Mooselight Serenade (screenplay)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Ne'er-do-well teen brothers try to rescue camp cuties from monster moose stampede in the wilds of Maine. Cutest durn script you'll ever read.

Copyright 2004 by Ronald V. Micci PAu 3-806-089 ("Collected Screenplays")

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NORTHEAST - MORNING

July. Plenty of heat. And two teenage brothers on the move hefting backpacks -- PETE and JARVIS HEFFERNAN -- en route to summer school. Past grassy lawns. Under leafy trees. Jarvis has a laptop computer tucked under his arm.

TRUMPET FANFARE: WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE

JARVIS (V.O.) It all began, not so innocently, with this teacher, who was a real hottie.

A hot car zooms up beside them. A Corvette. With damaged pop-up lights and SALSA MUSIC BLARING from the radio. The driver is an awesomely built, voluptuous woman in her 30s -- MISS RODRIGUEZ. This year's designated summer school proctor.

MISS RODRIGUEZ Hiya, babies.

She nails it and the Vette SCREECHES out of sight.

JARVIS (V.O.) A computer gone haywire --

The LAPTOP under his arm begins to SHAKE, CRACKLE and shoot off weird SPARKS. He juggles this hot potato, manages to subdue it.

JARVIS (V.O.) And an older brother who questioned the feasibility of divine intervention.

He and Pete exchange suspicious looks.

JARVIS (V.O.) Armageddon. The big bad apocalypse. Or, as I had come to call it -- the Big Event. Just your typical end to Western civilization as we know it.

He throws us an exaggerated smile. They continue on their way.

JARVIS (V.O.) Not exactly what you might expect on the first day of summer school, but then isn't that what we're all really hoping for -- something larger than life, something that will change the whole equation?

They pass two of their schoolmates, TED WILLIS and PERRY KING, who are lounging decadently in lawn chairs sipping mint juleps.

TED Hey, look at Jarvis. Hey Jarvis?

He flips him the proverbial bird. Laughs derisively.

JARVIS I need this? (a beat) Hey Punkoid? He pops him the bird.

JARVIS And, of course, there were the usual temptations.

A pair of teenage sweeties, LUCY and ANDREA, are clinging to the front stoop, somewhat seductive in their aimlessness.

LUCY (waving) Hiya, Jarvis. She slides her tongue salaciously over her lips.

JARVIS (V.O.) Anyway, that's what we were hoping for on this torrid July morning -- something that would upset the apple cart, overturn the status quo and deliver us from this terrible fate. And we were about to get it, oh yeah. We were about to get it in spades. One thing you could most assuredly say -- big bad Armageddon was on the way.

His computer acts up again -- SPUTTERS, throws off sparks.

JARVIS Shit.

He struggles to control it. Turns to Pete.

JARVIS It's been doing this since yesterday. I don't know what's going on, but it's beginning to freak me.

The computer has fallen silent.

PETE Let me take a look at it.

He appropriates the computer. Pauses a careful beat. Looks inside. ZAP! SPUTTER! WHAM! The thing's going crazy again, and there's a LARGE, DARK, OMINOUS CLOUD on the screen. He wants no part of it, snaps it shut. Throws a look at Jarvis. Hands it back. A moment.

JARVIS So come on, what does it mean?

PETE Don't look at me.

JARVIS Computers don't just explode. You saw that dark wave.

PETE Yeah. And some things maybe it's better we don't know. Come on, let's get going.

They start on their way.

JARVIS On the other hand, this might be something good. I mean, in a perverse way. Consider this could well be the long-awaited big event. Some sort of cataclysm.

PETE And that's good?

JARVIS For screw-ups like us, this could be our big chance. You know, something that levels the playing field.

Pete is skeptical.

JARVIS You're not buying it?

There is a slight pause.

JARVIS You'll see.

They've reached the intersection. Across the way is the modern brick edifice known as SOMERVILLE HIGH SCHOOL. A familiar white Corvette takes the corner and THUNDERS to a stop directly in front of them, cutting off their path. Out pops Miss Rodriguez, ample breasts bouncing, briefcase in hand.

MISS RODRIGUEZ Hiya, babies.

She throws them a hot little wink, starts up the walk. Meanwhile, a bunch of other guys gathered on the lawn catch sight of her and go heavy on the CATCALLS. She gives them provocative winks, working every ample inch of hips and thighs, and she disappears inside the place.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

A burly looking SECURITY COP is stationed at a desk inside the entranceway next to a metal detector. Kids are jostling for position on line to pass through.

