The Valley of the Tools Episode 40

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

The shooting date for Alien AIDs and Human Slaves is moved way up, and after actors drop out, Miles is forced to hire Rob, McKenzie and Bonnie for major roles. Rob and Bonnie quarrel over their acting choices. Kevin is conflicted over his feelings for Evelyn. Miles tries to impress a Deadline.com reporter.

THE VALLEY OF THE TOOLS

 

“CODE RED”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“I know how you are now, you twist everything else around. Now you’re fucking with me! It’s a waste of my time. You said, ‘I won’t again, I swear to God!’…instead you just waste, waste, waste my time”

  • Chino Moreno

 

(We open on a shot of Li Qiang Min in front of his computer, at his home office, on a Zoom call with Rob, Whitney, Miles and Zhang Jun Yang. He holds up a chart showing a substantial profit drop-off)

 

LI: You see this? Whitney?

 

WHITNEY: Yes.

 

LI: Is it going down or up?

 

WHITNEY: Do we have to do this- it’s going down, Li.

 

LI: Exactamundo.

 

ROB: Exactamundo?

 

(Li puts the chart down)

 

LI: We need to move up shooting. February 1st, no longer acceptamundo.

 

ROB: Listen, I agree that we could move up the shoot, a lot of productions are already shooting. But the question is how soon?

 

WHITNEY: Nice getting down to brass tacks, Rob, you’ve earned an extra vacation day.

 

ROB: Thanks.

 

ZHANG: We’re thinking October 19th.

 

MILES: What?!

 

ROB: That’s like, two weeks from now.

 

LI: Yes. We want to get this movie out with speedamundo, or else we’ll be dead in the water.

 

ROB: Why do you keep adding “mundo” to adverbs?!

 

LI: Is that not something you do in the slang over there?

 

WHITNEY: We’d have to order tests immediately and convince our actors to return to set on short notice when they might be shooting other things!

 

ROB: Like porn! A lot of them are porn actors!

 

WHITNEY: Plus, we’d have to ask them to quarantine for weeks! Only going to the set, and to the hotel.

 

ROB: Plus, this might delay the releases of all the latest porn I’ve been looking forward to!
 

WHITNEY: And they might quit! Come on, what’s the real offer? How about right after Thanksgiving?

 

LI: It’s not an offer. It’s my position. October 19th. We want to start distributing in European and Asian markets as soon as we can, even if North American markets are still closed.

 

ROB: So that’s it? No compromise?!

 

LI: You want compromise? Here’s some compromise. Twenty years in the can. I wanted lo mein, but I compromised. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator. I wanted to fuck a woman, but I compromised.

 

ROB: You jacked off in a tissue. We get it, you’ve seen The Sopranos.

 

LI: I had never watched it before quarantine, what a show.

 

WHITNEY: This is all very appropriate.

 

LI: October 19th, Whitney. Or we’ll pull out.

 

(Li and Zhang drop out of the call. Whitney plants her face in her hands)

 

MILES: What if actors drop out? Can we recast on such short notice, not to mention, reshoot scenes?!

 

WHITNEY: We’re gonna have to. What are we gonna do, superimpose the new actors’ faces, over the original?

 

MILES: I mean, I’ve done it before.

 

ROB: You know what we need? EMERGENCY AUDITIONS! (Rob takes out a giant red button and presses it. Rob looks around for a few moments) I’ll text Noel, to set those up.

 

(Cut to Rob, Whitney, Miles and Luther sitting in Luther’s apartment living room. They’re wearing masks and are spaced out, facing a wall. A camera on a tripod sits behind them. In front of them, is a young white man in a turtleneck, who appears to be doing a deep breathing exercise)

 

LUTHER: …You ready, Mr. Alton?

 

ALTON: Yes, yes, of course, just one moment. My father is an actor, he told me to always do breathing exercises before an audition.

 

WHITNEY: We’re past the “before” part, man, this is the audition.

 

(Alton takes a deep breath)

 

ALTON: Okay, I’m ready.

 

(Rob takes out the script and flips several pages)

 

ROB: I’ll be playing the part of Comarella, the ghost of your dead lover.

 

ALTON: I hope it’s okay, I put my own spin on some of the lines.

 

MILES: Whoa! What do you mean?

 

WHITNEY: Well, I don’t think we expect the lines to be verbatim. Just go ahead.

 

ROB: Alright. (Clears throat) “Commander Manscapula, I expected you’d be here”.

 

ALTON: Hit it! (Singing) You’ve come to me in my time of need, and all I want is to hug you, but now that you have-

 

ROB: Hold on! Hold on!

 

WHITNEY: Stop.

 

ALTON: Yes?

 

WHITNEY: When you said you put “your own spin” on the lines, you meant you composed entire musical numbers in place of the lines?

 

ALTON: Well, I think the script can benefit from that, if you just let me finish.

 

ROB: Alright, dude, thanks. You may leave.

 

(Alton bows, and leaves out the front door)

 

MILES: I resent the idea that we don’t expect them to be verbatim, I crafted this script like a fine Italian watch!

 

LUTHER: Didn’t you write it high on uppers over a long weekend?

 

MILES: Yes, which is how the greats craft their watches, in case you weren’t aware.

 

ROB: Just bring in the next guy. NOEL! WE’RE READY!

 

(Noel, who’s wearing a mask, opens the front door to the apartment, and Trey Goodlatte comes in wearing a red mask reading “MAGA”. Rob tenses up, and his eyes widen. Whitney also looks shocked)

 

TREY: What up, hey, mind if my girl hangs out?

 

(Colleen walks in, also wearing a MAGA mask. Rob looks over and white knuckles the sides of his chair)

 

COLLEEN: I’m not even here. (Colleen giggles) Sometimes Trey tells me I don’t exist. Sometimes I believe him!

 

ROB: Well. This was, unexpected. Noel, I didn’t see them on the list.

 

(Noel glances down at the list on his clipboard)

 

NOEL: Yeah, he’s right here, Grey Toodlatte.

 

(Trey takes off his mask)

 

TREY: Sorry about that, bro, I thought you might not audition me, otherwise.

 

WHITNEY: That name really should’ve tipped us off, anyway.

 

TREY: Alright, I’m ready, you homos ready? Homosapiens, that is!

 

(Trey laughs obnoxiously)

 

WHITNEY: We should kick him out, right?

 

ROB: No, it’ fine. He deserves a chance, at least. Let’s go, Trey. I have the script.

 

TREY: Actually, I was thinking I could do it with Colleen. Babe, come up here.

 

(Colleen ambles over to Trey)

 

COLLEEN: Let’s bring offscreen romance, onscreen, babe.

 

(Colleen smiles. Rob looks down at his script and then hands it to Colleen)

 

ROB: Good luck. You read the lines under “Comarella”.

 

COLLEEN: I know! Oh my God.

 

TREY: Back off, dude.

 

ROB: You realize I’m the one you need to impress right now?

