THE ENLIGHTENMENT [Review Chain contest entry]

Reads: 256  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Review Chain

A poem based on my true experience when I saw a pigeon fledgling in trouble.

This poem is an entry for Archia's contest in Review Chain under the prompt "That spark on the yellow wall". The spark that I consider here is the fledgling because he portrayed a strong will to live when the magpie tried to attack him and saving him also enlightened my soul to things I was so oblivious of in life.

Crossing by the open terrace

that was a storey high, 

My mum who considered your clan a menace

found you abandoned and about to die.

 

You must have fallen from a dozen of storeys

yet managed to survive, you little feather ball.

But you caught the eye of one of your preys

- A wicked magpie trying to bring your downfall.

 

With your gentle feet, and little wings

you stumbled on the hard floor,

trying to evade what your fate brings,

your eyes searching for a saviour.

 

My parents panicked screams chased the villain away,

But he awaited us to leave, perching opposite to you.

When mum and dad thought pitying was the only way,

I jumped over the yellow wall towards you.

 

Scooped you in my hands and glared above,

only to find bob heads mocking at me.

They were your clan but watched without love,

And from their heartless stares, I decided to flee.

 

You made me realise that a child is a responsibility

that parents need to provide time and love for.

Abandonment should not be a possibility

If not, they shouldn’t have planned to have before.

 

Your heart beating faster on my palm,

I could tell you were scared.

But the heat from my hand’s embrace made you calm

that you instantly fell asleep, with your life spared.

 

I ain’t a mother but you made me feel like one

As an unconscious smile escaped from my lips;

when I watched you sleep after the rescue was done

despite mum’s wordy whips.

 

What is the use of living if you choose

to watch something suffer

when you can lend a hand, over pity as an excuse?

Alas, life’s purpose is to reduce someone's burden when it's tougher!

 

Don’t you understand momma?

And that was the end of the argument,

A full-stop to all your trauma,

And the beginning of my enlightenment.


Submitted: September 16, 2020

© Copyright 2021 shika. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

C. S. Spence

inspiring and great poem. Good flow.

Sun, September 20th, 2020 6:39pm

Author
Reply

Thank you Spence for taking the time to read and comment :)

Mon, September 21st, 2020 6:11am

KatV

The Enlightenment

What a lovely, emotional, enlightening piece! You told a serious short story in this amazing emotional poem. Nicely done.

The third stanza is one of my favorites:: "With your gentle feet and little wings you stumbled on the hard floor, trying to evade what your fate brings, our eyes searching for a saviour." This is very descriptive. I could picture this cute little baby bird in a panic on the floor; scared for his life.

Rhyme is tough to do without sounding forced, and you rhymed every other line in 10 stanzas. Very impressive. There were only a couple of lines where the rhyme felt forced, and I had to read them through a couple of times to catch the flow. In your sixth stanza, I understand what you are saying, and the idea fits perfectly within your poem/story. But the rhyme of the 2nd and 4th line seems, to me, to be forced, fogging the clarity of the stanza. One rewording suggestion might be ...parents need to devote time and love". I don't know. Just a humble suggestion...take what you like and leave the rest. Write on!!

Fri, September 25th, 2020 12:59am

Author
Reply

Thank you Kav for your wonferful and insightful review. Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I do agree with the force rhyme in the 6th Stanza and replaced 'devote' with 'provide' to make it sound more natural. And trust me, the 3rd stanza way how the little fledgling really was. He was so scared to death and fell on the ground. That was the moment when I decided, "Ah, this can't go on, I need to do something about this."

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your suggestions and review. It really made my day.

Sat, September 26th, 2020 12:12pm

XCulletto

Lovely poem. I love that real life inspired you to write it, and how you make a normal, everyday event a metaphor for how to live life. I'm glad the bird was okay. :)

Mon, September 28th, 2020 9:50pm

Author
Reply

Thank you XCulletto for your review. I am glad that you liked it. Your comment really made my day : )

Tue, September 29th, 2020 8:20am

Evan Drake

It's been a while since I reviewed a poem, but I'll try my best here. I like it. It definitely brings to mind a lot things I won't get into because it's a whole big philosophy thing and no one wants to read all of that. I liked how you covered such an interesting topic from the perspective of a younger character. It add more layers and makes me think of how people change as they grow older.

Nice work and good luck with the contest!

Thu, October 1st, 2020 8:33pm

Author
Reply

Thank you Evan for your wonderful comment. I would have loved to hear the philosophy part from you and I am sure there are others who share the same interests too. And you are right, people do tend to change as they grow up. It is really an irony if we think about it. A child would want to help someone or something but wouldn't be in a position to help whereas an adult would be in a position to help but still wavers to help someone or something.

Thank you for your encouraging words and best wishes!

Fri, October 2nd, 2020 1:48am

Greythereadaholic

I like the unique spin you took on the prompt and how you address the desire children have to see good in the world versus the apathy of adults. It was very interesting to read.

Fri, October 2nd, 2020 11:53pm

Author
Reply

Thank you very much Greythereadaholic! I am glad you liked it :) True, children have pure souls and when they become adults, they somehow get lost in the crowd.

Sat, October 3rd, 2020 1:36am

Archia

I really enjoyed the message in your poem, we all try to help when we can. I liked seeing the story from seeing the poor bird in trouble to helping it in the end. Rhyme can be a very tricky thing and there were some really nice lines, however some didn't quite complete the rhyme. For example, 'storeys' and 'preys' may look like they rhyme, but their sounding is different. One thing I've found helps is to read it out loud, and seeing how it flows then.
Regardless, your poem was really good and it had a lovely message that is important for us all to be mindful of.

Thu, October 8th, 2020 9:07am

Author
Reply

Thank you Archia and I do agree with the rhymes. Thank you for pointing them out and reading aloud would really help me decide if they'd be suitable or not. I'll definitely keep this in mind when I write more :) This is definitely a useful tip.

Fri, October 9th, 2020 4:49am

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