Queen of Cups (original sitcom)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

An architectural firm is force to lay off all of its staff and merge with a lingerie company, sharing headquarters. All of its staff but one -- Merilee Hudson, secretary and resident tarot reader. She is tasked with leading the company out of this mess, but finds herself in an even greater mess when the female president of the lingerie company has eyes for her boss. An original TV sitcom script.

COLD OPENING

FADE IN: EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

 A SMALL, SINGLE-STORY SUBURBAN BRICK BUILDING WITH IDENTIFIER: "ACME ARCHITECTS."

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

MARILEE HUDSON, A CUTE EMPLOYEE IN HER 20S, GLANCES UP FROM A TAROT SPREAD SHE HAS SET OUT ON THE CONFERENCE TABLE, AT RICHARD PRENTICE, A COLLEAGUE IN HIS 30S, OPPOSITE.

RICHARD Come on, Merilee, give me a good reading for a change.

MERILEE You know I always save the best readings for you.

RICHARD Yeah, but since my luck is usually rotten, how do you do it?

MERILEE Cheat.

RICHARD Last time you said I'd come into money. I totaled my car, and wound up paying a lot of money.

MERILEE I was close. So let's see how I can humor you today.

TURNS CARD: THE LOVERS.

MERILEE Oh, that's a good one. The Lovers. The sex card.

RICHARD Great. It can't possibly be my wife. (OFF A LOOK) What is it?

MERILEE Do you mind if she has issues?

RICHARD My wife or the sex card? Well, we know about my wife. What kind of issues?

MERILEE Passive aggressive.

RICHARD As long as she's binary and isn't into cross-dressing or anything too kinky.

MERILEE Well, there is one thing.

RICHARD What?

MERILEE The card is inverted.

RICHARD An upside down sex card. Well, we could do it standing on our heads.

DOOR SLAMS OPEN. GARY, A COLLEAGUE, ENTERS.

GARY Emergency meeting. Boardroom. Now.

RICHARD Or bend into funny pretzel shapes. I'll let you know how it turns out. . . . Merilee, you ever get horny?

MERILEE All the time.

RICHARD In case this one doesn't work out, well. . .

CUT TO:

INT. BOARDROOM

THERE ARE QUIZZICAL MURMURINGS AND STIRS OF TENSION IN THE AIR AS THE ACME EMPLOYEES FILE IN. THEY HURRIEDLY SEAT THEMSELVES AROUND THE BOARDROOM TABLE.

RANDALL PRESCOTT, THE COMPANY CEO, POSITIONS HIMSELF AT THE HEAD.

PRESCOTT I have an announcement to make. You're all fired.

DISBELIEF AND RUMBLINGS ABOUND. MR. PRESCOTT POINTS TO MERILEE

PRESCOTT All except you.

SHE POINTS TO HERSELF.

PRESCOTT You're coming with me. (TO THE OTHERS) We've been merged. Don't look so shocked. We haven't had a decent project since we designed an upside down cake for my daughter's graduation. Naturally, it came out right side up.

MERILEE You can't throw all of these people out of work.

PRESCOTT I just did.

MERILEE Wait, I'll prove it.

SHE QUICKLY SHUFFLES HER TAROT CARDS AND SLOWLY TURNS OVER THREE CARDS ON THE TABLE.

MERILEE He could. . . He would. . . We're screwed.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN: INT. BOARDROOM - SAME

AS BUMMED AND BEFUDDLED EMPLOYEES FILE OUT. MERILEE APPROACHES MR. PRESCOTT.

MERILEE Who are we merging with?

PRESCOTT A lingerie company.

MERILEE Lingerie? We design buildings.

PRESCOTT So we'll design buildings with big boobs. Honey, we're broke.

MERILEE Why me?

PRESCOTT Isn't it obvious? You have special powers.

MERILEE My boobs?

MR. PRESCOTT GESTURES TO TAROT CARDS.

MERILEE If my powers are so special, why didn't I foresee this?

PRESCOTT I didn't say you were Nostradamus.

MERILEE Does this mean a cut in my salary?

PRESCOTT (A SMIRK) Not if you play your cards right.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - MERILEE'S HOUSE

HER MOTHER, MRS. HUDSON, IS VACUUMING THE CARPET. MERILEE ENTERS WITH A GLUM LOOK. MRS. H CUTS OFF THE VACUUM.

MRS. HUDSON So, the all-seeing prophetess is home early. What's the matter, bad card day?

MERILEE If you want to know, I got fired. Almost.

MRS. HUDSON Almost as in horse shoes?

