Uranian Acorns

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic



Señor Montgomery possessed superb credentials from several universities and even had a few years of experience doing complex inter-quagulatory data analysis. Scanning job postings on his modular information relater (the equivalent of a computer in the future) one night, he spotted a position at TRIPEX Corp, a company dealing with robust pharmaceuticals harvested from trans-Atlantic acorns that were grown on Neptune. The pay and benefits were excellent.

“Why, I fit the bill for this,” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Now granted, I have more schooling than the job requires, and my experience specifically focused on data quagulations from acorns harvested on Uranus, but still, close enough. After all, the hiring personnel will clearly see that I’m intelligent and can be trained.”

Focusing his thoughts, his modular information relater accessed his resume (computers in the future can read minds) and promptly submitted it to the company’s website. But it was for naught. The company didn’t care that Montgomery was intelligent and had some experience with acorns on Uranus. In fact, seconds after Montgomery’s relater appropriately reconfigured his resume, the person in charge of hiring, a certain Maximanius Dewlapitus, was notified of the application and its suggested rejection. Scanning the resume and noticing the lack of experience dealing with Neptunian acorns, Maximanius laughed derisively before announcing that this individual could not and would not be hired. After drafting a polite rejection letter explaining that Montgomery was actually over-qualified in education but yet didn’t possess the exact iota of experience required, Maximanius leaned back in his chair and thanked God that he lived in a society where everything that was anything fit properly into the myriads of preconceived, mathematically deduced slots.

“Experience with Uranian acorns my ass,” he said to himself. There was no possible way that someone without a concentration in Neptunian acorns could dare work for him.

When Montgomery received the news via the return function on his relater, he was most distraught.

“If only I had majored in Neptune studies when I pursued my IPhD (that’s “interplanetary PhD” to you non-future types). Instead, I focused solely on Uranus.”

Montgomery began examining other job postings and soon realized the frivolity of it all. He was done. His path had been carved ages ago. Training was no longer an option and you had to meet the qualifications for a given position exactly. Had he had a background in history, he would have known that employer flexibility as a concept died out sometime in the late twentieth century as artificial intelligence began screening out job applicants and as employers began no longer caring about having innovative and intellectually diverse employees (even though they all claimed to support equality and diversity). But why would he study history? Everybody knew that there weren’t jobs in that.

Submitted: December 03, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Michael Wyner. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Michael Wyner

Why is the formatting all messed up? Grrrrrr

Thu, December 3rd, 2020 3:44am

Michael Wyner

Also, it's not 3:44am on December 3. This website is on crack.

Thu, December 3rd, 2020 3:47am

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