If the Sandwich Fits

Reads: 225  | Likes: 3  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 4

Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

If the sandwich fits, eat it. That was and always had been Merv’s motto. Even if the sandwich was a little exotic.

If the sandwich fits, eat it. That was and always had been Merv’s motto. Even if the sandwich was a little exotic. He wasn’t such a prude that he had to have his cheese and ham everyday, but religiously speaking; it was sacrilege to put pickles and maple-smoked barbecue sauce on the same piece of bread. Whoever’s twisted mind came up with that needed to go put their tiny head into a book and have it snapped tightly.

Yet, if the sandwich fits, eat it, and this sandwich would certainly fit in his mouth. The pieces of rye wouldn’t be big enough to match a child and Merv’s stomach was beginning to think about what he could get on the way home. There was a dairy around the corner, and they did sell a good cheese and onion pastie. It was smack enough to make any man dizzy with delight.

Thinking about his post-lunch, pre-tea snack, he bit into his sandwich eagerly. The quicker he finished it, the quicker he got his pastie.

The sandwich was, for all it’s exotic, maple, rye touches, exactly what it sounded like. A complete mess. He had half a mind to report whatever monster did this, but, being a sensible gentleman, he placed the sandwich gently back on the plate.

Why he had ordered it he didn’t want to think about, and this wouldn’t be a story he’d be relaying to his children over a whiskey one day.

Staring down at the deplorable mess, he tried to plan his next steps. He had never left a sandwich on a plate in his life, and he didn’t want to start falling into that trap now. If he left this sandwich here he’d start to grow complacent, and who knows what he’d been leaving on his plate next; a whole pie!

The thought shook him to the core. He’d just have to eat it. Holding the lumpy thing in his hands, he took a deep breath. Seven bites, that’d be it. No chewing, just swallowing.

If the sandwich fits, eat it.

As each rancid taste swept again through his mouth he repeated the mantra. His suffering now would be worth it. There was a pastie waiting for him. He just had to swallow.

With every effort of his being resisting, he plunged the last bits of mush down his throat and into his gut. The deed was done, the sandwich had fit and he had eaten it.

Not wanting to linger on his pain, he hopped up and made his way over to the counter to pay.

“Did you enjoy your sandwich?

Merv shrugged.

“You know,” the guy was saying. “When we were out of ham I didn’t expect you to want to replace it with pickles. We should name it after you.”

Merv grimaced, the words feeling as if someone had just snapped a book over his head.

If the sandwich fits, eat it.

He didn’t have any saying about bad pasties though.



Submitted: October 05, 2020

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Add Your Comments:



Just quirky enough to be entertaining. Don't know that I would have added the BBQ sauce but pickles on rye with a touch of mustard...

Wed, October 7th, 2020 2:27pm


I was going for quirky so I'm glad you thought so. Thanks for reading!

Mon, October 12th, 2020 5:10pm

A. Rhetters


Okay, so I was laughing all throughout this, so good job on that. Nice little detail at the end there - Merv’s most hated sandwich likely becomes his “claim to fame” as the saying goes.

It does feel like the same thing was repeated twice back to back at the top of the page, so a bit of redundancy there. I understand that it is part of the story, however, but I did find it a little jarring. I had to re-read it twice to make sure it said what I thought it said.

Overall, I will say that I will forever remember “If the sandwich fits, eat it.” ????

Great job!
A. Rhetters

Fri, October 23rd, 2020 2:40am


Thanks for reading, I'm glad it gave you a laugh. I'll have a look back at it and see about the repetitiveness.

Fri, October 23rd, 2020 4:44am


Well, that was rather interesting. Short, but entertaining.
I just hope that poor Merv can get a decent sandwich soon.


Wed, November 11th, 2020 6:49pm


Thanks so much for reading. Sometimes I think the only way to get a decent sandwich is to make it yourself.

Wed, November 11th, 2020 4:50pm


This is cute. A man's relationship with food--what a funny idea for a story! What makes it work, if course, is the prose. Very well written!

Tue, January 5th, 2021 1:18am


Thank you so much. I wrote this based from a prompt of a few words, and one of them was sandwich, so if the sandwich fits, it turns up in a story.

Mon, January 4th, 2021 11:14pm

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