The Valley of the Tools Episode 41

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

It’s November 3rd, 2020, Election Day all across America, and everyone in Stone Productions hunkers down for a potentially long night as President Trump and Vice President Biden square off. Rob hosts another “pod party” at his house. Rob becomes so horrified by the early results, that he is heavily tempted to start drinking again, much to Imogen’s chagrin. Whitney tries to focus less on business and more on romance at the Election Night party. McKenzie feels depressed about the election, no matter the outcome, and feels increasingly jealous of Kevin and Evelyn’s friendship and starts creating drama at the party.

THE VALLEY OF THE TOOLS

 

“THE MIRAGE”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“We passed upon the stairs. We spoke of was and when. Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend, which came as a surprise. I spoke into his eyes- I thought you died alone. A long. long time ago. Oh no, not me. We never lost control. You're face to face with the man who sold the world”

  • David Bowie

 

(We open on two elderly poll workers, wearing American flag masks, handing ballots to masked voters in a gymnasium. Rob and Imogen are in line shortly behind those at the table)

 

ROB: …Nice gym, isn’t it? (Silent beat) Imogen?

 

IMOGEN: (Whispering) I’m afraid if I speak, one of Trump’s poll watchers will throw me out for being a foreigner.

 

ROB: Just go wait in the car, then. (Imogen walks off. Rob gets up to the table. He is handed a ballot) Thank you, Greta.

 

GRETA: I loved you in Beauty and the Beastliest, by the way.

 

ROB: I loved you on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition!

 

(Greta laughs)

 

GRETA: I wasn’t on the cover of Sports Illustrated, you silly thing!

 

ROB: Really? I could’ve sworn! (Rob takes his ballot and walks into the voting booth, as Greta swoons over him. He takes a pen and fills in the bubbles for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for President and Vice President, Brad Sherman for U.S. House seat in CA-30, Ben Allen for State Senate district 26, Richard Bloom for California State Rep district 50, for George Gascon for District Attorney, for sundry other offices, no on proposition 22, and other such propositions, and so on and so forth. Rob exits the booth and hands his ballot to Greta) Watch out everybody, this one’s a maneater!

 

(Rob points at Greta, and she laughs and hands him an “I Voted” sticker. He slaps it on his chest, and runs out of the high school gymnasium and takes a wide stance in the parking lot, as theatrical music begins playing)

 

ROB: (Singing) It’s an anxious morning, in the United States! (Rob dances over to a nurse wearing full PPE in the parking lot) Everybody’s been dying, and its Election Day! (Rob dips the nurse, then comes back up and tosses her aside. He jumps on a car) You can vote for the one that is lying, or you can vote for ol’ Joey!

 

(Rob jumps off the car and lands between a Hybrid with a “Biden/Harris 2020” sticker on it and a big pick-up truck with a “Trump/Pence 2020” sticker, alongside a “FACTS DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS” sticker. McKenzie slides in, wearing a “Bernie 2020” mask)

 

MCKENZIE: Either way, trust me, you’re going to pay!

 

ROB: NO WAY!

 

(McKenzie jumps up and starts walking down the streets of North Hollywood, snapping in rhythm like a Jet, with Rob, Whitney, Luther, Evelyn, Miles and Kevin following behind, snapping along with her and wearing masks. Jazz starts playing in the background)

 

MCKENZIE: (Whispering) We had one shot, yeah, we had one shot. After South Carolina, Bernie got got. Obama intervened to have Pete and Amy popped. Now, Joe Biden’s relationship with the left has been fraught. If Biden loses-

 

(An Uber Eats driver pulls over to the side of the road, and hops in front of McKenzie and her posse. The music stops. He gets out with a bag of Jimmy John’s)

 

UBER EATS DRIVER: Jimmy John’s for McKenzie?

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah, that’s me.

 

(McKenzie takes out ten bucks and stuffs it in the driver’s pocket, as she accepts the meal)

 

MCKENZIE: Vote NO on Prop 22. (The Uber Driver nods, gets in his car, and drives away) Anyway. Basically, what I was saying is- (McKenzie takes out her sandwich, lowers her mask and takes a bite. She starts talking with her mouth full) if Biden loses, the centrists are gonna blame us, and if he wins, they’re not gonna give us any credit, and they certainly won’t do shit for us. That’s the gist.

 

(Rob starts snapping again, and the jazz music returns. Everybody starts following his lead)

 

ROB: But if they get the Senate, you can push him left, but nobody wants to hear a purity ref-

 

(McKenzie blows a whistle and throws down a red flag)

 

MCKENZIE: It’s not a “purity test”, it’s just standards! Maybe he opposes a fracking ban just to pander! But climate is a top issue for voters! Yet, he never tires of appeasing General Motors!

 

ROB: But the other guy tries to disenfranchise voters! That ain’t right! (Rob hops over to a ballot drop-off box and leans against it) Let’s win first, then we can have that fight!
 

(McKenzie slides over)

 

MCKENZIE: Fine, are you free Wednesday at two?

 

ROB: BUT WHAT ABOUT 2022?!

 

(Cut to Ethan Donahue sliding into his walk-in closet in Hansbay, Vermont, as the original score comes back in)

 

ETHAN: It’s an anxious morning, in the United States! People have been dying, and its Election Day!

 

(Jennifer walks in, already dressed in a pants suit)

 

JENNIFER: You can vote for the one that is lying, or you can vote for ol’ Joey!  Either way trust me, the rich will be okay!

 

ETHAN: Even if it’s Kanye!

 

(Ethan walks into the row of formal wear hanging from hangers and comes out in a full suit. Ethan and Jennifer rush off together. Cut to Catherine Bowie driving a ratty van, with Ryan Donahue sitting in the passenger seat, drinking a handle of gin. Ryan is now wearing gages, his hair is now considerably longer, and his facial hair is patchy. He’s wearing a NAILS shirt. Ryan faces the camera)

 

RYAN: (Slurred) It’s an anxious morning in the United States… everybody’s been dying, and it’s Election Day…you can vote for the one who is lying, or you can vote for ol’ Joey, either way trust me, you’re going to pay…

 

CATHERINE: (Singing) I have to pick up some CBD, lend me money!

 

RYAN: Okay!

 

(Ryan hands Catherine some cash as Catherine pulls into a gas station parking lot, gets out, puts on her mask and walks toward the gas station building. Ryan jumps out of the van)

 

RYAN: The past four years, all the hate this guy’s arousin’, as the bodies pile up in the streets in the hundreds of thousands-

 

(A bearded, overweight man with an American flag t-shirt walks onscreen)

 

TRUMP SUPPORTER: Ain’t no 230k dead, those are crisis actors!

 

RYAN: Trump might rile up the rednecks, who’re scared Biden will take their tractors!

 

(Catherine walks over with a bottle of CBD. The music stops)

 

CATHERINE: Hey, dude, that’s classist.

 

RYAN: Whatever, let’s get in the van.

 

(They both get in the van)

 

TRUMP SUPPORTER: TRUMP 2020!!! LOCK HER UP! TRUMP THAT BITCH!

 

(The van peels away. Cut to the two of them back on the road. Ryan and Catherine take out CBD pills, as the music comes back in)

 

CATHERINE: (Singing) Biden’s up eight points, there’s no way he can lose!
 

RYAN: (Singing) But just in case, I’m numbing myself with booze!

 

CATHERINE: Upsets happen, but they don’t happen again?!

 

RYAN: We’re gonna need this CBD and more to make it through tonight.

 

(They both take the pills)

 

CATHERINE: Either way, we’re moving to Montana, where the news can’t give us a fright.

