Why Are You Trying to Push Me Away

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

recent feelings in a recent situation.

Why are you trying to push me away?

Why is it, that at every turn we take you question how I feel and how I act and connect it with "I don't care about you anymore."

How do you sit there and ignore my texts like i don't mean anything, but then tell me that i act like I don't give a shit.

Why do you get to pull attitude, but as soon as I get upset and fight back its wrong. And then I feel bad.

I want so badly for this to work.

I finally find something and someone that I care about enough to try with, and I'm being played with like a yoyo.

Why do you get to be jealous but I don't?

Why do you get to hang out with friends without me, but when I do it you get defensive? 

Why am I always at fault? 

And why do I accept that like its true?

Every time we argue I'm the one apologizing. The fight will start bc of something you are feeling but its me in the wrong.

I upset you.

I stressed you out.

I withheld something.

I'm not trying.

I try.

I try every fucking day to be a better me for myself bc of you.

I try to work on myself and improve on my fears bc of you.

I try so fuckin hard.

But I'm never trying right. 

Its never enough. 

Its always to hard.

Too stressful. 

You work all day and stress all day and then come home to having to deal with me and stress out about me.

And then you say maybe its not worth it.

Maybe I'm not worth it.

You say it shouldn't be this hard.

But its hard on me.

You're hard on me.

You expect the best and when I say I'm never doing enough you turn around and say i don't need to be perfect. 

You say nothing i say or do could change how you look and feel about me.

But every raised voice is a mark against me.

Every difficult day is pointed at me.

But my every day is difficult bc of you.

Sometimes in the best way imaginable. 

Sometimes not.

I wake up everyday now knowing that someone cares enough to see through my bullshit.

That's all I've ever wanted.

All I ever hoped for.

I wanted someone to see me enough to know i wasn't ok.

To know that I could change for the better.

That I didn't have to be closed off and to myself.

Now here you are.

But with it comes the testing.

You want me to open up and then purposely ignore me for possible days.

And then state that you miss me…?

And ask if i miss you?

The answer will always be yes.

The answer could never be no.

But then you say you miss me all day.

and my brain scrambles bc how could you blatantly ignore someone you miss?

How could you sit there knowing they are sitting there anxiously waiting for you to respond?

How can your heart beat knowing you miss someone but choose to ignore them?

The signals are off.

Your feelings contradict on an atomic level.

To someone that has avoided people and feelings for 22 years, this is painful beyond words.

You say one thing but do another. 

We talk stuff out, but never fully and to a clear conclusion. 

You pull away from me in front of people.

Its always specific people too.

You say later its to give me space.

To make it so I'm not uncomfortable. 

But we know that's bullshit.

That you, again, giving me an out. Pushing me away.

Again.

How am i supposed to miss that every day? 

How am i supposed to want to try with us when I don't know how you feel or want?

You want me to try?

Then you have to try too!

I admit you are better at this then me in some ways.

But you have hang ups, I have hang ups.

But it seems yours are getting in the way of us more than mine are.

You told me once that I was playing you, when you said I lied to you about the whole "hot vs. Attractive " topic.

But you are playing me!

You say i have all these things that aren't normal and are stressing you out and how this relationship,  or whatever the fuck we are, shouldn't be so hard….

And you are right!

I shouldn't have to worry about if today is the day i get totally ignored for your own experimental laugh.

I shouldn't have to worry that if I have an off day, that you are going to take it as "I don't care about you anymore."

I shouldn't have to stress about whether today is the day I get walked out on in an argument that shouldn't involve anything but calm talking and trying to understand each other. 

I shouldn't. 

But I do.

And I will.

Bc I care too fucking much.

Bc I'm hooked in the best way possible.

Bc I like who I am when you push and inspire me to be more.

Bc you make me feel like I can be.

Bc I like you.

A Lot.

But I don't know what that means to you.

So I sit here now, and write this so that i can fall asleep without tears in my eyes.

So I can purge all the shit that I can never seem to say out loud.

So I can give my brain a break.

So that I can possibly,  maybe, but probably not,  show you this and you understand.

Understand that if something with us went south,  it wasn't me who would want that.

It wasn't me who had to give up.

It wont be me who leaves.

Bc I can't. 

And only the future knows if you will.

But I really hope you wont.


 


Submitted: October 16, 2020

© Copyright 2020 cagedgirl. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Jobe Rubens

Christ, girl . . . I hear you! There's some strong pathos going on here. That's what writing is all about. And it can be a very painful catharsis. Love brings people together for all sorts of reasons. Some are temporary. Relationships, if they put honesty first, can really bloom into something quite mysterious - they have a timeless quality. Either you'll both yield to love or you'll quit. And you'll know the day it happens. You'll just do what's expected - for the sake of closure.

Fri, October 16th, 2020 5:09pm

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