Bloodless Episode 18

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Naomi asks Oliver to get pain pills for Colton, and so Oliver is forced to team up with Charlie to do just that. Kenny and Jackie team up to extort money from Roy. Colton suffers from pain after a major biking accident puts him in the hospital.







“You were such a super guy, until the second you get a whiff of me. We’re like a wishing well and a bolt of electricity- and we can still support each other, all we gotta do is avoid each other, nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key”

  • Fiona Apple


(We start with a shot of a trail going through a forested area. A nut rests in the middle of the trail, and a squirrel comes into shot and begins chewing on it. As he rotates the nut, another squirrel gets up in his grill. The squirrel swipes at the acorn, but the squirrel turns away. The squirrel swipes again, causing the other squirrel to drop the acorn and they begin wrestling each other on the side of the trail. We then see two mountain bikes whip by, and we pan up to a tracking shot of Naomi, Oliver’s ex, trailing her boyfriend Colton, who is on his mountain bike)


NAOMI: …Colton, the turn coming up is pretty sharp, be careful!

(Cut over to Colton who’s looking at his phone)


COLTON: What’s that? Sorry, I’m checking how many YouTube subscribers I have- do they send you a plaque for 1,500?


(Colton approaches the turn)


NAOMI: COLTON!! (Colton looks up and overcorrects, causing the bike to swerve off the trail and down a hill- Colton tumbles over hard rocks and at least several branches. Naomi screeches to a stop as she watches Colton tumble) COLTON! Holy fuck. COLTON, ARE YOU OKAY?!


(Naomi shakes her head and takes out her phone. Cut to Naomi in the parking lot of a nature trail watching Colton being airlifted a nearby hospital. Tears are streaming down her face. A police officer wearing an M-95 walks over)


POLICE OFFICER: I’m so sorry about your boyfriend. (The officer hands her a slip of paper) This is the fine for trespassing on the park during the lockdown.


(Naomi starts crying even more as she looks at the ticket. Cut to Oliver and Roy’s apartment. Oliver and Kelly are sitting on the couch, separated by its entire length. They’re both wearing sweatpants- and Oliver clearly has a pronounced erection. Kelly smiles as she notices it. Oliver looks over at Kelly and places his finger over his mouth)


OLIVER: Shhhhh.


KELLY: (Whispering) Should be any moment.


(Roy comes out of the kitchen, shirtless, and stretches)


ROY: Oh, goddamn, I’m tired.


OLIVER: Well, maybe you should go to sleep then.


ROY: Nah, I’ll probably stay up at least a bit longer. Don’t wanna toss and turn, you know? (Roy plops in between them and picks up his controller. Oliver and Kelly look disappointed, as Oliver crosses his legs to hide his erection) Gonna play some GTA. You wanna play after I die?


(Oliver shrugs)


OLIVER: Yeah, sure.


ROY: Yo, you guys wanna watch Lord of the Rings director’s cut tonight?


(Oliver and Kelly give each other a look. Cut to the two of them in Oliver’s bed, having sex as quietly as possible with Kelly on top and the sheet covering all but her shoulders. While Kelly gyrates, Oliver keeps his finger to his mouth)


KELLY: (Whispering) You don’t have to-


OLIVER: (Whispering) He’s right in the other room.


KELLY: (Whispering) This is so silly…


OLIVER: (Whispering) Just remember, under the sheets and lie flat-


(Roy knocks on the door. Kelly slips under the covers and lies flat, as Roy goes ahead and pokes his head in. Oliver puts his hands behind his head, non-chalantly)


ROY: Hey, dude, you know where Kelly is?


OLIVER: Nah, is she not out there?


ROY: No, it’s weird, she’s not supposed to be goin’ anywhere with the lockdown order. Death toll passed 50,000 today, you hear about that?


OLIVER: Yeah, crazy. Maybe she went on a walk.


ROY: Yeah… (Roy is about to close the door, but then glances at Oliver suspiciously) were you beatin’ your meat?




ROY: Oh. My bad.


(Roy closes the door. Kelly can’t help but bust out laughing)


OLIVER: Shhhhhh!!!


(Cut to Oliver and Kelly lying in bed later that night. Kelly is fast asleep, while Oliver lays awake. Cut to Oliver on his laptop in the corner of the room. Oliver scrolls through a vampire forum called “Feature of the Night”. Oliver scrolls frantically through post after post, with features about “Refrigerating Blood in Quarantine”, “Neat Beaver Blood Recipes for staying Inside” and “The Rip of a Woman’s throat ASMR for tingles & relaxation”. Finally he searches “fake blood” and finds nothing but results for Beyond Blood. He scrolls over numerous comments saying “Beyond Blood IS real human blood” and “pussy vamps beware- Beyond Blood is a scam” and finally, “there is no such thing as convincing fake human blood”. Oliver tosses his laptop aside in frustration, with his face now fully in vampire form. He looks over at Kelly, who’s propped up)


KELLY: What’s up?


OLIVER: Nothing.


(Oliver closes the laptop quickly)


KELLY: Jesus, didn’t you get your nut already?


OLIVER: Yes, I wasn’t- just, go back to sleep. (Kelly glares at him) If you want!


(Kelly sighs and lies her head back on the pillow. Oliver casts a glance at the window. Cut to the next day, Oliver is sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and staring into the distance. Roy walks in wearing basketball shorts and a muscle shirt and looking a this phone)


ROY: Whoa, you hear about Kim Jong-Un and how he might be sick?


(Oliver looks up)


OLIVER: Yeah, I heard he might be brain dead?


ROY: Do you think this is Trump?


OLIVER: No, I heard he had complications from surgery.


ROY: You don’t think they poisoned a piece of cheese cake or something?


OLIVER: HA! He is fat.


