Why can't I be like everyone else?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Short story with an insight as to what it's like to live with anxiety

I wish I could be normal, like all the other teens in my school. Why me? Why, of all the people in the world, why did I have to have anxiety? Every single day, I worry. I worry about every day things that no one else worries about. I'm only 15 years old yet I hate my life to the point where I sometimes don't even want it anymore. But it's not because I struggle with depression. I was so happy until I started to develop anxiety. Everything was going amazingly. I was living my best life. Then, I started having panic attacks. To start with I didn't know what they were. All I knew was I kept having these weird moments where I could barely breathe. My heart pounds in my chest as if it is going to burst. My limbs tremble so much to the point I can barely walk. Sometimes it gets to the point where my vision goes blurry and I can barely see. They are so scary and nobody understands what I am going through. I wish somebody would understand how hard it was. I can't go anywhere or do anything without panicking. One of the things anxiety makes so hard is school. Exams are stressful without anxiety, but when you have anxiety, it's ten times worse. All the negative thoughts take over, making it impossible to concentrate and revise. I constantly worry about what may happen if I fail and how it could affect my future. Unnecessary thoughts control my life all the time and I hate it, why can't I just be normal? 

 

Here we go again. Yet another stressful day at school. As I entered the gates, teachers saying good morning, I had already started to panic. I started to feel sick and tremble. My heart started thumping. First day back after lockdown. What happens if I catch corona? What if I infect my brother? He is vulnerable and it could be really harmful for him to get it. I wasn't ready for this. I hadn't socialized properly for months and now suddenly I am back at school with hundreds of people. Negative thoughts started to take over. All I could think about was the worst case scenario for every situation. What if I got teachers that didn't understand that as much as I tried, I really can't speak in front of the whole class? It genuinely wasn't possible for me to do so. I try so hard but I cannot do it. I know how it ends and I really don't want to have a panic attack at school.

 

My first lesson of the day was English. The one subject I was so nervous about. I was always good at English and I enjoyed it. Well, until I got to year 8. I don't know what happened but my favorite subject turned into my least subject, all because of one teacher. The second I walked into my first English lesson in year 8 I knew it was going to go badly. The teacher was horrible. I was right. I did badly the whole year and have never done well in English since then.

 

The first English lesson of year 10, first one since before lockdown. Nervously, I walked in. As I sat down, something just felt right. My new teacher seemed so nice and I had a feeling I was going to enjoy English again this year. I was still so nervous because I used to be in a lower set but I was moved to the top set. I don't think I was ready for it yet. 

 

As the term went on my anxiety got worse. End of term exams drew nearer and I started getting more and more anxious. They didn't even mean anything but I still panicked about them. All my friends kept telling me to speak to someone but I can't, not yet. It was too nerve racking. Nobody would really care though, would they?  Anyway, what would I say to them? Oh yeah by the way I panic over everything for no reason. They wouldn't understand and also, who would I speak to? 

 

The dreaded time of year had come. End of term exams. I couldn't do it. They were too stressful. I don't understand why we had to do them. All it does is causes stress and anxiety. My anxiety was getting too much for me to handle on my own. It was getting to the point where I couldn't relax at all. I started to realize that maybe I should speak to someone. Maybe it would help. But who would I speak to? Who could I trust enough to talk to them about everything? 

 

I had finally decided to speak to someone at school. It was going to be so hard but hopefully worth it. I didn't want to live like this for the rest of my life. As I approached the one teacher I trusted enough to talk to, I started to feel sick. I wasn't sure if I could do this. My heart started pounding. Focusing on everything but the fact I was struggling to breathe, I started to calm down.  I knew this would be the right thing to do. 

 

It felt so good to get it off my chest and speak about everything. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was hard but once I started talking about it, it got easier. One day, I will be able to do every day things without panicking. However, for now, I have told someone and I will get the right help soon. Hopefully, all these panic attacks and not being able to go out without having really bad anxiety will stop so I can live my life happily. It will get better one day, I know it will.

 


Submitted: December 13, 2020

© Copyright 2021 m.louise. All rights reserved.

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Comments

M.C.R.

I'm so sorry that that's what your going through :(
This short story was very expressive, and I think that with your writing abilities, you could maybe write something bigger, that will help you relieve everything. I don't know if it works for everyone, but my theory is that if you have a strong feeling, you could funnel it into writing, no matter which feeling, anxious, sad, mad, happy, excited, and more! because for me, when I get a strong feeling, I right away sit down and write, and it feels good and relieving!
You should really try it out ;)
Now I'm gonna get back onto topic, your writing is amazing, and good luck with everything :)
~M.C.R.~

Sun, December 13th, 2020 6:35pm

Author
Reply

Thank You! I have always enjoyed writing and when I was in primary school I used to want to be an author. Now I am slightly older I know how hard it could be and I have a completely different career path. I tend to write when i don't know how to explain how I am feeling. Some of the content is actually from my notes on my phone when I am too overwhelmed to speak. Thank you so much!!

Sun, December 13th, 2020 12:49pm

M.C.R.

Your welcome (even if I barely did anything ;) )

Mon, December 14th, 2020 12:24am

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