Pity party

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

I am crying my eyes out
For the past hour it's been the only thing I could do
I don't know how and why it started but I had a feeling my excitement was way too high

Thanks to Corona Virus my life came to a complete standstill
This was supposed to be my year of awakening
My fresh start at life as an adult beyond books
My redefinition and resurfacing

June 2020 has found me obese, unemployed, living at home, a movie and coffee junkie, a slob and most importantly single
Typical Kenyan tale of shattered dreams and lost hopes.
Just 5 days ago my life seemed to come alive.

I was accepted into a prominent school where I would take a certificate that would give structure to my lacklustre degree
A friend also sent me a manuscript to edit.
The moments leading up to this one were full of passion, energy and drive. What in psychiatric terms is referred to as hyper-focus

So I was supposed to submit my revisions by midnight and unfortunately the lights went out at 10 pm. My work was in my desktop¹ of a  laptop and it meant we had to wait till the *power and darkness*² company felt like fulfilling its dutiful mandate of supplying electricity...
I decided to stay up and wait for the lights to come back and chose to distract myself via Youtube

I had recently discovered Engage Talks, a Kenyan version of Tedx talks. 
I got sucked into a wormhole and I watched these talks for close to 4 hours till 4 am. I then decided to sleep seeing as dawn was nigh and I had to be fresh faced for the activities of the day.

Unbeknownst to me, my mind had been triggered. 

See I have always wanted to be that eloquent, bright, talented, admirable, respected, stunning, beautiful brainy chic.

From the academic backgrounds of the female speakers I had watched, to their perfect oratory skills and their brilliant yet simple deliveries, I garnered that I was no way near what they had or were.

I mean these are people who drive their own cars, studied their undergraduate and masters abroad, speak the queens English unwaveringly, have a strong command of the crowds, insert anecdotes at just perfect moments to elicit laughs from the audience and are in every sense beautiful and bright.

I have always thought of myself as the bright one,
The baby genius

My life has a few scattered accomplishments and that is it

I have only now come to understand that I suffer from ADHD. I am the type of people who have scattered attention and minimal intention to stick to one thing for the long haul. It is unfortunate that my environment can't or doesn't  know how to help my situation.

I grew up in shagz³ but in my mind I was a city girl.
Education was meant to be my deliverer. I was meant to acquire a scholarship and go to prominent schools in the concrete jungle.

However I was admitted to a high school that was deep in the throws of a forested hill. My university should have been a game reserve. And basically my dreams of being that posh bright city girl were dead. 

While I have never forgiven myself for failing I also don't blame myself that much for everything that had happened that is until now 

Because you know there had to be some greater enemy an unforeseen circumstance which demanded that we take the lesser path. 

I know 22 is a young age to feel discouraged because you say I have my whole life ahead of me
But I feel I should be in a greater position than this right now.

My perfomance in all major exams is an almost the best:

*KCPE:* 390 just 10 marks away from 400 
Undergraduate: 68 points just 2 away from 70 (first class)
At least I failed in *high school* with a fully weak B+

And I now know that whatever I do with the rest of my life will be up to me
But I feel helpless because deep down in my heart of hearts I am still that tiny child who wants to be held while crossing the street, who wants to have bed time stories read to her every night; who wants someone else to guide her into the messy jungle that is life.

I belong to the minority groups

I am an only child
I am obese
I have ADHD
I am a partial orphan
I had an epileptic mother
I am an introvert
I am a multipotentialite
I have pulsatile tinnitus
I suffer from feet odor

Combining this gives you one complicated individual. I never fit in social settings because my introversion combined with my less than friendly attention span does not allow me to.
And when I do make a connection, something has to stop me from being in constant contact. 
My feet for starters prevent me from visiting your house, my obesity prevents us from going on fun hikes or long walks, my "only childness" makes me self centred and unable to fully connect with you because I am stunted in creating bonds with my peers. My INFP makes me prone to see things from a different angle than you, my multipotentialite nature prevents me from pursuing a long term project with you and basically I suffer from esteem issues and won't allow you to get any closer when you say you love me because who would want to love me?

I have burnt one too many bridges with people who would have been instrumental in helping me grow
My ego is too inflated to allow me ask for help
Depression and anxiety have been my friends for the last decade

I have realized that I have been slowly preparing myself to live alone
Away from the crowds 
To learn to be a stand alone individual, all round miss independent , miss I don't need you at all

Why? You ask because no one has ever understiod me
No one ever wants to be my friend. Unless of course there are hidden advantages

I only have my dad and he is aging. He suffers from hypertension and it is known to be a killer condition

This is the dark part. It scares the hell out of me to think of a world without him

I am caught up in the web of lies and stories that I have created for myself all these years
I hate my life but I cannot kill myself because I still have to prove that I am better than the rest

Still all I have to show thus far is my potential and almost successes

When did the rain start beating us??

I don't have passion for what I studied

Knowing my condition(ADHD) I don't know what career has the power to keep me focused on it for the rest of my life

I feel like my crash and burn period is just around the corner (that is if it has not already begun)
I am afraid of getting into a relationship because unfortunately I am an excellent actress and have been able to pull off years of a perfect demeanor and people have bought it

I know how to dress up and look neat and tidy while my room remains messy
I know how to go to class early and submit assignments on time
I know how to answer questions and read with diction
But it is all a fac?de 

And nobody knows this truth.....



Kenyan slang

¹A machine that can't store charge on its own and requires a constant supply of electricity

² We get our electricity from a local company, the Kenya Power and Lightning Company which we sometimes refer to as a power and darkness company due to power outages

³ Shagz- rural area



Submitted: June 21, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Shay Ke. All rights reserved.

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