The Words I Never Said

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

My best friend. The boy I'm in love with but have never been able to tell him

Ben, I haven't been fully honest with you. 

There's something that I haven't told you and I don't know how much longer I can bottle it up. 


Ben, I'm in love with you. I have been since my freshman year. Didn't realize it till my junior year. 

I never told you because I was so scared of losing you. I'm still scared of losing you. 

 

I love your smile, you laugh, your personality, the way you understand and listen to me. Everything about you. You're my best friend, I don't know what I would ever do without you in my life. I want you to be happy and I'm glad that you are happy within your current relationship. You deserve to be happy. You guys are really good together. 

 

But that doesn't make the sting hurt any less. Everytime I listen to Mayday Parade I can't help but think of you. Honestly it's like with most of the music I listen to. I can't help but cry when I hear most songs. Because I know that you will never feel the same way about me. But I'm content as long as you are in my life. 

I feel like I'm fighting a hydra, the monster from Greek Mythology. You cut off a head two more grow back in it's place. The more I run away from my feelings for you and the more I think it works, I realize that they are still there. 

And I know what I'm doing. I know that cutting the heads off isn't working but I continue to do it anyway because I keep convincing myself that if I do it enough, the hydra will die. 

I want to tell you how safe I feel when you hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. I want to tell you how happy I am when I get a message from you asking to hangout. All those gas station trips at ten o'clock at night, sitting at the signs in front of our neighborhood looking up at the stars and talking about life. All the times where we sat on my front deck throwing pistachio shells in my front lawn, seeing who could throw the farthest. The times where we sit on front of your house drinking Monster Energy and singing songs that remind us of each other. The times where we walk down to the creek and mimic the sounds the wildlife make. Where we walk down to Mr.Quicks and just talk like normal people, like we aren't troubled teenagers. All those times at all those places where sometimes we just sit in silence and enjoy each other's company. And all the times where you would show up at my front door at one in the morning out of nowhere and we would walk around, singing and talking till three in the morning where we walk each other home having that awkward or heartwarming 'see you soon' that sometimes had one of those comforting hugs. Every one of those moments make me the happiest person alive. And I cherish every single one. 

 

I want to tell you about all the times where I stay up all night listening to the playlist of music that makes me think about you, with you on my mind. Sometimes crying quietly to myself because I know that I'm a fool for letting myself fall in love with you, someone I could neve have. 

 

I wish I had the courage to face you and say 'I love you'. 

 

 

 


Submitted: April 26, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Delphines. All rights reserved.

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