Gary, comedian.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Gary wants to do stand-up. This is his story.

Gary, comedian.

 

 

*Warning/Disclaimer:

The following text is a fictional story written with humouristic intent and should not be taken seriously. Prolific swearing and use of stereotypes are not meant to offend anyone and I, the writer, apologize if they did. Drug and alcohol consumption as mentioned in the story is not meant to encourage anyone to do so. Characters and events as depicted in the story, are completely fictional and not based on anyone or anything, other than the writer’s imagination. All names, places, and events were picked randomly. Any resemblance to real-life is of pure coincidence.

Reader discretion is advised.

 

Act I

Gary was getting ready for his regular Tuesday night spot at the comedy club in NYC. He finished his pint at the backstage bar just as the host called him up on stage. The spotlight was directly on him. The crowd cheered and applauded as he walked to the center of the stage. At this point in his career, he was pretty confident in his material and he even had a nice little crowd of fans. He grabbed the mic and started.

“How’s everybody doing tonight? Ya feeling good? Cool. Cool. Alright I'm gonna get straight to it.  This is something that happened back in my high school years. There was this girl, from a different school but in the same neighborhood as I lived in, and, well, I don’t know how else to say this, but, well, um…. she filmed herself masturbating with a carrot.”

 A roar of laughter rose from the crowd. He continued.

“ I know!! Shits pretty fucked up, right? Well anyway, bear with me a moment, cause I'm gonna elaborate on this a little bit. Now it’s pretty obvious her masturbating video got sent to almost every teenager in the city, and I was one of the few people that didn’t get the video, but… all my friends did, so you know…. I saw that shit. I have to confess that it was one of the nastiest things I ever saw in my fucking life! Sit tight cause I’m gonna dissect all the elements of the video for your enjoyment.”

More laughter broke out.

“ First, there’s the girl herself, which was actually the only decent thing in the entire video. Then there’s the carrot. One big ol’ nasty carrot. Not like an average 6-inch carrot, I mean a 9 and half inch monstrosity! And sharp as fuck! That carrot looked like one of those make-shift daggers prisoners make in jail. Third, and this is the most disturbing element, is the motion. There was nothing erotic about it. She wasn’t passionately entering and exiting, no wavy motions. She was straight up stabbing her vagina with aggression, as if she was in a prison fight………with her pussy!”

 Another wave of laughter shot out of the crowd.

“And the faces she made, nothing but pain and anguish. Absolutely horrible.”

 The crowd continued to laugh and Gary waited for everyone to settle down.

“I just want to say that I don’t judge anyone, male or female, on their sexual tendencies or habits, but I can’t help but ask the women in the crowd tonight: do any of you enjoy stabbing yourselves in the vagina?” 

More laughter and noise raced across the room, and after the noise died down, one female “woooo” was heard.

Gary looked shocked at first and then he stated: “Well I’m sincerely thankful for your honesty, it takes a lot of courage to admit that, and I wish you a fun life……… like a good pussy stabbing!”

 The crowd cracked up as Gary concluded. “Thank you, everybody! I’m Gary, you guys were wonderful as always, I love you, goodnight!

Gary went off stage feeling really good.

He likes to mingle with his fans every now and then, so he headed to the main bar to finish the night off with a drink.

Gary sat down at the right edge of the bar and ordered a whiskey coke. To his left sat some guy, staring at his phone. Gary recognized him, he sat at the front row during his bit. Gary wanted to mingle with the audience so he took the liberty to start a conversation.

“Excuse me. I hope I’m not intruding, but I noticed you were at the front row, and I’d like to hear your thoughts on the show.”

“It was really funny, I liked how you compared the carrot to a make-shift knife from prison. By the way, I’m Tom.”

They shook hands, but Gary couldn’t help but look surprised. He could tell from Tom’s speech that he clearly was deaf.

“I hope I’m not offending you in any way, but you are deaf, right?” Gary asked.

“Oh yeah, definitely deaf” Tom answered.

Gary understood the situation. “So that’s why you sit front row? You read lips?”

“Yup. Since I was 12.” Tom replied.

This sparked Gary’s curiosity. “You must be pretty good at it by now eh? I mean I was still kinda far, and I was elevated up on stage.”

Tom took a lot of pride in his lip-reading abilities. “I’d like to think so, yes.”

He elaborated: “Part of its just practice, but I’m better at it than most of my deaf friends.”

“Why do you think that is?” Gary asked.

“You know that theory about how when you lose one sense, the others become stronger?”

“Yes” Gary replied.

“Well, I’ve noticed that as the years went by, my vision has become sharper when I focus on people’s lips. I think since I depend so heavily on lip-reading, somehow my subconscious just adapted. I can read lips from all kinds of angles.”

“That’s quite impressive Tom.” Gary said and gave him a friendly fist bump.

“Hey, want to hear the craziest thing that ever happened to me?” Tom asked.

“Of course,” Gary answered.

“It’s a little dirty, but considering what you shared onstage, I don’t think you’d mind.”

“Nope” Gary agreed.