 

COLLEEN: Should I show you my tits? Would that impress you, creep?!

 

ROB: Oh my God.

 

(Rob stands up and walks over to the wall, places his head against it)

 

WHITNEY: Just get on with it.

 

COLLEEN: (Same voice) “Commander Manscapula, I expected you’d be here”.

 

TREY: (Same voice) “I didn’t expect you to be. You’re dead”.

 

COLLEEN: “I may be dead, but my feelings for you are very much alive”.

 

MILES: It’s “very alive”, like, we can we stick to the script?

 

WHITNEY: Quick note. You haven’t changed anything about your voice or demeanor, this barely counts as acting.

 

TREY: Just, let us finish. (Turns to Colleen) “I’ll never forget the moment you orgasmed so hard and so thoroughly, that you died of pleasure in my arms. You looked to be at peace. How am I supposed to accept that you’re back?”

 

(Rob turns around)

 

ROB: NO! That’s all wrong! Here- (Rob walks over and snatches the script away from Trey and looks at Colleen. He speaks in a gruff, but sultry voice) “I’ll never forget the moment you orgasmed so hard and so thoroughly, that you died of pleasure in my arms. You looked to be at peace. How am I supposed to accept that you’re back?” (Rob throws the script down) THAT’S how you do it! (Rob walks over and sits back down on his chair) WE’LL LET YOU KNOW.

 

(Trey shakes his head angrily and leaves. Colleen regards Rob with a glare)

 

COLLEEN: No one speaks to my man like that. People can speak to me in whatever way they want, including my man, but not my man. You’ll pay for this.

 

(Colleen storms out in a huff)

 

WHITNEY: You okay?

 

MILES: Thanks for sticking up for my script, dude.

 

ROB: Sorry, I just- that guy pisses me off.

 

LUTHER: You still got feelings for that her, bro?

 

ROB: What?! No, I don’t- I never- no! We just had sex, it wasn’t a romance!

 

LUTHER: Sorry, I assumed you went over to that wall to hide your boner.

 

(Miles stifles a laugh)

 

WHITNEY: Oh, I love this industry’s gender make-up. (Beat) Before we bring anyone else in, are you leaning in any particular direction?

 

(Miles checks out Rob’s pants)

 

MILES: Seems to be to the right, at the moment.

 

(Luther and Miles bump fists, as Rob crosses his legs)

 

ROB: Honestly? This boner might be for myself.

 

WHITNEY: What?

 

ROB: I think I nailed it, just now.

 

LUTHER: Come on, dude, is this a bit?

 

WHITNEY: Actually…he did do good.

 

ROB: Thank you!

 

WHITNEY: Think about this character, Commander Manscapula. He’s arrogant, rude, constantly on an ego trip…Rob is perfect for it.

 

(Miles and Luther nod their heads)

 

MILES: I agree.

 

ROB: I won’t let you guys down.

 

LUTHER: As for the role of Comarella, can I make a suggestion?

 

ROB: Is Pop Spiders looking to get into acting?

 

LUTHER: What?

 

ROB: Hey, Will Smith made the transition.

 

WHITNEY: Is that the most recent example you could come up with?

 

LUTHER: You old, dude.

 

ROB: You’re like four years younger than me.

 

(Cut to Evelyn in the shower. She squirts some conditioner into her hand and runs it through her hair. She mechanically rubs it in and puts her head under the faucet. She than takes some body wash and pours it on herself. She starts rubbing it in, and her hands move across her breast. Suddenly, her brow folds and she feels the side of her breasts with a look of great concern. She turns off the faucet and steps out of the shower. Cut to Luther sitting at the desk in their bedroom, on the phone)

 

LUTHER: Yeah, we think you’d be perfect for it. You’re like a sexy space ghost. (Beat, as Evelyn walks in, wearing dry clothes, but her hair still damp. She’s nervously wringing her hands) N-no, it’s not porn. I know it has some, porno-type dialogue, but it’s not porn. There’s no penetration and only a little bit of nudity.

 

EVELYN: Luther?

 

LUTHER: Hold on. (Luther turns to Evelyn) I’m on the phone, babe, one sec. (Luther turns back around, as Evelyn looks down sheepishly) Yeah. Shooting starts in a little under two weeks. Yeah, if you tear the costume, you keep it, yeah. Okay. See ya there, Bonnie. (Luther hands up, and turns to Evelyn) What’s up?

 

EVELYN: …Nevermind.

 

LUTHER: No, what is it?

 

EVELYN: …It’s nothing of importance, that Flex Tape stuff came in the mail.

 

LUTHER: That’s your thing, not mine.

 

EVELYN: I’m going to cut a hole in a boat, tape it over, and take it on the lake this weekend, will you include yourself?

 

LUTHER: No, and you shouldn’t either. What lake?

 

EVELYN: The reservoir.

 

LUTHER: …Don’t do that, Evelyn.

 

(Luther turns back to his computer and checks his e-mail. Evelyn lifelessly ambles out of the room. Cut to a shot of the television in McKenzie and Kevin’s bedroom. KTLA anchor Eline Abovian is reporting live near a pro-Armenian protest of the Armenia-Azerbaijan conflict. The time and day on the bottom of the screen reads “5:13 PM Oct 18 20”)

 

ELINE: Demonstrators have been gathering for weeks in protest of the Azerbaijani military strikes on the majority Armenian separatist region of Nagorno-Karabakh. Armenian leaders here in Los Angeles have likened the current Turkey-backed assault on civilian populations in the region to the Armenian genocide of a century ago-

 

(The camera pans away from the TV and over to McKenzie, as she packs her clothes into a suitcase. Kevin is sulking in the corner, with his hands in his pockets)

 

MCKENZIE: It’s only a couple of weeks, I’ll be back in time for the election.

 

KEVIN: McKenzie, why are you even involved in this?! I thought you gave up acting!
 

MCKENZIE: I never gave up acting! It’s just on the backburner, right back there with learning French, having sex on the four corners, and telling my mom to go fuck herself.

 

KEVIN: I’m your assistant, can’t I get a last minute covid test and join you?!

 

(McKenzie takes a deep breath)

 

MCKENZIE: You really want to do that? We’re just gonna be shooting all day, and we’re gonna be dead tired by the time we get back to the hotel.

 

KEVIN: What am I gonna do here?! I’m gonna sit in the tub and jerk off all day and watch Parks & Rec on Netflix- NOT at the same time, but you know what I mean. I just- I can’t be alone for that long in the state I’m in right now, Kenz, can’t you understand?

 

(McKenzie nods and walks over to Kevin)

 

MCKENZIE: Alright. I’ll call and see if I can get you a test. (Kevin smiles and nods) You’re so cute when you’re desperate.

 

KEVIN: Then I must be the sexiest man on Earth.

 

(McKenzie and Kevin hug)

 

KEVIN: What’s your role, even?

 

MCKENZIE: …I’m a horny alien.

