Corona, Corolla...whatever

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: mjrafferty

God has appeared to Joel. He's surprised at first, of course, but God makes clear why he is there; to help humanity cope with the virus.

Corona, Corolla…whatever.


Joel Samuelson finished dinner and flopped down into the leather recliner. He clicked to Netflix and had just begun his search when God appeared to him. Since God was between Joel and the television, He got Joel’s immediate attention.

“Who the hell are you?” was Joel’s first response, since the person in front of him; long, dark flowing robe and shoulder length black hair, was the last thing he expected in his small living room.

“Well…” God had spread his arms open in expectation of recognition. Joel looked at the man for a moment and shrugged.

“I got nothing.”

“Who has the ability to magically appear out of nowhere?” said God, arms still spread wide.

“Lots of guys, some even levitate. They’re on TV all the time” Joel was still not impressed. 

“Whom do you pray to, pin your hopes and dreams on, and, unfortunately take His name in vain when you are really angry.” God had dropped his arms to his side.

“Really? You’re gonna have to do better than this…if you want me to believe that you are the One, you’re gonna have to show me,”  said Joel. God shook his head.

“So, what will it take, something definite that I can do to bring you around? Don’t make it too large in size, this is a pretty small room.” God glanced around. Joel thought for a moment, running his hand over his three day stubble.

“My wife, Sharon, passed away about six years ago. Make her appear in front of me.” In the next second a woman appeared beside God. She was young, slender in a black one piece dress. She wore red heels. Joel instantly recognized his late wife from  long ago when they had first met.

“Sharon? I can’t believe it!” Now Joel was impressed.

“Joel! Is that you?” The woman had stepped closer. “Why are you so fat…and what’s wrong  with your face? You look like shit!” The astonished look remained on her face.

“Sweetie, I’m seventy-nine years old. How am I supposed to look…?” He started to say more but she cut him off.

“…And that stench! Are you cooking cabbage and mustard again? You know how I hate that smell! You never listen…” God waved his hand and Sharon vanished.

“Sorry that didn’t go so well,” said God. “Seeing you was a shock for her. Her reality is different than the one she knew. I’m actually surprised she remembered you.”

“She exists somewhere else…she’s alive?” Joel’s eyes were wide.

“After people pass they go to another existence. They don’t get to chose very much, and they look essentially the same. They just get to start over and strangely, sometimes some memories remain. It’s messy and should really be overhauled…a work in progress,” said God.

“It’s called heaven. That’s what heaven is all about?” Joel asked.

“No. That’s just something someone made up. It’s all crap. There’s no reward or punishment, just another reality; a do-over.” God shrugged. “So, what do you think? Might I pass for the real thing, or you still have doubts?”

“No,” said Joel. “I can’t see any other possibility—but here’s a question. What’s with the outfit…who dresses you in the morning?” Joel cocked his head at God’s attire.

“Well I really don’t get up in the morning because I have no morning or evening. Day and night are a physical reality only for humans and others with sentient capabilities who might live on a world with a solar system. They’re not a necessity for me. As for the clothes,” God added, “I don’t choose, the clothes are according to whatever I’m doing, although they do seem out of place now.”

“So, why this…why are you here in my room?” asked Joel.

“Currant affairs  is what brings me here. As you and so many others are aware we are in the midst of this thing called the Corolla Virus. It seems that—“

“Wait! What did you call it…Corolla Virus? It’s the Corona Virus or Covid 19. I’m kinda surprised that since you created the whole problem, you don’t even know its name.” Joel looked incredulously at God.

“Corona, Corolla, what’s the difference—and for your edification, I did not create this particular problem,” huffed God.

“So, it was the Chinese! There’s a lot of speculation—“ 

“No, the Chinese are unwitting victims here also.” God had cut Joel off. “That fellow from Russia, Putin, was in charge of this mess. One of his labs created it, and covertly placed it somehow in China…one of those so-called wet markets. You know what happened next.”

