Quandary in the Stars

Reads: 47  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 2

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Jakesha, Travis, and Violet weren't looking to get hurled head-first into the middle of a rising interplanetary war, but it must have been written in their stars.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Through crumpled, dirty blinds, a stream of orange street-light falls on the rustling bag of ‘groceries’ that Jak... Read Chapter

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Recent Comments

A. K.Taylor

Hi Merit,

I've taken the time to read your Quandary in the Stars first chapter. As I understand it, Violet is the addict younger sister to Jakesha--our protagonist. You don't specify ages, so I'm guessing late teens early twenties for the two older sisters. There's another child in the mix, but not sure if it belongs to the mother or one of the daughters. You didn't clarify that fact. The Mom either doesn't care or is just as bad off as the addiction ridden daughter in some aspect, since she seems to show no emotion.

Alcoholic, maybe? Or just slightly deadbeat? I can't say for sure not enough information there to make a true assessment. These are just guesses.

I get the scene you're setting but it doesn't have the impact that a first chapter really should have in my opinion. The tone feels depressing which is probably the right direction to pull your characters in but it doesn't compel me to read it much further I'm afraid.

I've noted some things you could change or add. You'll see it as those blue highlighted spots in your text don't delete them just yet. Read what is mentioned in those notes. I don't know how long you've been on the site but those are Inline comments. They help point out stuff in the story for further examination. If you see something strange, off or odd in another author's work do the same to them it'll help us all. This is constructive feedback.

I hope this helps with your writing and message me if you want more info. I'm on nearly every afternoon, and weekend.

Final Note: Your spacing doesn't have to be quite that far apart for your paragraphs/sentences unless that was just the site re-ordering your format. It does happen from time to time.

Fri, October 23rd, 2020 11:48pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for the feedback! It's great to hear a reader's perspective. I'm super new to Booksie and hadn't yet used the inline commenting feature-- I went back to your story and added specific inline comments.

Sat, October 24th, 2020 9:08am

Susan Donovan

Why is there so much space between the lines?

I think your style and voice has a lot of potential.

I want to know more about the SF side of this story. I like the world.

Sun, October 25th, 2020 7:56pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for the feedback!! The spacing is a formatting error that I've got to get around to fixing. I'm excited to publish the chapters with the sci fi elements!

Sun, October 25th, 2020 3:50pm

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