When Antonia Lost God

Like lightning breaking September’s warm sky, or a ship losing itself to a storm, the moment came when she could not feel His presence.

And as shock turned into denial, she looked for God everywhere she could think of, from the whispering creek to the wings of a firefly and in between the veins of leaves. But she couldn't deny she had a thirst for things that could be felt with all of her being.

The world was infinite, and she was small, and small things were cursed to feel alone. Yet she knew she was not, because out there was a home for her, and nothing made sense if there wasn’t; matters of the heart would crumble and fall apart.

So she continued to wear the shoes that had become ill-fitting, and she remembered the words, but reading the Passion no longer set her heart aflame. That drift came to a halt when the truth she was looking for knocked on her door, or rather, it became painfully clear like the sun shining right above her eyes.

She had spent years looking for a community, a family who could take her in, understand her, and help nurse her wounds, but when it didn’t come from their mouths, she could read it in their eyes and see it on their face: the place she had wanted so badly wanted nothing to do with her.

Antonia had also rejected them from her heart. Who were they to parade the truth and dangle heaven from a stick? If life had taught her anything, it was that no one could save her but herself. She was the poison and antidote.

The sun that had taunted her illuminated a bridge. That bridge led to a path and a truth whose footsteps she could follow. She did not know at that moment, but she was walking to her freedom.

If God wanted her, He knew where to find her. Her life was just beginning, everything before was a pretense. After all, she was only nineteen.