“Does US intelligence know this…wait, I’ll answer my own question and say not,” said Joel. “Why didn’t you just stop it?”

“Why don’t I just cure cancer and all the other medical woes befallen man? Because I rarely interfere in man’s affairs, although I am tempted by the Super Bowl sometimes.” God chuckled. “That was actually a joke.”

“So, what’s the plan if you’re not into the open miracle?” asked Joel.

“My plan was to go to, appear to all those folks who have had this virus and have been released from wherever they took the cure. I also know that many folks have had the disease and have cured themselves, that is in their own place.” God paused. “These particular people seem to have antibodies created by the virus that can be harvested, refined and then used to help those with the disease.”

“I’ve heard of this being done already, so why get involved at this stage?” asked Joel.

“Because I can speed up the process many fold by increasing the participation exponentially thereby bringing an end, hopefully, to this thing more quickly.”

“Okay, but how about this: you appearing to thousands, millions of people in a short space of time will go viral on the web. Imagine all those postings at the same time—people will, and I mean worldwide, just flip out! I see your intentions but maybe another way could by thought of.” Joel was trying to imagine the effect of all those postings and he could not. God looked down for a moment and then looked at Joel.

“You know, my ignorance of the technology is showing through. I absolutely did not think of that! You’re right…another way to do this is in order.”

“Why not this: Watching CNN and other shows, I noticed some wealthy folks stepping up and donating large sums to companies to do rush work on treatments and vaccines. You might carefully intervene and have one of them develop a very effective vaccine rather quickly, say a few months, and for free or a very low price, a cure might be possible.” Joel smiled at the thought of this.

“ I like it, very much! Bill Gates comes to mind! A guy already giving away large sums anyway. One of his groups could, conceivably, do that very thing—-with a little nudge from above, and save the day.” The average looking God was waving his arms now. “Thank you Joel, I knew coming to you was for a reason.”

“Good question, why me…so many other people to choose from…why me?” Joel asked.

“Well, you were a doctor, a successful one. With your background and seeming knowledge of people’s needs, you fell into a small number of folks that might help…and you did. And now,” God continued, “since you were kind enough to listen to my babble and actually be productive, I would ask you if there is a favor, a small one perhaps, that I might bestow on you. A little financial infusion, maybe, since your present living quarters seem underwhelming.” God was surveying the tiny apartment around him.

“Well, actually, as a doctor who had his own practice for some time—I specialized in thoracic surgery—I managed to squirrel away a decent amount. What you see here is my being caught by the pandemic. I was visiting a friend here, in Pittsburg, when things got crazy, so I decided to hunker down here for the duration. I have a very nice home in Boca Raton Florida. It was there where my wife passed, and it is there where I will return once the craziness subsides.” God could sense a sadness in Joel, who went on with his story. “I don’t think there is anything I need at the moment—how about the constant wish of World Peace, how would that work out?” Joel wore a smirk on his face.

“Yeah, I’m tired of that old cliche from the Miss America Pageants, but again, that’s for you guys to work out. So there’s no one thing I could help you with, like seeing your wife again—she looked pretty good to me—just saying.” 

“No, let her be. We’ve had our time, and it was a good one, a good life. Besides, looking at her like that, I couldn’t give her what she needs, not now, not at my age. She always wanted a little more than I was capable of anyway, so…I’m good.” Joel’s smile of remembrance was enough for God.

“Okay then, thanks for your time and ear bending. You may have solved a problem for me. Watch and see and if I can work this out, you should notice in a few months time. Nice meeting you, Joel. Always a pleasure when one of you guys works out, and you have done that! Goodbye.” And the poorly dressed figure blinked out of existence leaving Joel, full of wonder, in the comfort of his chair. He sat for a long moment and then clicked the TV on.  He fidgeted with the remote for an extended period, and shut off the TV.

“Damn,” he muttered, “I should have asked Him for better stuff on Netflix.”






Submitted: April 29, 2020

© Copyright 2021 mjrafferty. All rights reserved.

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