 

(Kevin smirks. Cut to a film set. There’s a spaceship set built, surrounded by cameras and sound guys holding boom mics. Most of the crew are wearing masks. Miles sits in the director’s chair, next to Whitney, who has her own chair. Evelyn is standing on the side of the set, holding a clipboard. We see Rob on the spaceship set, wearing a bulky, white Space Commander outfit, with bright green lapels, big shoulders and a mechanical eye. McKenzie is standing right before him, in heavy make-up, made to look like a blue alien with four breasts, with nothing on but revealing rags. Kevin is standing at the side of the set too, right next to a handsome, olive-skinned makeup guy with dark hair)

 

MILES: Alright, so if you remember, in this scene, you’re meeting the peasant girl you wish to make your concubine.

 

ROB: We all remember, Miles, can we get on with this? I haven’t been able to scratch my balls in six hours.

 

MILES: Griffin, can we touch up Kenzie’s eye shadow a bit?

 

GRIFFIN: Sure thing.

 

(Griffin runs over and starts touching up McKenzie’s eye shadow)

 

MCKENZIE: This peasant girl can’t be THAT poor, with this eye shadow, right?

 

(Griffin laughs)

 

GRIFFIN: Maybe she’s using space dust, I don’t know.

 

(McKenzie laughs. Cut over to Kevin, who’s glaring at them)

 

KEVIN: Wasn’t THAT funny.

 

(Griffin runs off set)

 

MILES: Okay, three, two, one- ACTION!

 

ROB: (Menacing voice) Look at you. What makes you think you’re worthy of even being in my presence?

 

MCKENZIE: (High, girlish voice) You called me up here, Commander Manscapula. You said you had something to show me.

 

ROB: You’re a worthless, speck of dirt, floating in space.

 

(McKenzie throws herself against the wall)

 

MCKENZIE: Oh, please, Commander, I can’t take another word…please spare me!

 

(Rob pushes McKenzie against the wall, and she goes in for a kiss. Rob and McKenzie make start making out, as the camera swings around to capture it. Kevin walks over to Evelyn, as this scene is being shot)

 

KEVIN: (Whispering) Hey, what are you doing here?

 

EVELYN: (Whispering) Watching your girlfriend French Rob, what about you?

 

KEVIN: (Whispering) Well. You know. It’s her job. (Beat) She seems to be good at it. What are you really doing here?

 

EVELYN: (Whispering) My job is to make sure they don’t exceed our budget. And I’m good at it.

 

KEVIN: Okay, so, what if, for example, Miles made changes to the script and it called for Commander Manscapula adopting a few Snow Leopards, would renting that endangered species for a few days put us over our budget?

 

EVELYN: (Totally serious) Yes, it would.

 

KEVIN: …Right, so, what if Manscapula gave McKenzie’s character the Hope Diamond as a gift, would that put us over?

 

EVELYN: Assuming we use the real Hope Diamond, of course it would.

 

KEVIN: …Great, nice riffing with you.

 

(Cut back to the set. Rob and McKenzie are on the ground, on top of one another, as Rob kisses her neck)

 

MCKENZIE: MANSCAPULA! WHAT IF DOCTOR TBD WALKS IN ON US!?

 

MILES: CUT! (Rob and McKenzie both get up) That was great, guys, but remember, its not Doctor TBD, it’s Doctor Orgasma.

 

MCKENZIE: It said Doctor TBD in the script.

 

MILES: …Fuck, did it?

 

(Cut back to Kevin and Evelyn)

 

KEVIN: Hey, while they’re taking this again, you wanna give me a tour of the studio?

 

(Evelyn shrugs)

 

EVELYN: I suppose so. Follow me.

 

(Evelyn gets up, and Kevin follows her backstage. McKenzie takes notice of this, as Griffin puts make-up over the hickey on her neck. Cut to Evelyn leading Kevin into the dressing room, where there are mirrors, chairs, and a rack full of costumes)

 

EVELYN: This is where the actors prepare their physical forms for performance. Often with makeup, clothes and aesthetic aids.

 

KEVIN: I don’t have a film degree, but I’m, uh, familiar with the concept of a dressing room.

 

EVELYN: Very well then. Any questions?

 

KEVIN May I? (Kevin walks over to the rack and pulls off a fur and wraps it around his neck. He struts forward and does a Gloria Swanson impression) It’s just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark! Alright, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up. (Kevin walks toward Evelyn, who remains stone-faced. Kevin drops the act and stops in his tracks) Sunset Boulevard?

 

EVELYN: That’s a street in Los Angeles, yes?

 

KEVIN: No, the movie. You’re in the film business, you should know that movie.

 

EVELYN: You may have forgotten that I started out in the Real Estate business. In fact, I’m still in it, part-time. I know little about film.

 

(Kevin nods and tosses the fur back onto the rack)

 

KEVIN: Honestly, I’m glad that you don’t automatically laugh at my jokes. (Kevin sits down at one of the mirrors) I feel like half the time, I’m getting courtesy laughs.

 

EVELYN: …I rarely laugh outwardly, because I’ve never understood most peoples’ desperate need for affirmation. But, trust me, I’ve enjoyed at least a few of your jokes inwardly.

 

(Kevin nods and smirks)

 

KEVIN: Thanks.

 

(Beat)

 

EVELYN: …I should get back.

 

(Kevin nods. Evelyn walks out of the dressing room. Kevin slips his hand into his pocket and makes an adjustment. He then clears his throat. Cut to Miles sitting at his director’s chair, flipping through a script)

 

MILES: Okay, I think I figured it out. I forgot to replace his name.

 

ROB: I think we all figured that out, two minutes ago.

 

MILES: Great. Let’s get that last line, okay?

 

(Whitney leans over to Miles)

 

WHITNEY: There’s that reporter from Deadline.

 

(Whitney points to the corner, where a young reporter with curly, dirty blonde hair, and a mask on, is holding a pen and pad. Miles waves to him, and he waves back)

 

MILES: Actually, we can dub it in later, we’re on a time crunch here. Bring in the slaver.

 

(A balding actor of about 55, dressed in waist-high brown pants and a buttoned-down silver shirt, walks on set, as Rob clears off)

 

SLAVER: The name’s Perry Burns, you can find me on IMDB. My type is home-alone-style thief or aging pedophile, just check out perryburns.com for more info.

 

MILES: I swear to God, I will demote you to anal probe subject #29 if you keep it up. (Perry nods sheepishly) This is the scene where McKenzie’s character poisons the slaver, while posing as a nurse working for Doctor Orgasma. Doctor? (A middle-aged black actor walks on, dressed as a Doctor, and stage hands push an examining table on to the set. Perry sits down on it) Okay. Action.

 

DR. ORGASMA: What seems to be bothering you, Mr. Stoneheart?

 

PERRY: Well, I’m afraid I’ve had performance issues in the bedroom, with the Misses.

 

DR. ORGASMA: No worries, I’ve got just the thing. Nurse?

