Who Discovered America?

Reads: 177  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Who discovered America? It's not who you think it is. No, it's not them either.

Who Discovered America?


-My professor wanted us to protest Columbus Day today.

-And did you?

-Nah…didn’t seem right. Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. Who cares if he didn’t actually discover America? He was important.

-Absolutely. Columbus landed in the West Indies, but I agree, he shouldn’t be tossed in the trash bin of history. His voyage ushered in the era of New World exploration.


-Since you brought this up, I want to let you in on a little secret.  And you can’t tell anyone. Not yet, anyway.  Only my attorney and I and a local anthropologist know about it.

-I promise not to tell anyone.

-Okay, good. As you know, the Native Americans are the ones who have yelled the loudest when it comes to Columbus. That’s because they claim to be the true indigenous people of America…the rightful discoverers of America.

-I know, and the white man stole it from them…yup, I’ve heard all that.

-Well, we, my partners and I, have incontrovertible fossil evidence that before the Native Americans were here, there were other civilizations already flourishing in North America. Have you ever heard of the Asian cliff-dwellers?

-Asian cliff-dwellers? No.

-They were here thousands of years before any Native American tribes were.

-Wow…so the Asian cliff-dwellers are the true indigenous Americans?

-I’m not saying that.  The Asian cliff-dwellers were usurpers as well.

-This is getting good.

-The Asian cliff-dwellers stole America, if you will, from a group that had already been here for thousands of years before them.

-And who would they be?

-The Australopithecines. I’m talking cavemen and cavewomen, arriving in America via the land-bridge during the late Paleozoic era when the super continent, Pangea, was starting to break up.

-Pan what?

-Pangea.  A long time ago there was only one large land mass. It gradually split apart due to tectonic plate shifting over millions of years, forming the continents as they are arranged now. 

-You’ve really uncovered some amazing things. So there’s been a succession of occupiers starting with the Australopithecines.

-That’s right. And the media have just ignored it. I think they’re scared. They don’t want to get on the bad side of the Indian tribes.

-So why the big secret?

-Well, here’s the big story that’s coming: we have a descendant. We found an Australopithecine!

-No way!

-We have him hidden in a bungalow downtown. He really needs some work, though, before we put him in front of a congressional committee or the general public for that matter.

-I’d love to meet him.

-Not yet. He’s pretty rough, but believe me,  he’s going to be a gold mine. We plan to sue the Indian tribes for reparations first…get some of that casino money. Then we plan a major suit against the government.

-You’re sure he is a descendant?

-Oh yes; dumb as a rock…heavy brow-ridge…flattened nose…can’t speak well. Like I said, he needs a lot of work.

-This is incredible! I hope I get to meet him, when he’s ready.

-This Australopithecine has been disenfranchised in so many ways it’s not funny: property rights, burial grounds and much much more.

-A real caveman descendant! That’s nuts! Does he speak any English?

-A little, we’re teaching him. Language is the least of our problems. Right now we’re working on just getting him to quit spitting on people when he’s irritated. After that we’ll go full throttle on his English.



Submitted: June 14, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Mark A George. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Facebook Comments

Other Content by Mark A George

Short Story / Humor

Short Story / Humor