Tom started to tell his story: “This was about a year ago. I came back home with my wife after a night out. Things got heated and we went into the bedroom. We’re having sex and I was bringing my a-game. I had a few drinks beforehand, was full of adrenaline, and really gave it my all. Now one thing you need to know is that my wife shakes like crazy when she orgasms, and she doesn’t feel comfortable shaking when I’m inside her, so she pushes me away before she feels a shake-fest is about to start. Anyhow, we’re fucking, she is about to orgasm and she pushes me away as usual. She starts shaking and quivering out of control. Then suddenly, I feel my vision fixating on her vagina, it started making these very subtle movements. Something looks familiar, but I can't understand what. So I tilt my head 90 degrees to the right, and then it hit me. Her pussy was mouthing “Enouuugh”. It was insane!”

They both cracked up with laughter.

“That’s a great accomplishment, Tom. Satisfying a woman to an extent that her vagina says it had enough.” Gary remarked.

Tom took this very seriously. “It’s my proudest moment and greatest achievement without a doubt. My son is a neuro-surgeon, but that moment takes the cake.”

They laughed once more.

Gary finished his drink, thanked Tom for his company, and went back home.

 

Act II

 

A few months have passed since Gary’s Tuesday spot when he met Tom. His fanbase grew since that show, and Joe, the owner of the club, decided it’s time that Gary get a chance to try a weekend spot. It was Friday night and Gary was feeling the pressure. It has been a while since he had felt this kind of pressure, but not without reason. A weekend spot is more demanding than a week-day gig, and if this show goes well, it can really help him advance as a comedian. Yet the pressure he felt was rooted in more than just a “make it or break it” moment.

 

 He knew that tonights material is the most controversial material he ever wrote. Tonight's material is thought-provoking, extremely obscene, graphic, and politically-incorrect. Although his fear, Gary really believed in his material, and he knew he could deliver it in a funny way.

 Gary had a “go strong, or go home” mentality. So he downed two or three shots of tequila at the backstage bar, and the host called him up. As he walked towards the center of the stage he had a wide smile on his face, ready to deliver. The crowd was loud, louder than what he was used to, it felt amazing.

“Alright, nice! Good to see everybody is in good spirits, but I have to warn you people, I’m about to rock your world! You guys ready?”

 A loud combination of “woos’” and “yeahs” were heard.

“First I have to admit, I really enjoy pot. That being said, a few weeks ago I was smoking a joint in my apartment, and I love watching shit about animals while high, but there wasn’t anything on TV. So my next best option was youtube. Anyhow, I find myself rigorously browsing through five or six pages of animal documentaries, until I find one called “Bonobo monkeys, the peace-loving apes”. I watched it and had a revelation about life.”

Everyone’s eyes were on Gary.

“Just to put things into context, we are Homo-sapiens, and the monkeys we are most genetically close to are Chimpanzees. Now for those who don’t know, Chimpanzee society is led by an alfa male, and order is maintained by violence. They fight over territory, food, mating partners, social status, basically everything. Well, that’s not how Bonobo’s do. Nope. Not even close. Bonobos are a matriarchal society. They share food, mating partners, and pretty much live in a commune. For example, if one mother can't find food for her baby she can go to a different family, and they’ll share their food with her, a total stranger!”

 Peoples faces looked amazed and intrigued. Gary continued.

 “Now I know all you greedy chimpanzees out there are asking yourselves: “why would they do that?” Let me tell you, the answer is amazing.”

 Gary took a very deep breath and shouted into the microphone: “SEXUAL, FAVORS!” 

The crowd bursts out laughing while Gary chuckles to himself. He waited for everybody to calm down and kept on.

 “Yes, you heard me right. These hippie monkeys live and breathe the “make love, not war” mentality. Not only are sexual favors used in almost any transaction, sex is simply very casual. So casual it’s a way of saying “hello” and “goodbye”. It’s a way of saying “thank you”, and, it is done between everyone no matter the gender or relationship: friends, partners, acquaintances, even strangers. Now imagine how life would look like if we Humans lived like that.

 The crowd roared with hysterical laughter and Gary continued.

 “Let me paint a picture. You're grocery shopping, you’re waiting in line, it looks exactly like any average store. You’re holding your groceries just waiting in line. It’s finally your turn, you put all of your bags n’ shit on the little shelf they have, and you start wanking the cashier. You leave the store, and on the way to your car you bump into a friend from college. You’re both so happy to see each other, it’s been years since you last met. So you drop everything and start sucking each other's dicks. And only after you‘re done you catch up.”

Gary mimics cleaning cum off his lips.

A wave of laughter and disgusted “ooow” breaks out, he continues the act.

“Wow Jake it’s so good to see you! Last time I saw you, you were 20 pounds heavier, you look amazing!”

He switches sides pretending to be the friend from college: “Yeah ya know, jogging and vegetables”. 

Gary couldn’t help but to start laughing with the crowd. He moved back from the mic stand. After a few seconds he moves back towards the mic and speaks:

“Alright everybody, settle down, I’m not done yet. There is a downside to this predicament, believe it or not. I don’t know if you noticed, but earlier I said, and I quote:

“Bonobos have sex with everyone: friends, partners, acquaintances and even strangers”. Well, that’s not everyone.”

