Featured Review on this writing by Criss Sole
"I thought this was an excellent poem, and i loved the imagery you created using metaphors. I loved the line, "A pixelated blade met my throat."
A camera in such a personal and intimate situation was a weapon.
Loved this poem. "
S P A C E
There were a zillion reasons why I wanted to be seen as beautiful
There were a million reasons why I wanted to be seen
There were a thousand reasons that I couldn’t connect the stars to my thoughts
There was an infinite amount of beauty in the dark
I was just a kid, spinning, in the backyard with a ribbon
Hoping that the beauty of my spirit would catch me,
I was a ribbon twirling around myself in the universe
I was the milky-way searching for the earth
And I kept pointing myself out
Dragging myself across the sky
Tracing constellations
“Why can’t I be beautiful?”
I asked my Dad.
“You are.”
“I am?”
“Just like the stars.”
Looking up,
I dragged my eyes across the sky once again
But, I couldn’t see the constellations, to connect the dots.
The milky-way flowed through me though
And I followed it with my ribbon across the sky
And I wanted to follow it to the end
I wanted to be the gravity that pulled everyone in, so they’d look up
But these stars were drifting comets, and this G-force I felt was sideways
Pulling me towards an endless hunger for beauty
That couldn’t be found, until it was seen
I gazed upwards, as the milky-way pulled away from me
As if the sky and I were two colliding magnets, facing the south alone
Repelling each other as an invisible force pushed us further away from the unknown
So, I pulled my ribbon across my eyes
Make believing
I could see the beauty, if I stayed in the dark
So, at night, I played lady justice, blind folded, weighing my options
Carrying weights with the heaviness of a billion stars
Connecting ancient history, trying to find the answers to this missing space within me
And so I sat, blinded, sitting at my desk in high school, writing
Relying on my other senses
To navigate the darkness
Jet black eyeliner smeared across the lines of my pages
Pressing hard
I snapped my pencil into my notebook
Stone faced,
Walking through the halls
I was Rosetta
Translating eyeliner into hieroglyphics on my face
Hoping to be discovered
And I was betting if I just kept my eyes closed long enough I could feel the beauty forever…
But I didn’t think of the counter bets weighing on my neck
I was in high school, lost, at cosmic war with myself
And I thought I found allies,
So, I entered a space, where I thought I was with friends
But I was spinning in the cross-hairs
At the high school party of the year
Where the bang of repelling forces collided, snapping into existence for a split second
The last frontier.
He bet all of his friends that he could get me into bed that night, and that he’d have photographic
evidence to prove it.
“Well, what are you waiting for?”
“Annie up.”
“You mean her heels?”
“Yup.”
High fives all around, all hands were down as the chips hit the table
On cue, the cool kids gathered, and the 8 ball blitzed and rolled across the green, sinking in the left pocket
“Keys, left pocket, got it”
Drinks filled with ice and whiskey, poured so nicely
Beer poured into an ICEE
This night was going to be so feisty
1,2,3,4… out the door
Pixelated stars twinkling messages back and forth, my phone lit up with that comforting glow, and my head was filled with the stars awaiting my departure
The bass bumped and rocked the ground beneath me as I walked off beat to the front door
Wandering around, I took a seat on my friend’s couch, legs crossed tightly, going unannounced
And as my friend poured me another drink
That crush I had smiled at me
Signals went up, and the mood shifted
I laughed, does he really like me?
Chiseled chins moved on command behind him
Corralling me with his compliments and flirtations to the nearest bedroom, no contraband
This guy couldn’t make up his mind… tons of times before he made it clear he didn’t know who he was looking for
I stood in his shadow,
And asked and asked again
“Do you really like me?”