 

(McKenzie walks over with a fake syringe, full of a green liquid. Miles looks over to the reporter, and watches as he jots something down)

 

MCKENZIE: This won’t hurt a bit.

 

(McKenzie prepares to inject it)

 

MILES: CUT! (The actors turn their attention to him) Guys, listen. (Miles stands up) Authenticity is the watermark of my work. I think we can all agree. (Everyone trades confused looks) Can we swap out that gag syringe for a real one? I think the scene would be far more VISCERAL, if we injected him withs some ipecac syrup, something to make him vomit, right?

 

PERRY: What?!

 

(Whitney gets up)

 

WHITNEY: Hey, you know what would be super VISCERAL?! If we wrapped before 11pm. What do you say?

 

PERRY: Yeah, I’m not doing that.

 

MCKENZIE: I don’t want to make someone vomit, Miles.

 

MILES: You could’ve fooled me, with those SHOES you were wearing this morning!
 

MCKENZIE: The fuck is your problem!?

 

(Whitney pulls Miles onto his seat)

 

WHITNEY: The fuck are you doing?!

 

MILES: (Whispering) All great Directors are crazed, perfectionist assholes, I need this Deadline reporter to report that to the world.

 

WHITNEY: Cut it out. Abusive directors aren’t exactly in vogue, right now.

 

(Miles scoffs)

 

MILES: Whatever. Action!

 

(Miles eyes the reporter as he furiously takes down notes. Cut to Rob, as Commander Manscapula, sitting in his captain’s quarters, on a magnificent white chair festooned with buttons and bulbs. One of his minions, played by an older actor, and giving echoes of Grand Moff Tarkin. His finger hovers over a button, and he looks out a window at a green screen)

 

MINION: As soon as you give the order, Commander Manscapula, we will coat Prudula 5 with pheromones so potent, that they will fuck until they die.

 

ROB: It’s all coming together. (Rob closes his eyes) How very SWEET, it will taste, as their oceans turn pearly white, and their population grows far faster than they can feed it.

 

MINION: Just say the word, Commander.

 

(Bonnie, her face painted white, and dressed in rags, and carrying bright blue chains, walks on set)

 

BONNIE: (Breathy voice) Manscapula, don’t do it.

 

(Rob turns around and faces Bonnie. He becomes visibly uncomfortable. He stays silent. Bonnie stares at him, quizzically)

 

ROB: Do you wanna take that again?

 

BONNIE: I thought it was fine, Rob, did you have a problem with it?

 

ROB: No, it’s just, I didn’t feel inspired by that line reading.

 

BONNIE: The fuck am I, Malala? I have to inspire you with every fucking take?!

 

MILES: Alright guys, let’s take it from the minion’s last line.

 

MINION: My name’s Rodney, by the way.

 

MILES: I CAN’T LEARN EVERYONE’S NAME! Do you know all of their names?! What’s THIS asshole’s name?!

 

(Miles points to one of the boom guys)

 

WHITNEY: That’s Jeff, he housesat for you over the weekend.

 

MILES: Whatever- ACTION!

 

(Bonnie walks off set)

 

MINION: Just say the word, Commander.

 

(Bonnie walks on set)

 

BONNIE: Manscapula, please! Don’t!

 

(Rob turns to Bonnie)

 

ROB: She changed the line!

 

BONNIE: YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT DIFFERENT!

 

ROB: INTONATION! INTONATION! NOT CONTENT! JESUS! (Rob turns to a hapless stage hand) Can someone throw me a latte for Christ’s sakes?! (The stage hand throws a cup of coffee at Rob, and he kicks it away, it spills everywhere) What?! Are you trying to BURN ME ALIVE?!

 

STAGE HAND: You said to throw it!

 

(Rob points to the spill)

 

ROB: Clean that up!

 

(The stage hand grabs a towel and starts scrubbing. Rob turns back to Bonnie)

 

ROB: Okay, let’s try this again, huh?! Intonation, not content. This isn’t hard. (Bonnie groans and walks off stage. Rob turns to Miles) You ready?

 

(The stage hand finishes cleaning up the mess and rushes off stage)

 

MILES: …Yeah…lights, camera, and the rest.

 

MINION: Just say the word, commander.

 

(Bonnie struts on set)

 

BONNIE: (High-pitched, screechy) MANSCAPULA, DON’T DO IT!!!

 

ROB: THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

 

 BONNIE: (Normal voice) WAS THAT INTONATION GOOD ENOUGH, ROBERT?!

 

(Miles stands up)

 

MILES: Okay, okay! Cut! Bonnie, you made your point. Let’s try to get it for real, this time. (Rob turns away, and Bonnie walks off stage. Miles sits down) One, two, three, go.

 

(We cut to a montage of Rob and Bonnie attempting this scene over and over, sound-tracked by “Drifter in the Dark” by Ween. We see the Minion turning to Rob and saying his line, followed by Bonnie walking in and saying her line, only for Rob to stand up and throw his hands up. We see this happen again and again, with more and more sweat and visible annoyance gathering on all of the actors’ faces each time. We see several shots of Bonnie, Rob and the minion taking swigs of water- a couple shots of Rob dousing himself with water, a shot of the minion taking a swig from a canteen full of vodka, a shot of Bonnie punching the wall, a shot of Rob banging his fist on his captain’s chair so hard, one of the armrests falls off. We see a shot of the minion dousing himself with the vodka. We see a shot of Bonnie and Rob getting in each other’s faces and screaming. We see a shot of Miles fanning himself, his arm pits stained by sweat, as he says “action” once again. We see them trying to do the scene again, the minion mumbles a line, Bonnie runs on and delivers her line very low energy, and Rob buries his head in his hands. We see a shot of Rob downing a coffee, Bonnie downing a beer, which she finishes and throws on the ground, as it shatters into a thousand pieces. Then we see a shot of the minion dousing himself in lighter fluid, and taking out a match book, before being tackled and restrained by stage hands. The song finishes as we cut to Rob and Bonnie in their places for the scene, except now the minion is played by that stage hand. Miles’ eyes are bloodshot, and he looks exhausted)

 

MILES: …Action…

 

STAGE HAND: Just say the word, commander.

 

(Bonnie walks on set)

 

BONNIE: Manscapula, don’t do it!

 

(Rob stands up)

 

ROB: Comarella, b-but how?!

 

MILES: Cut. We can pick this up tomorrow, that’s a wrap for today, good job everyone. Someone please clean that shattered glass, and all the blood from that person who stepped on the shattered glass, please.

 

(Miles gets up and walks out. Rob and Bonnie walk separate ways without acknowledging one another. Cut to Rob walking into his hotel room and collapsing onto his bed. Several knocks sound at the door. Rob screams into his pillow)

 

ROB: WHAT IS IT!?

 

(Whitney, Miles and Luther walk in. Whitney  pushes Rob)

 

WHITNEY: Rob! (Rob groans. Whitney turns Rob onto his back) Did Bonnie sleep with Imogen or something?!