 

RYAN: Do we also have lean?

 

(Catherine holds up a bottle of cough syrup and a bottle of Sprite)

 

CATHERINE: Yep.

 

RYAN: Tight.

 

(Cut back to Los Angeles, where Rob is leading the entirety of the Stone Productions staff, Xandra, Hannah, Bonnie Backlash, Miles Grothman, Joss Payne, various other Valley of the Tools characters, all masked, in a parade going down Hollywood Boulevard, as the main musical theme returns)

 

ROB: THIS ELECTION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF OUR LIFETIMES!

 

CROWD: DIDN’T THEY SAY THAT LAST TIME?!

 

ROB: YEAH, BUT WE MEAN IT THIS TIME!

 

(Rob’s car pulls up and drives alongside the parade. Imogen sticks her head out the sun roof)

 

IMOGEN: Spotlight me! (A spotlight shines upon Imogen, as she removes her mask and sings) I know I’m a woman from a foreign land, so I’ll keep this short and say, I’m scared of Americans, like the great David Bowie said one day. I hope you don’t fuck this up, but I’m not so sure you can. Biden has to win by 5 million to even have a fucking chance!!

 

ROB: And even then, Trump looks at the ballots with askance!

 

(Whitney marches up)

 

WHITNEY: If we don’t beat him in a landslide, he might toss Biden ballots in the ocean!

 

ROB: Oh, but I’m sure SCOTUS will deny that motion!

 

CROWD: OH, FUCK!

 

(The crowd disperses and runs away, as a mob of Proud Boys wielding Tiki Torches and waving Trump flags descends on Hollywood Boulevard. They’re led up by a bearded Proud Boy in a vest, sporting a Macklemore haircut, his vest festooned with Trump buttons and anti-PC slogans. He’s leading the charge, and waving a Trump flag)

 

PROUD BOY: IT’S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING, IN THE UNITED STATES! EVEN THOUGH THERE’S BEEN RIOTING, IT’S ELECTION DAY! YOU CAN VOTE FOR THE BETA, OR YOU CAN VOTE FOR OUR BIG STRONG BAE!!!! EITHER WAY TRUST ME, WE’LL SET FIRE TO YOUR CITY!!!

 

(The Proud Boy and his crowd stop at an elections office. He picks up a brick and throws it straight into the window, and they descend on it, as cops stand by. We pan over to the cops. McKenzie walks up to them)

 

MCKENZIE: Will you intervene!?!

 

COPS: NO WAY!

 

MCKENZIE: Rob?! (Australian accent) Rob, wake up!

 

(Cut to Rob waking up on his living room couch, with a start. Imogen has her hand on his shoulder)

 

ROB: Huh?!

 

IMOGEN: Rob, it’s still a work day, don’t you have meetings!?

 

ROB: Ugh… (Rob rubs his eyes) I barely slept last night, so worried about the election.

 

IMOGEN: What, the polls don’t reassure you? (Imogen smirks and picks up an ashtray with cigarette butts in it off the coffee table) I can tell you’ve been stressed, by the way!
 

(Rob regards the ashtray)

 

ROB: It’s a stressful day, give me a break.

 

(Rob stands up and walks toward the kitchen)

 

IMOGEN: I know, but this shit better not continue! Unless Trump wins, in which case, do whatever you want.

 

(Imogen walks over to the trash can and pours the ashtray out. Rob walks over to the Keurig and sticks in a K-cup)

 

ROB: We ready for the watch party?

 

IMOGEN: Everyone’s been tested, and quarantined. Plus, I have my bird feeders out back, ready to predict the results with 99% accuracy.

 

(Rob furrows his brow)

 

ROB: Your birdfeeders?

 

IMOGEN: Yeah, check it out. (Imogen walks over and pulls up the shades. He sees two birdfeeders, one labeled Biden and one labeled Trump, sitting in the backyard) It’s a fun way to predict the results, by seeing which bird feeder the birds prefer.

 

(Rob stares blankly at Imogen for a few moments, and then nods)

 

ROB: …Cool.

 

(Rob presses the “start” button on his  coffee maker, grabs a coffee cup and puts it under the spout. Imogen looks disappointed)

 

IMOGEN: Yeah…

 

(Imogen awkwardly walks back to her room. Cut to Rob on a Zoom meeting with everyone at Stone Productions, plus Miles and Bonnie. Everyone except Whitney is looking at their phones)

 

WHITNEY: So, I spoke with Mr. Garamendi, and he said he could use his position at the Church of Scientology to convince John Travolta to star in any project we want him for, and I flatly told him “no”, so…? That was a good call, right? (Silence) Guys? He’s awful, right?? GUYS!

 

(Everybody snaps to attention)

 

ROB: What up?

 

MCKENZIE: Sorry, I was just checking 538. That little Fox mascot is so cute, by the way!

 

WHITNEY: Were ALL of you checking 538?!

 

EVELYN: Their command of probabilities is famed, Whitney.

 

LUTHER: Yeah, except when they were wrong last time.

 

NOEL: Actually, they weren’t exactly wrong last time, they gave Trump a 30% chance of victory, which, though it made him the underdog, is a real chance.

 

LUTHER: There’s a real chance I’m gonna hit you, dude.

 

EVELYN: For providing a factual counter to your preconceived notions? So simian.

 

(Kevin laughs. Luther glares at the camera a bit)

 

ROB: I’ve been worried about Florida all day.

 

KEVIN: Why? You worried Joey Hamhock’s gonna lose his leg in the gator-wrestlin’ competition?! I got five dime bags of coke on it.

 

ROB: No, it’s more like the fact that Florida has fucked us two elections in a row. I called it both times, by the way. Put my personal preferences aside, and soberly called those states based on the polling and the fundamentals.

 

NOEL: So who do you have in Florida?

 

(Rob rubs his forehead nervously)

 

ROB: BIDEN BY TWENTY.

 

(Rob takes a deep breath and starts wringing his hands)

 

WHITNEY: Guys! The only thing you should be worried about are the projects we have in development, okay!?

 

ROB: You’re right.

 

LUTHER: Of course.

 

MILES: Back to the grindstone.

 

WHITNEY: Okay, so, McKenzie, were you able to get in contact with Finn Wolfhard’s reps?

 

MCKENZIE: Well, I did ring them up, and asked if Mr. Wolfhard still looked young enough to play a 12-year old and he said- who are we kidding?! HOW CAN WE TALK BUSINESS TODAY?! I’M A WRECK!

 

(McKenzie takes out a pack of cigarettes and stuffs ten of them in her mouth, takes out her lighter and starts lighting all of them)

 

WHITNEY: Kenz, you can’t smoke in here- oh wait, you’re at your house.

 

(Rob sits back and groans loudly)

 

ROB: I’m with Kenz, I can’t function today.

 

(Whitney sighs and throws her papers aside)

 

WHITNEY: Fuck it, I can’t either.

 

(Everybody groans, sighs and relaxes)

 

KEVIN: I was so much calmer the morning of the last election, even though Hillary’s lead wasn’t nearly as wide as Biden’s is now.

 

EVELYN: I don’ understand all the consternation. Trump has been President for three years and nine months or so, what’s another four years and two months?

 

(Everyone groans)

 

ROB: We want this to be over already!

 

EVELYN: Even if he does lose, could he not simply run again in 2024?

 

(Everybody groans)

 

LUTHER: Evelyn, I love you, but please stop talking.

 

WHITNEY: I can’t even think about that.

 

MCKENZIE: I have enough stress over this shit! Let’s be honest, even if Biden wins, nothing’s gonna change fundamentally!