ROY: Yeah.


(Roy sits down next to Oliver)


OLIVER: You know this sick fuck rapes underage sex slaves?


ROY: Yeah, I heard that. What a bastard.


(Kelly comes in with a cigarette behind her ear)


KELLY: Who rapes underage sex slaves?!


ROY: Kim Jong-Un.


KELLY: Ugh. Gross.


OLIVER: I bet his blood would taste super sweet, you know? (They all give him a weird look) The blood of a human tastes a lot sweeter if they’re evil- I think it has something to do with the pleasure of a just kill.


(Awkward beat)


ROY: Alright, dude, stop being horny on main.


(Kelly and Roy laugh, as Kelly walks over to the front window and opens it. Oliver smirks slightly as he sits there, and Kelly lights her cigarette. Cut to Roy sitting in his very messy room, now wearing a Northwestern shirt, doing a zoom conference with his advisor over his laptop. His advisor is a middle-aged female with strawberry blonde hair named “Kat”)


KAT: So, the end of the semester is coming, this pandemic delayed all of our schedules for a few weeks, but it looks like you’re on track to graduate by December.


ROY: That’s awesome, I love to hear that.


KAT: “You love to see it”, as they might say.


(Roy gives a fake chuckle)


ROY: Right, for sure, for sure-


(Roy looks over at Oliver, who’s standing in the doorway, and shakes his head with an eyeroll)


KAT: What was that?


(Roy looks back at the advisor)


ROY: My bad, I forgot I’m not on the phone…


(Oliver tries to stifle his laughter)


KAT: You would’ve rolled your eyes at me if we were on the phone?


ROY: I was, I was responding to something my roommate was doing, go ahead and finish what you were saying.


(Oliver openly laughs)


KAT: What was he doing?


ROY: What, is this an interrogation now? Shiiiiit!


(Cut to Oliver and Roy sitting across from each other at their fold-out table, each drinking a Dos Equis)


OLIVER: Graduating in December, huh?


ROY: Yeah.


OLIVER: What’s the plan?


ROY: Maybe go to law school. Drop a mixtape. Swim the Adriatic.


(Oliver furrows his brow)


OLIVER: Are those your different options, or-?


ROY: Those are my plans, in order.


OLIVER: Of importance?


ROY: Nah, just chronological order.


OLIVER: Got it.


ROY: I’m hungry as Hell, I’m gonna order in.


OLIVER: Go ahead.


(Roy pulls up a banking app and looks at his balance- he sees it’s currently $1,248 dollars)


ROY: Oh shit!




(Roy jumps up)


ROY: Donny, my man!


(Kelly walks over)


KELLY: What is it?!


ROY: Trump came through! (Roy shows Kelly) I got that corona stimulus money!


(Roy does a little dance)


OLIVER: Damnit, I haven’t gotten mine, yet.


KELLY: You only had $48 in your account before?


(Roy sits down)


ROY: Let’s gooooooo! What should I spend it on?


OLIVER: I say we go to the casinos!


KELLY: They’re closed.


OLIVER: Not for long if the Mayor of Las Vegas gets her way! Let’s scoop up some chips, do body shots and tongue strangers, let’s go! ROAD TRIP!


(Oliver stands up)


KELLY: Sit down, babe- (Kelly panics) babel, Babel, the Alejandro Iñárritu film- you guys wanna watch that tonight?


ROY: I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I’m for sure gonna flaunt this shit.


(Roy takes a selfie. Cut to a picture of Roy on his Instagram, with “Bag of Cash” emojis and dollar signs in his eyes. The caption reads “Donald Trump has made me a rich man. Thanks to that stimulus money, I can finally afford a Lambo to drive your mama around in. Haters can express their jealousy below”. We zoom out of the picture and see it’s on Jackie’s phone, as she sits in the corner of Kenny’s bedroom, scrolling through her phone with a joint tucked in her mouth)


JACKIE: …This nigga…


(Pan over to Kenny in the bathroom, coming out of the shower with his towel on)


KENNY: What nigga?


JACKIE: You know, that extra-ass nigga I used to date.


(Kenny walks into the bedroom with his brow furrowed)


KENNY: You mean Roy?


JACKIE: Yeah, he just posted some shit about that money you get from the government, because of the corona thing.


KENNY: What money?!


JACKIE: The shit Trump sent us because the economy went to shit. I got it, did you not get it?


KENNY: You think I filed fuckin’ taxes last year?


JACKIE: Fair, nigga, fair.


KENNY: How much he get?


JACKIE: 1,200 bucks.


KENNY: This motherfucka…




KENNY: He still owes me 1,600 dollars!


JACKIE: For what?


KENNY: I levied a pussy tax on his ass! ‘Cause he was fuckin’ my girl!


(Jackie stands up)


JACKIE: Well he ain’t fuckin’ me no more!

KENNY: Yeah, but he owes! And he out here clownin’ me, sayin’ he got the money and he don’t care!


JACKIE: …He just got laid off from Walgreens-


KENNY: Yeah, and nobody out here buyin’ product ‘cause of the corona shit! I just been sellin’ speed to gamers who want to stay up for 72 hours straight.


JACKIE: …Can we split it? I want some cash, too, shit.


KENNY: Sure thing. We’ll split it 75-25.  (Jackie narrows her eyes) Let’s go then, I’ll get dressed.


(Kenny takes off his towel and heads for the closet. Cut to Colton half-conscious, sitting in a hospital bed, his legs and arms in casts, and getting a blood transfusion. Doctor Doberman, a balding man with a mustache, wearing PPE, is standing alongside Naomi, who is wearing a face mask as well)


DR. DOBERMAN: I know things seem bleak, but we think he’s gonna make it. It’s a miracle he’s alive at all, he lost so much blood.




