The World's First Loser

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Scientists have discovered evidence of losers populating our planet as far back as ancient cavemen times. The earliest recorded history of a loser came in the form of paintings on a cave wall in some jungle someplace where it’s really hot. The scientists who came to this conclusion studied cave illustrations and other scientific evidence to determine the story behind the world's first loser. His name was Zonk.

Zonk was a simple caveman whose life consisted of two activities he enjoyed more than anything he’d ever known. Swinging his club and grunting.  It was very difficult for him to decide which one brought him the most pleasure, so he tried to do both for equal amounts of time every day.

 

One morning, he was busy chasing animals through the jungle.  As Zonk ran after the animals grunting and swinging his club there couldn’t have been a happier caveman anywhere in the world.  Hearing a sound from a nearby lake, Zonk decided to investigate.  He never knew what new and exciting things he could grunt and swing his club at, but he was always looking for something different.

 

When Zonk carefully moved back some foliage, he saw a naked cavewoman swimming in the lake.

The cavewoman's name was Hubahuba.  She was a rather attractive cavewoman having most of her teeth and all only a few scars from being hit in the head and dragged back to a caveman’s cave.  She thought she recognized Zonk as the cavemen who lived in one of the better parts of the jungle.  Hubahuba was very interested in getting something people called fire.  All the really cool cave people had recently gotten fire, and she reasoned that if Zonk came from one of the better parts of the jungle, then he would surely be able to get her some fire.  Hubahuba decided to swim seductively around the lake and act like she didn’t know Zonk was watching her.

 

Zonk watched Hubahuba and began to feel very confused.  This naked female cavewoman swimming in the lake caused his throat to go dry, his breathing to increase and certain parts of his anatomy to react like it never had before.  This feeling was more powerful than the joy he experienced from swinging his club and grunting.

 

His mother was a female but had never caused his throat to go dry.  There was that time she got angry at him for painting something bad about his sister on the cave wall and made him sit facing the back of the cave.  His sister was a female but had never caused his breathing to increase.  There was the time she hid his club, forgot where it was, and teased him about his grunting.  These things caused Zonk to feel intense emotions, but nothing like he experienced when watching the naked cavewoman swimming in the lake.  It was quite different.

 

After a few minutes, Zonk knew he had to do something.  Doing the only thing that came natural, Zonk began swinging his club and grunting.  He did this facing Hubahuba as she swam in the lake.

Hubahuba had experienced more than one caveman in her time.  When she sees Zonk swinging his club and grunting she rolls her eyes and sighs.

 

“Another guy who’s never taken a girl back to his cave before.  Why do I always have to be every caveman’s first experience?  This one better be able to get me some fire or I’m really going to be upset.”

 

Hubahuba swims to the edge of the lake and gets out.  She hides behind some bushes and slowly puts on her animal skins. When she comes out, she smiles at Zonk and says, “I saw you watching me swim in the lake without my animal skins on.  You naughty, naughty boy.”

 

Zonk’s face begins to turn red, and he looks down on the ground and begins moving his feet.

“Say, don’t I know you?” says Hubahuba.

 

Zonk tilts his head to one side and gives her an inquisitive look.  He understands what she is saying, but nobody in his family has ever asked him to speak words.  They all understand his grunts.  This woman seems so advanced to him.

 

“Aren’t you one of the people who live in the really beautiful caves on the other side of the volcano?”

Zonk nods his head and smiles.

 

“Yeah, I thought I saw you over there before.  Do you know a guy named Gorg?  He’s a real jerk, but I think he lives in that area.”

 

Zonk moves his head back and forth and grunts “Nuh huh.”

 

“I bet every cavewoman around here knows about Gorg.  My name is Hubahuba and what might be your name?”

 

Zonk began swinging his club, grunting and pointing to himself and saying “Zonk.  Me Zonk.”

 

“Zonk is a very wonderful name.  Tell me what were you born under?  The dark, the light, a rock?  You look like a rock guy to me.  Were you born under the sign of the rock?”

 

Although he has no idea what she is talking about, Zonk acts like he agrees with Hubahuba and grunts with a smile.

 

“Me too.  See how much we have in common?”

 

It is becoming very apparent to Zonk this is time to make some kind of move on Hubahuba.  He doesn't actually know what move to make since he has already swung his club and grunted.  For some reason unknown to Zonk, those things just don't seem to be enough.  Zonk is quickly becoming nervous and very confused.

 

“I think you’re really cute, Zonk.  Do you like me?”

 

Zonk nods in the affirmative.

 

“Have you ever taken a female back to your cave?”

 

Zonk squints his eyes and begins looking around feeling very confused.

 

“I mean besides your mother or sister?”

 

Zonk grunted, “Nuh huh.”