 

ROB: That’s such bullshit, Kenz! Where’d you hear that crap?

 

MCKENZIE: Joe Biden. When he told a group of donors that “nothing will fundamentally change”.

 

ROB: That was just to appeal to voters in Pennsylvania…

 

MCKENZIE: Yes, everything can be explained away. Biden sniffs a little girl’s head, it’s all just to appeal to girl-sniffers in Pittsburgh.

 

ROB: Is this about fracking again?! Fracking is a source of a lot of jobs in Pennsylvania, he can’t oppose fracking!

 

MCKENZIE: If you don’t ban fracking, climate change can’t be meaningfully addressed! So, no matter who wins, climate change is gonna fuck us.

 

(Everybody groans)

 

WHITNEY: Kenz, you’re so cynical.

 

ROB: Enough of this false equivalency crap.

 

MCKENZIE: If Biden’s plan is what he says it is, it’s true! Kevin, back me up on this!

 

(Kevin shrugs)

 

KEVIN: I don’t really know the details of all that stuff.

 

(McKenzie looks upset with him. He looks down sheepishly)

 

ROB: Let’s beat Trump first, okay? Then we can talk about other shit.

 

MCKENZIE: I’m nervous that Biden can’t beat Trump.

 

WHITNEY: I’m nervous, too! If Trump wins, Tingua Wanmei will have four more years of financial squeeze from this trade war!

 

MCKENZIE: What?!

 

WHITNEY: And even if Biden wins, he’s not gonna be easy on China, either. Scary stuff.

 

LUTHER: I think you’re missing the point, Whitney.

 

MILES: Yeah, I might not be able to marry who I want if Trump wins.

 

ROB: Aren’t you currently going steady with a Tamagotchi?

 

(Miles holds up a Tamagotchi and kisses it)

 

MILES: Exactly my point, I’m gonna petition Congress to make this legal! Our love is NO DIFFERENT than Evelyn and Kevin’s love!

 

MCKENZIE & LUTHER: What?!

 

MILES: Evelyn and Kevin’s love to Luther and McKenzie, respectively, of course.

 

KEVIN: Obviously.

 

EVELYN: I thought that was very clear.

 

ROB: Well. We can all panic together tonight, at my place. It’s BYOB, but keep the B away from me, and I’m not talking about Whitney! (Rob laughs. Whitney glares) What? I said I wasn’t talking about you! (Cut to Imogen setting out solo cups and sodas on the dining table. She opens the utensil drawer and takes all the steak knives, and retrieves a plastic bag and puts them in. Rob walks in, smoking a cigarette) What are you doing?

 

IMOGEN: Putting the knives in a safe place. Away from the guests.

 

ROB: I was gonna do my knife trick! With the- (Rob mimes stabbing in between his fingers) you know?

 

IMOGEN: I think we better put the knives away. Considering those exit polls we just saw.

 

ROB: God, I know. 48% think COVID is being handled well?! Did they poll the West Wing or some shit?!

 

(Imogen takes a deep breath)

 

IMOGEN: There’s always Australia.

 

ROB: Hey, it said there was a mostly female electorate too, so let’s not jump to conclusions.

 

(Imogen nods, and walks into the living room. Rob nervously drags on his cigarette. Cut to Whitney pulling up to Rob’s house in her Acura. She gets out of the car, with her mask on, talking on the phone. She notices Miles getting out of his car a little down the street)

 

WHITNEY: Yes, Mr. Garamendi, you can scrub the script for all smears against L. Ron Hubbard, it’s a period piece in the 1850s though, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.

 

(Miles walks over)

 

MILES: Hang up.

 

WHITNEY: Uh-huh. No, I think-

 

MILES: Hang up!

 

(Miles reaches for the phone, but Whitney pulls it away from him)

 

WHITNEY: DON’T YOU DARE! (Calms down, returns to call) Sorry, Garamendi, I was talking to, a, barista. What? No. I’m not a Karen. How do you know that term- anyway, I gotta go. Call you back.

 

(Whitney hangs up)

 

MILES: You gotta back away from the grind, Stone. Just relax and watch the republic fall apart. You ever think you work so much to make up for your lack of headway in other areas?

 

WHITNEY: No, Miles, I’ve never considered this. My love life is great, and the election will go quite smoothly.

 

MILES: Log off. Let go. (Miles holds up his Tamagotchi) Meet my girlfriend.

 

(Whitney nods to the Tamagotchi, and looks toward Rob’s front door, followed quickly by Miles. Cut to Imogen opening the door and letting in Miles and Whitney. Rob is standing in the living room, watching the TV nervously with a cigarette in hand)

 

IMOGEN: Hey! Come in.

 

WHITNEY: Good to see you, Imogen.

 

MILES: Thanks for having us.

 

IMOGEN: No problem.

 

(Imogen closes the door. Whitney and Miles walk in and see Rob staring at the TV, not even acknowledging them. They all look at the TV. Frank Buckley is working the election map screen at KTLA 5. Wendy Burch is standing by. He clicks on Indiana)

 

FRANK: We have very little vote out of Indiana, but we can already say for sure that Trump has won the state. It was expected to go to him, no surprise there.

 

(A graphic comes up on the screen with a picture of President Trump, a checkmark, and the state of Indiana. Cut back to Rob, Imogen, Miles and Whitney)

 

ROB: Biden is winning Kentucky right now, but it’s all mail-ins, they say. Blue mirage. There’s a suburban county in Northern Kentucky where Biden leads right now, and if that holds, it bodes well for Biden on the whole.

 

WHITNEY: Ah. I see.

 

IMOGEN: Everyone’s Nate Silver, now. Come on, let me get you a drink.

 

(Imogen leads Whitney and Miles to the kitchen. Cut to McKenzie driving Kevin’s truck on the highway. Kevin is smoking a cig and ashing out the window)

 

NPR: Lines have been sparser than usual across the country since much of the voting was done early and by mail. The media has been warning viewers for months now about the possibility of a “red mirage” and subsequent “blue shift” in the midwestern states-

 

(Kevin turns down the radio)

 

KEVIN: I can’t wait for them to call Florida so I can go to sleep.

 

MCKENZIE: Why didn’t you back me up today?

 

KEVIN: What do you mean?

 

MCKENZIE: When everyone got on my case about the climate remark?

 

KEVIN: Kenz, people don’t like to hear unpleasant things, especially when they’re already nervous. “Hey, listen, I know you’re waiting for the results of your HIV test, but I figured I’d mention that the Yellowstone super volcano could blow any day now and blanket the world in ash. Hope for the best!”

 

MCKENZIE: You should’ve backed me up, you know I was right.

 

KEVIN: I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t want to contradict my superiors like that.

 

MCKENZIE: I’m your only superior! Not that I would ever use that against you in our romantic relationship, but. Keep it in mind.

 

(Kevin puts his cigarette out in the ashtray and rolls up the window. Cut to Evelyn, Whitney, Rob, Imogen, Luther, Miles, Bonnie, Joss Payne and Danielle Shorten. They’re all gathered in Rob’s living room and kitchen, watching election results on TV)

 

ROB: He’s leading in Pinellas county by a lot! That’s a really good sign.

 

BONNIE: Yes, Robert, we all heard John King just say that. Thanks.

 

LUTHER: What’s goin’ on with Miami-Dade, though? Those margins should be bigger. I been there, you see a white guy around there, you take a picture with him, it’s a rare find.

 

(Kevin and McKenzie walk in. McKenzie’s holding a bottle of vodka)

 

MCKENZIE: Hey guys! I brought potato vodka just in case we get an Irish President!