NAOMI: Shhhhh, babe, don’t need to talk.


COLTON: Hmmm, like and subscribe…


DR. DOBERMAN: Did he just say-?


NAOMI: He’s a YouTuber, just ignore him.


COLTON: …NatureBox…


NAOMI: Will he be able to walk?


DR. DOBERMAN: Assuming his legs heal correctly, yes. But it’ll be a long road of PT ahead.


COLTON: I wanna go live…


(Naomi rubs his leg cast)


NAOMI: No, babe, you can’t livestream right now.


COLTON: My subscribers need me…


NAOMI: No, they don’t, Colton, your videos don’t get much view duration.


DR. DOBERMAN: People have low attention spans these days.


NAOMI: It’s not that.


(Colton tenses up)


COLTON: Urrrghhhhh…


NAOMI: Doctor, it sounds like he’s in pain.


DR. DOBERMAN: Yes, immense pain.


NAOMI: Can you give him something?


DR. DOBERMAN: Absolutely.


(The Doctor takes out two Advil, uses a pill cutting box to cut an Advil in half, and fills up a paper cup full of water and hands the half-pill and the water to Naomi)


NAOMI: What about the other pill and a half!?


DR. DOBERMAN: Oh that? It’s for when I get home to the wife!


(Doberman chuckles, Naomi rolls her eyes)


NAOMI: Why can’t we get prescription painkillers?


DR. DOBERMAN: We’re reserving those for the COVID patients in the hospital, ma’am. I don’t know if you heard about the pandemic.


NAOMI: Yeah, I heard about it, but I don’t know why-


DR. DOBERMAN: I have more important things to be attending to, so why don’t you clap for me as I leave? Thanks.


(Doberman begins to walk out, and then looks back expectantly. Naomi reluctantly starts clapping for him. Doberman nods his head and walks out. Naomi ceases her applause, and walks over to Colton’s bedside)


COLTON: Ughhh, Naomi…make it stop…


NAOMI: I’ll try, Colton.


(Cut to Oliver walking along the normally bustling, but currently empty Davis Street that night. Oliver walks by a bar called “The Ol’ Waterin’ Hole”. He looks inside the window and sees raccoons running around, pulling beer taps and drinking, getting drunk and falling over. Oliver smirks, takes out his phone and gets a video. Cut to Oliver walking by Serendipitous Sarah’s, the bar with an outdoor area and a myriad of bar games, like giant Jenga, hacky sack, giant tic-tac-toe, and more. He hears a commotion inside, so he breaches the gate and walks over to the locked door. He kicks it open, busting the lock off, and he roams inside, walks around the side and sees four greaser vampires shooting poll. He turns to leave, but one of them clocks him)




(Two greasers rush over, grab him and throw him against the wall)


OLIVER: Fuck are you doing, I’m not doing anything!


LEAD GREASER: You’re the fuckhead that killed Jimmy Fang, and Jimmy Fang’s nameless henchmen! (The lead greaser flips out his switchblade) The balls on you, to unintentionally walk in here and run into us.


(Oliver kicks the greaser vamp in the chest, knocking him to the opposite wall. The vamps holding him down are thrown off, so Oliver shakes them off of him, grabs a pool cue, breaks it in half and dusts two of the henchmen as they lunge at him)


OLIVER: Hole in one.




(The lead greaser runs at Oliver punches him in the face, sending him to the ground, and grabs one half of the pool cue and pins Oliver to the ground)






(The Greaser prepares to stab Oliver, but then evaporates into a dust cloud, revealing Charlie behind him, pulling out the other half of the pool cue)


CHARLIE: Guess we sunk the eight ball.


(Oliver smacks his lips and spits to the side)


OLIVER: Ugh! He got in my mouth!


(Oliver stands up)


CHARLIE: Speaking of eight ball… (Charlie takes out an eight ball of coke) you wanna party?


OLIVER: I wanna kill you.


CHARLIE: I’m the one who’s got the pool cue, asshole, and I just saved your life, you ungrateful fuck.


OLIVER: Yeah, you also gave me a mouthful of greaser- ugh! (Oliver spits again) Tastes like hair gel, cigarettes and Armani cologne…


CHARLIE: Listen, I have a deal for you.


OLIVER: Are you gonna stake yourself? Is that the deal?


CHARLIE: I can get you human blood guilt-free.


(Oliver backs away from Charlie and grabs the other half of the pool cue)


OLIVER: Go on?


CHARLIE: My friend Caldwell works at the hospital, he’s selling donor blood with a BIG-ASS mark up.


OLIVER: How the fuck is that guilt-free? People need that blood, that blood saves lives!


CHARLIE: Yeah, OUR lives. Do you wanna donate to the cause?




CHARLIE: I know you’ve been ordering that Beyond Blood shit, man, I work with a lot of blood runners.


(Oliver tries to plunge the pool cue into Charlie’s heart, but Charlie pushes him into the bar, way on the other side of the room)




CHARLIE: When you give up your holier-than-thou attitude, dude, hit me up.


(Charlie runs inhumanly fast out of the bar. Oliver stews in his resentment as he rises to his feet. Cut to Oliver splayed out on the couch, with his buttoned shirt wide open, his hands in his hair and his face giving a sensual look. Kelly is behind an easel with a paintbrush in hand)


KELLY: Okay, can you give me a real pose.


OLIVER: What is not real about this pose? This is who I am, I am a sexual creature.


KELLY: You’re a creature, alright.


OLIVER: I feel like I should be nude for this.


KELLY: We all use that couch.


(Oliver flips around, takes his shirt off, and thrusts his crotch against the couch, and turns his head toward Kelly)


OLIVER: So this way, it’s like me turning around being all casual, like, “oh wow, you caught me fucking, I’ll just be a minute, make yourself comfortable”.


