Self loathing

Being strong means 

I can’t break down 

I can’t not be ok

I can’t not support my family

I can’t have suicidal thoughts 

Shame on me if I do 

Shame on me to feel weak

Shame on me if I don’t have it together

Shame on me if I feel sad

I can’t fall apart 

I can’t let people see

I can’t be reckless

I can’t do anything I want to do

So good for you if you can scream 

if you can yell 

 if you can cry 

if you can break down

How lucky you are to be able to be a mess, if you want to be a mess

I bet that feels good to just let go and give in to your feelings 

That sounds dumb, I know

to say I am envious of someone that is able to let their life go to shit 

But I am 

Because I can’t 

I can’t just say fuck it all and curl up in a ball no matter how much I want too, 

And I want too! 

I used too, and you know what...? 
it felt good

To pour it all out 

To be selfish 

To cut deep, to see the blood flow

It felt good to be able to let myself just be sad 

Actually I was addicted to the feeling 

I wanted to be sad

To the point your heart feels like wrenching from your chest

You can’t breath 

There’s an ache and a heaviness

You’ve cried so much that only dry tears fall

I want to be allowed to fall apart 

To be self loathing 

But I can’t I can’t let go enough to do that 

Not anymore 

i can't go down that path again 

I can't be that person 

not when I have so much that I love