The one I pushed away

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Sound predictable? It is quite so. This story will not finish, as there is still hope!

Turning 30 for me was similar to losing my virginity. Felt like a new person having an inner and outer, transitional body experience. As I was being controlled without realising it yet. Wished this happened at an earlier time before I meeting my one true love. She was the best girlfriend I've ever had. Like no other, and. Admittedly, I've had a fair share. I think it's the Thai culture and mostly her just killing me with kindness, love, affection, loyalty. She treated me like a king. But I threw it all away. Why? Because I was an idiot. 

I chose my queen and country, desperate to become appreciate, respected, recognised, and honoured with dirty money. Twice!!! From a dirty conflict, that's still ongoing after 20 dirty years, with no progress but the continuation of brutalising innocent civilians. All for profit, stolen resource's and to eliminate an enemy who's taken back their country. They out smarted a collection of the world's superpowers while occupying their country. Illegally. And have lost. They'll never admit that. Not now. After negotiating with 'terrorists', freeing prisoner's, having no plan, no idea, no morals, loss of life on both sides. I'm ashamed and disgraced to have been apart of this. For my queen and country, my skinny brown ass!!

Leaving her crying her eye's out believing she may never see me again. Was more difficult than coming under fire from an I.E.D, or small arms. Such a fragile, beautiful, innocent being. I don't think I really thought this one through properly. Must've thought it were a game. This wasn't real, surely. I'm in denial of my own reality. 

I should call this book, 'The one I pushed away'. In fact, I will change it. It's more appropriate. 

So there's a part of my confession. We tried to keep in contact, I spoke to her on occasions while out in the middle of nowhere. It was very difficult for her. We practically broke up, it wasn't fair for her. I put her through a lot already and topped it off with this. I was under the impression we could easily rekindle our relationship but, it pretty much went the opposite way. It was like she moved on already. Mentally. Understandingly, nobody should or want to be put through such damage. But I was still somewhat stubborn, arrogant, and selfish. 

She had to return to Thailand due to having over stayed her stay by a few days. After pleading her innocence and begging to stay in this retchid country longer. Her application was declined on a few occasions. Given that she'd lived, studied, worked, owns a property in South West Kensington for over 15 years, paid extortionate amount of taxes and contributed to society. Over stating for upto three day's was seemingly like committing multiple murders. This angered, frustrated,and confused me. Again I was indenial. I understand the rules. Inside by them and you suffer, break them and you prosper. They prey on the weak and vulnerable, allow the super riche and famous to do as they please. If your poor, homeless or sick, it's your own fault. That's how it works here. At least, that's how the 1% and below, tend to get by everyday. By defecating on the rest of 99%. 

Rant over, back to the main event horizon. The transition from your 20's to 30's is very much unspoken of. It can go a few ways so I gathered. Some people don't make it. Some people experience a multiple of emotions as I did. Depression, excitement, resentment, denial, regret. It's endless. While your hormones are a spiriling biological warfare. You have societies expectations layered upon too. A bit like a ln endless layered cake of a fat child's wet dream or nightmare. Then some people breeze through as they have the emotional, financial, understanding and support. I like a challenge but, it was close to going through your teens and we can all relate to that. I was a horrible child and surprised my mum disowned me. I'm pretty sure she was very close to it. 

So, I've turned 30 and I think I'm ready. Wrong again, nothing can prepare you for this. Bills, adult stuff, the world's going to end. Responsibilities. I'm lucky I didn't have children and a wife. More responsibility, no thanks. 

Societies expectations are joke. If your not married, have a girlfriend, a steady job, a child, car, own a home. Some people may aswell hiss at you or shout, 'the power of Christ repels you', the power of Christ repels you! 

Insanity. The expectations of normality, despises me. Considering how much we practice equal opportunities, uniqueness, understanding one another. Just another pretentious illusions, to justify a countries hypocrisy. Apologize, I can't helphbut help  ranting. One thing I've become very good at. 

My point is. Now that she's gone back to Thailand after all this time. I want her back. Badly. Call it trying to fill a void l, as one of my friend's had said. Part of me thinks he maybe right. Maybe he is. But feels like a super massive black hole. Nobody can make me feel how she did. It was top quality affection, kindness, care, and love. It was like I was in a caccoon of mothering love, and I did not want to leave it. But knew that soon. It all had to end. Like it always usually does. Good things never last I've come to learn. And I think, that's what everyone is scared shitless of. And we have our own engineered, self defence mechanisms. So, there's no point in luring people into a subconscious false sense of security. We should just all agree, that before you venture into another relationship. To accept the inevitabilities. There could be a never ending, or. It could end badly. 

We still somewhat, communicate. Although I do question whether it's communication, or just maintenance check ups. I pour my pathetic little heart out, and she barely responds to either my questions. Or my cries. It's pretty sad really and I do question whether it's worth it. It's not all about me. She is fighting her own demons. After what we went, and I put her through. What's she gone, and going through. 

Thai tradition is my barrier at the moment. If I was a educated, wealthy, tall Thai guy, I'd have more than chance right now. I'm the opposite. However, it's not about that. Actions speak louder than words, money, education, height. Any of societies expectations. And I see through all that bs now. I'm better than that. 

Everyone's different. 'they', want you to be the same. But, we're different. And I'm not buying into it. Not me. 

We met online around 2005, when I joined the British Army Reserves. Or it was called the Territorial Army back then. We met on a chat room called msn to be specific. She was a sweet innocent, naive, probably lonely. And we warmed to each other. Eventually grew a pair and planned to meet. It was exciting. I'd never been to London before. And I'm going to meet a girl! A very good looking, Thai girl. I was shitting myself, I even stopped a random Asian girl thinking it was her. Thankfully it wasn't. Then she approached me. I was overwhelmed with her beauty, cuteness, smile, I likee her instantly. We sat in a busy Chinese joint opposite baker Street underground station if I remember well. A summer's day so I was sweating profusely, and so was she. Both wearing white, she had a lovely white dress. My fashion sense was awful and, I think she took pitty on me for it. We clicked, I didn't particularly know what moves to make so panicked, rushed our conversations along, tried to play it cool by keeping it short, asked the normal questions and expressed we should meet again soon. Her smile was immense, consistent beautiful smile, such a smooth voice, skin, lovely hair. One of our conversations was dominated by hair. God knows what mine looked like then. I think it was short. It was always short. I was approaching my twenties. Her in her mid twenties, I think three years ahead. Jeez, that's scary thinking back that far. Where did it go? Was almost like time never existed when we were together. 

The worrying thing is now is that, if something happened to either of us, consider the current circumstances of this covid 19. Neither of us would know. Worse case if either of us passed. That's the really sad, upsetting and worrying possibility. 

My intentions for the past few years, ever since turning thirty. Has been that I am going to get her back. I'll respectfully ask her father for her hand. Or, I'll outrightly just kidnap her. In a subtle way of course. Without demanding ransom. 

Seems as if she feels trapped, claustrophobic, unaccepted by her family and society. And I want to rescue her. I've planned it all out in my head. Just like a Hollywood movie. But better. 

I've been putting it off for long enough now. This needs to happen. In a selfish, selfless act of love and remorse. I just need her to communicate with me more. Or do I? If I wait any longer. Another event could unfold obstruct us. This year 2020 has proved it. This was suppose to be the year I go and win her back. Now it seems further away. I'll make it happen, one way or another. And I'll write another book of whatever the outcome will be. 


Submitted: May 01, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Lorenzo. All rights reserved.

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