A Footnote of Violent Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic

on violent thoughts of violent action

A Footnote of Violent Thoughts

H.St.C

 

“The saints had no hatred, no bitterness;
they forgive everything and think they deserve
much more for their offences against God”

 

St. Jean Vianney

 

Among many things wrong with me I wish to improve upon or completely flush out of my system- a tendency to be unceasingly amorous (and I refuse to blame adolescence for it), being unpassionate and unhelpful, and over all unmotivated to do good, there is this one that i wish Christ could tear out of me completely.  When normal people are annoyed, they let it simmer and bubble out, going about with their day. When I get annoyed, I imagine violent thoughts of violent actions against those who annoy me, even my loved ones. I have come to notice this thought pattern in myself as I have started attempting to take the spiritual life more seriously. 

 

I don't know where this comes from, this tendency to think violent thoughts of violent actions- but I do know that I would want for them to stop. They are in their infancy, these violent thoughts, but their darkness is already adept at blinding those who cradle them- as I have seen in myself, wishing these violent things on my loved ones. I am ever thankful to Christ who holds my hand down when I feel the want to raise it against those who I love, though it is still very much terrifying to me that I could even consider doing such things, such violent thoughts of violent actions, to those I could love. 

 

Though I have always been insufficient intellectually, (for such was the case in childhood as it is now) I have always tried to understand my emotions and how they force me to interact with the world- as with many things, by citing wisdom older than that of my own. I opine that what I am feeling is not the first time I or anyone else has felt it, for the same person writing this shares a mind all too similar, but not at all the same, with another person who had lived decades or even centuries before him- probably contemplating on the same issues and problems. And in my findings I find that hatred is the lack of love. Hatred is not quantifiable, it does not take up space or has any value. The word itself is all the substance hatred has to it- the label describing a lack of love. Wilting and rot are not things that cling on or are thrown upon dead plants and animals, but words used to describe the end of life or a lack of nutrients. Hatred can never manifest, for it is not a thing in itself to manifest. The darkness of hatred does not exist, the darkness you see is the empty space where love is supposed to be.

 

In this i realized i had not been loving my loved ones enough, that should be the case to be feeling such things against them. My patron saint, St. Catherine of Siena, makes a point of this. In her dialogues she speaks of love as something synonymous, but ultimately distinct, from pain. To love is to feel pain, is what she espouses, a common conclusion by many mystics of the christian tradition- but is best exemplified in the writings and reflections of the Seraphic Virgin. In this i meditate that I would rather have both love and pain, that pain being a consequence of that love, but that love to sustain me through the pain- than a lack of love and a surplus of pain and hatred, that pain further plunging me into hatred and that hatred fuelling more violent thoughts and actions.

 

I cannot promise myself this, but I can only entrust that my Lord fortifies me to be able to achieve this standard I have set for myself- a pillar to stand on and leap from towards other steps leading to the achievement of the standard of Christ.

 


Submitted: May 17, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Hugo de Santa Catarina. All rights reserved.

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