 

ROB: No, I would love that, are you kidding?!

 

WHITNEY: Then what is going on between you two?!

 

MILES: When you see her, you act like my nephews when they see me!

 

ROB: I’m sorry, she just needs an acting coach or something! That’s not my fault! I’m a fan of hers, if there was an Oscars for porn, I’d give her a lifetime achievement award for her forays into porn directing alone!

 

LUTHER: She was acting fine, dude, you were being a tyrant up there. You added at least three days to our shooting schedule and made us pay for more craft services! (Luther shrugs) Plus, you almost drove your scene partner to suicide.

 

ROB: He’s getting help, isn’t he? Come on, there had to be some deeper-seated issues.

 

LUTHER: I’m that guy’s manager, Rob, he’s always been one of the happiest dudes I’ve ever known.

 

MILES: Same here.

 

LUTHER: You didn’t even know his fuckin’ name!

 

WHITNEY: You know what I think it is, Rob?

 

(Rob sits up on the bed)

 

ROB: What is it, Whitney? Go ahead, put that psychology minor to good use.

 

WHITNEY: I think you were triggered by Trey and Colleen’s appearance at the auditions. Remember, in many ways, Colleen is a ghost from your past, just like the character Comarella, and they’re both blonde, so. Disprove that thesis, BITCH.

 

ROB: Great, so now I’m Alan Hancock or some shit, I hate blondes?!

 

MILES: Alan Hancock’s a Founding Father, dumbass.

 

LUTHER: Isn’t it a movie starring Will Smith?

 

WHITNEY: ENOUGH! You have three choices, Rob. Get over it and work with Bonnie, fire Bonnie, or quit. I’ll let you think about that.

 

(Whitney, Miles and Luther leave. Rob sighs and slides back into his bed. Cut to McKenzie’s hotel room. She’s watching a Biden-Harris ad on TV, while eating potato chips. The ad shows a still of Joe Biden at a socially distanced campaign rally)

 

NARRATOR: The most important election in our lifetime- (still of President Trump at a packed rally) even more important than the last most important election of our lifetimes, four years ago. (Cut to footage of Neo-Nazis marching in Charlottesville in August 2017) Joe Biden ran for President to appeal to our better angels-  (cut to the footage of Trump’s press conference after the Unite The Right rally in Charlottesville) while Donald Trump wouldn’t even condemn the Neo-Nazis who marched in Charlottesville!

 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: You also had people that were very fine people, on both sides.

 

NARRATOR: When asked to condemn the hate group the Proud Boys, he told them to “stand back” and “stand by”. (Cut to footage of Mitch McConnell speaking on the senate floor) How can Republican leadership possibly stand by and support this divisive President? The Republican Party has become a party of hatred and has no place in government. (Cut to footage of Joe Biden kneeling down and talking to a group of black voters) But Joe Biden is a uniter, so much so, that he will put Republicans in his government, if you elect him on November 3rd. (Cut to a photo of Joe Biden smiling, next to a logo for “Patriots for a Responsible, Civil and Moral America”) Patriots for a Responsible, Civil and Moral America is responsible for the content of this advertising.

 

(Kevin walks in and sits next to McKenzie)

 

KEVIN: What ya doin’?

 

MCKENZIE: I don’t know, what were you doing backstage with Evelyn today?

 

(McKenzie turns the TV off and turns to him. Kevin furrows his brow)

 

KEVIN: She was showing me around backstage!

 

MCKENZIE: I bet she was.

 

KEVIN: What are we, on a 70s sitcom!?

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin, trust has to be earned.

 

KEVIN: I’VE BEEN GOOD! (Kevin stands up) I’VE BEEN GOOD FOR ALMOST ELEVEN MONTHS, NOW!

 

(McKenzie stands up)

 

MCKENZIE: I’M SURE THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU NOT GOING AROUND AND FUCKING STRANGERS IN BARS!
 

KEVIN: OH, THAT IS SO UNFAIR! There was no pandemic until March, for Christ’s sake!

 

(McKenzie takes a deep breath and sits on the bed)

 

MCKENZIE: I’m sorry, I’m just- not yet comfortable with this, blooming friendship you have with Evelyn.

 

KEVIN: I never give you shit for being friends with Rob, who fucks everything with a pulse, including the two of us that one time!

 

MCKENZIE: Oh, come on, Rob’s been good lately!

 

KEVIN: So, you trust HIM more than you trust me!?

 

MCKENZIE: I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU! So, I’m sorry if I hold you to a different standard, than I hold myself!

 

KEVIN: Kenz- (Kevin walks over to her) please, just go ahead. (Kevin takes off his shirt and throws it on the ground. He splays himself out on the bed) Please, punish me. Once and for all! I’ve been a bad boy, I need to be taught a lesson.

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin.

 

KEVIN: I’m serious! Scar my back! Go get a whip!

 

MCKENZIE: The fuck am I gonna find a whip?!

 

KEVIN: The props department, I don’t know! Go back to the studio!!

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin, you made your point, just get up!

 

KEVIN: Kenz, this started off as a rhetorical device, but I’m actually rock hard, right now. Please get a bathroom towel, at least. (McKenzie scoffs, takes out a cigarette and walks onto the balcony. Kevin gets up) Put that out on my chest, please.

 

(We pan down to Kevin’s pants and find his erection imprinted in his jeans. Cut to an extreme close-up of Evelyn’s mouth gripping onto a lit cigarette. Cut to a wider shot of Evelyn smoking outside the studio the next morning. Kevin walks out the back door, pulling a cigarette from a pack. Evelyn regards him. Kevin nods and lights his cigarette)

 

EVELYN: How has assisting McKenzie been?

 

KEVIN: …I haven’t been doing much, honestly. It’s mostly been that limp-dick Griffin.

 

EVELYN: Sounds like you’re jealous.

 

KEVIN: You know we had a fight last night, and I didn’t ONCE mention Griffin, or his stupid-ass, Colin Farrell features and presumably enormous cock.

 

EVELYN: Now, it sounds like you desire Griffin. What did you and McKenzie argue about?

 

(Kevin shrugs)

 

KEVIN: Nothing, we’re just having some problems.

 

EVELYN: They don’t involve me, do they?

 

KEVIN: NO. I mean, nah, of course not, what are you talking about?

 

(Kevin turns away and takes a drag on his cigarette)

 

EVELYN: Good, I’m glad to hear that.

 

(Kevin turns back to Evelyn, surprised and confused)

 

KEVIN: …What about you and Luther, you guys doing okay?

 

(Evelyn takes a drag of her cigarette and blows a significant cloud to the side)

 

EVELYN: …We haven’t been fornicating so much, lately.

 

(Kevin coughs out a puff of smoke, with surprise)

 

KEVIN: Oh?