 About half of the crowd clinched with disgust and cried “oow”.

Gary paused for a second or two to let the idea sink in. During this pause one man shouted: “FAMILY!!!”

 Gary punched the air with great joy and enthusiasm and yelled out: “YES!” and pointed in the man’s direction:

 “You sir are right! These are, quite literally, nasty motherfuckers”

“It’s the only flaw in this otherwise beautiful utopia. And I shit you not, this is how these monkeys behave, Google it if you must”.

“The only scientifically accurate way for us to live in harmony with one another, is if we were genetically close to the Bonobos, which implies having sex with our family.”

“Remember how I painted a picture of Bonobo lifestyle before adding this little detail? Well, here we go again”.

 “Remember going to family dinners when you were a kid?”

“And do you remember that before leaving, one of your parents would say “Go give grandma and/or grandpa a hug?”

“Well, guess what? In the Bonobo reality, it’s way more than just a hug.”

Everyone in the room looked like they had a naught twisting in their stomach.

Gary shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands in indifference for a while.

After this pause he grabbed the mic once more:

“Now I want each and every one of you to ask yourselves what you’d prefer: no wars, no hunger, no racism and no hardships whatsoever…Or fucking your relatives? …It’s a tough one, isn’t it?”

The audience laughed once again

“Now this is how this revelation helps me,” Gary stated.

“Anytime I hear something violently horrible happened on the news, be it murder, war, hunger, crime, etc. I stop and think about the only scientifically accurate alternative we have, and say to myself:  “eh, could be worse.”

The crowd laughed.

 The laughter died down, and Gary was just about ready to finish his act.

 

Suddenly, Gary noticed one woman, somewhere at the back of the club, stand up and elbow her way through dozens of people.

 She looked aggravated and upset. She was yelling at the people she crossed: “Fucking move!” and “Get out of my way!”.

 She was violent.

Gary looked at the security guys and asked them to relax and just wait this one out.

 He knew what was about to happen. For the first time in his career, he was going to have to deal with a heckler, and an angry one.

 Gary knew this would happen sooner or later if he was going to pursue comedy. He knew he was going to defend his material no matter what. He didn’t know exactly how he’d do it, and with a person as upset and crazy as this woman, it would be difficult.

The woman ran up as close as she could to the stage, before a bouncer caught her, about 16 feet away from Gary.

She shouted at him: “Fuck you! You piece of shit! My brother died in Iraq, and I would fuck anyone, including my family, to have him back!”

Gary was shocked. This was the worst scenario that could happen. But He kept his cool:

“Well, you are a better person than I am, I’ll give you that much. Cause I would never suck a dick, not even to save a life, including my own.” 

The audience laughed.

The woman started crying.

Gary couldn't help but feel bad. He knew he had to treat this woman’s pain with respect.

“look, lady. All jokes aside. I truly am sorry for your loss. But you have to understand… I’m a comedian. My job is to find certain things, that when presented in a certain context, will make some people laugh.”

“Some people may laugh, others will get offended, some may be disgusted. The reactions I get can vary from pure joy, to real pain. And there is no way I can make everyone happy”. 

“I am sorry for your loss, but I will not apologize for doing my best to entertain the audience.”

The woman seemed to calm down. The bouncer let go of her, but she wasn’t finished:

“You can’t just laugh at war!... Why can’t you do something nice, like impressions, impressions don’t hurt!”

The woman started to get on Gary’s nerves:

“First of all, I did laugh at war, so it is definitely possible.”

“Second, impressions just might offend the person who’s being imitated, so your argument is invalid.”

The woman looked frustrated.

At this point, Gary was so compelled to defend his act and profession, that he went even further:

“You see? There is no way you can’t step on someone’s toes. Even in life. It’s part of our Chimpanzee nature.”  

Gary’s wit and senses had become the sharpest he ever felt them. His vision zoomed in on a wrapper that peeked out of the woman’s chest pocket.

“I notice you ate a chocolate bar?”

The woman looked surprised: “Yeah, so?”

“So!?... Aren’t you aware that a large percentage of cocoa farms use child labor? …“And what about your shoes?... Child labor!...Your coffee?... Child labor!...

Your clothes and cellphone?... Child labor!... Your lunch?... Dead animals!... Your purse? Dead animals!... That nice shiny rock on your bracelet?... Slave labor!”

The woman was speechless.

Gary finalized: “You may have experienced pain in your life, but you have also contributed to someone else’s. So don’t attack me just because I poked at yours.”

Gary dropped the mic, and left the stage.

The audience applauded.

Feeling a little uneasy, Gary headed straight to the bar backstage.

He sat down and ordered a whiskey coke.

 Norm, the bartender, noticed that Gary was still riled up from interacting with the heckler. He tried to calm him down:

“That was pretty rough, that outburst of hers.”

“I’m just glad it’s over,” Gary answered.

 Norm was known for being nice to the comics.

“Look, I think you handled it well, and the crowd really enjoyed your bit, so all things considered, you had a good night.”

“Thanks Norm” Gary replied. Talking and drinking made him a little more at ease.

About 20 minutes later, Susan, another regular at the club, joined Gary at the bar after she finished her bit. They knew each other for a while and had become good friends by now.

