But I'm Not

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

To explore the mindset of one with Multiple Personality Disorder

The sound of the hand dryer quickly pierced the silence when my hands slid underneath it. Someone whispered, “I won't let anyone bully you again.” I turned around and surveyed the stalls. No one was in the bathroom except me. I turned around again to touch up my makeup. Black ink had run down from my red eyes to the sides of my cheeks.

“ I will protect you. Those who bully you must die,” someone stated adamantly.

“What? Who are you?” I uttered, looking around. Suddenly, my eyes locked with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. It’s talking to me?

“Ever since we were young, it was me who has protected you and taken care of you by your side. Sammy, actually your sister has never left your side.”

“ Sister? No, you're not my sister. My sister’s already dead. Leave me alone. Go away!”

“If I'm gone, you'll let people bully you. Without me around, you can't fight back.”

“I can handle it myself! I don't need you to do anything for me,” I screamed at the mirror exasperatedly.

You can?” she said, her voice full of doubt, “Then tell me. Tell me how you’re gonna handle it. Swallow it and reason with them? Huh? That doesn’t work in this world.”

“I’ll have my ways to deal with it,” I voiced softly.

“If you don’t fight back, people are gonna think you’re a pushover, an easy target. If you won’t fight back. I’ll take them on for you,” she declared confidently.

“I don’t need your help. Go away. GO AWAY!” I screamed. My voice resonated against the hollow beige walls. 

“Sammy, I’m doing all of this only to protect yo-” As if everything held its breath, everything went silent. A tear slid down my face and onto the white porcelain sink covered with miniscule pieces of glass. I looked up again. I punched the mirror. It cracked at once. Several shards fell as my fist slowly lifted from the center of the mirror. Blood covered my knuckles but I didn’t register the pain. As I stared at my distorted reflection, I thought. I don’t understand why Sammy likes to wear her hair in braids. It makes her look like a nerd. I ripped out the hair ties and walked out of the bathroom. I returned to AP English and pushed my seat out, causing a high pitched squeak. People’s heads swiveled around like pigeons staring at dropped bread crumbs. They all looked at me like they’ve never seen someone sit before. Stupid fucks. 

I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and started blowing big obnoxious bubbles. I caught a few glances my way and rolled my eyes. Minutes later, the bell rang. Finally, lunch time. Quickly, I grabbed my bag and swung it over my shoulder. 

“Hey, Sammy!” I recognized her voice and turned around. Exactly who I wanted to talk to. Sharon and her other little pretty friends. She used her long dumb finger to summon me over. I smirked and raised one of my eyebrows. Shoving my thumbs into my pockets, I followed them to the bathroom on the fourth floor.

“Get out!” she told some girl using the sink, crossed her arms, and stood there like an arrogant monument. The other girl ran out and the door swung closed behind her with a thud. The bitch Sharon walked up to me and shoved my right shoulder.

“Hey,” she said, “Where’s your wallet?  Hand it over while I’m being nice.” I smirked. She wrinkled her ugly face and shoved me again with her thin-looking fingers. 

“Did you just smile at me?” she raised her voice. Yes. Yes, I did. As she raised her hand to push me for a third time, I wrapped my fingers around her twigs and snapped them back as far as I could. She let out a shrill scream. I looked up to see her other pretty friends, satisfying looks of shock. I bent her arm around her back and pushed her to the floor with little to no effort. Her loyal dogs charged at me. Quickly, I banged one’s head against the stall door and kicked another one in her fragile stomach. All of them laid on the floor, either rolled up in a ball or clutching their heads. 

“You littl-” she hissed. I dropped my bag, stepped on her hand, and bent down to get real close. She screamed again in pain. I whispered, “Listen, cause I’m only gonna say this once. Never ever touch Sammy again or else you’ll never find your fingers again. If I find out,” She whimpered. “we’ll meet again. Don’t worry.” I got off her twigs and picked up my bag. I shot her one last look before stepping out of the bathroom and walking down the stairs out the double doors. Done. 


I dropped my bag on the worn down couch and sank in, resting my feet on the coffee table while knocking down a couple of beer bottles. 

“Sammy? Ya home?” My crazy aunt stumbled from her bedroom, slurring her words. Whatever. I ignored her and closed my eyes. 

“Why aren't you answering?” she screamed. “Why? You're also gonna ignore me like your bastard uncle? Huh? That son of a bitch hasn't returned any of my calls or given me money.” I got up, took my bag up to my room, and locked the door. Clambering into bed, I finally closed my eyes, sending me into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up to the rumbling sound of my stomach. I rolled over but it didn’t stop. Getting up, my eyes were met with a disturbing image in the full-length mirror across the room. The girl staring back at me was a stranger?tousled and weary. The ringing of a phone pierced through the silence. Probably one of those stupid telemarketers. I got out of bed and slid my combat boots on. Putting my hair up in a bun, I walked out of the house. My aunt was passed out on the couch. Several beer bottles were knocked down on the floor. I just started walking. 

There was nowhere I particularly wanted to go, not that I was welcomed anywhere anyway. I shoved my hands in my denim jacket and plugged my earphones. I walked past my neighbor’s lawn. They were having a barbecue. The aroma of charcoal and sound of sizzling meat made my stomach grumble. Their dog sprinted everywhere, its golden fur catching the sunlight. I picked up my pace. When I slowed down, I caught myself kicking the same pebble over and over again until it bounced off to the side of the curb. I walked over, picked it up, and shoved it in my pocket. I continued walking. My life has been a complete wreck after my mom passed away. That bastard got locked up for sexual assault charges and my aunt has been ignoring me, screaming at me, and throwing all sorts of fits to make me get her nothing other than alcohol. Everyday, my life repeats. I wake up, go to school, sleep, and live like air. I don’t bother anyone so they don’t bother me. There really isn’t a point. I paused at a stoplight. The cars passed. A truck, a red compact car, a black sedan… Should I just… No one cares anyways. All the pain and suffering would just stop. I’m tired of this freaking life. Not like it’s gonna get any better. I took my first step and then the next. I was on the road. Slowly, I kept walking and closed my eyes. I heard honks. Continuous honks. Loud honks. I waited and waited for something to hit me. This was the only control I ever had over my life. After a few seconds, I opened my eyes. A car swerved in front of me and my ankles gave way. I dropped to the floor.

“What the hell? Are you crazy?!” the driver screamed in rage. Yes. Yes, I am. “Do you want to die or something?” he continued. Yes. Yes, I do. “Watch where you're going!” he said. I got up and ran in front of his car.

“Hit me. Hit me. I SAID HIT ME!” I yelled, banging on the hood of his car. His hands clenched around the steering wheel. His eyes filled with confusion. 

“What are you waiting for?” I screamed, “Just hit me. Why won't you hit me alrea-” I blacked out.

My body jerked and I bolted awake. The sharp smell of medicinal alcohol hung in the air and somewhere a machine pinged in quiet rhythm with my heart. I tried to move my right arm but a sharp pain restrained me. Looking down, I noticed an IV tugging at the skin of my forearm. I saw the silhouette of a nurse. 

“How do you feel? Do you know where you are, Sammy?” she asked. I closed my eyes. But I'm not Sammy. 


Submitted: May 24, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Daichi. All rights reserved.

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