Off The Rails

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a parody.

There's a man in every neighbourhood who lacks 'testicular fortitude'. His body language gives him away. This type of dude is a shadow of a man. He walks with his head down. A sad kind of vacancy has taken all the colour out of his eyes. Just look at that posture - those round shoulders. He plods along - his gait is noisy. The man looks nothing like he did the day he got married. And the bride he once knew, he would now struggle to carry over the threshold. She blames her increasing weight gain on all the 'toxic masculinity' running amok in the world. This has her dialling for Krispy Kreme doughnuts to curb her anxiety. She also has an ovarian cyst. The bloating and water retention this causes, has a culprit, and that too, you guessed it, is down to all the televised oppression this poor woman has to deal with. She used to wear panty liners. That was when she was fit, went to the gym and they had great sex - when all that post-coital discharge seeped out of her. To look at her now, you'd think Hattie Jacques had come back to hen-peck and pussy-whip every soy boy husband on the planet. She's a battle-axe meme who's systematically chipped away at her better half. She pants, fanning herself, overheating on their leather couch. Her belly is covered in purple stretch marks. The woman - if that's what you call her - needs to shave her legs and wax her philtrum. She even has bum fluff around her jawline. All the GM foods she consumes are doing their absolute worst - playing havoc with her hormones.

 

This sorry state of affairs isn't just the reserve of the working class. The slow emasculation of some men exists within the celebrity world. MC Souleye is Alanis Morissette's husband - just one example. Big Alanis occasionally features her hubby in her videos, dressing him up in REALLY demeaning costumes. It's excruciating to watch - this grown man attempting to dance with all the awkwardness of Big Bird. The embarrassment on his face. And Alanis knows she could kick him out on the street 'cause she's got all the platinum sales and MILLIONS. For somebody to zip up in something resembling a microscopic unit of matter (albeit human cell) would, I imagine, require a lot of prompting. But Souleye does what he's told. The message behind the video is one of unity and love for their three Aryan children (Onyx, Ever and Winter) who are the 'embodiment of innocence'. Souleye, the douchebag husband, just doing it for fun. And Alanis, yodelling the kind of 'earth mother' double Dutch we expect of her nowadays. Oh look, there he is again, a prop, in the background. This time she's got him as a cut-out for stop-motion animation - while Alanis treats us to one of her tonic spasm-induced existential rants. It just makes me wanna FUCKING PUKE!!! Call yourself a man? You're a soy boy rapper who bites pillow for his wife - and you're a reacharound. Stop smiling like she's just given you a coffee enema. I'll knock all your front teeth down your throat. Fucking man-up!!! These sorry excuses for men are 'under the thumb' because they pander to the needs of an ideologue wife. And her porcine ears are like radars. She's very much in the 'blame zone'. There's even a woman-based science explaining all that 'long-suffering emotional turmoil'. She'd feel a lot better if she got off the couch once in a while - but the idiot box is a girl's best friend. And like those big swollen ankles, that 'victim complex' ain't going away. Yep, it fits oh-so-nicely into the feminist overview of JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. She is, in a nutshell, a pustule of her own self-loathing . . . with a bullfrog mouth! Science has recently come to our rescue - slam dunk! Munchausen's syndrome by proxy is the latest poster girl. I quote: In around 85% of reported cases, the child's biological mother is responsible for the abuse. That would probably explain why some boys grow up to be a little weary of their female counterparts. From a very early age, a lot of young males are abused in this fashion. Men just have to bury it, while the gynocentric spin doctors use hypochondria as their chief playing card. STOP CRYING OVER SPILT MILK. Nobody gives a flying fuck about your rallies. Some of the 'neurotoxic' misandrists are just as bad as the fringe woman-haters. But if you're looking for war, a war of words or one of increasing social unease, there's plenty of it lying around. Just don't complain if you're left in a pool of your own blood - Mexican-style. High five!


Submitted: October 31, 2020

© Copyright 2020 Jobe Rubens. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Craig Davison

Pretty tough parody, Jobe. Satire and irony are sometimes difficult to carry off. The Sooky Girl sent Monty, a local farmer, a text accusing him of being a misogynist. He turned up at my place asking me the definition, which I read from my OED. "I'm not a misogynist. I love women." Irony isn't dead; it's alive and well in Hopelesstown.

Sun, November 1st, 2020 12:27am

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