KELLY: I just caught you fucking a couch?


OLIVER: No, like, I figured you’d paint a beautiful woman.


KELLY: I’m painting a couch.


(Oliver sighs and sits down on the couch)


OLIVER: Alright, fine, I’ll be good.


KELLY: No, it’s too late.




(Kelly laughs deviously, as Roy walks in carrying groceries and wearing a face mask. Oliver quickly puts on his shirt. Roy furrows his brow)


ROY: You’re painting Oliver?


KELLY: Yeah, it’s for a, school project.


OLIVER: Painting someone you admire.


KELLY: And you weren’t here, so I went with the next best thing.


(Roy shrugs and puts the groceries down. He takes out some Totino’s Pizzas and Michelina’s mac and cheeses)


ROY: I got some meals for us tonight- (Roy unpacks a case of Heinekens) some Heinekens- (Roy unpacks a carton of Salems) these were the only cigarettes they had, Kelly.


KELLY: Ugh, menthols. Just toss ‘em.


(Roy shoots the menthols into the trash)


ROY: You owe me like thirty bucks, then. Oh, and Oliver- (Roy turns to Oliver) your ex is out there.


(Oliver perks up)


OLIVER: …I’m sorry, what?


(There’s a knock at the door and everyone shoots their gaze at it. Cut to Oliver outside his apartment, under the protective cover of the second-floor walkway, speaking with Naomi, who’s wearing protective face covering)


NAOMI: First off, shouldn’t be wearing…never mind.


OLIVER: Yeah, I’m immune.


NAOMI: First of all, I hope everyone in your family is alright.


OLIVER: Yeah, they’re fine. What about yours?


NAOMI: They’re good.


OLIVER: How dare toy.


NAOMI: What?!


OLIVER: Coming over here, flaunting your perfect life in front of me, oh, your family’s good, CONGRATULATIONS!


NAOMI: Are you serious, right now?!


(Oliver takes a deep breath)


OLIVER: …Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. A lot of raw feelings boiling up, just where the fuck do you get off?


NAOMI: YOU said your family was good- alright, listen, Colton got in a serious accident and he needs help.


OLIVER: …From me?


NAOMI: They won’t give him pain meds because the COVID patients need them, so I was hoping you could secure some, off the books. You still know Charlie, right?


OLIVER: Do you know he’s the one who turned me?


(Naomi squints, thinking hard)


NAOMI: I think I was vaguely aware of that, yeah.


OLIVER: I don’t like to keep him around.


NAOMI: Well, you must know someone.


(Oliver shrugs and looks around)


OLIVER: I’ll see what I can do.


NAOMI: Will you really?


OLIVER: Listen, you’re asking me to help my ex’s new boyfriend.


NAOMI: We’ve been dating for a year- are you not over me?


OLIVER: Of course I am, I’m dating someone else now.


NAOMI: Who? Kelly?


OLIVER: …I can’t say. Listen, I’m sorry that Colton’s dead, but I can’t move Heaven and Earth-


NAOMI: He’s not dead, you just knew that.


OLIVER: Whatever! I’ll see what I can do. (Oliver turns back and enters his apartment. Naomi sighs and walks away. Cut to inside the apartment foyer- Oliver closes the door and looks at Roy while he plays GTA) Where’s Kelly?


ROY: (Not breaking his gaze) Taking a nap. Said she didn’t want to be disturbed.


(Oliver rolls his eyes)


OLIVER: I’m gonna put on some heavy PPE to protect myself from the, uh, solar virus, and then I’m gonna see what my regular dealers are up to.


(Roy continues to stare at the screen)


ROY: Why?


OLIVER: Colton needs painkillers, and even though everything inside of me is screaming to not help him, I imagine you’d advise me to help him.


(Roy once again does not look up, and simply shrugs)


ROY: Yeah, sure.


(Oliver shakes his head and walks to his room. Cut to Oliver opening the closet to find a black, full-body suit and gas mask)


OLIVER: For Colton- or…for Naomi. (Oliver grabs the suit. Cut to Roy playing GTA as Oliver walks in his sun protection suit, toward the front door) See ya.


ROY: Later.


(The door closes. We cut outside, as Oliver’s car speeds away, Kenny’s truck pulls up, with Jackie in the passenger seat)


KENNY: Finally, that freak in the skin suit is gone. Is that nigga a gimp or something?


JACKIE: I have no idea what that nigga’s deal is.


(Kenny and Jackie jump out of the truck. Kenny takes out a pair of pans from his truck and starts banging them together. Cut to inside. Roy stops playing GTA as hears the racket)


ROY: The fuck. (Roy puts on a makeshift mask he has lying nearby, gets up and walks out the front door. He sees Jackie and Kenny) Oh shit-


(Roy runs toward the door, but Kenny drops his pans, grabs him by the shoulder and throws him against the wall)


KENNY: You know what those pans for, Handler?!


ROY: Whoa, dude, six feet!


KENNY: I ain’t care about your health, asshole! I ask again, why I got those pans?!


ROY: To get me to come outside-


KENNY: They ain’t for breakfast, my nigga.


(Roy looks at Jackie, who stands by, nervously)


ROY: Jackie, the fuck’s going on here?


(Kenny slaps Roy across the face)


KENNY: DON’T TALK TO HER, MOTHERFUCKER! (Kenny takes out a knife and puts it to Roy’s throat) She has nothing to do with this little chat we havin’-


ROY: What is this chat about, then?!


KENNY: Her sexual autonomy, fucker.


ROY: Yeah, why would she have a say in that.


KENNY: You fucked her. You paid only $80 of the pussy tax.


ROY: Jesus Christ, this fuckin’ pussy tax shit.