“Hey Susan, what’s up?”

 “Could have done better tonight” She replied.

“How so?” Gary asked.

“Well there was your bit, you really stole the show, you prick.” They both laughed. Susan continued:

“I don’t know exactly what didn’t click, but it probably has something to do with Judith dumping me.”

Gary was surprised: “Really? I’m sorry to hear it, you two seemed very happy”

“We were” Susan replied. “She had some great perks”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Gary felt that she could use someone to talk to.

“Well, let’s keep this between us.”

“Sure” Gary agreed

“She loved eating pussy.” This caught Gary a little off-guard.

“She loved eating pussy, and let me tell you, she was good at it too,” Susan said.

“So what went wrong?” Gary asked.

“She said that my chubby legs were getting in the way of her eating my pussy”

“What?!” Gary answered in shock. “You're not even that fat!”

“I know!” Susan agreed. “But those are her words”

Gary couldn’t understand how that could end what seemed to be a good relationship.

“But isn’t there any way around that issue? Can’t you just, I don’t know, spread your legs more? Or something?”

Susan had a frustrated look on her face. “I fell off a tree when I was five and broke my hip. So I can’t spread my legs that much”

Gary still had a hard time grasping the whole idea.

“But that’s just one detail. You guys were happy even outside of the bedroom. You went to restaurants, and bars, and you hosted karaoke nights at your apartment.”

Susan shook her head in astonishment, she was just as baffled as Gary.

“Guess she just loves eating pussy more than anything else.”

Gary moved on to console her: “I hope you’re ok.”

Susan didn’t seem to be bothered much: “Nah! I’m fine. Not my first break-up, I’ll get through it.”

Gary was happy to see she was taking it lightly and cheered her up even more:

 “And don’t forget, there’s more where that came from.”

Susan smiled: “Yup. Plenty of fish at Home Depot!”

They both laughed.

Gary finished his drink and went home.

 

 

 

 

Act III

 

It’s Monday morning, three days have passed since Gary’s gig and first encounter with a heckler. He woke up feeling relaxed and clear-headed. All things considered, he had a good weekend. His show was successful, he dealt with his first heckler. On Saturday he chilled and got high at home all-day. Last night he went drinking with some friends and woke up with no hangover.

 All of these good things happening consecutively put Gary in a happy mood. He decided to try and keep this good mood alive and made himself a nice breakfast. Eggs, bacon, fried tomatoes, and toast with garlic butter. Gary loved a good breakfast. As Gary finished his delicious breakfast, his phone rang. He knew It’s probably Joe, the comedy club owner. Joe usually calls Gary every Monday morning to tell him his gig schedule for the upcoming week. Gary answered the call.

“Sup Joe? The usual? Or another weekend spot?” Gary asked in a cocky tone.

“Well, I haven’t figured out the schedule just yet. I don’t want to stress you out, but you should turn on channel 13, quickly.”

This caught Gary off-guard, it freaked him out. He turned on his TV immediately, switched to channel 13, and didn’t even hang up the phone.

On his screen, he saw one of those morning shows titled ”Good Morning New York.” He listened to the hosts.

“Some pretty inspiring words, right Sarah?” Said the male host.

“Couldn’t agree with you more Adam” The hostess answered, then continued.

“You know it’s not very often, if at all, that someone points out the flaws in our society in such a direct manner.”

“The last one to do so, was Bob Dylan, and he was the voice of a generation.” “We’ll be back with more on this issue, after these messages.” The host said.

Gary gulped his Adams apple anxiously.

“L…let me know when you set up the schedule,” Gary said hesitantly and ended the call.

At this point Gary knew what was going to happen, but he had to see to what extent.

The commercial break ended. Sarah, the hostess, welcomed the viewers.

“Hello and good morning to all our viewers who just tunned in. Adam and I are discussing this quite inspiring speech an audience member caught in a local comedy club, here in New York City.”

  “Now apparently the video has gotten a lot of attention on social media. For those of you who just joined the show, here’s the clip.” Adam pointed to a screen behind him.

The clip depicted the entire interaction between Gary and the heckler. From the moment she elbowed her way to the front rows, until Gary dropped the microphone and left the stage.

“I think this comedian is a modern-day Jesus, Sarah. This clip can raise awareness to issues forgotten by most of western civilization” Adam said.

“There is some truth to what you say, Adam. But we would like to hear what some of our viewers have to say, and we have one of them on the line with us now. Hello Cynthia, how are you this morning?”

Gary couldn't take it anymore. He turned off the television and started pacing frantically around his flat. He smoked a joint to relax his nerves.

Finally, he could think clearly. He thought to himself who could help him deal with a P.R. crisis? And then he realized, he needs an agent. But he needs a good one. Gary sat on his couch and brainstormed. Most of his stand-up buddies have small-time agents. They book a gig here and there, but have never dealt with sudden fame, and for the wrong reason nonetheless.

Then it hit Gary all at once. Andrew! He should call Andrew!

Andrew was a fellow comedian whose career took off just when Gary got his first gigs. Andrew had successful shows all over New York and his agent even booked him in Boston, Atlantic City, and Vegas. Andrew wasn’t in the city anymore. His agent told him that his next step was to branch out, and move to L.A.