He had finally gotten me alone, door kicked shut behind me
“Yes, yes, I like you, now take it off, god you’re so sexy”
His hands moved up my thighs, space was limited
I was in his sights,
And I was compromised
But all that was tinkering in my mind was a slew of thoughts that relished being liked
The mission was truly accomplished when Seal Team 6 arrived
The bedroom door flung open,
Screeching breath
Time moved quickly, I fell behind
I reached for my bra, which should have been my holster,
Unhooked the clasps, and as my weapon fell from my hands,
A pixelated blade met my throat
“You should have kept your legs closed”
He said, smugly, as his face flickered in the blade just before the flash
His camera phone
Captured the shame that wasn’t shameless, and time turned back to 1969
While he stepped on my moon
And tried to dominate my earth
As he felt above it all
And his friends kicked up space dust as they stomped into the room
And the floor cascaded into a digital landscape orchestrated to the beat
My heart, pounding, extreme heat
I was captured, and the space all around me sunk in
They stole the beauty, that wasn’t beautiful
And like all beauty disconnected from its life force, it dies
But my heart was still beating, plucked from my body
Each pump released pixelated shrapnel, hit Facebook walls, and feeds, the clicking of cursors echoed like dominoes
And each constriction of my heart, pulled reality back together and then blew it apart
Reaching for my shirt, I slipped off the bed, as pixelated blood rushed from my neck
I was a ribbon hanging off the bed, and then a thread
And I was spinning
Watching the starry night sky strangle me.
I opened my eyes, and I awoke in my own bed, as the night crushed me, buried in millions of pixels, and zillions of reasons to find the beauty again
And thousands of thoughts, trying to connect the dots in my mind
Sifting through thousands of pixels, shaking as these blades cut me
I had to fix this, so I paid a visit to my digital crime scene
That morning, I had forgotten a few things, and all I could remember was reaching for my belt under the bed, hoping with all my heart that I’d pull out a noose
The digital realm was untouchable, my body became the centerpiece of thousands of shares, the Dow was up and I was down, and I was Jonesing for an uptick
With each breath I felt the digital nightmare, square after square of pixel poured down on me
As I tried to catch them and rearrange them into a picture where I hoped they would like me
I fell to pixels on the floor, shattered
And in an instant,
Every woman I knew was a target
Each night I felt plastic army men spread thin upon my thighs
We were the target, and they were the eyes
And I felt the game pieces played upon my skin, these countries laid upon my chest, heavy and caving in
I was a body surrounded by water, and I couldn’t swim
They had air, land, and water, and the fire of internet wires
Hacked images of our sexual waters flooded the internet and attempted to shame us
Just for a chance to stake their claim on us
This space was limited and they couldn’t contain us
And it was only when I had been cut by the blade of my own boundary, that this digital space revealed the true image of what women meant to the human race
Closed legs meant you were safe, with one leg a linchpin in the grenade,
Open legs meant you were fair game, and those pixel blades flickered back and forth with our reflections
And I was spinning
And in my own reflection I held a weapon,
My synapses snapped, as I pulled in the night sky
And I realized that my mind was twisted like a fist, because I knew I was gifted, and as an astronaut without a lift, I gave up space.
So in these times of shame and great disgrace.
I spread my legs.
While the men around me grew up moving army men
Drawing boundaries
Demanding space, legs sprawled out, comfortable, confident and grounded.
I spread my legs, and bumped the man next to me causing him to understand where his boundary ended and mine began
And these digital spaces they used as a threat were no match for the women who seized the space between their legs
We drew lines in the stars to form constellations to announce to the universe that our boundaries are endless
And we pulled our ribbon across the sky and drew it around the earth
As we discovered our center
And all of human kind witnessed the army men crashing from our shoulders
As we grew lighter, we took that first step
Where we saw for the first time, the beauty above us, and the beauty was us
And we moved our feet and legs into it
And that power that we defined when we stepped on the man’s shoe we called man-kind,
We spread our legs, and reclaimed S P A C E
And we were spinning.