 

(Everyone groans and nods at them)

 

KEVIN: Sounds about right. (McKenzie sighs and walks over to the kitchen, starts making herself a vodka tonic) What kind of drunk are getting tonight, celebratory drunk or coping drunk? (Everyone shushes him) Yes, sirs.

 

(Kevin sits down on the brick near the fireplace)

 

WOLF BLITZER: (OS) Trump just took the lead in Florida.

 

(Groans)

 

ROB: Guys, come on, even if Biden doesn’t win Florida, his leads in the Midwest are much bigger than Clinton’s were.

 

JOSS: Yeah, but Pennsylvania’s been considerably closer than the other two- what are they called? Newconsin and MegaMan? Sorry, I’ve never left L.A. County.

 

(McKenzie walks in with a vodka tonic)

 

MCKENZIE: You know who wouldn’t have had to worry about Pennsylvania? Bernie Sanders.

 

(Everybody groans)

 

WHITNEY: McKenzie, I know you had to delete all your TikTok videos taunting boomers about Bernie’s impending socialist takeover, but the rest of us are focused on the here and now.

 

(McKenzie shoots Kevin a look. He clears his throat)

 

KEVIN: (Meekly) Hey guys, lay off her, huh?

 

(McKenzie rolls her eyes. Kevin looks at the TV. Cut to Whitney and Miles talking in the kitchen, leaning against the counters, as everyone else watches Steve Kornacki at the big board on MSNBC. Miles is pouring Bailey’s into a glass, and throwing some ice cubes in there. He hands it to Whitney)

 

MILES: I call it “Bailey’s and ice”. It’s a holiday drink.

 

WHITNEY: How so?

 

MILES: The ice represents the North Pole.

 

WHITNEY: Shouldn’t you have an election-themed drink?

 

MILES: Fine, the ice represents ICE, and how unleashed they’ll be if Trump wins.

 

(Whitney takes a sip)

 

WHITNEY: God. If he somehow wins, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself.

 

MILES: You should talk to Danielle! If it’s the end of the world anyway, go crazy! You’ve already done everything you can do to save America by voting, so surrender control and go fuck someone. You’ve checked a box, now eat a box!

 

(Whitney stifles laughter. Cut to Danielle speaking with Joss over by the dining room table)

 

JOSS: So, after Quibi fired me, I started drinking heavily. I really believed in it, unlike a lot of the people there.

 

(Danielle looks around)

 

DANIELLE: Cool.

 

JOSS: I thought Zoomers would wanna watch fifteen-part movies directed by Steven Soderbergh. I don’t understand the world anymore…

 

(Whitney walks over)

 

WHITNEY: Hey, Danielle.

 

DANIELLE: Thank God. Excuse us. (Danielle and Whitney walk away from Joss. Joss shrugs and raises his beer to them) Thanks for rescuing me.

 

WHITNEY: I wouldn’t have let you endure that.

 

DANIELLE: I can’t believe I quarantined for two weeks for this.

 

WHITNEY: Maybe I can make it worth your while.

 

(Whitney smiles awkwardly. Danielle regards her with confusion)

 

DANIELLE: What does that mean?

 

(Whitney recoils and laughs awkwardly)

 

WHITNEY: You, uh…play for my team, don’t you?

 

(Danielle stares at Whitney and takes a big swig of her drink)

 

DANIELLE: …I’m gonna chalk this up to the emotions surrounding the day.

 

(Danielle nods and walks away. Whitney’s smirk turns into a frown. Miles walks over)

 

MILES: You struck out on the only lesbian here. Hard to recover from that. You’ll round the bases soon enough, though.

 

WHITNEY: Enough baseball metaphors!

 

MILES: Wouldn’t they be softball metaphors-

 

WHITNEY: STOP!

 

(Cut to Bonnie looking out the window, into the backyard. She sees the Trump and Biden birdfeeders, as birds come and go to them. Bonnie turns around)

 

BONNIE: Fuck are these birdfeeders about?

 

(Imogen walks over, holding a cocktail)

 

IMOGEN: It’s just a fun way to predict the outcome, based on how many birds go to each one.

 

BONNIE: Okay, then.

 

IMOGEN: I tried to make them on my own, but I gave up and just bought some from Home Depot. I wanted to make the bird houses look like the candidates, but I didn’t have time-

 

BONNIE: I just asked to distract myself from the results, but thanks for the fun facts.

 

(Bonnie smirks and walks away. Imogen looks pissed. Bonnie walks over and looks at the TV. Frank Buckley is at the magic wall, looking at Virginia as Wendy Burch stands by)

 

FRANK: As you can see, Trump is ahead considerably here in Virginia. I would be surprised if that held up, we’re still expecting votes from blue areas, but we’ll keep you posted.

 

WENDY: What about Florida?

 

(Frank clicks over to Florida)

 

FRANK: Trump has expended his lead in Florida, partially because Biden is under-performing in Miami-Dade. There’s a heavy Latino population here, but some of the Cuban population may have been influenced by Biden’s pro-communist message.

 

WENDY: Yes, very heavily pro-communist, socialist message coming from Joe Biden this year.

 

FRANK: Exactly.

 

(Bonnie grips the kitchen counter and scratches it with her nails as she lets out a shriek. Everyone turns around and stares at her. She takes a deep breath)

 

IMOGEN: My counter!! What the hell, Bonnie?!

 

(Rob gets up)

 

ROB: Imogen, it’s fine, she didn’t mean it.

 

IMOGEN: You have to pay for that!

 

(Bonnie goes to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of whiskey)

 

BONNIE: I’m drinking hard tonight, who else is in?

 

(Everyone raises their hand, except Rob, Imogen and Bonnie, who’s pouring whiskey into a glass. Rob and Imogen trade looks. Bonnie finishes pouring her drink and slides it toward Rob)

 

ROB: Bonnie, I don’t drink.

 

BONNIE: Yes, you do. We all do, now. Trump is gonna be re-elected, and the world is doomed. Eat, drink, and be merry, everyone!

 

IMOGEN: Bonnie, stop this! You’re a guest in my house!

 

(Evelyn walks over)

 

EVELYN: Also, if I could just put forward a word of caution, Biden is currently leading in Ohio, and even though that’s not likely to hold, it could indicate that there’s a red mirage coming in the Midwest and that Biden is still the favorite to win the Presidency, even though it will probably be closer than we’d like.

 

ROB: I’ll have some.

 

(Rob picks up the drink)

 

IMOGEN: Rob!

 

ROB: If Biden does win, it’s right back on the wagon, okay? But the way things are looking now, fuck it.

 

IMOGEN: Rob! Put that down!
 

ROB: It’s my house, too, Imogen.

 

BONNIE: It’s fine, Imogen, Rob and I had champagne during the shoot a few weeks back, after all.

 

(Rob glares at Bonnie. Bonnie tenses up, regretting her words)

 

IMOGEN: Fine. Erase all your progress these last few months before polls even close in MICHIGAN!

 

(Imogen groans and walks into the backyard to blow off steam. Rob and Bonnie bump glasses and drink. Close up on Rob’s face as he lets the booze drain down his throat)

 

BONNIE: Where should we move if the shit hits the fan?

 

ROB: I was thinking Brazil. I love Brazilian women…

 

(Rob takes another sip, as Bonnie stares)

 

BONNIE: You know much about Brazil’s government?

 

ROB: No, why?

 

(Joss runs in)

 

JOSS: Polls just closed in Michigan and Trump is LEADING!

 

(Everyone groans. Then they suddenly hear a shit ton of birds squawking, and they turn to see birds swarming the Trump birdfeeder)

 

ROB: …Hey, maybe it’s predictive, after all.