SECURITY COP Hey, no pushing.

Jarvis and Pete appear, eye the proceedings. The Cop addresses the first guy in line.

SECURITY COP Dump it out. He empties his backpack on the table. The Cop quickly goes through it, nods. Waves the kid through. Then hands him the backpack once he has cleared the metal detector. Jarvis and Pete step forward.

SECURITY COP All right -- let's go.

As Jarvis deposits the contents of the backpack, he slips a BUCK ROGERS PLASTIC LASER GUN out of it and hides it behind his back. The Cop sorts through the debris. Waves him through.

SECURITY COP Okay.

With laser gun hidden, Jarvis clears the metal detector. The Cop hands him his backpack.

SECURITY COP Next.

Jarvis and Pete high-five it down the hall, as Jarvis stashes the laser gun in the backpack.

INT. THE CLASSROOM

About a dozen disgruntled kids, most of them guys, stream in, bang around, stake out seats. Pete and Jarvis are among them.

PETE Back there.

They take their seats.

PETE Hey?

He points. Up front, Miss Rodriguez is fooling with a cheap plastic TRANSISTOR RADIO she has removed from her briefcase. Those breasts are abundantly on display.

MISS RODRIGUEZ All right, babies, Miss Rodriguez says it's get-down time.

She snaps on the radio and FIERY SALSA MUSIC explodes from it. She gets into it, hips swaying, breasts bobbing, doing a provocative little dance. Jarvis opens his laptop.

JARVIS (V.O.) Yeah, things were getting pretty crazy, and suddenly there was an urgent message beaming in on my computer screen.

COMPUTER SCREEN: ATTENTION GUYS! HELP. HURRY.  MEET BY THE LAKE. HEAD HONCHO ARMED AND DANGEROUS. COME QUICKLY. MOOSE LAKE. SWEET SIXTEEN AND ACHING TO BE KISSED -- ADDIE AND JADE -- THE GIRLS OF CAMP WACHUMEE

JARVIS (V.O.) And I was starting to put two and two together. A call for help from a couple of camp cuties somewhere in the wilds.

The laptop RUMBLES. That familiar DARK WAVE appears on the screen. Marches toward the email message, threatening to engulf it.

JARVIS (V.O.) An ominous dark cloud bearing down on them. It was all making sense, all right. And there was only one thing to do. It was come-to-the-rescue, breakout time, babies.

He seizes his backpack. Roots around inside it. Finds his trusty laser gun.

JARVIS Yoo-hoo, teach -- question?

Miss Rodriguez lowers the volume on the radio.

MISS RODRIGUEZ Yes, baby?

JARVIS What did the camshaft say to the out-of-control drive train?

MISS RODRIGUEZ I don't know.

He takes aim at the overhead fluorescents --

JARVIS Gimme a -- break!

And FIRES! The laser beam sizzles through the air. Nails those vulnerable overheads -- SMASH! -- and a blinding shower of glass sprays everywhere. Kids break wildly for the exits. The light fixtures have begun to rock back and forth, threatening to break loose.  And they do, pulling away from the ceiling, crashing down on the fleeing kids. An astonished Miss Rodriguez looks on helplessly.

MISS RODRIGUEZ Babies, babies????

But a certain pair of mischievous babies have already beat it out of there.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HEFFERNAN HOUSE - DAY

Two COPS ring the front doorbell. Pause. The door opens, and GINGER HEFFERNAN, fortyish mother to Jarvis and Pete, greets them.

COP #1 Yeah -- this the Heffernan residence?

GINGER That's right.

COP #1 Nice place. That the doc's office over there?

Ginger doesn't like the sound of this.

GINGER What is it you want?

COP #2 Nice guy, the doc. I've heard only good things about him. (to Cop #2) You?

COP #2 nods.

COP #1 But, about the two boys, I don't know.

This is rubbing Ginger the wrong way.

GINGER What is this?

COP #2 They home?

---END OF EXCERPT--


Submitted: October 28, 2020

© Copyright 2020 Ron Micci. All rights reserved.

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Mooselight Serenade (screenplay)

Monster moose stampede threatens girls' camp in the wilds of Maine, but two ne'er-do-well brothers to the rescue!! Part of screenplay collection.

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