Gary knew that it’s a bit of a long shot, but he had to try. So Gary picked up his phone and called the only person he thought might still have Andrew’s info.

“Hey Susan. I-“

“Holy shit. Did the messiah just call me? Susan teased him.

“Oh shit. Fuck. You heard?” Gary asked miserably.

“And seen. Your little monologue has over 100 million views on social media. I bet you 50 bucks it reaches a billion within a week.” Susan laughed.

“I don’t have time for your bullshit. listen, I need a favor. Are you still in contact with Andrew?” Gary asked impatiently.

“Yeah, we text before holidays,” Susan answered.

“I need his number, I need his agent. He’s the only guy I can think of that could help me.”

“Sure, I’ll send you his info. Just be sure to mention you got the number from me.” Susan said.

“Thank you. Talk to you soon.” Gary hung up.

A few seconds passed and he got a text from Susan with Andrew’s info. He sent Andrew a message. He mentioned how he got the number, who he was, and what was his situation. Gary didn’t want to straight-up call Andrew since their acquaintance was brief.

With nothing better to do, Gary contacted Joe, the club owner, to find out when was his next spot.

“Well, considering the following you have with your clip going viral and all. I think both Friday and Saturday night will suffice.” Joe chuckled.

“Man, this isn’t how I want to be known! A prophet looking to help others? I just make jokes, you know that.” Gary complained.

“I know, but a packed show, is a packed show. Besides, once you get back to your material, your image will change accordingly.”

Joe’s words made Gary feel better.

“Alright. I hope so. See ya.” Gary hung up.

The only thing left is to talk to Andrew’s agent, he thought to himself. But he wasn’t going to just wait around aimlessly for a call, so he got working on his next show’s material.

About three hours passed until Gary’s phone rang. It was Andrew.

“Well I’ll be damned. Little Gary from the club has turned into an internet sensation.”

Gary couldn’t tell if Andrew was laughing with him, or at him. Though he didn’t care that much.

“Those were different times, eh?” Gary said sarcastically.

“Yes they were my friend. How can I help you Gary?” Andrew asked.

“I was wondering if you could refer me to your agent? If he can get me gigs somewhere far away from New York, maybe I can go back to just doing comedy, without being a justice warrior,” Gary explained.

“Didn’t you hear me before? You’re an internet sensation. You can’t run away from the internet. You're stuck with this image until you change it. Moving to L.A. won’t help.” Andrew laughed.

“Look, man. I just need somebody who can help me figure out what my next step is.”

“Well, Ben, my agent, is just the guy for these situations. You know, when I was doing shows in New York, at some point I started to feel like I was losing my edge. The same clubs with the same crowd, over and over. Know what I mean?. Anyhow, Ben heard me out, booked shows all over, and I’ve been doing great ever since.” Andrew made a valid point.

“Sounds like he understands both the performer and the business,” Gary said.

“Exactly,” Andrew replied.

“I’ll give Ben your number. This is your phone, right?”

“Yes,” Gary answered.

“Alright, I’ll talk to him, I’ll tell him it’s an emergency, he’ll get back to ya as soon as he can.”

“Thanks man. I appreciate it. Bye.”

The call ended. Gary went back to work on his material to pass time.

Four more hours passed and Gary’s phone rang once more. It was Ben, Andrew’s agent. Gary answered the call.

“Hi, Ben? Can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear Gary, how may I help you?” Ben asked.

“Look, I assume you've heard what's going on with me and the internet.”

“Yes, I’m aware of you’ve become a justice warrior-messiah type personality. This can only help you, ya know. There is no such thing as bad publicity.” Ben explained.

“Look, I’m not interested in being a prophet, I just wanna write jokes, that’s all.’ Gary replied.

“Alright. If you want to reverse your image, simply go live on some social media platform and explain just that.”

“But I don’t do any social media whatsoever,” Gary stated.

“Dude, it’s the 21st century, and you’re not 80, what the fuck?” Ben was frustrated.

“I’m old-school. Meet people face-to-face, or they see me perform. It’s worked out so far.”

“OK. OK. I won’t argue. Let me think.” The call went silent for a moment.

“Gary you here?” Ben asked.

“Yup”. Gary answered.

“What’s your schedule like?”

“I have two shows this weekend at the club,” Gary answered.

“Great! Wonderful! That means I don’t have to book you one myself. Now, what you need, is to simply do an act without touching in any way, not even remotely, on any big issues that concern society. Nothing controversial, nothing thought-provoking. If you do so, you’ll just make things worse. I don’t care what you have ready. Change that shit. Do some harmless dick jokes, or fart jokes. I don’t care if you bring cute cat photos from the internet. Just don’t mock society. And don’t be a pig either. Nothing misogynist, nothing too violent, or insulting to specific groups. You can be sure that someone will record parts of the show, just waiting to upload it. So there are many eyes on you, and you don’t want angry housewives ruining your career before it had a chance to take off.”

“Alright, I think I can do that. I have some dick jokes and I can add some fart stuff. Maybe something funny about animals. That good?” Gary asked.

