried to crawl away, but he just wouldn’t let up. He seen me going towards my phone, he grabbed it up before I did and ran it into the bathroom to put water in it, I cried so hard. Yet while he was doing that I limped towards the front door and was almost out, until I felt my hair being snatched back into the living room. I hit the floor and cried and cried. I kept thinking to myself “god please, this is not how I want to go out, please help me, please save me”. He sat next to me and leaned on me, talking to me as if I cared about anything he was saying.

Everything was leading back to everything he did wrong in the relationship being my fault. While he talked, he sat there slapping me in the mouth. My lips were so sore from my teeth constantly hitting them, that they swelled up like balloons, I could hardly see due to the tears and the time hit kicked me. I just thought “is it over yet, is he done, will I survive”. One thing I was most scared of was being choked. He climbed on top of me, I tried to fight but my body was weak. He did it, he slid his hands around my neck and began to choke me, I fought, I fought as hard as I could with all my might, yet it was not enough. Six and a half years I spent with this man and this is how he repays me.

This is how it’s going to end for me. I felt myself slipping away, things were starting to go pitch black, the noises were fading out. The next thing I know I’m being awakened by water thrown on me. I woke up terrified. “what happened, what did you do to me?” I ask. “shut up you passed out for a while, you’re alright”, he said.

“now let’s talk about this incident that just took place”, he said. “what about it?” I asked. “Do you still want me gone?” he questioned. I wanted to lie just so he would stop beating me, but I knew after this incident I never wanted to see his face again. “yes, I do, maybe you can be with the girl who just left”, I said honestly. Something told me not to answer truthfully, yet I still felt like I needed not to lie, things may have become more worse had I done that. He began walking towards me, while I’m sitting in the middle of the living room floor. “Please” I begged. “please what bxxxh”, he says.

“what do you want, you want to stay, fine”, I said. “I want to stay, but also want to stay with you, I’d be a damn fool to let you go “he said. “I been doing this for years, I been out of work and so much more and you been taking care of me, you think that girl has a place of her own, none of these whores are willing to do what it is you do for me”, he said. “I can’t say that I will stay with you”, once again I stupidly answered. Bruised broken and bloody I sat there crying hoping he’d let me live, but at this point I just didn’t know how this would play out. He kept telling me how he wanted things to go back to the way they were, he wanted to be able to cheat in peace and keep me, mistreat and abuse me.

I couldn’t find it in myself to agree to those crappy circumstances and I guess he became fed up, because the beatings began again. Seemed like it went on forever, he tore my clothes off me and tried to turn everything around on me calling me whores. While abusing me he began kissing my neck and rubbing on me. Of course, I was confused and wasn’t up for it, so I was moving away. Yet the more I rejected him the harder he came for me. Eventually he began to slide his hand up my thigh and into my panties and I cried and squirmed trying to get away, how could you cheat on me get caught, beat and blame me and then try to get sexual with me. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t want any of it. The screams, the yells, the crying, the tears and blood did not stop him from doing what he wanted to do. My body was weak I was wearing down, I was a complete mess, I had very little fight left in me. He took it, as I laid there and just cried, I tried to push him off me, but it didn’t work he overpowered me of course.

After he was done, he allowed me to get up, it was hard for me to walk, so I slowly walked towards the bathroom. I looked like a baby who had just learned to walk, holding on to walls and things just to get to the bathroom. He came in “you need help into the shower?” he asked. “no, I’m okay”, I cried. I closed the door and looked in the mirror and what I saw made me break down even more. I couldn’t recognize myself; my eye was swollen; my lips were swollen there was blood everywhere and honestly, I couldn’t tell what it was coming from. I turned on the shower water, let it get hot and sat in there for what seemed like hours just crying and watching blood wash off me and mix in with the water to go down the drain. I was sore but I knew once I woke up is when I’d feel the real pain. As I got out the shower and headed in the room, he was already in there waiting in the bed as if everything was good.

As much as I didn’t want to lay next to him, I just did it. I didn’t want to be beat anymore. I couldn’t help but think what people were going to say when and if they seen me. How would I explain this, I was too embarrassed? Eventually he passed out and I couldn’t sleep, I just kept crying. I snuck out the bed, grabbed a bag and began to pack, I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could, and I was doing good up until I got to the front door. There was no way to get out of it without hearing the creaking. I moved as slow as I possibly could, yet he still woke up. “what ell do you think you’re doing?” he asked while standing in the room door. My heart dropped and I turned around and began crying immediately “I cannot stay with you, I have to leave, I need medical attention”, I said.

He assumed I was going to tell on him, and he charged at me. More kicks and punches came. There was nothing more I could do. I fought back with all my strength. Was almost out the front door hoping maybe a neighbor would hear me scream and call for the police. He wouldn’t ease up, I was already bruised and damaged, I couldn’t really fight back. Yet he had no mercy. Once again, he choked me, and I swung and swung until I could no longer.  This time when I woke up, I was staring at him on my body, trying to bring me back. I stood back and watched him try to revive me. When suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder as a voice said, “you’re free now, no more pain and suffering”.

I turned around and walked towards the light, it was all over.



Submitted: April 24, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Doria sanders. All rights reserved.

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Craig Davison

I live such a simple and boring life. I finished a 4000 word story about the impossibility of my love for the 'sooky girl' entitled: "A Heart Worth Giving". I am currently working on the songs I've written about her: "Farewell Blues", "Love lies Bleeding", "One Horse Town" and "Me and the Captain". Stay in touch. I love your writing. It packs a punch, whereas mine feels rather trivial and bourgeois, but I am a bit trivial and bourgeois. We are who we are and these are hard days in which to survive the pandemic. Take lots of care and avoid bad men. There are good men in the world, but they are few and far between.
All the best,
Your friend Craig.

Fri, April 24th, 2020 4:54am


Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this as well.

Fri, April 24th, 2020 1:13am


That was an incredibly moving and powerful story, well -written, and charged with emotion - your emotion. I am sorry you endured some of these experiences at the hands of such a bestial animal but I understand that love and devotion are complex and you got across the complexities of love & trust. Thank you for sharing your experiences and helping others. I hope your life has turned out for the best. Sty well, stay safe. Best Wishes, HJ

Thu, May 28th, 2020 8:43pm


Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it

Thu, May 28th, 2020 1:51pm


This gave me goosebumps. It is really well written.

Thu, May 28th, 2020 10:04pm


Thank you very much.

Thu, May 28th, 2020 3:11pm

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