 

(Rob goes toward the backdoor. Rob opens the backdoor and walks into the backyard. Bonnie follows him out there. Imogen is marveling at it)

 

IMOGEN: See?! I told you it was effective!

 

(Some birds start swarming the Biden birdfeeder as well. Everyone grows confused)

 

ROB: Does this mean the election is tightening?

 

BONNIE: No, it means they’re just birds, not political analysts.

 

(Luther walks out, holding a beer)

 

LUTHER: Biden leads in Arizona, though!

 

IMOGEN: See?!

 

BONNIE: They’re fucking BIRDS!

 

(The birds fly toward the back porch and right toward Rob, Bonnie and Luther)

 

LUTHER: OH, SHIT!
 

(They all run inside and close the door. The birds swarm on a bag of bird feed on the back porch. Imogen runs up and knocks on the door. They let her in and shut the door again)

 

IMOGEN: Forgot that feed bag was there.

 

ROB: Do we have more of those!?

 

IMOGEN: Yeah, in the pantry, why?

 

(McKenzie heads over to the pantry, grabs a bag of “Bird Crack- for Birds who like to party”. She walks over, showing it off)

 

MCKENZIE: This is literally called Bird Crack. It looks like cat nip, for birds.

 

IMOGEN: I thought that was just marketing!
 

(Birds start pecking the windows in increasing swarms)

 

ROB: Goddamnit, Imogen, you have to check the ingredients!

 

IMOGEN: Don’t start with me, you fuckin’ drunk.

 

KEVIN: You know, this is a lot like that Hitchcock movie, Rear Window.

 

MCKENZIE: …How?

 

KEVIN: Because they’re pecking at the rear window of the house!

 

MCKENZIE: Wouldn’t it be a lot more like “The Birds”?

 

KEVIN: Why, just because it has “birds” in the title?

 

(The birds start spraying shit on the windows overlooking the living room)

 

ROB: Fantastic. Can’t wait to clean that shit up with our discarded Biden-Harris signs. Fuck this shit.

 

(Rob rushes off to the living room and sits down on the couch, watching the results on TV. Imogen shakes her head, walks over and pours herself a drink. Whitney sighs, and then hears her phone ringing)

 

WHITNEY: That’s probably my mom calling, for the first time in two years, to gloat that Trump is winning. (Whitney checks her phone and sees its Hannah. She looks surprised and exits the living room, and goes into the foyer bathroom and closes the door behind her) Hannah? What’s up?

 

(Cut to Hannah standing in the backyard of her dad’s place in L.A., on her phone. Intercut between them)

 

HANNAH: Trying to get a break from my dad and brother. They’re shirtless chest-bumping right now. It’s bordering on spooning, honestly.

 

WHITNEY: The mail-ins haven’t even come in yet, they need to calm down.

 

HANNAH: Yeah, I need to calm down. My brain knows that mail-ins are coming but my anus thinks Trump’s gonna be President for another four years.

 

(Whitney chuckles)

 

WHITNEY: We might not get the senate, though.

 

HANNAH: Can I ask you something?

 

WHITNEY: Sure.

 

HANNAH: This is gonna sound weird, but. Xandra and I started a podcast about breakups, it’s called Closure. We thought it would be interesting if we had two of my exes on an episode. Xandra and you.

 

(Whitney squints)

 

WHITNEY: What?

 

HANNAH: I know, I know, why would you wanna be on a podcast with your ex and the woman who stole me from you, right?

 

WHITNEY: Yeah! Right! Do you have an answer for that question?

 

HANNAH: …I guess I didn’t think ahead to this part of our conversation when I ran it through my head.

 

WHITNEY: …Goodbye, Hannah.

 

(Whitney hangs up. Hannah sighs and puts her phone in her pocket. Marcus bursts out of the house, wearing a Trump 2020 tank top)

 

MARCUS: TRUMP TRAIN RIDES ON, BABY!!!! GETTIN’ DRUNK ON LIBERAL TEARS TONIGHT!!

 

(Cut to Kevin and Evelyn talking chummily in the kitchen. Pan over to McKenzie and Luther sitting on the couch, watching election results. Wendy Burch is standing in front of a screen, showing election projections for Florida, Alabama, Connecticut, New Jersey, Oklahoma, and Mississippi)

 

WENDY: We have projections in several states at this hour. Donald Trump wins the battleground state of Florida, a key state if he hopes to win the White House. He also wins the solid red states of Alabama, Oklahoma and Mississippi. Meanwhile, Joe Biden is the projected winner in the solid blue states of Connecticut and New Jersey. (The graphic shifts to results from undecided states like Virginia, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Iowa, Arizona and Georgia) Trump holds leads in Virginia, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania- but it’s too early to call there. Trump has regained the lead in Ohio, Georgia and Texas, but these races are too close to call. Biden leads in Iowa and Arizona at this hour, but these races are also too close to call.

 

MCKENZIE: You know, for a while at the beginning of this year, I really thought Bernie Sanders was gonna be the one elected today.

 

LUTHER: Or the one losing to Trump, instead of Biden.

 

MCKENZIE: I think he would’ve won. He would at least do better than a 77-year old man who can’t complete a sentence without interrupting himself and quoting what his old Uncle Willy used to say.

 

LUTHER: Well, hey, maybe AOC can run in four years.

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah, but if Biden wins, she’d be running against Vice President Harris. It’d be a tough hill to climb.

 

LUTHER: Harris tries way too hard, and her laugh is super creepy. Like a goddamn kid from a horror movie, y’all can beat her easy.

 

MCKENZIE: You really think so?

 

LUTHER: Definitely.

 

(McKenzie nods)

 

MCKENZIE: Thanks.

 

LUTHER: For what?

 

MCKENZIE: …I don’t know. In this Hell world, I take what I can get. Cheers. (McKenzie and Luther bump their drinks together and take sips. McKenzie notices that Kevin is laughing as he talks to Evelyn in the kitchen) I’m glad Kevin is making friends.

 

LUTHER: What do you mean?

 

MCKENZIE: You notice how mine has become quite chummy with yours?

 

(Luther looks over at them, as Kevin puts a bow under his nose)

 

KEVIN: (Gruff voice) You must pay the rent! (Kevin puts the bow on his head and affects a high-pitched “girl” voice) But I can’t pay the rent! (He puts the bow back under his nose and affects the gruff voice) You must pay the rent! (High-pitched, bow on head) But I can’t pay the rent! (He puts the bow to his collar and affects a noble voice) I’ll pay the rent! (He puts the bow to his head and affects the girl voice) My hero!

 

(Cut back to Luther and McKenzie. Luther looks vaguely concerned)

 

LUTHER: …Yeah, I guess they have.

 

(McKenzie downs her drink)

 

MCKENZIE: How’d you not notice this? You saw how she laughed at Kevin’s least funny jokes on that Zoom call.

 

LUTHER: I thought Evelyn was just on a sugar high.

 

MCKENZIE: …Why do I feel like we’re talking about our kids?

 

LUTHER: I don’t know. (Luther turns to McKenzie) Are you…concerned?

 

(McKenzie shakes her head “no” rapidly and unconvincingly)

 

MCKENZIE: NAH!

 

(McKenzie picks up a bottle of vodka and liberally pours herself another glass. Cut to Imogen sitting poolside in the backyard, with her feet dipped in the pool, and a high ball of wine at her side. Bonnie walks into the backyard and goes over and sits next to Imogen)

 

BONNIE: Hey, I’m sorry for getting riled up earlier. I shouldn’t have offered Rob alcohol, it’s just an emotional night.