“Yup, that’ll do. You might have to do this kind of humor for a while, until you lose some heat, which in my opinion, is a total waste, but to each his own.”

Gary was relieved and ready to end the call.

“Thanks Ben, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Hey, and if you change your mind and want to make a profit from this shabang of yours. You have my number. Bye.”

The call ended and Gary went straight to adjusting his material. He did so until late at night. Then he finally decided it’s time to go to bed.

 

=

Act IV

 

Friday had finally arrived. Gary couldn’t wait to get up on stage, and start the long process of redeeming his persona as a simple comedian, instead of a modern-day prophet. He had the perfect material for it. Nothing too controversial, so as not to attract prying eyes. Nothing too observational, so as not to add to his already out of proportion preachy image.  Just a couple of dick jokes, some fart jokes, and something funny about animals.

To Gary’s utter disliking, his clip talking to the heckler had become even more viral. Social media experts had estimated his clip had been watched by more than a billion people worldwide. It had even created a new movement, called the #HealHumanity movement. It was trending on all social media platforms. The movement was calling nation leaders to disarm all of their military forces, encouraged individuals across the globe to leave their daily life in pursuit of volunteering efforts in third world countries, and help those in need.

Gary thought that it was despicable. It just made him more eager to go out and stop this mess.

As soon as Gary got up, he went straight to the comedy club. He knew that an absurd amount of people would show up later that evening, and wanted to avoid all the commotion. So he called Joe, the owner, in advance, to make sure the club was open. When he arrived, he sat down at the bar backstage and listened to music for a few hours, just to clear his head.

Time went by and Gary fell asleep at the bar. At around 5 pm, Norm, the bartender, entered and shook Gary in order to wake him up.

“Hey there Gary, don’t want you to miss your devout followers,” Norm said and laughed.

“Haha, very funny Norm, you prick,” Gary said as they shook hands.

“How bout you help me prepare the bar? It’ll help me with my job, and help you pass time.” Norm offered.

“Only if you pour me a pint when we’re done,” Gary replied.

“With pleasure,” Norm said with a smile.

Gary enjoyed talking to a friendly face. He helped him prep both the backstage and the main bars. It took about two hours. Once they finished, they both headed to the backstage bar.

“Two hours till the show starts,” Gary said to Norm, as the latter served him a pint.

“And you’re drinking two hours before it starts, some things never change, eh?” Norm chuckled.

“Let’s hope things go back to normal after tonight,” Gary remarked.

Right after Gary finished his sentence, Susan and Lamar walked in.

 Lamar was a fellow comedian, but he missed Gary’s show last Friday. He was celebrating his girlfriends birthday. He didn’t even hear Gary’s whole show, just saw the clip online.

“There are about two thousand crazy-ass bitches hurdled outside, trying to get in.” Lamar stated.

“They’re all females??” Gary looked pleasantly surprised.

“Naw man, but if you’re part of that crowd, you a crazy ass-bitch, as far as I’m concerned.”

Gary sighed in discomfort.

“They’re out there waving signs and shit. “#HealHumanity” and “stop the violence”. All kinds of shit.” Said Lamar.

“Look, Lamar, you should have heard my bit, it was great. The audience was going wild. Just this one woman heckled me, and I reacted. I didn’t preach about helping the poor or anything, just tried to dismiss the heckler.” Gary said.

“How the fuck did you fuck up this bad, Gary,” Lamar asked.

Susan intervened at this point.

“His show was really good, Lamar.”

Susan and Gary told Lamar about the bit Gary did last Friday. They chatted between themselves as time passed. Two hours had gone by, and it was about time for the show to start. Gary was becoming irritated and nervous. He could hear the audience amass from beyond the stage.

Gary, Susan, and Lamar kept talking until suddenly, they heard Joe’s voice announcing something on stage.

“We are very sorry, but the show is delayed by one hour due to immense pressure at the box office, the few empty places will be occupied shortly. Security is dealing with people who are trying to get in without paying. We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Drinks are free for the rest of the night.”

 The audience cheered.

Gary planted his forehead in his palm. His friends patted him. They kept on chatting for an hour. Then finally, they heard the host’s voice.

 Gary straightened his back, slapped himself on the face, and was ready.

“We are once again, terribly sorry. But tonight’s show has been canceled. We might be dealing with a tragedy. About seven people have been trampled, they are presumed dead. About twenty more are severely injured. We’ve contacted emergency forces. Police and ambulances are on their way. We do request that you remain seated until the issue is resolved, for your own safety.”

Gary had a blank expression on his face and sighed deeply. He turned to Norm

“Norm, I think I’d like a whiskey coke, please.”

“Sure thing bud.” Norm passed him his drink.

Gary sat at the bar, dumbfounded, sipping one drink after another. He kept drinking for a few hours, until he passed out on the floor.

At some point Gary woke up. His vision was blurry, and his stomach was making all kinds of noises. He made his way to the club’s entrance. The sun was so bright he could bearly see anything. After squinting and blinking for a while, he saw a few police units were still on site, and red tape surrounded the premise. He wondered how long he was knocked out, so he glanced at his phone and saw that it was already 8:30 AM. Gary took a few steps towards the sidewalk and noticed Joe, sitting on the curb, holding his head in his hands. Gary approached Joe.