 

EVELYN: We had a fight about my father, two months ago, and relations between us have been awkward ever since. Even when we do have intercourse, I can tell he’s thinking more about Pop Spiders, than me. Not because he wants to have sex with Pop Spiders, trust me, I’ve suggested it. It’s because he won’t stop thinking about all the talent he manages.

 

KEVIN: Classic workaholic, huh?

 

EVELYN: I don’t know what workahol is, but yes, he focuses more on work than me, even though we work together. I am part of his work.

 

KEVIN: Sorry to hear that. Honestly, I have the opposite problem, I’ve been out of work for months, so McKenzie hired me to be her assistant, but I feel like I’m just being babysat so I won’t slide back into depression. (Beat) Not to say I really slid out of it, it’s more like I just got used to it. Kinda like McKenzie got used to the smell when I would go a week without showering.

 

EVELYN: Are you over the worst of it?

 

KEVIN: Yeah, I’m definitely showering more regularly.

 

EVELYN: …I was about to remark, that you smell, pleasing.

 

(Kevin tenses up, and nods)

 

KEVIN: Thank you. Must be my body wash.

 

EVELYN: May I?

 

(Evelyn leans in and smells Kevin’s neck. Kevin drops his cigarette on the ground and becomes incredibly tense)

 

KEVIN: You know what. I think I may need to take another shower.

 

(Kevin runs back inside. Evelyn takes a gulp and returns to smoking. Cut to the reporter speaking with Bonnie inaudibly, in the props room, backstage. Miles is watching surreptitiously from the hallway. Bonnie smiles and pats the reporter’s cheek. She walks out, and Miles walks in)

 

MILES: Hey, Ryan, right?

 

RYAN: Ryan Pelliet. (Ryan walks forward and nods) Nice to meet you, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

 

MILES: Me, too! I noticed you’ve been conducting a lot of secret interviews with the cast and crew, but not me.

 

RYAN: My process is to work through the small fish, before I get to the big one.

 

MILES: Well, the big fish has found you. Reel me in, daddy.  (Miles looks down. Ryan squints) That was off-the-record.

 

RYAN: Very well, then. First off, what do you look to get out of an actor you’re directing?

 

(Miles laughs, and starts walking and talking with Ryan, as they leave the room)

 

MILES: First of all, SEX! (Miles laughs) That’s another joke that I trust you won’t take out of context.

 

RYAN: General advice, don’t make jokes like that to reporters.

 

(Miles pats Ryan on the back as they enter the hallway)

 

MILES: You got a good head on your shoulders, kid. I trust you implicitly.

 

(They walk out of the shot. Cut to Bonnie in her dressing room. She’s doing her own makeup, as Rob walks in, his hands deep in his pockets)

 

BONNIE: …Why aren’t you in costume, yet? Did you get fired? Are they gonna super-impose a scrotum over your face for the scenes you’re already in?

 

ROB: No, I just, wanted to talk to you before I was in the Commander get-up.

 

BONNIE: Don’t tell me you were consumed by your role in some bullshit, method-acting way, and THAT’S’ why you acted like a total dick.

 

ROB: No, that was all me. 100% natural, farm-raised, grass-fed Robert Altmire dickitude.

 

(Bonnie turns to Rob)

 

BONNIE: Why, then?! Have I not been stabbed in the back by Stone Productions enough times?!

 

ROB: It has nothing to do with Stone Productions, we’re proud to have you. It’s me. (Rob sits in the adjacent dressing chair) When I see you, I see Colleen Diamond.

 

(Bonnie squints)

 

BONNIE: Colleen Diamond? Did my IQ drop by about 30 points?! And did my tits deflate?

 

ROB: Not because of all that. Colleen and her boyfriend auditioned. So, she’s been on my mind. Especially since, this is the first time since that whole thing that I’ve been in front of the camera, instead of behind.

 

BONNIE: Except for your appearance on Late Night.

 

ROB: Right. So-

 

BONNIE: And the countless ads you were in when you ran for Congress.

 

ROB: Right, but besides that-

 

BONNIE: I saw you frantically waving in the background of Good Morning America the other week-

 

ROB: I just wanna say, I’m sorry. Because you’re not Colleen Diamond. You’re Olivia Outrage.

 

BONNIE: Bonnie Backlash.

 

ROB: Sorry about that, I was, uh, researching that era of your career last night.

 

(Bonnie sighs)

 

BONNIE: Jesus.

 

(Rob pats Bonnie’s hand and walks out of the dressing room. Bonnie looks forlornly, and then turns back to her mirror and continues touching up her makeup. Cut to Miles sitting in the director’s chair, beside Whitney and Luther. The set has been transformed into a futuristic hospital on the spaceship. Numerous human patients, men and women, are connected to IVs that are being held by men in body-tight green screen suits. Rob and Bonnie walk on stage, in their respective costumes)

 

MILES: Okay guys, I trust that there will be no further spats today, yes?

 

ROB: Yes, sir.

 

BONNIE: We’ve made up.

 

ROB: We’re Penn and Teller.

 

BONNIE: Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

 

ROB: Arm and Hammer.

 

BONNIE: Those aren’t two people.

 

ROB: Yeah, but we’re like his pecs.

 

MILES: Maybe you guys are more like Armand Hammer and Timothee Chalomet?

 

BONNIE: Let’s get started.

 

MILES: Okay, great. Take your places.

 

(Rob clocks the men in green skin suits holding the IVs)

 

ROB: What’s with the, uh?

 

MILES: The IVs are floating. Because it’s the future.

 

ROB: Gotcha. (Cut to Rob in his hotel room later that night, on his cell phone) A couple of days were added to the shoot schedule, so I’ll be back a few days later than planned. (Beat) No, it was nobody’s fault, Imogen, things just got delayed. One of the actors attempted suicide, so. (Beat) NO! I had nothing to do with that either!! (Knock at the door) Okay, I gotta go, honey. Love you.

 

(Rob hangs up his phone and walks over, looks through the peephole, and sees Bonnie holding a bottle of champagne. Rob opens up the door)

 

BONNIE: I was thinking we could celebrate our reconciliation.

 

(Rob closes the door, and Bonnie sets the champagne bottle on the TV stand)

 

ROB: Plus, a great shooting day. We really brought out the best in one another.

 

(Bonnie grabs two champagne flutes from the mini fridge)

 

BONNIE: Too bad the movie’s a piece of shit.

 

(Bonnie pours the champagne glasses and pushes one toward Rob. He lifts it up)

 

 ROB: But we pushed it out exquisitely. Like Prince Phillip sneaking a quick dump in the woods during a fox hunt. (Bonnie smirks and they clink their glasses and drink) Where’d you get this?

 

BONNIE: Bought it off a janitor.  Not a lot of liquor stores in this area, but he had some in his little cart.

 

ROB: …He’s an alcoholic who abuses…champagne?

 

BONNIE: Wait a minute, you’re not supposed to be drinking, are you?

 

ROB: Oh. A little champagne on occasion isn’t a big deal, I’ve decided.

 

BONNIE: What does your sponsor say?

