Dear Master

Jake J. Harrison

HI RichardPercival,

Thank you for the opportunity to read your story!

You posted this as a book and I am still trying to figure out if this is the first chapter of a longer story or a stand-alone short story? Either way, I think it works better for now as a stand-alone short story as it has a beginning, middle, and end and doesn't really hint at more to come. The story reads like a fable with mythical creatures, a narrator sent on a task that must be completed, and an act of kindness being repaid. I have always loved fables.

You asked whether I would have the read whole thing if it wasn't for a review? The answer is yes for several reasons:

1. I wanted to see how she would catch the Daff-Rabbit. This is story's engine and you seem to know it - good. You actually give away the fact that the rabbit is caught by using the device of a letter. So, what the reader is then thinking is how will this somewhat dimwitted creature catch the clever Daff-Rabbit. It doesn't seem possible through much of the story. That's the tension that keeps the reader moving ahewad.

2. I wanted to learn more about the world you have created. Some animals can talk and use telepathy. I think you can even flesh this out a bit more.

3. I wanted to know more about the narrator. I realize over the course of the story that she's some type of animal, is not the brightest, and lives on some world that she thinks was created by a higher power she called Master.

4. You write well so that I am not distracted by grammar, awkward sentences, etc. I pointed out some suggestions for tightening up your prose, but overall you're a good writer.

5. I enjoyed the humor of the story. The narrator has an oblivious self-deprecating charm which made me chuckle a few times.

I'm undecided on the letter format. I suppose it works fine and you use it as a vehicle to tease out the voice of the narrator.

There are some things you can do to make this even more compelling:

1. Be more precise and descriptive with your language. At times, you get a bit lazy and use bland words like "some" "thing" etc. In your next draft, flesh these out.

2. The story threw me off in places. The narrator seems to develop a deep bond with the rabbit at the beginning and is heartbroken when she finds out it's the Daff-Rabbit. I don't understand that connection as a reader. You need to show them deepening this bond a bit more. Just sharing a few berries is not enough to explain his sadness.

3. Raise the stakes. Tell us what happens if she comes back without the Daff-Rabbit. Does she not become an adult? Is she removed from the tribe? Can she take as much time as she wants?

4. Follow though on the signals. You throw a few false signals that don't materialize. For example, the berries. As a reader, we expect that the berries are poisonous because she has a stomach ache, the fish are dying, etc. Adding something like this in would actually amp up the tension in the story. She needs to get the Daff-Rabbit quickly or will have a serious stomach problem, etc. If you don't develop more, then remove from the story. The berries and hunger really don't factor into the conclusion one way or the other right now are just a distraction.

I hope this feedback helps. I'm curious to know if this just a stand-alone story or part of a book. Let me know.

Please also message me with any questions.

Best,

Jake

charlamaye

good story