Being strong means
I can’t break down
I can’t not be ok
I can’t not support my family
I can’t have suicidal thoughts
Shame on me if I do
Shame on me to feel weak
Shame on me if I don’t have it together
Shame on me if I feel sad
I can’t fall apart
I can’t let people see
I can’t be reckless
I can’t do anything I want to do
So good for you if you can scream
if you can yell
if you can cry
if you can break down
How lucky you are to be able to be a mess, if you want to be a mess
I bet that feels good to just let go and give in to your feelings
That sounds dumb, I know
to say I am envious of someone that is able to let their life go to shit
But I am
Because I can’t
I can’t just say fuck it all and curl up in a ball no matter how much I want too,
And I want too!
I used too, and you know what...?
it felt good
To pour it all out
To be selfish
To cut deep, to see the blood flow
It felt good to be able to let myself just be sad
Actually I was addicted to the feeling
I wanted to be sad
To the point your heart feels like wrenching from your chest
You can’t breath
There’s an ache and a heaviness
You’ve cried so much that only dry tears fall
I want to be allowed to fall apart
To be self loathing
But I can’t I can’t let go enough to do that
Not anymore
i can't go down that path again
I can't be that person
not when I have so much that I love
Submitted: May 28, 2020
© Copyright 2023 quetzala. All rights reserved.
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