 

ROB: I don’t know, he hasn’t been returning my calls. His sponsor says he gets like this.

 

(Bonnie sips her champagne)

 

BONNIE: You know, in the orphanage, we were only allowed one can of soda a week. But one of the janitors would sneak us extras, on the condition that we do little dances for him.

 

ROB: I’m relieved at where that sentence ended up.

 

BONNIE: This is what I would usually do.

 

(Bonnie puts her champagne flute down, she gets on her tip toes and spins around, her leg almost up near her shoulder. She completes her spin, does another, then extends her leg out as she spins. She then lands on both her feet AND curtsies. Rob gives a golf clap)

 

ROB: What soda would you usually get?

 

BONNIE: Mountain Dew Code Red.

 

ROB: …They had that back then?

 

BONNIE: Back then? It was the early 2000s.

 

ROB: I guess I just imagine all orphanages being in the 30s. (Beat) Where’d you learn to do that?

 

BONNIE: Our headmaster was a former ballet instructor, she taught us some moves. I still have dancer’s toes.

 

(Bonnie sits down on the bed and removes her shoes and socks, showing her narrowed toes. Rob looks down at them. He sits next to Bonnie on the bed)

 

ROB: That’s crazy-

 

(Bonnie starts making out with Rob. Rob indulges for a few moments, but Rob pulls away suddenly)

 

BONNIE: What?

 

ROB: …This is a bad idea.

 

(Bonnie gulps, she straps her shoes back on and stands up)

 

BONNIE: See you on set, tomorrow, I fucking guess.

 

ROB: Look forward to it.

 

(Bonnie marches out of the hotel room. Cut to Kevin in the shower, with his eyes closed, clearly jerking off below camera. Kevin braces, and lets out a moan. Cut to Kevin squirting some soap into his hand. He starts washing his hands under the faucet, wearing only a towel. There’s a knock at the door. Kevin grabs a towel and washes his hands off. He walks out of the bathroom and looks through the peephole. He sees Evelyn)

 

KEVIN: Oh, shit. One second!

 

(Kevin runs over to the bed and grabs a t-shirt and jeans out of a suitcase. He slips on underwear, jeans, and an Alien AIDs & Human Slaves t-shirt. He walks over to the door and opens it)

 

EVELYN: Hello.

 

KEVIN: Sorry, I said “oh, shit”, not because I didn’t want to see you, just because I didn’t expect it- it was “oh, shit” but like in a good way, if that makes sense-

 

EVELYN: That’s okay, just try not to do it again.

 

KEVIN: Of course.

 

EVELYN: Listen, it’s impractical, and not to mention inconsiderate to my partner’s feelings, for anything of a sexual or romantic nature to transpire between us.

 

KEVIN: You know, I was gonna say the same thing. Verbatim.

 

EVELYN: However, I typed my phone number into a word document, printed it out, and excised it so it may fit neatly into your wallet. (Evelyn takes out her number, 916-455-9940, printed on an excised piece of copier paper) Call me when you’d like.

 

KEVIN: Thanks. I look forward to being friends.

 

(Evelyn nods and leaves. Kevin looks at the number, he smirks and then sticks it in his wallet. Cut to Whitney supervising stage hands as they put together a set that resembles the bow of a spaceship, with a big window overlooking a green screen)

 

WHITNEY: Guys, you gotta make the doorways taller, or Rob will flip out that you think he’s short. Come on.

 

(Miles walks over holding an iPad and pointing frantically at it)

 

MILES: LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

 

(Whitney Stone glances at a minor sub-article on Deadline.com- “’Alien AIDs’ Cast, Crew Complain of ‘Tyrannical’ Director in Grothman”)

 

WHITNEY: Jesus Christ, why did we even let him on set?!

 

MILES: YOU said it would be good publicity!

 

WHITNEY: That was up to YOU! Luckily, no one gives a shit about this movie, so we don’t have to fire you or anything.

 

MILES: Great. I’m too irrelevant to even be scandalous! (Scoffs) This motherfucker Ryan Pelliet LIED to me!

 

(Miles storms off. Rob and Bonnie enter from different sides of the set. Bonnie is sipping on a coffee, looking miserable. Rob is pulling on a Juul, and lazily blows it sideways)

 

WHITNEY: You guys ready?

 

BONNIE: Whatever.

 

ROB: How long is this gonna take? (Whitney furrows her brow, confused. Cut to McKenzie standing outside the studio, puffing on a cig. Rob walks out the back door and sidles up to her) I desperately need one of those.

 

(McKenzie takes out the pack of cigarettes, pulls one out and hands it to Rob)

 

MCKENZIE: What was with you and Bonnie today? You guys were doing so well yesterday.

 

ROB: You know, it’s hard to fundamentally change in your late 30s.

 

MCKENZIE: You’re 41.

 

ROB: Which makes it even harder.

 

MCKENZIE: Did something happen?

 

ROB: No, but it almost did.

 

(Beat)

 

MCKENZIE: I don’t understand guys like you, why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?

 

ROB: Who are we really talking about here? I didn’t do anything, she did.

 

MCKENZIE: Why do I HAVE to trust Kevin?! I’ve been trying to trust him, trust me, but trust is earned, and yeah, it’s been a year since he’s fooled around, if you trust what he’s saying, but sometimes I gotta trust my gut, and my gut tells me that Kevin cannot be trusted, not yet.

 

ROB: I want my assets to go to some people eventually, but I don’t want them to know what’s in store for them, what do you suggest?

 

MCKENZIE: A blind trust. I mean, have you noticed how chummy Kevin and Evelyn have been?!

 

ROB: You can’t deny they wouldn’t have a great celebrity couple name. Evin. It’s already a name, even.

 

MCKENZIE: Wouldn’t it be- you know what? Fuck you for even making me think about those two together.

 

ROB: They’re just friends! Nothing wrong with it. Unless sex is involved, in which case, Kevin’s relationship with both of you is fucked.

 

MCKENZIE: We’ve had sex. We’re still friends.

 

(Rob contemplates this, as he takes a drag of his cigarette)

 

ROB: …That’s true. (Beat) So, Kevin and Evelyn’s friendship has a chance, after all.

 

MCKENZIE: Jesus Christ.

 

(McKenzie throws down her cig, stamps it out, and walks back inside. Cut to Miles sitting in his car, yelling into his flip phone)

 

MILES: YOU LIED TO ME!!

 

RYAN: (On the phone) At no point, did I ever tell you, that my article would be flattering.

 

MILES: YOU IMPLIED IT THROUGH YOUR FRIENDLY DEMEANOR, MOTHERFUCKER!!  You’re like, like, like, the journalistic equivalent of a SLUT!

 

RYAN: You’re the one who put out the information, dude, if anything, I’m the John.

 

MILES: FUCK YOU! How am I ever gonna be taken seriously with this DRIVEL in the press?!

 

RYAN: Mr. Grothman, I’m not your publicist. Next time, don’t let a Deadline reporter on the goddamn set, genius. Bye.

