Sure enough, everything changes when the "Lost Queen" finds her way into the lives of those twelve orphans, with promises of a better future. On one condition. They plead fealty to the Queen and the kingdom and embark on a journey where they must each decide what it is they fight for and whether or not life is really worth living.
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Dreamscape
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Quite a strong first chapter. I think you did a really wonderful job depicting that scene with her in her bed and the priest. It was still tastefully done regardless of the severity of the content. I will be awaiting more!
Thu, November 12th, 2020 3:53pmI really like your prose/grammar, it’s got this timeless quality to it that really immerses the reader in this world you’ve created. I have to admit I had gotten a little attached to Damon, so to see him done in so quickly was a brutally jarring image that tells you this story is going to be no holds barred all the way through. Or maybe we should get that impression from the very first scene, which just sends chills up your spine. Either way, this is a very well written first chapter, and I am now curious about just how Rena is going to get out of this predicament.
Thu, November 12th, 2020 6:35pm
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Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear that it really immersed you into the story! And yeah, Damon was truly a sweetheart who only knew how to express himself either aggressive/persistently or silently! He definitely was a character who I would've loved to continue with, but it just wasn't in the cards for the story~ T_T
The story is definitely no holds barred and I want these dark themes to be fleshed out throughout the story, to depict the grim world they live in, and have to endure.
I hope you continue reading the more I post!
And I haven't forgotten about you either! I still need to review your story but I've been crammed with a new job I have! I'll be sure to review 1-2 chapters sometime this week :)
You have a great knack for storytelling! This is a very moving first chapter, the intensity is chilling. And the ending is superb, very shocking twist. Looking forward to reading more.
Fri, November 13th, 2020 1:23amThat was really well written. I like your style! I did leave a few iComments on grammar and spelling issues, but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
Rape is a very dark subject, though you handled it well. I've got a story arc planned that I've been putting off for over a year because I don't want to write it (that entire book has stalled out, sigh). Kudos to you for managing to do it tastefully.
Looking forward to reading more :)
Author
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I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to assist me with spelling and grammar! I've been SUPER packed with work lately, but I'll be sure to fix the issues whenever I find a moment to spare!
Thanks a bunch for reading and I can't wait to put the next part out soon!
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A. Rhetters
An interesting first chapter. I do like how you bared in mind how to address dark subjects in a respectful manner. I would say that this story is real, it’s raw, and seems to hold true to the unfortunate fate of some orphans. Reminds me of some of the scandals present within Catholic Churches over the years...
Thu, November 12th, 2020 1:05pmYou seem to have a strong first chapter. This story does hold promise, and I really don’t have much to say about it in terms of improving it. As of writing this review, I can’t fact check things like depression or the other things you mention in this chapter, but from an outsider’s perspective, I believe your portrayal is accurate.
Keep at it!
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The entire story touches on dark and sensitive themes throughout and I want to not only be respectful to those who have faced those circumstances, but I want to create the realistic feeling of being in that situation too, without just bashing the reader's in the head with "I was X, I was Y, this happened, that happened." I think my character's actions, be it good or bad guy, speak more volumes in those dark scenes than the actual vivid portrayal of what evil act is being committed.
Tue, November 17th, 2020 5:11amFor example, Renavale holding her legs close together, her hands trembling, Father Decker's voice behind her ear, these are all small details that build a larger picture without having to delve deep into what exactly Father Decker was doing/did. It also applies to the very vivid description of his fingers as opposed to the action. And I think that details like that make sensitive topics/scenes not only realistic, but respectful, which I hope to be able to portray in any scene I may have that touches on sensitive topics.
Thank you so much for reading though and I hope you continue following the story and its progression!