 

Hubahuba slowly put her arm around Zonk.  He feels his heart race.  Zonk doesn't know if he can stand or even swing his club.  Grunting feels difficult for him at the moment.

 

“How about you take me back to your cave?  I’m sure it’s a very nice place.  We could relax and do whatever we want.  Just me and you alone in your cave.  What do you say?”

 

Zonk looks at Hubahuba and is motionless.  His club slips from his hands and falls to the ground.  Drool makes its way from the corner of his mouth and travels down his face.  He had never before thought about being alone with a beautiful cavewoman in his cave.

 

Hubahuba is losing her patients.

 

“Can we go now?  Is that all right?”

 

Zonk nods his head up and down.  He tries to run toward his cave.  Hubahuba grabs the animal skin Zonk is wearing before he can leave.

 

“Zonkie, I know you’ve never done this before, so you don’t know what to do.  Right now is the time you hit me in the head and drag me back to your cave.”

 

Looking at his club and looking at Hubahuba he feels strange.

 

“I know it’s not easy the first time, but it's time you learn.  Just hit me in the head and drag me back to the cave like your father did to your mother.”

 

Zonk lifts his club but can't bring himself to hit Hubahuba in the head.  With her last bit of understanding, Hubahuba put her hands about Zonk’s as he holds the club.  She then helps him hit her in the head.  Hubahuba then gives him her hair, falls to the ground, and shows him how to drag her back to the cave.

 

When Zonk is dragging Hubahuba back to his cave, he feels different.  This is the first woman he has ever hit in the head and taken back to his cave.  He has heard about such things on the other side of the volcano when he was growing up.  Caveguys, a little older than him, would always brag about all the women they’d hit in the head and dragged back to their caves.  They would talk endlessly about how big their clubs were and how women liked the way they used them.  At that time, Zonk was a little envious of those guys.  Now, he can't believe such a thing is happening to him.

 

Zonk thinks about what his mother might say.  She’d always told him not to hit a woman in the head and drag her back to his cave while he was so young.  His mother just didn’t understand.  His father had hit her in the head and pulled her back to their family cave a very long time ago.  She just didn’t know what it was like to be a young caveguy.  Zonk feels it isn't his fault if women want him to use his big club.

 

Zonk's mother didn’t have to know.  There shouldn’t be anyone at the cave.  His mother and sister should be on the other side of the volcano collecting berries and his father would be out hunting.  He could take Hubahuba back to his cave and do whatever it is she has in mind.  Not knowing what to expect made Zonk extremely curious.  Maybe she’d be happy to see his latest animal skins.  He could show her the spare club he recently made and never used.  Zonk is also very proud of his collection of rocks he had to throw at his sister.  He thinks this may not be the reason Hubahuba wants to go back to his cave. Not knowing makes him try to guess.

 

Hubahuba hates how Zonk is dragging her back to his cave.  Other caveguys who took her back to their caves for the first time were always clumsy and rough.  An experienced caveguy would avoid the rocks and stay on the smooth paths.  Her mind drifted to Gorg who would stop and pick flowers for her on the way back to his cave.  He never scratched himself or spit on things like the other caveguys.  He had stolen her heart, but she knew Gorg was probably dragging another cavewoman back to his cave at this very moment.  A caveguy who knows how to hit a woman in the head would always have many females.  She knows Zonk is trying, but he lacks experience. 

 

She hopes fire is worth enduring Zonk.  Her other two sisters had steady caveguys and bragged about the fire they had.  It would keep their caves warm at night, they could cook food on it.  Animals were also scared of fire and it would make it possible to see things when it's dark.  Hubahuba wants some fire before everybody has it.  She will show her sisters and mother that she can get fire without them.

Walking into the cave Zonk carefully lets go of Hubahuba.  She stands up, smiles at Zonk, and begins to walk around the cave.

 

“Oh, Zonkie I just love the cave you have here.  All these things you’ve painted on the walls are wonderful, especially the things about your sister.  You’re quite the artist, aren’t you?”

 

Zonk swings his club and grunts.  He runs to the back of the cave, gets his animal skins, and shows them to Hubahuba.

 

Ooooh, saber tooth tiger, bear, woolly mammoth.  You’re quite a hunter aren’t you Zonkie?”

Zonk smiles and grunts.

 

“Do you have any of the new stuff called fire?”

 

Zonk tilts his head to one side and looks at Hubahuba feeling rather confused.

 

Hubahuba forces a smile and says, “Oh you know about fire, don’t you?  It’s those little dancing yellow and orange flames things some people cook their food on.  It keeps your cave warm, lets you see things at night and all the really cool cave people have it.  I’m sure you’ve heard of fire.”

 

Zonk’s father had promised his mother they’d get fire as soon as he had enough skins to trade with the fire maker in the valley.  Until that happened, they would just do without fire like they always had before.  His father said if his mother wants to cook their food she can take it to his uncle’s cave.  His uncle had just recently gotten fire but didn’t say where he got it.  He told everyone it was through a friend of a friend.