ROY: Fuckin’ hell-


KENNY: That’ll help you out with the 1,620 dollars you owe.


ROY: Dude, I only got like 1300 dollars in my account-


KENNY: Guess you’re gonna have to call your momma, then.  (Kenny turns Roy around and pushes him to the ground. Kenny pulls out his gun and points it at Roy’s head) Get up and make the call.


JACKIE: Kenny, don’t-


KENNY: I ain’t gonna hurt him, long as he makes the call.


(Roy gets to his feet and takes out his phone)


ROY: There’s a lotta people around here, Kenny.


KENNY: Nah, nigga, they all inside.


ROY: They have windows, dude, you’re not clever-


(Kenny puts the gun to his head)




JACKIE: Shut up! Make the call.


(Roy takes out his phone and dials. His mom picks up)


MRS. HANDLER: (OS) Hello, Roy, how are you doing?


ROY: (Nervous) Hi, mom, what’s good-


MRS. HANDLER: (OS) I’m good, I was wondering about the air conditioning in your car, because summer’s coming up-


ROY: Mom, I don’t have a lot of time-


MRS. HANDLER: And I don’t want you to be sweating like a pig when the quarantine is over, so-


ROY: Momma, please, I need to


MRS. HANDLER: So, see if there’s a safe way of getting an appointment with a mechanic-


ROY: Oh, fuck. (Cut to Kenny holding a knife to Roy’s back as he tries to withdraw money at a grocery store ATM. Jackie stands watch. Kenny presses “withdrawal” but see there’s a $500 dollar limit) There’s a withdrawal limit.


KENNY: Guess we goin’ to the bank. I was in the mood for a plate of cookies any goddamn way, get movin’.


(Kenny leads Roy out of the grocery store with the knife to his back, as Jackie walks beside them. A grocery worker wearing PPE walks over)


WORKER: Sir, is everything alright here-


KENNY: Hey, thanks, you guys are the real heroes, everyone clap for them!


WORKER: Wait, sir-


(Everyone in the grocery store stops what they’re doing and applauds the grocery store worker, thus drowning him out as Kenny, Jackie and Roy escape. Cut to the parking lot of a Wells Fargo. Roy is in the backseat)


ROY: You can’t hold me at knifepoint in a bank, Kenny, there’s a ton of security.


KENNY: A’ight, but if you try any funny business, this car gon’ run you down.


(Roy turns to Jackie)


ROY: You got anything to say about this, Jackie?


JACKIE: …You brought it on yourself, Roy, could’ve kept your mouth shut.


KENNY: Take your own advice, Jackie. Roy, get the fuck in there.


(Roy sighs, gets out of the car and walks into the bank. He sees markers every six feet on the floor, and all the employees and customers wearing masks. Roy goes for the line at first, but his eye moves to the exit sign and he darts for the exit. A security guard jumps up)




(The Security Guard chases after Roy as he darts out the back door. Cut to Kenny in his car)




(Kenny and Jackie get out of the car and run around back.  Cut to The security guard tackling Roy to the ground. They both land with a thud)







(Jackie and Kenny run over)


KENNY: Hey man, he’s mine.


(The guard turns to Kenny)


GUARD: Stand back, citizen! (The guard punches Roy in the face, does a Batman impression) WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!


(Jackie looks horrified, but Kenny smiles)


KENNY: A’ight, yes, sir.


ROY: Check me, asshole, I didn’t take anything!


JACKIE: Sir, he was just messin’ around, check him, he ain’t got nothin’.


(The Guard checks his pockets, goes through his wallet and looks at the ID)


GUARD: It does look like him, though he’s missing a bruise on his right eye.


ROY: YOU made that, asshole!


(The Guard throws the wallet on Roy’s chest and stands up)


GUARD: You guys have five seconds to get out of here or I’m calling the cops.


(Jackie goes over and tries to help Roy up, but he pushes her away and gets up himself)


ROY: Just take me the FUCK home.




(Kenny pulls on Jackie’s arm)


KENNY: Jackie, let’s roll out.


(They all head toward Kenny’s car as the guard crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at them. Cut to Oliver at the locked front door of an apartment complex lobby. He punches in an apartment code and a mildly gravelly voice comes through the speaker)


VOICE: Who is it?


OLIVER: It’s Oliver, Steve, I’m in a little bit of a pickle, if I left money at your door, would you leave some hydro at mine?


STEVE: (OS) …Are you out of your fucking mind, saying that through a speaker?


OLIVER: Sorry, I don’t want to infect you-


STEVE: (OS) Go away.


(Steve hangs up. Oliver looks up and growls with frustration. He takes out a list of drug dealers- including “Sneaky Pete”, “Rancid Ralph”, “Diabolical Daniel” and “Bad John” and he crosses off the last one before Charlie- “Shitty Steve”. He looks at Charlie’s name and grimaces. Cut to Charlie in his apartment squirting a long line of ketchup across an eight-foot-long hot dog. He smiles widely as he prepares to take a bite- but there’s a knock at the door. He perks up)


CHARLIE: Who is it? (Charlie goes over and looks through his peephole and sees Oliver Shine) Holy shit!


(Charlie opens the door and tries to hug Oliver, but he quickly slips inside)


OLIVER: Don’t get excited, I just need a favor.


CHARLIE: I am SUPER stoked and you can’t dim my shine.


OLIVER: I need hydrocodone and I know you have it.


CHARLIE: Nah, dude, I’m exclusively running blood right now. I’m also producing hip hop beats recently, you want to hear some?


OLIVER: Where can I get some?


CHARLIE: I’m gonna post them on SoundCloud as soon as I’m done-




CHARLIE: Oh, uh, I know a guy.


OLIVER: Bring me to him, for Christ’s sake, before I kill you.