This poem is based on a personal experience of mine when I was 17 years old - the cover photo was from the night it happened in 2008. I have taken some artistic license with this poem to relate
the massive impact this manipulation and abuse of trust caused my psyche. I was manipulated by this guy and his friends while I was under the influence, a photo was taken of me without my
consent, and I don't know what happened to it or how many times it was passed around. In my mind as a teenage girl, it was everywhere. I developed post-traumatic stress disorder with
symptoms of derealization and depersonalization that lasted for a full year after it happened. Derealization is a state of unreality where it feels like you are viewing the world through a fish
eye lens. Objects around you will seem bigger than they are and it will feel like a hallucination - much like what happens with Alice in Wonderland syndrome. Depersonalization is the feeling
of being cut off from your own body.- you will know that you are yourself technically, but you will feel like your body is this foreign thing that is not a part of you. It's an extremely
terrifying experience to have. I thought I was going crazy and that I was going to be diagnosed with schizophrenia and sent to a mental hospital, so I hid these feelings for a very long time and
I had to live with them. I didn't know at the time that these symptoms were due to extreme panic - adrenaline rushing around in my body because I was in an almost
constant state of fight or flight.
I wrote this poem in my own healing process and because I want women to know that they are not alone and to know they are beautiful inside and out and that no one can ever take that
from them. I want women to know the immense power they have in this life through their voice and their presence. Don't be afraid to take up space, it is your right as a human being to
feel safe, be heard, and attain justice. If you have been assaulted or manipulated by people you trusted, it was not your fault. It was never your fault. Ever. There are people out
there that will believe you and support you. Please talk to someone you trust and set up an appointment with a therapist. They can help you process what happened and you will start to feel better
and more empowered. If you want to press charges in the future for an assault - they can help you with that too, but they will not push you to do it. Please don't give up, you are
loved, and you will get through this.
www.loveisrespect.org
Submitted: September 11, 2020
© Copyright 2021 Roxanne Byrne. All rights reserved.
Comments
Although I'm not the poetry guy,I liked this....
Sun, September 20th, 2020 7:16amVery moving, Roxanne. It flowed well from start to finish. Well done, and it's an excellent message for women everywhere.
Sat, January 23rd, 2021 2:28pm
Author
Reply
Hi Mark, thank you so much! It really means a lot to me to hear your kind words :) It's really hard out there for women and teenage girls and I hope any that might read this poem will be reminded that they are strong and resilient.
Thank you so much again for your feedback, I really appreciate it!
Beautiful
Sat, February 6th, 2021 5:24pmA wonderful poem born from a terrible experience. Women reclaim their power and dignity while shame is rightly placed upon the monsters.
Sat, February 6th, 2021 8:34pmI can only describe so much that hasn't been sad, except wow. This. Poem. Is. Incredible. An experience of traumatic manipulation, teenage fun, sex, and emotion through a poem? Done amazingly. The simile of space used during the sexual moments is done perfectly, capturing the feelings and moment in a way that you don't admit at the moment until now as a memory, which is very keen and smart. Going into this, I had no clue that this would be about a memory and the effects it would have on you and how it would change you to make this poem. I do want to say that I feel for you and I hope you feel much better since then. But overall, gorgeous poem, and incredible way of reflecting your feeling and memories into this poem. - E.E
Tue, March 2nd, 2021 5:45pmFacebook Comments
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Criss Sole
I thought this was an excellent poem, and i loved the imagery you created using metaphors. I loved the line, "A pixelated blade met my throat."
Wed, September 16th, 2020 6:18amA camera in such a personal and intimate situation was a weapon.
Loved this poem.
Author
Reply
Thank you so much! That makes me so happy to hear that you loved it and took the time to read it. Yes, the camera was an absolute weapon. It's used so often on women to try to victimize them for the rest of their lives. It's a horrible form of psychological terror.
Wed, September 16th, 2020 12:24amI wasn't sure if I should add a summary for the poem or not to provide some context - this is based on a true story that happened to me about 12 years ago. I am 29 years old now.
My hope is that I can help someone that has been through something similar with this poem. I didn't have perspective back then and I really wish I had.
Thank you again for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it!