 

IMOGEN: You Americans don’t know how to handle your emotions. When my Uncle Derrick died, my dad said, “that’s a shame” and he’s never talked about it since.

 

BONNIE: That definitely seems healthy.

 

IMOGEN: A night like this should bring us closer, not drive us apart.

 

BONNIE: Definitely. Maybe we should do one of those “two truths and a lie” games to get to know one another better.

 

IMOGEN: Not the two of us, you nit. Rob and I.

 

BONNIE: Right. Well. I don’t think Rob meant to snap at you, it’s just a stressful night.

 

IMOGEN: I didn’t ask for your reassurances, Bonnie. Jesus, I might as well hire Mia Khalifa as my marriage counselor.

 

(Anger flashes in Bonnie’s eyes, and she grips the side of the pool. But she dials it back and takes a deep breath)

 

BONNIE: I can tell you’re having a rough time, I’ll leave you alone.

 

(Bonnie gets up and walks back toward the back door. McKenzie walks out and lets Bonnie inside. Bonnie closes the door, as McKenzie walks into the backdoor, lighting a cigarette. She takes a drag and exhales smoke)

 

MCKENZIE: Where are the birds?

 

IMOGEN: I emptied the goddamn feeders. And I put them in Bonnie’s jacket pockets.

 

(McKenzie chuckles and walks over, and sits next to Imogen poolside)

 

MCKENZIE: Every relationship goes through its peaks and valleys, Imogen.

 

IMOGEN: What is this, The Bachelor? You’re all gonna come out, one-by-one and give me a speech?

 

MCKENZIE: Kevin and I have had the roughest year of our relationship, or any relationship, and we’re still standing. Yep. Our bond is as strong as the arctic ice shelf, after tonight.

 

IMOGEN: What’s your point?

 

MCKENZIE: …You know Rob and I slept together three years ago, right?

 

IMOGEN: No, but I assumed as much.

 

MCKENZIE: See? You’re fine with it. It’s because Rob has a one-track mind. He barely remembers that we’ve ever slept together, and our relationship is better for it. So if you’re jealous of Bonnie-

 

IMOGEN: Who says I’m jealous of Bonnie?!

 

MCKENZIE: No one! But if you are, don’t be! They have a purely business relationship. In fact, when we were shooting Alien AIDs, Rob gave her a SUPER passionate kiss- (Imogen looks at McKenzie with shock) way more passionate than the script called for, everybody’s jaw was on the ground. But afterwards, he was all-business.

 

IMOGEN: They kissed?! Passionately?!

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah, but it didn’t mean anything! It was a business transaction! Of saliva.

 

IMOGEN: Oh, so the kiss was a transaction, and this is supposed to make me feel better somehow?!

 

MCKENZIE: Yeah, I suppose there were better ways to make the point. (Imogen gets up and marches back inside. McKenzie takes a drag on her cig and puts it out on her arm) Fuck.

 

(Cut to inside. Rob is monitoring the TV, along with most everyone else. Frank is at the big screen, focusing on county level results coming from Iowa)

 

FRANK: It looks like Trump has taken the lead, as expected, in the state of Iowa.

 

ROB: Son of a bitch. I bet it was 50 Cent’s endorsement that put him over the top, goddamnit.

 

LUTHER: Yeah, there’s a lotta brothers workin’ the corn, over there.

 

ROB: I mean, overall-

 

(Imogen storms into the house and runs into her bedroom and slams the door. Rob looks confused and runs over to the door and opens it, before Imogen can lock it)

 

IMOGEN: Stop it! I wanted to lock it!
 

ROB: Why?! (Rob shuts the door behind him) Did one of the birds get in?! I’ll tackle it!

 

IMOGEN: NO! McKenzie Park just told me about your passionate kiss with Bonnie!

 

(Imogen walks over and sits on the bed, holding her head in her hands)

 

ROB: For the movie?! Are you serious?! Are you also mad at me for blowing up Prudula 5?!

 

IMOGEN: She says you went above and beyond what the script called for!

 

ROB: It was an acting choice! You’re the actor, you should understand! You’ve done the lie on the floor and watch your breathing shit!

 

IMOGEN: You know what?! (Imogen stands up) Ever since you saw Colleen, you’ve been different. A lot like how you used to be!

 

ROB: JESUS CHRIST! (Rob grabs a book off the shelf and throws it across the room) I AM HERE! I AM WHO I AM! I’m so sick and tired of being judged in comparison to “who I used to be”! This is it! This is the whole thing! Take it or leave it! Love it or shove it! Accept it, or, don’t, have, kept it! There’s only ONE Robert Altmire! Understood?! (Rob leaves the bedroom and walks into the living room. Everyone is staring at him, as Imogen rushes into the bathroom. Rob grabs a bottle of whiskey from the counter and pours it into a glass and sips it, as people stare) MIND YOUR BUSINESS! (They all look away) Kevin, Evelyn, you two are the only ones who aren’t judgmental, come drink with me.

 

(Kevin and Evelyn stand up, awkwardly)

 

KEVIN: Actually, maybe we should leave, Rob.

 

(Joss, Danielle, Bonnie, Luther and Whitney stand up as well)

 

WHITNEY: Yeah, it’s getting late and I don’t think the race will be called tonight.

 

EVELYN: Plus, you’re currently having a domestic dispute with your spouse, that is making everyone uncomfortable.

 

(Miles stuffs a handful of chips in his mouth)

 

MILES: (Mouthful) I’m down to stay, honestly.

 

ROB: Guys! Come on! Stick around, have a drink!

 

WENDY: (On TV) We can see Vice President Biden and his wife Jill walking up to the podium, let’s go to him now.

 

(Everyone turns their attention to the TV. They see Vice President Biden and the former Second Lady Jill Biden walking up to the podium at Biden HQ in Wilmington, Delaware, wearing masks. Car honks of approval blare. Biden takes off his mask. People in Rob’s living room sit down to watch)

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hello, Delaware! (Jill waves) Hello, hello, hello! Good evening. Your patience is commendable. We know this was gonna go long. But who knew we’re gonna go into maybe, tomorrow morning, maybe even longer.

 

MCKENZIE: Maybe four years, even.

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: But look. We feel good about where we are. (Cheering and honking. Jill applauds) We really do. I’m here to tell you tonight, we believe we’re on track to win this election. (Applause and honking) We knew because of the unprecedented early vote and the mail-in vote, that it was gonna take a while. We’re gonna have to be patient, until we, uh, the hard work of tallying votes is finished.

 

WHITNEY: I guess it’s a good sign that they sent out the candidate himself, instead of whoever is the equivalent of John Podesta in the Biden campaign.

 

KEVIN: Whoever on Biden’s team is on the Satanic ritual and child sex ring beat, I guess.

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: We’re feeling good about where we are. We believe- one of the nets has suggested we’ve already won Arizona, but we’re confident about Arizona.

 

ROB: Wait, who said he won Arizona?

 

WHITNEY: Fox News called Arizona for Biden. Apparently, the Trump campaign is furious and wants them to reverse the call.

 

ROB: But they’re winning in the Midwest! They must know that’s not gonna hold if they’re freaking out about Arizona!

 

MCKENZIE: Guys, I’m warning you. Stop feeling hope, it will only end badly.

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: And by the way! It’s gonna take time to count the votes, we’re gonna win Pennsylvania!

 

(Cut to Danielle in the backyard, taking a pull off a canteen of liquor. Joss walks out and offers his hand)

 

JOSS: Do you mind?

 

DANIELLE: Oh, you want a nip of my canteen? That I just wrapped my lips around during a global pandemic? Fuck off, Joss.

 

JOSS: Why are you so mean to me?

 

DANIELLE: You’re a screenwriter, you exist to be abused.

 

(Joss walks back inside. Whitney walks outside, rubbing her eyes)

 

WHITNEY: Fuck. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle the next few days if this doesn’t wrap up quick.

 

DANIELLE: I’m gonna wrap myself in a blanket and watch Selling Sunset, that’s what I’m gonna do.

 

WHITNEY: I love that show. Christine is such a BITCH.

 

DANIELLE: I know…don’t you just wanna lick her tits, though? (Whitney looks over at Danielle) Sorry. That’s the schnapps talking.

 

WHITNEY: I’m not really into blondes, honestly.

 

DANIELLE: Brunettes, then?

 

(Danielle smirks and steps closer to Whitney. Whitney looks over at her)

 

WHITNEY: …I like redheads, actually. (Danielle sours) And brunettes. I like ‘em both, equally.

 

(Danielle shrugs and takes another swig of her canteen)

 

DANIELLE: Come to think of it, I should probably wait until the election’s been called to have casual sex.

 

(Danielle pats Whitney on the shoulder and heads inside. Whitney takes out her phone and calls Hannah. Cut to Hannah sitting on the roof of her house with her sister Olivia. Hannah picks up the phone)

 

HANNAH: Oh! Hold on, Olivia, it’s Whitney. (Hannah answers. Intercut between Hannah and Whitney) Hey, I’m sorry if I offended you-

 

WHITNEY: No, you didn’t. I guess I was just thrown off by how, not normal the request was.

 

HANNAH: Totally.

 

OLIVIA: Can I speak to her?

 

HANNAH: What? No.

 

OLIVIA: I think I can get her close to the Lord, since she’s probably emotionally vulnerable right now, so, could you please hand her over?

 

HANNAH: Olivia, not now. (To Whitney) Sorry, Whitney.

 

WHITNEY: Olivia’s there?

 

HANNAH: Never mind that. What’s up?

 

WHITNEY: I’m in.

 

HANNAH: Amazing!

 

WHITNEY: I wanna promote Alien AIDs and Human Slaves on the show, so I’ll come up with some talking points ahead of time-

 

HANNAH: What?

 

WHITNEY: It’s a movie we’ve got coming up.

 

HANNAH: …You just see this as a business opportunity, don’t you?

 

WHITNEY: What?! No, I’m just saying, I might as well-

 

HANNAH: You know what, Whitney, invitation rescinded. Go hock your space AIDs movie somewhere else.

 

(Hannah hangs up. Olivia takes Hannah’s hand)

 

OLIVIA: Her soul was salvageable, Hannah.

 

HANNAH: She can burn in Hell, for all I care.

 

(Cut to Whitney sadly pocketing her phone. Whitney walks inside, past Kevin and Evelyn, who are holding beers and talking at the dinner table)

 

EVELYN: That’s why every coffee mug I have purchased since has had a letter on it. My OCD keeps telling me, the sentence must go on. So far, I have a paragraph’s worth of mugs.

 

KEVIN: What does the sentence say?

 

EVELYN: It’s a description of how I envision myself passing away.

 

(Luther walks over and sits down at the table, holding a gin fizz and laughing. He’s clearly quite drunk)

 

LUTHER: (Slurring) I love when my friends get along, I just love this shit so much! (Luther puts his hand on Evelyn’s shoulder) Guys, let’s play spin the bottle! (Luther looks around) Does somebody got a big bottle?! (Luther shakes Kevin) Don’t worry, it’s not to beat you over the head with!

 

(Kevin looks over at McKenzie, who’s sitting in a chair, watching election results. They trade glances)

 

KEVIN: Luther, I’m gonna go have a smoke with McKenzie.

 

(Joss hands Luther an empty bottle)

 

LUTHER: That’s cool, dude, do what you gotta do- (Kevin stands up, as does McKenzie) we’re gonna play Truth or Dare, then when you come back, I’m gonna stick this bottle up your ass! (Kevin squints) HA! Relax, motherfucker, it’s just a joke, I’m being funny. Go have your cancer stick.

 

(Kevin walks outside with McKenzie. Cut to them talking near the pool, both with cigarettes in hand)

 

KEVIN: Why do you keep stirring the shit tonight?! I heard you told Imogen about Rob’s kiss with Bonnie, for Christ’s sake!

 

MCKENZIE: What?! I can’t MENTION it?! It didn’t mean anything!
 

KEVIN: But when she’s ALREADY mad at Rob?! Come on, you know what you were doing! Now you’re putting ideas into Luther’s head?!

 

(McKenzie scoffs)

 

MCKENZIE: Maybe I’m a LITTLE tired of all the whisper campaigns about OUR relationship! Everyone in our office acts like they work for Page Six, it’s about time we stay out of the news for a while!

 

KEVIN: Oh, so you did this for us? (Fake touched) Oh, how sweet.

 

MCKENZIE: Maybe it was, born out of some insecurity with our relationship, yeah.

 

KEVIN: Don’t psychoanalyze yourself like that makes your actions any better.

 

MCKENZIE: You’re right. But, when you spend all night with Evelyn, people talk!

 

KEVIN: I didn’t spend ALL NIGHT with Evelyn, I’ve been floating around, shooting off one-liners and sarcastic observations like mad! My quips-per-minute is off the charts, sister, let me tell ya

 

MCKENZIE: It’s been 75% with Evelyn.

 

KEVIN: So, what?! We’re friends! Listen, it’s been a long four years, and it’s gonna be a potentially long four years, again. We need to stick together in moments like this, not drive ourselves further apart.

 

MCKENZIE: Are you saying we’re “stronger together”?

 

KEVIN: Yes. Yes, exactly. Come here.

 

(Kevin and McKenzie hug tightly)

 

MCKENZIE: You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more trusting.

 

(McKenzie opens one eye and slips her hand down to Kevin’s jacket pocket, where his phone is sticking out)

 

KEVIN: It’s alright.

 

(McKenzie snatches his phone and sticks it in her pocket. Cut to McKenzie, Kevin, Joss, Danielle, Miles and Rob watching President Trump’s remarks from the White House on TV)

 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: We want, the law to be used in a proper manner. So, we’ll be going to the U.S. Supreme Court. We want all voting to stop.

 

WHITNEY: Does he think people are still voting?

 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: We don’t want them to find any ballots, at four o’clock in the morning and add them to the list.

 

ROB: Oh, you mean mail-in ballots? Which don’t count because they go overwhelmingly for Biden?

 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: it’s a very sad moment. To me, it’s a very sad moment, and we will win this and we- as far as I’m concerned, we already have won it. So-

 

(Applause and clamor in the room. Rob turns the TV off)

 

ROB: I wanna vomit.

 

WHITNEY: The fact that he is saying that he won, makes me a bit more confident that he may not actually win.

 

(Rob checks his phone)

 

ROB: On the bright side, my former brother-in-law may become the new Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont.

 

WHITNEY: Why would we give a shit about that?

 

(Rob shrugs)

 

ROB: I don’t know, I just thought maybe you would.

 

(We hear Imogen scream from the bathroom. McKenzie and Luther stand up)

 

MCKENZIE: …Aren’t we gonna check on her?

 

ROB: I think she wants to be left alone, right now.

 

LUTHER: We’ll see about that.

 

(Luther and McKenzie walk into their bedroom. Cut to Imogen sitting in the bathtub, fully clothed, with no water in it. She has a glass of wine at her side. Luther and McKenzie are sitting by the tub, as she rubs her temple with one hand)

 

IMOGEN: ...What have I bought into… everyone warned me about him…

 

MCKENZIE: …Warnings only do so much…if tonight’s any guide.