(Charlie laughs)


CHARLIE: You crack me up, man, okay, I’ll grab my jacket.


(Charlie grabs his stoner hoodie. Cut to Caldwell walking into the morgue at the hospital. He opens one of the steel drawers, takes out his phone, plugs in headphones and pulls up a podcast called “Night Noises”. He’s about to press play when a nurse comes in)


NURSE: Doctor, two men are here to see you, they say it’s urgent?


CALDWELL: Oh, fuck me.  (Caldwell climbs down from the drawer) Fine, but make sure none of these COVID pricks take up my favorite drawer.


NURSE: Yes, sir.


(Caldwell walks past her, slapping her on the ass as he goes into the hall. Her face turns vamp as she gasps and puts her hand over her mouth)


NURSE: Doctor! My goodness!


(Cut to Oliver and Charlie in Caldwell’s cramped back office. Charlie is sitting on the desk, lighting a joint while Oliver is looking through a pile of papers on Caldwell’s desk. Charlie exhales a plume of smoke)


CHARLIE: What are you doing, dude?


OLIVER: There’s a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits here, dating back to…1950.


CHARLIE: You can’t believe everything you hear, dude. Do you believe that Tara Reade chick?


(Oliver looks at Charlie)




CHARLIE: Oh. Well. We need to beat that Trump guy, so shut up about it.


OLIVER: Weren’t you a Bernie supporter?


CHARLIE: Yeah, but only to gain their trust so I could kill his supporters.


OLIVER: Oh, so you’re like Elizabeth Warren.


(Caldwell walks in)


CALDWELL: Who is this, Charlie?


(Oliver turns to Caldwell)


CHARLIE: One of your best customers, whether he knows it or not.


OLIVER: I’ll cut to the chase.


CALDWELL: No, I do not discuss business with anyone unless I trust them. Why should I trust you? (Oliver’s face morphs into it’s vampiric form) You think just because you’re a creature of the night, I should trust you?


OLIVER: I’m not gonna rat you out to the…President? Of the hospital? Prime Minister? Whatever the title is.


CALDWELL: But the question is, are you an average blood tweaker looking for a free fix? Or someone willing to do business?


OLIVER: Maybe the fact that I’m not here for blood at all will give you some confidence.


(Caldwell crosses over and sits behind his desk, and Oliver and Charlie follow suit by taking their seats in front of his desk)


CALDWELL: What are you here for, then.


OLIVER: Opiates. They’re being reserved for COVID patients right now, but my friend’s friend needs them.


CALDWELL: Who’s that?


OLIVER: His name is Colton, I don’t see why-


CALDWELL: Colton Ludic?


OLIVER: Yeah? Is he here?


CALDWELL: Yeah, and he lost a shit ton of blood. He’s been a strain on my resources, honestly.


OLIVER: Well, I can’t control that, but he’s in pain and my ex wants to help him, since the hospital won’t.


CALDWELL: I’m not in that business anymore, you’re gonna have to somewhere else-


(Caldwell stands up)


OLIVER: But you must know where we can find them?


CALDWELL: Yeah, they’re in the storage room. Put on some scrubs and see if you can sneak back there, I guess.


(Caldwell starts to walk away, but Oliver turns to him)


OLIVER: Wait. (Caldwell turns around) Do you know of any artificial substance that simulates the taste of human blood?


(Caldwell chuckles to himself)


CALDWELL: I knew you weren’t just here for opiates.


(Caldwell leaves and closes the door behind him. Oliver looks at Charlie)


CHARLIE: Guess we better find scrubs. (Cut to Oliver putting on a pair of green scrubs in a closet full of boxes of scrubs. There’s a curtain in the back, Charlie pulls it back, revealing he’s wearing a pair of pink scrubs and a Hello Kitty face mask) Dude, how random is this?!


(Oliver sighs)


OLIVER: God, you’re exhausting to be around.


CHARLIE: People are gonna freak.


(Oliver walks out of the closet as Charlie follows him. Cut to the two of them walking toward a door labeled “Medicine Storage” with a keypad under the doorknob. Two nurses in PPE stand nearby talking)


OLIVER: (Midwestern accent) You know what’s crazy, Liam, I didn’t even read the dang book, but I just agreed with what everyone else said, isn’t that a hoot?


CHARLIE: What are you talking about, man?


(Oliver sighs)


OLIVER: Just forget it- (Oliver turns to the two nurses) hey gals, mercy me, I forgot the code to the medicine storage, what is it again?


NURSE: Remind me who you guys are again?


CHARLIE: We’re the plumbers you called.


(Oliver lets out a fake laugh and pushes Charlie)


OLIVER: Isn’t he a card, okay guys, what is it again? We’re new.


NURSE: I’ve never seen you before.


OLIVER: Well, we’re retired, but they pulled us off the bench because of the pandemic.


NURSE: Retired, you guys look like you’re in your mid-twenties.


CHARLIE: We’re vampires.


(Oliver tenses up)


NURSE: Oh, okay, the code is 157-224.


(Oliver furrows his brow with a surprise)


CHARLIE: Thanks, girls.


(The nurses nod and walk away. Oliver turns to Charlie)


OLIVER: How many vampires are in this hospital!?


(Charlie shrugs and Oliver punches in the code. They open the door and find shelves upon shelves of medicine bottles. Charlie opens his pockets and is about to start shoveling them in, but Oliver grabs his arm)




OLIVER: We’re only getting stuff for Colton, I’m not gonna take a bunch of painkillers away from pandemic victims.


CHARLIE: Oh my God, you need to learn to love yourself, man, I swear.


(Charlie backs away. Oliver grabs several bottles of hydrocodone and stuffs them in his pockets)


OLIVER: Hand me a couple hundred bucks.


CHARLIE: Wha- we’re gonna pay for this shit now!?