MERILEE Almost as in I'm the boss's chosen one.

MRS. HUDSON Sex or has he just lost his mind?

MERILEE He actually believes in my tarot readings.

MRS. HUDSON And why shouldn't he?

MERILEE I'm a charlatan who likes funny picture cards?

MRS. HUDSON Besides that.

MERILEE Look, this isn't going to make sense, but we're merging with a lingerie company.

MRS. HUDSON You're going to build skyscrapers out of panty hose?

ENTER JULIE, MERILEE'S TEENAGE SISTER, VIA FRONT DOOR.

JULIE What are you doing home?

MRS. HUDSON Merilee's had a traumatic day.

JULIE Oh really? What's the matter, your major arcana getting you down?

MERILEE No, my major pain in the ass sister. Butt out.

JULIE Ooooh, listen to her. The spirits are restless.

MRS. HUDSON Julie, Merilee is undergoing a transition at work.

MERILEE We're merging with a lingerie firm. No wisecracks.

JULIE WAVES HER HAND -- WOOOO, I'M IMPRESSED -- AND EXITS.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESCOTT'S OFFICE - DAY

A GLASS ENCLOSURE ON TWO SIDES, WITH PRESCOTT'S DESK TO OUR LEFT, AND A SMALL ADJACENT OFFICE OPPOSITE WHICH IS MERILEE'S SECRETARIAL CUBICLE, VISIBLE THROUGH THE GLASS PARTITION.

PRESCOTT IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, ADDRESSING MERILEE, AS THROUGH HIS OFFICE WINDOW AT REAR CAN BE SEEN MEN CARRYING STORE MANNEQUINS, AND WOMEN IN SKIMPY LINGERIE, DRIFTING PAST.

PRESCOTT Merilee, from now on you are going to be my personal secretary. Indeed, my visionary, my guru. (CATCHES SIGHT OF WOMAN IN SKIMPY OUTFIT PASSING BY) Unless one of them wants to be, then you'll just be another quack with a deck of cards.

(BEAT)

With your supernatural powers, you are going to lead this firm, all two of us, back to prosperity. Your communication with angelic forces, your ability to read the cards, to stir the proverbial tea leaves, will give us an edge on the competition. We can know in advance what they are going to bid. Do you follow me?

MERILEE Not if I can help it.

PRESCOTT You're going to delve into those cards and crystals. That will give us a competitive edge.

ENTER RHONDA DEVOS, A STATUESQUE, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DRESSED IN A SOMEWHAT SKIMPY BLACK LACY LINGERIE OUTFIT. SHE MODELS IT.

RHONDA You like (what you see)?

PRESCOTT LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN. EYES MERILEE, WHO TURNS A TAROT CARD. NODS. HE GIVES THUMBS UP.

RHONDA You need a tarot deck for that?

PRESCOTT I like to hedge my bets.

RHONDA (EXTENDS HANDSHAKE) Rhonda DeVos, CEO of Linda's Lazy Lingerie.

PRESCOTT Randall Prescott, Acme Architects. Our motto: If you build it, they won't come.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

RHONDA So, these are your offices?

PRESCOTT What do you think?

RHONDA Where is everyone?

PRESCOTT Oh, they, uh, went out for coffee.

MERILEE And forgot to come back. What he means is --

PRESCOTT This is everyone. That's Merilee, my resident prophetess and secretary.

MERILEE HOLDS UP TAROT CARDS.

MERILEE Different strokes for different folks.

RHONDA You know, I like that. A small, tight knit staff. Lean and mean.

MERILEE And broke.

RHONDA Which is why I come before you. Well, that and to flash a little thigh. See, you're in luck. We're planning an expansion -- you might say our cups runneth over. We want to open a series of boutiques or emporiums and we need a crack architect to design and build them.

PRESCOTT LOOKS AROUND.

RHONDA You. I thought we might take a little drive, the two of us, and scout locations. I mean, if you're not heavily engaged with other projects.

MERILEE He's not.

PRESCOTT I like that idea.

RHONDA I'll just change into something more business appropriate, and we'll be on our way.

SHE EXITS.

PRESCOTT How about that, gypsy fortune teller?

MERILEE TURNS A CARD. SHRUGS.

MEANWHILE, RICHARD SNEAKILY APPEARS IN THE CORRIDOR, BACKS OUT OF SIGHT WHEN HE SEES PRESCOTT. THEN HE SNEAKS A PEAK, RAPS WEAKLY ON OFFICE WINDOW TO GAIN MERILEE'S ATTENTION. HE GESTURES.

