Reads: 18  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Three criminals gather to contemplate a plan to kidnap children but the pun at the end really changes them once they learn the importance of sleep hygiene.

Submitted: June 30, 2020

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 30, 2020



My name was Randy and I was a felon who served years in prison for bank-robbing, assault, and burglary. This morning, I stumbled upon a contrived placement of coins on the ground that led to the inside of the open door of a sketchy white van. Thinking this must be a deliberate plan to abduct kids, I was eager to see fellow criminals in this neighborhood to discuss our criminal lives. I just needed to find a job that’d make lucrative income and these kidnappers seemed to have a sensible idea for a business scheme. So, I kept inching towards what definitely was a trap. I looked inside the van’s interior but the tin windows obscured my scouting of the van. I decided to hop into the back of the vehicle when suddenly a white cloth wrapped around my mouth and tape clumped my wrists together.


“Kevin, what the hell are we planning to do with this fat bloke? We’re here to kidnap frivolous children, not this gullible son of a gun.”


”Whatever happened to the kids today? I haven’t seen any of them so far.”


“No idea, I’ve been trying to drop a new type of candies today. You gotta try new things out, you know, to see what works and not. They were on sale, too, and we’re also on a budget. Plus, it teaches the kids the importance of eating fruits”


“What kind did you drop this time? As long as it’s not expired, boiling hot chocolate under the sun, it should be okay.”


“No, nothing of that kind. I’ve learned my lesson, I scattered durian-flavored lollipops this time around. They’re pleasant if you get used to the taste.”


“Durian-flavored candies sound like a perfect way to make them vomit...”


Kevin peeked outside the van at the long queue to the bathrooms where kids with pale faces were lining up to take turns to use the toilets. The janitor promptly took care of small puddles of yellow ooze on the ground and durian lollipops that overfilled the nearby trash can. The police got a call to investigate the person or group that spread food poisoning by offering kids exotic candies.


While the two criminals were having a heated conversation, I wiggled and bit off the cheap threads of the white cloth. It disintegrated in an instant which freed my restrained mouth and let me speak openly. I took a peek at John and Kevin who were having a senseless argument about what methods to use to draw the attention of curios kids. The verbal brawl wasn’t going anywhere until I chimed in with my specialized knowledge of a dad with three kids, going on four next summer. The two brothers raised the same eyebrows, shooting at me with the same reproachful look when I lifted my lips.


“Have you ever thought about giving away video game gift cards? Using candies or coins is way out of style. Kids these days glue their eyes to the tablet screen, boys or girls, five to twelve. You have to be original and convincing about your strategy.”


“H-how did you remove the cloth?”


“This one disentangled as soon as I quivered. You must have bought it from the one-dollar store downtown. It’s cheap fabric that you want to avoid because the victim may holler for help when the cloth comes apart.”


“Kevin, I gave you plenty of money for accessories. How the hell did you spend it?”


“I paid a dollar for the cloth, and spent the rest of the money on the gas balloons. Kids like them. Best bang for the bucks.” 


The brothers and I shifted gazes at the balloons which hovered in mid air without touching the top of the van. My enhanced hearing fixated at the subtle sound of deflating balloons as the bunch of them dipped lower and decreased in size.


“Don’t tell me you got them for cheap, too.” mocked John


Kevin blushed and put on a mask of embarrassment.


“Two-dollars for a bunch of balloons at the flea market. And I squandered the rest of the money to buy some decadent ice cream to deceive the little kids.”


“Finally, smart thinking, Kevin.”


“They’ve been sitting securely in my backpack.” He murmured and retrieved from the compartment two dozen packs of completely melted ice cream. John expected Kevin to defend himself but he spit out the last cough of effort and threw both hands up in the air voluntarily when John motioned a gun to shoot him in the head. Kevin was speechless and his continuous failures flustered him. 


I ceased the tension by pretending to clear my throat but they both stared at my unwanted presence as if I was the scapegoat for their inherent shortcomings. Kicking me out through the back of the van where I came in, they told me not to come back at all and threatened to blackmail the pictures of my fat belly.


The next morning, I came back to check and recognized a trail of steam cards following a clear path to the van. I ignored them and scurried to the van. I jumped into the back of the van without their expectation. I could hear Kevin squealed in excitement. Then, my real identity curbed their elation.


“Hey John, we’ve gotten another fat, dumb kid coming in. Our efforts didn't go in vain after all—for Pete’s sake, it’s you again, Randy. I thought we’ve made it clear there will be repercussions if you come back.”


“I didn’t get to ask this yesterday. I just wanted to inquire if you guys could use an extra gang member. You two seem to be building a great structure but my years of experience could make it perfect. Plus, I have no jobs and I need one to pay for my kids’ YouTube channels. They’re going to be rich and famous eventually.”


I looked around and found John and Kevin had captured a few kids sleeping in the vans to Chinese monks reciting prayers. John looked puzzled from the unexpected job inquiry. He cracked his fingers and released a huge exhale of hesitation. He looked at my never ending jiggling boobs and belly which created doubt about my ability to handle a job. 


“Okay, we have an opening position for a janitor. The pay is good but you must be able to work in a basement and be good with kids.”


“How many kids are we talking about?”


“Thirty and up.”


“Damn, this must be an enormous and lucrative scheme. What do you do with them? Do you exploit them by making them work for free or sell them to make profits?” 


“You’ll see.”


The van arrived at a rather big house in the outskirts as I peered into the interior curiously. Everything looked nice and quiet; there didn’t seem to be signs of struggle or attempts to escape. The brothers must have locked up the hungry kids in the basement, ensnared their ankles with chains and shut them up with leather belts. But as I walked downstairs to expect any child cruelty, I noticed rows of bunk beds neatly placed around the room. The kids lied on beds resting while snoring the same songs in tandem. They seemed to behave at first glance. 


I turned to John and inquired in disbelief.


“W-what is this?”


“The kids are sleeping, don’t you see?” 


“How do you make money off this scheme?”


“We don’t actually, this is more of a non-profit underground organization. We raised them old enough and sent them to school where they learn the importance of education. Then we pay for their college in which they would return the favor by donating their income after they got a job.”


“This must be a fucking joke, right?” I exclaimed.


“Shh..just look at that kid napping, it’s so peaceful.”


© Copyright 2020 Nathan Ween. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: