I am not who you want me to be

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Find yourself in this story, either you are going through it or it's in the awaiting future.
Try to be yourself and don't care about anything else. Be you.


Please Read: I know I have no skills in this but I just t wanted to share this.
Dislike if you want, ignore this if you want, like this if you want.
And if you are this. Comment or reply to me.

I have been feeling lonely lately, I feel like to not do anything but just sit, sleep and listen to sad music. I wish there were someone who I could hug and just keep her/him in my arms till I fall asleep. I honestly have been alone my whole life, like I feel it now and there is something empty in my heart which I am not being able to fulfill with the various kinds of things I am doing each day. I am masturbating everyday which does not seem to help my situation; it is just making me tired and acting as excuse for sleeping. I am also eating a lot cause I am bored and I have nothing else but to study and pretending to be prodigy my parents wants me to be. There are a lot of things I wanna do and at the same time and somedays I just want to be free of all my concerns and just go wild. I don’t know anything about myself and what I want. Sometimes, I wanna be a Chef, sometimes I wanna be free of all the shit that’s going on in my life. These days, I wish time would stop so that I could do everything and experience everything, unless I am just being overly curious and restless. Like I said, I don’t feel to be the prodigy, which I  fear might do something really bad that could hurt the people around me. I am lonely and I don’t like this feeling. Somedays, I just wanna abandon everything and be myself. I wish I could but I am scared of my true self. I am tired of people expecting high hopes of me. Frankly, I am grateful to have such a life and live everyday without the worry of supporting myself. However, my parents like to repeat themselves that they are supporting me which I hate the most in the world. Its not that I am not living up to their expectations and doing things that others of my age are enjoying. I have friends but I neglect the idea of  being too close with them as I don’t wanna disappoint them if they want me to be like their other friends. I am also an delusional person as I think people care about me or like me by the looks of how I act and present myself. This, I have developed as I shut myself from knowing people and doubting everyone influenced by the teachings of my father. I am shy as well as sometimes think that people might not want to befriend me. I also pretend to be happy and put on a happy face when interacting with people, behind that face is nothing but unbothered and arrogant person who does not care or give a fuck about anyone but him. Also, did you know, that I like to curse a lot; shit like at least 200 times a day and I just don’t seem to care and it actual feels great to curse. When I am angry or frustrated, I just imagine myself beating the shit out of everything in front of me. I would do that, but I can’t just break everything and ask for more. That’s where being independent comes in. I am lazy as fuck and I just can’t decide what to do, however I want stacks of money but I cannot at the moment as I can only concentrate on one thing at a time which is satisfying my parents by pretending to be their perfect child. People might think I am looking for an easy way out and I am not gonna deny as I am. And I just don’t give a fuck about what others think about this self of mine, only if it weren’t for my parents, I would have straight up left everything.


Submitted: October 31, 2020

© Copyright 2020 bearinpain. All rights reserved.

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