“Joe? You OK?”

“They’re gonna need at least two weeks to finish their investigation.” He replied.

“ I’m sorry this happened, things are getting outta hand with the clip, people are going nuts.” Gary tried to show some sympathy, but he was clearly hung-over.

“You bastard. You fucking asshole. 25 years I’ve been running the place. Six days a week. I’ve had legends perform here. Yet somehow you, an up-and-comer, brought destruction to my business.” Joe ranted.

“Listen, it’s just two weeks. Then everything is back to normal right? Besides, this is your chance to get some time off. You said it yourself. 25 years, six days a week. You've earned it.”

Joe smiled. “You know how to sweet talk, I’ll give you that. I can handle two weeks vacation. Things could go back to normal. I sure do hope so. But let me tell ya. If you want to step in this place again, you better have some a-grade shit. One bad show, and you’re banned from the club.”

“That’s alright by me.” Gary relied.

Gary ducked under the red tape, and started to walk towards his flat. It didn’t take more than ten steps before people on the street started to recognize him. They started to walk towards him. Gary quickly noticed a cab drive by. He whistled as loud as he could. The cab stopped. Gary ran towards the cab, shoving his way through the people who wanted to talk to him, and jumped inside.

Even the cab driver yapped about how graceful and touching Gary’s speech was. But Gary leaned his head on the window, and fell asleep briefly.

A few minutes later Gary arrived at his building. He dragged himself up the stairs. He finally made it home. The first thing he did was go to the toilet, puke his guts out, and only then did he collapse on his bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act V

 

Gary slept nearly a whole day. He woke up the next morning at 7 AM. He felt physically rejuvenated but mentally stressed. He looked at his phone. It showed 25 missed calls. He couldn’t cope, so he tossed it aside. He had no idea what to do with his time. He didn’t want to turn on the TV, for fear of hearing what’s happening with the whole movement. There wasn’t a reason to write anything at the moment. He felt lost.

Eventually he decided to start the day like any other. He made himself breakfast, the same one he always makes. After breakfast he rolled a joint, turned on some music, laid back on his couch, and zoned out for an hour or two.

After relaxing for a while, Gary mustered some courage and looked at his phone. He searched the web, and what he found out frustrated him even more. The #HealHumanity movement announced the victims of the comedy club incident as martyrs. Not only that, but the families of the victims joined this announcement as well. Gary read their statement.

“Our sons and daughters died believing that the words of the comedian known as Gary, were meant to compel us to help those in need, and go out of our way to stop all cruelty in the world. We ask of everyone, regardless of race, religion, nationality or gender. Please don’t let our loved ones die in vain. Join our cause. Together, we can heal humanity.”

Gary was overwhelmed. He couldn’t digest any of this. So he did exactly what he had done before, roll one up, light it, and chill.

Gary spent the next few days getting high and avoiding contact with the outside world. He wouldn’t even dare go out for groceries. Every now and then he would turn on the television, or look at his phone to see if the movement is fading away. But the reality was exactly the opposite of what he’d hoped for.

The movement was growing, it had an international army of supporters. Celebrities from all kinds of professions were declaring that they have donated all of their wealth to all sorts of foundations. Some to feed the hungry, some to build schools, some to build hospitals, and the list goes on and on.

Gary lost track of what day it was. He just kept smoking, eating, and listening to music.

At some point, he tuned in to the news once more.

“All mega-corporations are donating 90% of their funds to various charities, stating that they are preparing to work for a low-profit margin, once all humanity has heald from its troubles. This has been met with a world-wide influx of volunteers. Charities and non-profit organizations all around the world have reported their volunteer numbers have grown tenfold. Economists are predicting the end of hunger and poverty within a year.”

For the first time since all this craziness started, Gary felt touched. He was starting to accept the fact that he may be the person who ushered humanity into a new era. He rolled another one, and lit it up.

More days passed as Gary got high and listened to music. Once again he turned on his TV, and got updated.

“The #HealHumanity movement has brought to yet another breakthrough. This time regarding an industry that doesn’t affect humans directly. That’s right folks, we’re talking about the meat and dairy companies. They took notice of all the billions of people who have denounced meat and dairy products, and vowed to focus on plant-based alternatives.”

This new bit of information kind of bummed Gary out. After all, this does affect his breakfast. Yet he knew he couldn’t stop it from happening. So he sparked another joint, and laid back on his couch. He let a few more days pass until he eventually tuned in to the news again. 

“Leaders of all countries have met today at the United Nations headquarters to sign an international peace treaty. It seems that nearly all of society’s issues have been resolved. The only mystery left unsolved is the man who started it all. The comedian known as Gary. He has not once spoken publicly, yet billions of people across the planet are waiting to hear what this dear man has to say.”

Gary had finally come to terms with the state of things. Without any intent to do so, he brought humanity into an age of harmony. He took his phone, and called the only person who could help this situation. He called Ben, his agent.

“Hey Ben, What’s up?”

