My Best Friend Bert - #28

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Bert can't start his SUV. So he called me?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, my best friend, Bert, doesn't know the first thing about modern cars; not that I know a-hell-of-a-lot.

And because I don't, and don't want to learn, I have a classic old pick-up truck. It gets me where I want to go, and it doesn't try to talk to me, do the steering for me, or hit the brakes when I don't want them hit. It's got just the basics, and I like that!

Same way with my phone. First of all, I wouldn't even carry one if not for the wife. She says I have to have one so she can get a-hold of me quickly; hell, I'm retired so I'm home more often than not; so call me on the house phone.

Anyway, I have one of those flip-phones, it cost $35 and I pay $100 once a year for the service.

Unlike my wife, who says that she has to have something that she can Text the kids, grand-kids, her friends, and church people on; not to mention that it has to have Face-time, whatever that is. But, hay, she's still working part-time so we can write most of the cost off as a business expense; anyway, that what she tells me.


Getting back to Bert.

A while back, I told you that Bert bought a brand new SUV, and it has all the bells and whistles that money can buy. The problem is that, "All The Bells and Whistles" on today's vehicles are not the same "Bells and Whistles" that came on the cars of yesterday; totally different stuff. So when Bert called me and wanted to know what a certain light on his dash meant, I said, "Look in your owner's manual."

"I Can't," Bert replied, "don't remember where I put it."

I thought for a moment, then I stated, "Call the service department at the dealership where you take it for service."

That is when Bert got mad, he said, "Don't you think I thought of that? If I call them and ask what the light means, then they will think I'm just a stupid old fart that doesn't know anything about cars.

I make it a rule to never let service department personnel think that I don't know what I should know. If I do, then they will try to put one over on me when I take the vehicle in for service."

"Put one over on you?" I questioned.

Bert replied, "Yah, you know, they'll try to sell me filters and stuff before I need them."

"How would you know if you didn't need them?" I asked.

"I'd look in the Owner's Manuel," Bert stated.

You mean the Owner's Manuel that you can't find?" I queried.

Bert shot back with, "Yeah, well, I'll find it sooner or later."

So I questioned, "Do you really think the dealership's personnel are going to remember that you called and asked about a light on the dash?"

There was silence for a moment, then Bert said, "Are you coming over here to look at this light, or not?"

I replied, "It's almost lunch time, want that I should stop at Betty's Burgers and Beer on the way over?"

Bert shot back with, "Does a bear do his stuff in the woods?"


Well, I stopped at Betty's and got our usual.

And by the time I got to Bert's house he had dismantled half of the inside of his SUV; I mean, if it was able to be removed without a wrench, it was out on the driveway and next to the car.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, as I carried our lunches to the patio tables.

"Looking for the service manual," Bert quickly replied.

I already knew the answer to my next question, but I asked it anyway. As I chuckled, I asked, "Did you find it?"

Bert just grumbled and grabbed the food bag.


After lunch, we went back to the SUV so I could see the mysterious light that was on the dashboard. Bert got into the driver's seat, put his foot on the brake, and pushed a large black button that had the word, "START", written on it.

"See," Bert said as he pointed at the Red Light that lite-up on the dash. Then Bert stated, "It looks like a Key, but this vehicle doesn't have a key, I just carry an electronic Fob with me and as long as I have the Fob in my pocket, the Vehicle starts. But today it didn't start, all I got was this Light."

I smiled, then asked, "Did you change pants this morning?"

Bert replied, "Yeah, how did you know?"

So I asked Bert, "Did you put all your stuff from yesterday's pants into today's pants, including the Fob?"

Bert reached down and felt his pocket, but what he said after that is not repeatable in mixed company.


Well, after Bert's little tirade, I helped him replace all the stuff that he had taken out of the car.

And as I was doing so, I found a leather-bound case that was stuffed between his wife's driving gloves and the big wad of napkins that Bert always keeps in the glove box; the case was labeled, Owner's Manual.

Snicker, snicker, don't tell Bert.



D. Thurmond / JEF


Submitted: December 15, 2020

© Copyright 2021 D. Thurmond aka JEF. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Serge Wlodarski

My car sends me an email every month letting me know how it's feeling. Who knows how long before the machines take over.

Wed, December 16th, 2020 1:01pm


They are already attaching themselves to our bodies, the i-phones; don't leave home without it. ... LOL

Wed, December 16th, 2020 1:54pm

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