the first man on venus

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


Cover design science.focus.com

The First Man on Venus

They’re sending a rocket ship to Venus, I heard on the radio the other day. Jesus! It’s hot enough to melt lead on the surface, so how will they construct such a spaceship? Will they build it out of asbestos? How are going to propel such a rocket? Normal rocket fuel will explode from the heat, so presumably it will be nuclear powered. I don’t envy those at the factory constructing it, what with all that dangerous asbestos and plutonium. Imagine the danger money the workers will be paid. Huge sums I imagine. Unless of course they plan to construct it in a third world nation with a convenient disregard for OH&S regulations. They’ll assumably use slave labour to build it. The kidnapped children of poverty-stricken villagers.

Apparently, these brilliant space scientists want to explore Venus so as to ascertain how greenhouse gasses rendered the planet uninhabitable. They have recently detected the rare gas phosphine in the planet’s outer atmosphere, which they claim is evidence that life once existed upon our sister planet, although I seriously doubt this. It is more likely just ‘jobs for the boys’ as it is a bad time for space scientists right now. The last thing you want to spend money on during a pandemic is on the history of hypothetical civilisations on other planets. The virologists are getting all the money once reserved for the science fiction workers. Besides, if civilisation did exist on Venus and was eventually destroyed by Venusian global warming of the atmosphere, the answer as to why this happened is fairly obvious to me.

The Venusians were ardent global warming sceptics who refused to give up coal-fired power stations and driving their huge and inefficient V8 cars across their once cooler and beautiful fecund planet. These vehicles will be discovered beneath of the atmospheric veil that surrounds the planet, which are littered across the massive highways that dominated the face of the planet before they were abandoned when petrol ran out. It will cost squillions to send a spaceship to the surface to observe this, so why not instead use this money to develop renewable power sources on our own planet. It sounds like a better investment to me.


Submitted: October 26, 2020

© Copyright 2020 Craig Davison. All rights reserved.

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Comments

tess tickle

with that title i was excited to read how man has figured out woman

Mon, October 26th, 2020 2:21am

Author
Reply

Yes, well, I could have gone with the obvious 'First Penis on Venus' or a predictable gag about 'Up Uranus', but that would have been crass and vulgar, which I try to avoid these days. You'll have to write 'The First Woman on Mars' to balance it out. Thanks Tess. You're always an inspiration.

Sun, October 25th, 2020 7:30pm

Mike S.

Fine opinion piece, Craig, I agree with you, with all the hungry people in need here...I understand about wanting to learn about global warming, I do, but not at the cost of f-ing over people down here

Mon, October 26th, 2020 1:46pm

Author
Reply

Bring on the solar-electric vehicle, I say.

Mon, October 26th, 2020 2:39pm

HarveyY

Squillions? That sounds like a lot of money. But maybe they can bring back a classic car with them(big V-8) and re coup some of that money at auction at Barriett-Jackson.

Mon, October 26th, 2020 5:36pm

Author
Reply

Maybe, but the acid in the Venusian rain may may have rendered them inoperable.

Mon, October 26th, 2020 2:37pm

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