“Oh, what's up, eh? Listen fuckface, where the fuck have you been? Three whole fucking weeks I’ve been trying to reach you. Jesus, I don’t want to sound selfish, the whole planet has been trying to get a hold of you. Humanity is on the break of entering a golden age but you’re too busy doing what? Let me guess. You were masturbating… like an asshole, just ignoring the outside world. Everyone wants to hear the world-renowned prophet speak, and you’re jerking off.” Ben ranted.

“I smoked a bunch of weed, but you were close,” Gary replied.

“Listen, I don’t have time for your crap. I need to set up some sort of interview. Strike that, an interview or guest spot on a talk show would have been adequate two weeks ago. You need a platform to address all of humanity. I’ll make some calls and set you up. Don’t smoke weed or masturbate, and make sure to answer your fucking phone.”

Ben ended the call.

Gary rolled a small joint, he had to do something, he couldn’t just look at the walls aimlessly.

Two hours later, Gary’s phone rang.

“Talk to me Ben.”

“It’s all set up. I talked to the government and-“

Gary interrupted.  “You simply called the government?”

“ I have connections. Stop being a dick. Shut the fuck up, and listen. In two days, you’re going to speak at Time’s Square, to an enormous amount of people. It’s gonna be broadcasted on live television, all over the world. Write a speech and-“

Gary interrupted once again. “Are you fucking stupid? Another rally? What is it with you people? You want hundreds more to die? Seven isn’t enough?”

“Your concern is well placed. They said they’ll take care of it. They’ll place barricades, and railing, they’ll organize chairs so that people can sit in an orderly fashion. Don’t worry about it. It’s on them. Just say some nice things about everyone and go the fuck home.”

“OK. Fine. Bye” Gary hung up.

During the two day wait, Gary thought about what he would say. The night before the rally he had a hard time sleeping. He wasn’t sure what exactly to say.

After twisting and turning in bed for a few hours, he finally got it. Now that his head was clear, he fell asleep.

 

Gary woke up. Didn’t stop to think too much. Simply made himself breakfast. The usual one. Eggs, bacon, fried tomatoes, and toast with garlic butter. Knowing this was the last time he’ll eat eggs, bacon, and butter, he savored every bite. After washing his dishes, Gary laid down on his couch and listened to music. No joint this time. He wanted to stay sober before the big rally, and there wasn’t much for him to do, so he simply waited for his ride to arrive.

Gary lost track of time and his mind started to drift, until his phone rang. He knew it was his cue to head downstairs.

The ride to Times Square was shorter than what he was used to. There were zero cars on the streets. The minute he arrived, armed security guards opened the door for him and escorted him to a staircase leading to an elevated podium.

Gary climbed the stairs and walked towards the podium. The amount of people seemed to be infinite. Rows and rows of people stretched out farther than what his vision could perceive. All the screens that made Times Square so famous were showing his face. He adjusted the microphone to face him.

“Hi”

A tremendous roar of cheering echoed all around him. Ten times stronger than what you’d hear at a football stadium.

“I just want to say how wonderful you all are. Your willingness to work towards a common goal, and noble one, humbles me.”

More cheering burst out.

“I don’t have anything else to add. I’d like to hear what you have to say.”

A bunch of hands were raised. Gary pointed at some woman.

“You over there, with the brown shirt and red hair.”

“I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are an amazing man.” The woman said.

“Thank you for contributing to the cause,” Gary replied.

More hands were raised. Gary pointed at some guy.

“You. Tall man with the white hat and glasses.”

“I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me. Donating all my savings has given me a new wave of energy. I haven’t felt this good since my twenties.” The man started to cry.

“You are a wonderful person, and your donation has improved someone's life.”

Dozens more raised their hands. Gary pointed at a random Lady.

“You, Lady. Yes you, holding the chihuahua.”

“What gave you the courage to point out the flaws and hypocrisies in our society, and in such a public setting?” The lady asked.

“Well, honestly, I was just doing my job. I’m a comedian, and the woman in the clip felt hurt by my routine. So I simply pointed out the fact that some of her everyday actions hurt other people on the other side of the world. I never took part in any charities or volunteered. Frankly, I never thought about it much.”

“So you never really cared about any of this?” The lady questioned Gary.

“I do now. We’ve made such a difference in the world. But before? Nah.”

“OK Gary, one more question. If you don’t care, why should I?” The lady said accusingly.

People started to murmur.

“Hey, let’s all settle down.” Gary tried to calm the atmosphere.

Out of the blue one person shouted: “Fuck you Gary. If you don’t care, neither do I”

More shouts were heard.

“I sold my Porche because of you! You suck!”

“My daughter went to volunteer in Africa, and now she has Ebola, Asshole!”

“I quit my job to build a soup kitchen. I have a mortgage. What will happen to me?!”

People were panicking all around. Everyone rushed back to their homes, and tried to piece their lives to the way they once were.

Some time had passed since the rally, and life went back to normal. The mega-corporations found legal loopholes to get their money back. People quit their volunteering missions and went back to their jobs. Armies fought from time to time.

 And Gary? Gary went home, rolled a joint, laid back on his couch, and listened to music.

 

 

The end.

 


Submitted: May 18, 2020

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