MERILEE Excuse me.

SHE GATHERS TAROT DECK, EXITS TO THE CORRIDOR.

INT. OFFICE CORRIDOR

AS MERILEE JOINS RICHARD.

MERILEE Richard, what are you doing here?

RICHARD I don't want what's his face to see me. Merilee, I'm in a jam. When I told her I lost my job, my wife threw me out. Along with the two hookers I had smuggled up to my room.

MERILEE (SCOLDING) Richard!

RICHARD I told you I was horny. You said hot love was coming. I thought I'd give it a push.

MERILEE What are you going to do?

RICHARD You wanna run off to Mexico with me?

MERILEE I can't run off to Mexico. Well, I could, but your wife would send the banditos out for me.

RICHARD Could you turn a card?

MERILEE Okay.

SHE TURNS TAROT CARD.

THE HANGED MAN.

RICHARD Yeah, that's me. Upside down, and hog tied. Listen, can I call you? I mean, as friends, though the Mexico offer still stands. Thanks Merilee. I better get lost. I don't want to give Prescott the satisfaction of seeing me. He'll think I came back here to beg and grovel.  Which, come to think of it, is exactly why I came back here.

RICHARD GIVES HER A QUICK KISS ON THE CHEEK, GOES OUT.

CUT TO: EXT. STOREFRONT - 'MADAME ROSA' FORTUNE TELLER - DAY

TO ESTABLISH THE HEADQUARTERS OF MERILEE'S NEMESIS.

INT. MADAME ROSA'S

MADAME ROSA, WEARING GYPSY BANDANNA AND SEATED AT A SMALL TABLE, RUBS HER HANDS ABOVE A CRYSTAL BALL IN THE DIM LIGHT.

MADAME ROSA Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. . . Merrily, merrily, Merilee Hudson. I've got a score to settle.

SHE MAKES A ZAPPING GESTURE!

QUICK CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE CORRIDOR - MERILEE

SHE SWATS HER NECK, AS IF BITTEN BY A MOSQUITO. SHE THINKS FOR A VERY SHORT BEAT.

MERILEE Bitch.

BACK TO:

INT. MADAME ROSA'S SHE ROCKS BACK IN HER CHAIR, LAUGHS.

CUT TO:

INT. MOVING CAR - PRESCOTT AND RHONDA BREEZING ALONG, PRESCOTT AT THE WHEEL.

RHONDA You're a smooth driver.

PRESCOTT That's me alright, old smoothie.

RHONDA The way you zoom in and out of traffic, kind of slip and slide through the tight curves. You a slipper and slider too?

PRESCOTT Depends on the curves.

RHONDA I like a man who slips and slides. Do you feel you get more friction on a tight curve?

PRESCOTT Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

RHONDA If it's dirty, yes.

PRESCOTT So, what kind of locations are we scouting?

RHONDA Oh, I'd say nothing too jammed.

PRESCOTT Not too jammed.

RHONDA I like a feeling of being open.

PRESCOTT Open, okay. Oh God. On the record, I'm married.

RHONDA Off the record, that won't discourage me.

PRESCOTT On the record, the coochie-coo has coochied out.

RHONDA Off the record, I am curious yellow.

(THEY EYE EACH OTHER)

Oh look, how about that little shop over there?

(POINTS TO SHOP WITH 'GOING OUT OF BUSINESS' SIGN)

Why don't you just kind of slide her in?

CUT TO:

INT. MERILEE'S OFFICE

SHE'S MANNING THE PUSH BUTTON PHONE ON HER DESK. DIALS OUT, PINCHES HER NOSE TO DISGUISE HER VOICE.

MERILEE Hello, may I speak to Madame Rosa please?

MADAME ROSA Zeez eez Madame Rosa.

MERILEE You eez from zee old country perhaps?

MADAME ROSA Who eez theez?

MERILEE Theez eez an old, old friend. She eez, how you say eet, plenty peezed off. She place beeg curse on you if you continue to pester her. Pleez, vatch your step, lady.

SHE HANGS UP.

ANOTHER EXTENSION RINGS.

MERILEE (INTO PHONE) Acme Architects, Linda's Lazy Lingerie, take your pick.

CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET

RICHARD IS PERCHED IN A TREE OVERLOOKING HIS HOUSE.

RICHARD (INTO PHONE) Merilee, it's me.

MERILEE Richard? Where are you?

RICHARD Up in a tree. Literally.

-- END OF EXCERPT--

 

 

 


Submitted: November 01, 2020

© Copyright 2020 Ron Micci. All rights reserved.

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