 

(Imogen shrugs)

 

LUTHER: …Actually, if tonight’s any guide, the lesson is you gotta keep going, even if everything in the world is screaming at you to change course, you gotta keep grinding on. I think we can all benefit from that.

 

(They both glare quizzically at Luther. Cut to Rob pouring a glass of whiskey in the kitchen. Everyone besides Imogen, McKenzie and Luther are in the kitchen with him, holding glasses of whiskey)

 

ROB: So, what, Trump might get a second term! Who gives a shit?! We’re fucked anyway, right?! Might as well enjoy the last few decades we have on this dying planet, I say! (Rob raises his glass, as does everyone else) To Kamala Harris, my best friend and the Vice President who could’ve been and still might be!

 

KEVIN: Wait, are we toasting our inevitable doom or Kamala Harris?

 

ROB: WHY NOT BOTH?!

 

(They all clink their glasses and drink. Cut to Whitney’s dark, dusty, under-decorated apartment. We can hear the jingle of keys as the door is unlocked, and Whitney walks in. She flips the lights on and has her phone to her ear)

 

WHITNEY: Yeah, Li, I’m here.

 

(She kicks the door closed)

 

LI: (On the phone) How are things looking over there?

 

(Whitney walks over and sits on her couch)

 

WHITNEY: I haven’t checked in about half an hour, I just drove across town. Though, I did see some Biden supporters standing on the side of a bridge.

 

(Whitney turns on the TV. We see Wendy Burch talking to Frank Buckley, as he looks at Wisconsin on the “magic wall” election map)

 

WENDY: So, what’s changed in the last few moments, Frank?

 

FRANK: We just got a big dump of votes from Milwaukee, Wendy, and that has put Vice President Biden in the lead in Wisconsin.

 

WHITNEY: Look at that, Biden’s leading in Wisconsin! Big dump came in.

 

LI: Big dump?

 

WHITNEY: Yeah.

 

WENDY: So, this dump has put Biden ahead in Wisconsin, are we expect similar dumps in Michigan, out of Detroit?

 

FRANK: Wendy, we’re expecting huge dumps out of Detroit within the next few hours, these dumps will hit us in the chest at any moment, and these dumps are expected to be very pleasurable for Joe Biden.

 

WHITNEY: They’re saying the dumps are good for Biden. He still might win.

 

LI: Oh. Well. That’s good.

 

WHITNEY: …You sound apprehensive?

 

LI: No, I mean, it’s good! Biden will stop the trade war, but then again. Trump getting re-elected would make countries look to us for stability, so. Whatever. We’ll see what happens.

 

WHITNEY: …You know, this dude tore children away from their parents. Don’t you care about that?

 

LI: …I’ll talk to you in the morning, Whitney.

 

WHITNEY: Goodbye.

 

(Whitney hangs up angrily. Cut to Hannah sitting on the couch, next to her dad Carter and her brother Marcus in their living room. They are leaning forward, angrily watching as FOX News reports that Biden has taken the lead in Wisconsin)

 

CARTER: THIS IS FRAUD!! THEY’RE TRYING TO STEAL THIS ELECTION RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES!!

 

MARCUS: THEY PROBABLY DUG UP COVID VICTIMS AND MARCHED THEM TO THE POLLS!! WHAT THE FUCK?! SINCE WHEN IS MILWAUKEE THIS BLUE?!?!

 

(Hannah wears a sly smile. She gets a call from Whitney, and she slips out onto the front porch to take it)

 

HANNAH: Hey.

 

(Cut to Whitney lying in bed, on the phone. Intercut between them)

 

WHITNEY: Hey. I’m sorry for demanding ad time, I can do the podcast without all that, if you’ll still have me.

 

HANNAH: No, I’m sorry for objecting to it, honestly. I’m not gonna knock the hustle. We’re selling ads for Squarespace, Nature Box and MonthlyKnives.com- a subscription service for serrated knives delivered right to your door, so why not your thing.

 

WHITNEY: Well. I’m glad to hear that…to be clear, I can promote Alien AIDs on your podcast then?

 

HANNAH: Yes. What day do you want to do it?

 

WHITNEY: Sunday?

 

HANNAH: Sounds good. Wait, do you mean this Sunday?

 

WHITNEY: …Yeah, obviously.

 

HANNAH: Sunday’s no good. What about this Thursday, not THIS Thursday, but the Thursday after next Thursday?

 

WHITNEY: Let’s figure this out later.

 

HANNAH: Okay.

 

(Cut to Rob passed out on the couch. There are empty glasses and beer cans littering the coffee table. Rob’s eyes crust open, and he slowly sits up on the couch and clutches his head)

 

ROB: Fuck. My head.

 

(Rob reaches for the remote and turns on the TV. It’s tuned to MSNBC. We can see results from Michigan onscreen, with Trump sitting at 48.6% to Biden’s 49.8%. A checkmark is over Biden’s head, and “PROJECTED WINNER” rests below his picture)

 

KATY: Let me interrupt you just for a moment, Pete, stay with us, uh- Michigan, on your screen right now, this is a very big call, uh, that we are now ready to make. NBC News Decision Desk projecting the winner of Michigan- Biden. Vice President Biden with 49.8% of the vote to 48.6 for President Trump.

 

ROB: Oh, shit! IMOGEN, GET IN HERE! (Imogen runs in) Biden won Michigan! He can still win this thing! (Imogen grabs a pillow from a chair and throws it at Rob’s head) Hey!

 

IMOGEN: Thanks for comforting me last night, ASSHOLE! Oh! And now that Biden’s gonna win- (Imogen picks up an empty bottle) you wanna celebrate a little bit, right?! Is that gonna be the excuse now?!

 

(Imogen drops the bottle on the coffee table and walks into the backyard. Rob watches her through the bird shit-covered windows, as she unspools the garden hose and starts spraying the avian excrement from the windows. Rob regards her with shock and a hint of grudging respect, as the bird shit starts to drain off the glass. The torrent of hose water crosses the window, and it transitions us to a few days later. Rob and Imogen are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Rob is on his iPad, Imogen is on her phone. The TV is on, tuned to CNN. John King is at the magic wall)

 

JOHN: And building, and building, and building.

 

(They transition from John King to Wolf Blitzer standing in the middle of CNN’s election set. A lower third reading “STAND BY FOR CNN PROJECTION” sits below him)

 

WOLF: After four long, tense days, we’ve reached a historic moment in this election. We can now project the winner of the Presidential race. (The CNN projection graphic pops up, and we return to Wolf, now with a graphic on the screen behind him, showing a picture of Joe Biden next a yellow checkmark and the Presidential seal. “ELECTED PRESIDENT” lies beneath Biden’s picture) CNN projects, Joseph R. Biden Jr. is elected the 46th President of the United States, winning the White House, and denying President Trump a second term. We’re able to make this projection because CNN projects Biden wins Pennsylvania. The former Vice President, in his third run for the highest office, pulling off a rare defeat of a sitting Commander-in-Chief.

 

(Rob looks over at Imogen)

 

ROB: Would you look at that.

 

IMOGEN: Thank Christ.

 

(Rob nods and looks back at his iPad. Imogen smirks)

 

IMOGEN: …Maybe I’ll pick up some virgin champagne later.

 

ROB: Yeah, sounds good.

 

(Rob clears his throat and buries his head back in his iPad. Imogen looks out the window into the backyard, at the bird feeders. “The Man Who Sold the World” by Nirvana comes in as we cut to credits)

 

THE END


Submitted: November 13, 2020

© Copyright 2020 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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