OLIVER: You want this uneasy truce of ours to continue? Then give me your drug money.


(Charlie rolls his eyes and hands Oliver around 500 bucks. Oliver places 500 bucks on the shelf from whence he took the pills and both of them start to head out of the storage room- but Charlie swipes a few bottles before he leaves. Cut to Oliver and Roy’s apartment living room. Kenny is holding a gun on Roy as he sits on the couch, expressionless. Jackie stands aside with mascara streaming down her face)


JACKIE: Kenny, this was a mistake, let’s jut leave-


KENNY: Shut up, you traitorous bitch. This is between Roy and me.


ROY: They aren’t answering, dude, I don’t know what to tell you.


KENNY: You gonna find a way to get me that money, or I’ll shoot your dick off. Then what are you gonna fuck my girlfriend with?


ROY: You’re saying I’ll have that opportunity in the near future?


KENNY: No, I- I didn’t mean-shut the fuck up! (Cut to Kelly in her room, sitting against the door, totally freaked out. She looks at her cell phone- a text conversation with Oliver reveals that she sent a text reading “In my room and I was woken by some guy and I think Jackie- they’re holding Roy up and demanding money! Get here right now!”. Oliver responded “omw”. Cut to Kenny holding the gun right up to Roy’s face) What if I just coughed in this nigga’s face? Pussy-ass bitch would think I killed him.


ROY: That’d be the first time you have killed somebody.


KENNY: Watch yourself, Handler. (Kenny takes out a knife and points to Roy’s crotch) Or you gonna become more Chelsea than Roy.


(Roy furrows his brow)


ROY: Weird reference, dude.


KENNY: Her show was fucking great, don’t know why they pulled it, she’s so talented. (Oliver busts in wearing his sun protection outfit, and he pulls off his gas mask, smacks the gun out of Kenny’s hand, picks him up by his neck and throws him against the wall- as pill bottles fall out of his pockets) WHAT THE FUCK!?


(Oliver puts his shoe against Kenny’s neck, as Jackie stands aside, shocked. Roy picks up the gun and points it at Kenny’s face)


OLIVER: Roy, we got him, man, we don’t need to make this messier than it needs to be.


JACKIE: Please, Roy, just let him leave! We’ll leave you alone, I swear!


(Roy breathes heavily as he lowers the gun)


ROY: Catch.


(Roy throws the gun to Oliver, who barely catches it)


OLIVER: Oh shit-


(Roy shoves Oliver out of the way, pins Kenny on the floor and starts wailing on him)




(Kelly runs out of her room)


KELLY: Did the good guys win? Oh my God.


(Roy continually reins blows on Kenny as everyone watches uneasily. Blood and teeth begin to fly, and it’s clear that Kenny has lost consciousness)


OLIVER: Roy, that’s enough!


(Roy keeps punching him. Jackie steps forward, but Oliver stops her)




(He keeps punching, and Oliver pulls him back- his face now splattered with Kenny’s blood)






JACKIE: He was never gonna kill you, Roy, I’m so sorry this happened, baby-


(Roy spits blood on Jackie, shocking her)


ROY: Fuck you.


(Oliver shoves Roy aside and checks Kenny’s pulse)


OLIVER: …He’s alive.


KELLY: Thank God.


(Roy breathes a sigh of relief and closes his eyes)


JACKIE: Oh my God- (Jackie walks over and cradles Kenny’s head) what did you do, Kenny, Jesus Christ…


ROY: Get him the fuck out of here. Take him to a hospital- and if you drop any of our names, I’ll send Oliver here after both of you.


(Oliver looks at Roy with surprise. Jackie starts crying as she drags Kenny toward the door. She opens the door and drags him out)


KELLY: Should I help her-


ROY: She’ll be fine. (Roy shuts the door, picks up the gun and puts it in his pocket) It’s about time this apartment was protected.


OLIVER: What happened?


ROY: Motherfucker tried to rob me of my stimulus money, that’s what happened.


OLIVER: …I’m gonna be honest, I’ve known you for five years, I’ve never seen that side of you before.


ROY: Get used to it. I’m tired of people fuckin’ with me. (Roy points to a bruise around his eye) Kenny didn’t give this to me. Goddamn bank security guard did.


OLIVER: …I’m so sorry, Roy.


KELLY: This all happened while I was napping?! Why do you have a bunch of pills, by the way?!


OLIVER: I’ll get to that. (To Roy) Did you want to kill him?


(Roy takes a deep breath)


ROY: In the moment, yeah. I’m glad you pulled me off of him, though.


OLIVER: …Yeah, me too.


ROY: I’m sorry I shoved you. (Roy sits on the couch) I guess I’m still not used to you being stronger than me.


(Oliver and Kelly stare at Roy. Suddenly, Charlie appears in the window with a joint)


CHARLIE: Hey, while I was waiting in the car, I made a sick hotbox, you want to join?


KELLY: What the fuck is he doing here!?


OLIVER: I’ll explain later- (Oliver picks up the pill bottles) I’ve got to go meet with my ex.


KELLY: How long was I asleep, two years?!


(Oliver touches Kelly’s shoulder)


OLIVER: I’ll be back soon, and I’ll explain everything, okay?


(Roy notices Oliver touching her shoulder and furrows his brow. Kelly looks at Roy and then back at Oliver, and nods)


KELLY: Yeah, okay, sure.


(Oliver nods, throws his gas mask back on and heads out the door. Cut to Oliver knocking on Naomi’s apartment door. Naomi opens up)


NAOMI: Come in.


(Oliver walks inside and pours several bottles of Hydro out onto the coffee table)


OLIVER: This amount of hydro would put an elephant to sleep, or even a 175-pound vampire.


NAOMI: Where’d you get it?


