following your dreams realistically pt. 1

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

this is about my experience on following dreams realistically and exactly what that means. i'll be talking a lot about my somewhat normal and stressful life, and hope that my journey might make yours a little easier and provide mutual insight to help everyone who is working on themselves and figuring their life out. i would love your criticism and advice and hope you'll read some of mine.

 

Following your Dreams Realistically:

My Journey in Discovering and Applying True Discipline

Part 1

 

Since around the time that I was sixteen and my older brother asked me what my dream was, I thought to myself, “I can dream?”. You see, I was born and raised in a family where my dad had been raised as a dreamer, pursuing becoming an artist and an environmental designer and a developer and eventually he met my mother, a nurse at that time, and settled on architecture. You see, my dad had come from a family of doctors, wealthy and talented, but he was always the one borrowing money for college, student debt later, and eventually my family growing up. My mom from all accounts was a little bit of a goody-two-shoes but a very disciplined and organized woman. Strangely, making what some would consider an irresponsible choice, she quit nursing after marrying my dad, and had the expectation that he would become the breadwinner in the family.

Life may have played out differently for me so far if I had been raised with my mom providing a stable income and my dad being an artist or whatever he would end up doing, but that was not the case. He worked countless jobs and nine years after he promised to get rich quick and buy land and build within a year of moving to a 500k condo in southern California, he finally got his architecture license and our family continued to struggle but survive. Or perhaps we were relatively well off and comfortable, but growing up, I always felt that something was lacking, and money was constantly a source of strain in our family. I had always assumed that I had to be the cookie cutter person my parents and religion seemed to dictate. However, as I started on the typical teenage brain development and started to question where life was taking me, I realized I just didn’t want this cookie cutter life and I opted out.

For some people this probably seems normal, but my way out was to go to college. I wanted to be independent and earn my own money just so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. I wanted to find a safe space where I could grow and learn more about myself and become the person I wanted to be, whatever that was supposed to mean. Now, in my second year of college, I have learned a lot, but perhaps more importantly, learned that I indeed don’t really know anything at all. Despite my feelings of loneliness and feeling especially single, (which I tell myself is not my main focus right now), I waiver between wanting to go all in and risk it all on a dream, of what exactly I’m not sure maybe singing or acting since I feel like that would awaken my passion and be more desirable to what I may be setting myself up for with a Business Management degree. Maybe college was not the way to go because I’m currently very broke and constantly hating myself for being forced to borrow a couple hundred dollars a month to pay for college now that a grant fell through. Despite me sometimes wallowing in the self-hate that comes from the act of borrowing money itself, I tell myself that it will be okay, its only for a time, and eventually I’ll be able to stop hating myself and stand on my own two feet.

While feeling burdened with the stress of not making enough money at my job, I wonder if I should take drastic measures and become a workaholic. At the same time, I feel like my life might be wasting away if I don’t find something, I love quick so that my ever-achieving personality is satiated. I constantly have looked into modeling work and auditions and things that I think would be fun, but then wonder if its just the idealized version of these things that I’m drawn to and am remined that your value is not defined by your popularity or what everyone else sees you as. I asked Google, of course, whether I should follow my dreams or work to death and was reminded that it takes balance. And it takes a whole lot of hard work. Someone said in the article I was reading ‘It’s true motivation only gets you started but it’s your habit and ultimately discipline that gets the job done’.

While I have this goal of being respected and enjoying my life in the future, I’m embarrassed to show people my apartment room which pretty much always a mess and constantly overthinking my very weird sleep schedule. I was concerned the past week about having enough money for food, as I’ve spent mine and other’s cash on college payments, have a broken car window, and am not even paying for my phone bill and car insurance. Yes, I barely was able to leave my house and go to college and I’m barely making it here. I’m telling myself ‘darling you got a bit of things to worry about before you even start thinking about singing or whatever the heck you could possibly be thinking to dream’. I tell myself, the truth is, unless I am willing to work for it, how is it even going to get any better.

I’ve got a note for myself on my whiteboard that says, “Don’t even complain unless you are already giving it your all.” No, if you were wondering, I don’t ever feel like I’m giving it my all and honestly, I don’t even know if I’ve ever tried. I know its not healthy to be a perfectionist and that loving and forgiving yourself is important, but its easier to drown myself in Netflix and other random things that let me forget the constant strain I’m feeling in my life. I told myself that I would ban those things in excess from my life, which has helped, but not improved the situation that much. But what should I do, the stress is real but I’m not stupid enough to be wasted on drugs and alcohol and be a slave to other things, at least is what I assume.

Through all this word vomit, I think any reasonable person would say that I need to change something. Sure life is unfair and all, and my friends are all being given a free ride through college and complaining about their own dramas, I find myself being spiteful and knowing I need to kick my own butt and do something about the mess that I’m in. My aunt once told me about how some successful people have seven pairs of the same business clothes so that they have less things to distract themselves with and can spend their valuable mental energy on other things that they want to be thinking about and focusing themselves in other ways. Taking a note from that, it becomes obvious what that thing that I need in my life is, and it is discipline.

 

Through out the next few entries, I hope to understand and practice habits of discipline in my life and see where it takes me. I know that I might seem cynical, like I’m making a lot of stupid decisions, and maybe talking more about myself than you would like, but please have patience and give me some time to figure life out, because, aren’t we all?


Submitted: December 01, 2020

© Copyright 2021 megan matthews. All rights reserved.

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Criss Sole

This was very relatable, and took me back to when i was going to university and the worries and struggles i faced.
I wish you the best in your experience, and thank you for sharing.

Wed, December 2nd, 2020 6:40am

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