the monsters inside

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic


I am sharing with you a piece that I wrote after closely watching people that suffer with DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, PTSD and other anguishing mental disorders. I have seen people ( soldiers, veterans) coming back  from war zones, to only continue to live in a perpetual battle within themselves.

This is my youngest son's real story inside a poetic story. 

10/10/2020 MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS DAY.  Please reach out. you're not ALONE!!!

THE MONSTERS INSIDEA boy's story By Mayra Melgar 

The child gets off the school bus, holding a single flower inside a vase.
He runs towards the front door with a big smile on his face.
This is for you! Happy Birthday! I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, the world.
I promise, one day I’ll take you faraway places; When I grow up and you’re not too old.

The pre-teen comes inside the house with a subtle smile and a new friend.
How was your day? Are you guys hungry? Here is your package that was sent.
I hear some laughter and half of the food is gone. Homework is done! They announce.
Good night and thanks for dinner, the new friend says: It’s time for me to bounce. 

The teen comes back from school. How was your day? “fine” he answers, as he closes his room’s door.
Dinner is ready! Come and join us!  I am not feeling well, the teen responds. Do you mind if I eat alone?
Lately this has become a pattern. He will grow out it, says an “expert” It’s age, stage, a phase. That’s all?
I’ve heard that anything that’s not talked about and stays in the dark, eats away part of our soul.

The teen is not getting better. Talks about the future, friends, laughter, a healthy appetite? No more.
Motivational quotes with unrealistic views and expectations are disregarded, rejected and dropped.
Caring school counselor, teachers and coaches are in the loop. They accommodate, ask and have a talk. Recommendations are followed to the best of their ability. The teen still feels isolated, confused. Alone!

Are you tired? NO. Exhausted! Are you sad? NO. Destroyed! But why? ungrateful child says one.
You have EVERYTHING you need: food, shelter, transportation and games. What else could you want?
I will try once more to explain the teen says. I could pretend, fake smile and say that I’m okay.
I am daily tormented in my head, anxious, falling apart, crying inside, the future looks in disarray. 

How am I feeling today? My heart and mind are racing. I have a knot in my stomach and in my throat.
I haven’t slept for days. I’m living inside a nightmare where every monster has been provoked.
My thoughts are all scattered. My emotions are in a roller coaster and feels like a heart attack.
These monsters just like my life, don’t strike a deal, don’t negotiate. They just brutally attack.
 
I feel blamed, judged, fearful, worried and exhausted of holding on, when all I want… is to give up.
I could hide and mask my uncontrollable tremors, lethargy, anxiety and not dare to open up.
Some might think I am being overly dramatic; Monsters are not real, and I just need to grow up.
Some monsters don’t hide in closets or under beds. They rage and scream inside my head. Nonstop!

If I shared with you about the monsters that live in my head and that I am in pain; Would you care?
If I tell you these monsters have taken away my hope, dreams, peace, joy and leave me grasping for air?
Will you believe if I say to you that I am being held against my will, and they’ve locked away the real me?
These monsters used to whisper but now they loudly scream: “You know the permanent solution” Flee!

I shared, got help, some believed me, some did care. I also learned some valuable lessons on the way.
Most parents care beyond our beliefs and far more than what we give them credit for. They also pray.
I also learned that not everyone that say they will be there for you, will take the time to be and that’s ok. 
I learned the difference between bitterness and healthy boundaries. If someone’s going to hold the worst moments of my life against me; I am moving on… I can’t stay.

I’ve now heard the vile lies told by depression, PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness.
The soul crashing lies whisper: You are not important, a loser, unworthy. There’s no forgiveness.
Then it escalates and shouts: You’re a burden, your family will be better off without you. Cease!
No one will believe, care or love you anymore. This is our secret. You can’t escape this disease.
 
Some people know “for sure” that anxiety, depression and mental illness come with the sin in us.
Some say it’s lack of faith, courage, will power; If things happen to us, they happen because of us.
Some suggest to: fight it, hide it, pray it away; If we pretend it’s not here, it will eventually go away.
We’re going to say a prayer, snap our fingers, cast out the demons; Now just close your eyes and wait!

I must confess that I do have faith, I am a spiritual being and know there’s a force greater than myself.
I also know that I need others, treatment, a therapist, a support group and even meds for my health.
Mental illness is often stigmatized, stereotyped, and misunderstood with frequency.
Social, cultural, ethnic backgrounds, religious and personal beliefs might create a culture of secrecy.

How are you feeling today? The therapist asks to the group. This shy and quiet kid raises her hand.
Every time I am questioned, she says: I feel like crawling up in a fatal position inside my head!
The most pain is suffered in silence, adds another. My world’s spinning and I am crumbling inside!
I feel like being sucked into a big black hole. I need someone to reach out and hold my hand.

It is my turn to share. It’s my last day in this group. Graduation day? From hell and back and more? 
There was a time when my house didn’t feel like home. My body and my mind were not safe anymore.
There were monsters screaming inside my head. Like scams through the phone. My identity was gone.
I was painfully and slowly fading away from this earthly realm. Greatly suffering from sunrise to dawn.

Everywhere I went this dark cloud will follow. I felt invisible, unwanted and couldn’t see my own shadow
Well intentioned people reminded me: There are mountains to climb, lives to touch and a cupid’s arrow.
Hills and valleys of life are inescapable and that an injured soldier is better, than no soldier at all.
Family said they loved me. “Our imperfect love has always been covered by a higher perfect love”

Just in case you’re wondering, the monsters are not totally gone. Sometimes they want to bite. 
Armed with oxygenated confidence. I tell myself they have no power over me, and I win the fight.
I am in the road to recovery, moving forward, keeping life tools close and not forgetting what is real. 
Life does get better, some people care; Hold on while reaching out. I’m here for you. Do we have a deal?

The young adult gets off the car, holding a bouquet of flowers and a beautiful vase.
He walks towards the front door, knocks at the door and with a big smile on his face,
This is for you! Happy birthday! I wish I could give you the sun, the moon, the world.
I have tickets for the movies and your favorite restaurant; I’ll hold your hand for a short stroll.

My precious boy, you have forgotten, that once, you did take the sun and the moon’s light.
When you were inside the black hole, holding on for dear life. Son there was a dimming light,
This place was dark and the light at the end of the never-ending tunnel was nowhere in sight.
I waited on the other side; You brought back with you the sun, the moon, the world held in your hands.


Submitted: October 16, 2020

© Copyright 2020 m. melgar. All rights reserved.

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LE. Berry

Heartfelt piece of short story poetry...well written m.

Fri, October 16th, 2020 7:55pm

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