OLIVER: The uh, the store.


(Naomi nods)


NAOMI: Got it. Let me give you something for your troubles.


(Naomi starts to walk away)


OLIVER: That’s not necessary-


NAOMI: I insist. (Naomi heads over to the kitchen. Oliver steps into Naomi and Colton’s room. He flips the lights on and sees some of Naomi’s sports posters, but also a homemade “500 subscriber” plaque for YouTube, a poster depicting Colton and Naomi on a Ferris wheel kissing, a framed screenshot of a Twitter notification reading “@jakepaul liked your Tweet”. Oliver shudders as he walks back into the living room and Naomi approaches with a $50 bill) I’d give you more, but I’m an amateur soccer player and my boyfriend’s a YouTuber.


OLIVER: That’s alright.


(Oliver takes it. Naomi hugs Oliver)


NAOMI: Thank you, Oliver.


OLIVER: It’s no problem.


(Oliver relinquishes Naomi and heads for the door)


NAOMI: I’m gonna head to the hospital, so I’ll walk out with you. (Naomi stuffs the pill bottles in her purse and picks it up. Cut to Naomi and Oliver walking into the complex parking lot. Night has fallen) So you burn up in sunlight, huh.


OLIVER: Yeah, but there’s more to me than just my vampirism, Naomi- (Naomi laughs) and I resent being pigeonholed and labeled like this. I am a full person.


NAOMI: Not technically though, right?


OLIVER: How dare you.


(Oliver walks to his car, and Naomi goes to hers)


NAOMI: Maybe I’ll see you around.


OLIVER: Yeah. (Oliver and Naomi both get in their cars. Cut to Naomi on the highway, with a pop song murmuring barely audible from her radio. Tears begin to stream down her face, as she desperately dabs them away. Cut to Oliver walking into the apartment and finding Kelly smoking a cigarette on the couch) Where’s Roy?


KELLY: He’s in his room, watching Seinfeld and licking his wounds.


(Oliver walks over and sits next to Kelly, putting his arm around her)


OLIVER: …Colton was in a serious accident. They weren’t giving him painkillers, Naomi asked for my help, and none of my dealers were interested, so I had to ask Charlie.


KELLY: …Okay. I trust you.


(Kelly kisses Oliver)


OLIVER: Thanks, Kel. Ugh. Your breath.


(Kelly smiles, leans forward and extinguishes her cigarette on the ashtray on the coffee table as the two of them make out. “Werewolf” by Fiona Apple comes on as we transition to a shot of Naomi walking through a hospital with an N-95 mask on. Cut to Roy watching Seinfeld on Hulu, while chewing on his nails and looking out the window, clearly with his mind on other things. Cut to a shot of Jackie wearing an N-95 in the waiting room of the hospital, struggling to keep her shit together with the cacophony of kids screaming, nurses rushing around, flatlining and violent coughing. Cut to Naomi walking by a patient room with Kenny in it, unconscious, and his bruises severe. Naomi squints at the man for a second, but just moves on down the hallway. Cut to Oliver thrusting into Kelly in their room. Cut to Roy’s room. Roy puts his ear to the opposite wall as they have sex. Cut to Colton in his hospital bed, wriggling around in clear discomfort. Cut to Kenny prying his eyes open, as a bottle of pills on the table next to him comes into focus. He reaches for the pills, but can’t reach them, as we see flashbacks to pill bottles pouring out of Oliver’s pockets. Kenny starts wriggling around in his hospital bed and shouting. Cut to Naomi as she reaches the threshold of Colton’s room. She hears Kenny and looks down the hallway as nurses rush into his room. Cut to Kelly and Oliver lying naked after sex, basking in the afterglow. Kelly smiles, but Oliver looks distracted. Cut to Roy in the bathroom, examining the cuts on his knuckles. Cut to Naomi walking into Colton’s hospital room and taking pill bottles from his pockets. She takes one out and puts it in his mouth. Colton opens his eyes and sees her, immediately lighting up. She smiles back at him. Cut to Oliver lying beside Kelly as she falls asleep. Oliver looks lustfully out the window. Cut to Roy examining his black eye in the mirror. Cut to Naomi pouring a glass of water down Colton’s throat. Cut to Oliver slipping out of bed, trying not to disturb Kelly. Cut to Roy’s head hitting the pillow. Cut to nurses holding Kenny down as he writhes in bed. Cut to Jackie rushing out of the hospital and towards the parking garage. Cut to Oliver driving his car on the highway and taking an exit toward the hospital. Cut to Naomi stroking Colton’s hair as he falls back asleep. Cut to Oliver pulling into a space in the hospital’s parking garage. Cut to Naomi walking out of the hospital’s front entrance. Cut to Oliver rushing into the hospital’s front entrance, wearing an N-95. He rushes to the front desk and starts talking to the nurses. Cut to Naomi ducking into her car and starting it up. Naomi backs up, and almost hits Jackie, who catches herself on Naomi’s trunk. Naomi honks as Jackie runs away. Cut to Oliver walking down the hallway and into Colton’s room. Cut to Kelly stirring in her sleep. Cut to Roy putting a pillow over his face as he tries fitfully to fall asleep. Cut to Oliver walking to Colton’s bedside as he sleeps. He stares at Colton with contempt as the song wraps up. Oliver sees a bottle of Ambien nearby. Oliver’s face morphs into its vampiric form. Oliver sits Colton up, rolls up his gown’s sleeve, takes down his N-95 and bites into his arm. Colton winces, but stays asleep. Oliver only sucks for a few seconds before carefully setting Colton down and wiping his mouth. Oliver’s face morphs back to normal, he puts his N-95 back on and rushes out of the room. We linger on the shot of the room for several moments. Cut to credits)



Submitted: April 29, 2020

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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