 

Hubahuba slowly goes over to Zonk and smiles as she puts her arm around him.

 

“Zonkie why don’t you be a dear and go get Hubahuba some fire?  I’m sure you know where to get it because you live in one of the best caves around the volcano.”

 

Keeping eye contact with Zonk Hubahuba began to gently stroke Zonk’s hair.

 

“It would make me so happy if I could see those little yellow and orange flames just dance and bounce around on a log.  I know you would like it if I were happy wouldn’t you Zonkie?”

 

Zonk drops his club and attempts to grunt.  The only sound he can make is a squeal.  Hubahuba keeps stroking his hair and Zonk keeps moving his arms without his club and squealing.

 

“If you don’t have any here you could go out and get some, couldn’t you?

 

Hubahuba moves head as if he is nodding in agreement.  Hubahuba leaves Zonk and stands by the opening of the cave.

 

“Well, that settles it.  You can go get the fire.  I’ll stay here and wait for your return.  Now don’t be too long Zonkie.  I like to be in my cave before dark.  Too many wild animals running around that can give a cavegirl trouble.  Know what I mean?”

 

Zonk grunts.  He begins to run out of the cave, but stops and then comes back and gets his club.  When he stops Hubahuba kisses him on the head and winks at him.

 

“Remember Zonkie, I’ll be waiting.”

 

*****************

 

As he emerges from the cave Zonk is swinging his club and grunting like a caveman who is possessed.  He now has to get some fire.  Dancing yellow and orange flames bouncing around on a log, Hubahuba being happy, very happy.  It didn’t matter if he had no idea what she meant, this was going to be something good.

 

Zonk eventually gets tired of running and swinging his club.  This wasn’t getting him any fire.  If other cave people saw him acting this way, they might think he has eaten some of the forbidden weed.

He knows his uncle has fire but Zonk doesn't really like him.  Zonk hates how his uncle always talks about all his caves and how he is such a good hunter and catcher of fish.  He constantly talks about how he has enough skins to get anything he wants.  His uncle is always trying to teach Zonk how to hunt and fish.  Zonk always tells his uncle his father has taught him how to do those things just fine.  But Zonk needs fire to make Hubahuba happy, very happy.  He decides there was no way left but to go to his uncle’s cave and ask for some fire.

 

Hubahuba is getting very bored waiting for Zonk at the cave.  She is angry with herself for being in this situation.  She’d swam naked in the lake before and never had gotten such an inexperienced caveguy like Zonk.  Not only did he not know how to hit a girl in the head and drag her back to his cave, Zonk didn’t even have fire as she wanted.  How could he not have fire when he lives in such a lovely cave on the good side of the volcano?  Hubahuba decides to walk outside and see Zonk is coming with fire.  If she can't see him, Hubahuba believes it will be time to go back to the lake.

 

Outside the cave, she sees a caveman, but it isn’t Zonk.  She recognizes this caveguy.  His animal skins look so good on him and his club is very new and shiny.  Her heart races when she realizes it is Gorg.  He is the only caveguy to ever break her heart.  Hubahuba’s throat is dry and parts of her anatomy are reacting to seeing Gorg like she knew they would.  When Gorg turns and sees Hubahuba, she stands motionless like a tree.  As Gorg approaches, she tries to maintain her composure.

“So, Gorg, how are you?  Long time no see.”

 

Gorg could feel the excitement he has caused to build in Hubahuba.  He just smiles and grunts.

 

“If you must know why I’m here, a very wonderful caveguy called Zonk hit me in the head and has dragged me back to his cave.”

 

Gorg starts laughing.

 

 

“It’s not funny.  Zonk is a very sweet and kind caveguy.  Unlike some caveguys I know.”

Gorg shrugs his shoulders and begins walking away.  Hubahuba’s heart begins to break once again.  She doesn't want to lose Gorg.  No matter how badly he treated her, Gorg was the one caveguy she truly wanted.

 

“Gorg come back.”

 

Gorg turns around and walks back to Hubahuba.  He stands in front of her looking angry and grunts.

 

"Oh Gorg, you know how I feel about you.  Those times you’d hit me in the head and drag me back to your cave were special.  I’ll never forget the mating dances we did and eating the forbidden weed.  Can’t we give it just one more try?  You and me at your cave.  Hey, do you have fire?  All I want is to have some fire like my mother and sisters.”

 

Gorg looks at Hubahuba and smiles.

 

“You do have fire?”

 

Gorg nods his head up and down in agreement.

 

“What are we waiting for?  Let’s go back to your cave.”

 

She puts her arm around Gorg and speaks in a low voice.

 

“It’s been so long since I’ve done the mating dance, I think I need practice.  Know what I mean?”