 

(Ryan hangs up. Miles angrily throws his cell phone on the ground. Cut to Whitney speaking with a stage hand in front of the set)

 

WHITNEY: We’re gonna have to shoot through the debate, but can you go upstairs and watch it and text me the CRAZIEST lines, and then draft my live tweets about them, and  then send them to me so I can give you the okay, or give you notes, if necessary?

 

STAGE HAND: I came to Hollywood hoping to direct war dramas.

 

WHITNEY: Great, thanks Scott, I really appreciate it, it’s room 218, I think.

 

(Scott walks away. Miles walks over to Whitney)

 

MILES: …This cocksucker at Deadline ruined my reputation, like it was nothing! And then he MOCKED me for it! I could crush his balls in my hand, the little fucker!

 

WHITNEY: Miles. For Christ’s sake. (Whitney takes Miles aside) First of all, I can’t tell if you’re angry or horny-

 

MILES: BOTH!

 

WHITNEY: But this punk didn’t ruin your reputation. He may have harmed the company’s, but not yours.

 

MILES: Why’s that?

 

WHITNEY: Your reputation was already soiled beyond salvage, bud.

 

MILES: I appreciate that, Whitney, thanks.

 

WHITNEY: No! (Whitney turns Miles towards herself) Miles, why do you want legitimacy from these snobs, anyway?! You could never get it unless you completely transformed who you are! My favorite part about you is that you don’t give a fuck! You’re unapologetically YOU. Don’t change that to accommodate these assholes, just do your thing. (Miles sighs and looks up at her) Preferably now because we’re already insanely behind.

 

(Whitney pushes Miles toward the set and walks away. Miles smirks, and walks toward the set, where a cadre of white actors wearing rags and space helmets are standing there, looking at him)

 

MILES: …You ready, space slaves?

 

(They all grumble. Cut to Kevin and McKenzie sitting on the bed in their hotel room, watching the second and final Presidential debate on television, between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden)

 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: I am the least racist person- I can’t even see the audience because it’s so dark! But I don’t care who’s in the audience, I’m the least racist person in this room.

 

MCKENZIE: What if Nelson Mandela is somewhere back there, Mr. President?

 

KEVIN: Yeah, dude, what if MLK’s ghost decided to catch this shit-show live and in-person?

 

(McKenzie scoffs)

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Abraham Lincoln here is one of the most racist Presidents we’ve had in modern history. He pours fuel on every, single, racist fire. Every single one. Started off his campaign, coming down the escalator, saying he’s gonna get rid of those “Mexican rapists”. He’s banned Muslims because they’re Muslims! He has moved around and made everything worse, across the board. He says- to, about the Poor Boys, last time we were on stage here, he said I’d told ‘em to “stand down and stand ready”. Come on! This guy has got a dog whistle about as big as a foghorn!

 

(McKenzie gets up)

 

MCKENZIE: Biden’s right, but like, he also wrote the fucking crime bill!

 

KEVIN: Get over it, you lost, Bernie bro.

 

MCKENZIE: Ugh. I’m gonna take a shower, I can’t stand listening to these clowns. THIS- (McKenzie points to the television screen) cannot be the best we can do.

 

(Kevin grabs McKenzie’s hand)

 

KEVIN: I know, Kenz. I know.

 

(McKenzie nods and clutches Kevin’s hand. She walks to the bathroom and closes the door. Kevin smirks, as he goes back to watching the debate. He hears a text tone, and he checks his phone, and sees Evelyn has sent an image. McKenzie walks into the room)

 

MCKENZIE: Hey, can you throw me my conditioner-? (Kevin opens the text Evelyn sent him. It’s a picture of her bare breasts, accompanied by the text “Do you think I should have this lump checked out”? Kevin screams and throws the phone across the room) What?!

 

KEVIN: NOTHING! (Kevin runs over and grabs his phone) It was, uh, one of those videos with the jump-scares. Like, from the old days of the internet, you remember that shit? With the ghoulish old woman? (Kevin laughs nervously. McKenzie is puzzled. Kevin grabs some conditioner out of McKenzie’s bag, and throws it to her) There ya go.

 

(McKenzie catches it)

 

MCKENZIE: …Thanks…

 

(McKenzie takes a beat, but then walks back into the bathroom and shuts the door. Kevin leans against the wall, and runs his hand through his hair, with a look of high anxiety. Cut to Miles sitting in the director’s chair. He’s chugging a bottle of Gatorade, which he then finishes and throws aside)

 

MILES: Okay, if you actually read the script instead of just skimming it, you’d know this is the moment where Manscapula resurrects Comarella and kisses her passionately. Are we ready?

 

(Cut to Rob and Bonnie, both in costume, on a laboratory set, listening to Miles. Bonnie is sitting in a translucent tube, decorated with buttons and switches)

 

BONNIE: Can we get a stunt double for the kiss? And can they be paid as much as Rob is being paid?

 

MILES: No, I want this between you two. That won’t be a problem, will it?

 

ROB: Nope.

 

BONNIE: Whatever.

 

MILES: Splendid. Do the scene.

 

CAMERAMAN: Does that mean “action”, Miles?

 

MILES: DO THE SCENE!

 

(Rob turns a knob. Bonnie is convulsing wildly. Rob places his hand upon the glass, covering one of her breasts)

 

ROB: Comarella! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! (As Bonnie continues to convulse- a stage hand surreptitiously tears her shirt off, leaving her topless, except for two pasties covering her nipples) Oh, GOD! I gotta get her out of there before the machine undresses her completely!

 

(Rob presses a big red button, pries open the door to the machine, as cameras swing around to capture this moment. Bonnie opens her eyes wearily)

 

BONNIE: …Manscapula…is that you, my love? Will my head grace your pectorals once again?!

 

ROB: Your head will grace more than that, my love.

 

(Rob pulls Bonnie out of the machine, and dips her, giving her an extremely passionate kiss. Cut to a reaction shot of Miles. His eyes are wide. Zoom out, and Whitney, McKenzie, Evelyn, Luther and all the cast and crew are amazed. Rob brings Bonnie back up, and she’s completely speechless. Rob looks over at Miles. Miles snaps out of his shock)

 

MILES: Uh, cut. That’s a wrap for you guys today, thank you.

 

(Rob bends down and grabs Bonnie’s shirt and hands it to her. She wraps it around her breasts, covering them up. Rob extends his hand)

 

ROB: Good work today.

 

(Bonnie nods and shakes Rob’s hand)

 

BONNIE: Same.

 

ROB: See ya around.

 

(Rob walks away and goes over toward craft services and starts eating finger sandwiches. Bonnie looks over at Miles)

 

BONNIE: You better not be expecting that quality going forward, Grothman.

 

(Miles puts his hands up in the air. “Rapture” by Deftones comes in as we cut to credits)

 

THE END


Submitted: October 27, 2020

© Copyright 2020 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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