Dear Master

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

During times of great crisis for the Slavani people, their God, Savara, will manifest as an avatar in the mortal plane and lead her people into a glorious golden age. But the times she manifests are few and far between, and while Savara loves all her creations, it’s impossible to meet them all in the limited time she does have. So, the Slavani take to writing letters and ritualistically burning them every year to send them to their Master. The following is a collection of those letters, with the Slavani sending important anecdotes of their day to day lives. (Cover art by shizen1102)

Table of Contents

Menace of the Daff-Rabbit


In order to be considered an adult in her village, a young Slavani must travel deep into a nearby forest and hunt a Daff-Rabbit, one of the most cunning creatures on the planet.
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The Blessed Vessel


A Slavani agent is dedicated to hunting down heretics and blasphemers against their Master, and believes she has tracked one down.


Art by Aonec: https://www.instagram.com/aonec_/?hl=en
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Loan Shark


The Slavani don't know much about money, so on worlds where they have to live side by side with humans, the opportunistic aliens often fraud and cheat them out of their hard earned currency. When
one such alien has gone too far, a Slavani Assassin is sent to deal with the problem.
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Recent Comments

Jake J. Harrison

HI RichardPercival,

Thank you for the opportunity to read your story!

You posted this as a book and I am still trying to figure out if this is the first chapter of a longer story or a stand-alone short story? Either way, I think it works better for now as a stand-alone short story as it has a beginning, middle, and end and doesn't really hint at more to come. The story reads like a fable with mythical creatures, a narrator sent on a task that must be completed, and an act of kindness being repaid. I have always loved fables.

You asked whether I would have the read whole thing if it wasn't for a review? The answer is yes for several reasons:

1. I wanted to see how she would catch the Daff-Rabbit. This is story's engine and you seem to know it - good. You actually give away the fact that the rabbit is caught by using the device of a letter. So, what the reader is then thinking is how will this somewhat dimwitted creature catch the clever Daff-Rabbit. It doesn't seem possible through much of the story. That's the tension that keeps the reader moving ahewad.

2. I wanted to learn more about the world you have created. Some animals can talk and use telepathy. I think you can even flesh this out a bit more.

3. I wanted to know more about the narrator. I realize over the course of the story that she's some type of animal, is not the brightest, and lives on some world that she thinks was created by a higher power she called Master.

4. You write well so that I am not distracted by grammar, awkward sentences, etc. I pointed out some suggestions for tightening up your prose, but overall you're a good writer.

5. I enjoyed the humor of the story. The narrator has an oblivious self-deprecating charm which made me chuckle a few times.

I'm undecided on the letter format. I suppose it works fine and you use it as a vehicle to tease out the voice of the narrator.

There are some things you can do to make this even more compelling:

1. Be more precise and descriptive with your language. At times, you get a bit lazy and use bland words like "some" "thing" etc. In your next draft, flesh these out.

2. The story threw me off in places. The narrator seems to develop a deep bond with the rabbit at the beginning and is heartbroken when she finds out it's the Daff-Rabbit. I don't understand that connection as a reader. You need to show them deepening this bond a bit more. Just sharing a few berries is not enough to explain his sadness.

3. Raise the stakes. Tell us what happens if she comes back without the Daff-Rabbit. Does she not become an adult? Is she removed from the tribe? Can she take as much time as she wants?

4. Follow though on the signals. You throw a few false signals that don't materialize. For example, the berries. As a reader, we expect that the berries are poisonous because she has a stomach ache, the fish are dying, etc. Adding something like this in would actually amp up the tension in the story. She needs to get the Daff-Rabbit quickly or will have a serious stomach problem, etc. If you don't develop more, then remove from the story. The berries and hunger really don't factor into the conclusion one way or the other right now are just a distraction.

I hope this feedback helps. I'm curious to know if this just a stand-alone story or part of a book. Let me know.

Please also message me with any questions.

Best,

Jake

Sat, June 13th, 2020 3:19pm

Author
Reply

Ah, thank you for the review!

I’ll get to work fixing all the things you mentioned and keep the ‘precise language’ part in mind for future stories. I’m glad you liked it and I appreciate the feedback.

Yes, this is a stand alone story, but my plan is to have each chapter of the book be a different letter to their Master, like an anthology. This letter/chapter was about the adulthood ritual of a certain tribe, but the next might feature how these creatures are spawned from goo, or how they travel through space, or different subspecies of their people, if that makes sense. Each new chapter will show off more and more of these weird creatures and their society.

Sat, June 13th, 2020 2:14pm

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