 

giggles and begins to rub Gorg’s club.  He takes it, hits Hubahuba in the head, and begins dragging her back to his cave.  Hubahuba never felt so good.

 

It is a long way to his uncle’s cave, but Zonk is motivated by the prospect of keeping Hubahuba happy.  He makes it there in record time.  Running into the cave Zonk can see his uncle sitting around fire burning in a pit.  Yellow flames danced on the wooden logs.  Zonk can feel the warmth and see farther back in the cave than he could before.  He thinks fire would be a good thing to have.

Zonk’s uncle sees him and grunts.

 

“What brings you to this part of the jungle Zonk?  Haven’t seen you for quite a while.  How’s my sister been doing?”

 

Zonk grunts.

 

“Oh, you like the fire.  Cost me enough skins to get some from the fire maker in the valley.  As you can see, it's worth it.”

 

Zonk doesn't want to tell his uncle the real reason he wants fire.  So he decides to make up a story about how the dead animals they caught would taste so much better if they could cook them on fire.  He also said he wanted to surprise his mother with fire just to make her happy.  Since this was his mother’s brother, he hoped that would influence his uncle.

 

Zonk’s uncle is a shrewd caveman.  A lot of cave people have talked about all the skins he has and how they can't figure out where he got them.  The truth is he has a deal with a caveguy who only hunts at night.  This caveguy gives Zonk’s uncle skins and Zonk’s uncle keeps the night hunting a secret.  Other cave people were looking for this guy because he’s been accused of doing a mating dance with one of the elder’s cavewomen and even giving her some of the forbidden weed.  This caveguy didn’t know he had done anything wrong until the elder found out.  They said the caveman responsible was to be put into the volcano.  Some elders always take things too seriously. 

 

Zonk states his case and smiles at his uncle in a gesture of family bonding and grunts.  His uncle begins walking around the cave.

 

“Nobody just gave me the fire Zonk, I had to give a lot of skins for it.  Skins aren’t like fruits and berries they don’t just grow on trees you know.  You’ve got to spend a lot of time chasing and hunting to get them.”

 

Zonk hangs his head as depression begins to take him over.

 

“Tell you what, I’ll give you the fire for fewer skins than what I had to give for it.  What do you think?”

Zonk shrugs his shoulders and grunts.

 

“You need it right now and all your skins are back at your cave.  How about the skin you’re wearing?”

Looking at his skin and holding it, Zonk grunts and backs away from his uncle.

 

“Zonk when I was a kid nobody wore skins.  This is something that only became popular when your mother and I were very young.   Now you can even trade with a skin maker and not even hunt for them yourselves.  Things are really changing.”

 

Hubahuba would want the fire and this was his only chance to get it for her.  Zonk decides to give his uncle the skin he is wearing.  He will take the fire and run back to the cave so quickly no one will see him. 

 

His uncle takes Zonk’s skin and hands him a burning branch.  The naked Zonk runs out of his uncle’s cave holding a club in one hand and a burning stick in the other.  His uncle is surprised at how fast Zonk leaves his cave and realizes he didn’t tell Zonk about the fire.  He stands at the edge of his cave and yells.

 

“Zonk if that flame goes out and the coals stop glowing, the fire won’t work”

 

The naked Zonk is running faster than if a wild animal was after him.  He doesn’t hear what his uncle said. Back at his parent’s cave, his sister and mother return.  They came back early from picking berries because the sun was hot, and they’d collected enough for the day.  Zonk’s father had also returned early because he was able to catch an animal on his very first try.  Zonk runs into the cave anxious to impress Hubahuba.  He sees his parents and sister, but no Hubahuba.

 

“Is that fire?” says Zonk's mother.

 

“How did you get fire,” asked Zonk's father.

 

Zonk's sister takes the fire from Zonk's hand and yells “Wait until I tell my friends that we have fire.”

Zonk realizes Hubahuba is gone.  His head sinks down and he drops his club.  Zonk doesn't even feel like throwing rocks at his sister.  He goes out of the cave.  Zonk has lost his desire to grunt and even swing his club.  He goes down to the lake and spends time being naked and feeling sorry for himself.

 

Based on cave drawings, as well as other types of scientific evidence, archaeologists and other members of the scientific community have concluded that Zonk is probably the world's first loser.


 

The End

 


Submitted: October 29, 2020

© Copyright 2020 Nevidomo Istoriya. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Ann Sepino

I have no idea what you were on while writing this, or what I was on while reading, but this story just ended me. XD You have the craziest imagination I've come across in a while, and I mean this as a compliment. Thank you for writing and sharing this. :)

Wed, November 4th, 2020 3:31am

Author
Reply

Thanks. I'm sure as a writer you also get in silly moods. That is the case here. Glad you liked it.

Wed, November 4th, 2020 4:16am

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