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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

How could I take everything that felt so beautiful in my life and tear you and myself down. This hurts so much.


The pain that followed after our separation seems like a never ending Farris wheel of emotions. 

Each day feels like I’m stepping into another eternity of feeling this sorrow in my heart. It hurts the most when I realize deep down I care for you truly more than any other living being in this world. The exchange of words the other day only made me upset with myself when I replay the vivid moments of each letter typed because I disrespected the most important piece of my world that I wanted so desperately to spend each lifetime to come in the physical and spiritual. At work walking off into a corner as the tears began dripping off my chin. Constantly worrying if you’re safe during this time of not being able to communicate. The starting of a message only brings me to my knees as I haven’t a clue as to where to start because my hands tremble at the the thought that these hands and mind were used in the hurt I caused. The feelings I’ve harbored in because in the moments where you sought out to talk about deep underlying expressions seemed to go over my head when initially all I wanted was to make you happy by getting past those subjects. When in reality I should’ve just elaborated more on a perspective that wasn’t from a place of hate, but rather a ground where the sole base of the matter was to let us know that we were going to get through each trial and challenge together. At night I lay awake with the thousands of thoughts of the things I want to fully explain by there being a sense of compassion behind each expression. 

I dismissed a person that saw right through me and appreciated what I went so long wishing people would even take into consideration. You held my heart tight in your arms close to your warm nurturing spirit even in your times of grief. I overlooked a being that put my feelings before a lot of others, one who I observed pull herself through some of the toughest times that would’ve made so many give up in the beginning. One that would go the extra mile to seek higher ground when negatives from the outside world were trying to flood a happy home. One that spiritually spoke to me from the beginning up to now even still. The moments where I feel a soul cry even when miles apart only brings me to stop everything I’m doing in the moment to hope I get the chance to apologize for the damage I’ve done to one who is deserving of everything good in the world. You’ve been through way too much for anyone to ever look down on any part of your personality. Friends and family sensing that there is something heavy on my heart, but the only thing I can do in those moments is quickly try to dismiss them before the river of tears pours down from the cloud of hurt I’ve caused us both. Wishing it would rain throughout the day to better hide my tear drops. Telling myself I’m okay just to be able to carry on for just another hour before another dam wall breaks releasing the emotions I want so desperately to express to you. 

The 3 hour naps that I was able to get were only filled with messages in the dreams of you. I didn’t want to leave your side, yet my actions in reality showed otherwise. It’s getting harder to type this as the hours go by because of the simple fact that I tried to change you instead of remaining in my original perspective where I always wanted the same you. You’re perfect just the way you are and you’re worthy of all the royalties in this world. I broke a promise to you and myself that I won’t break your heart. I wanted to be more than your boyfriend, I wanted to be a good loving husband, father, teacher, student and business partner. Last night I danced with tears in my eyes thinking of you. I hurt the most important part of my life. I just want the chance to make it right, I want the smile to never disappear when I’m next to you. I took everything for granted and I’m so sorry... I don’t know what to do... it’s getting hard to type... I just want this all to be alright. I have always loved you. Just to reach out and let me know you’re okay. This hurts so much the tears won’t stop. I did this. 

Submitted: September 12, 2020

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