The Darkness Inside of Me: A Collection of Poems

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

A collection of poems about sadness, loneliness, fear, and anger.

1.

Cycle of Tears

A hateful word.

A cruel betrayal.

A mean action.

Anything can hurt me,

Everything hits me hard,

No matter how small it is.

 

I want to stop.

I can't stop.

I tell myself to stop, stop, stop,

But I. Just. Can't.

 

The world spins.

All sounds are muted.

Time is slowed,

Slowed to a painfully slow pace.

 

Tears fall.

Tears that have betrayed me.

They come faster now,

But still, I can't stop.

 

At last, the tears don't fall anymore.

I am a lot better now.

I am okay.

Happy, even.

But then it happens again.

 

The cycle goes on forever.

It's a circle.

I can never escape.

 

2.

Wishes

I wish I was able to go back in time.

I wish I hadn't done all of those things.

I wish I could fly high into the sky,

And never come back down.

 

I wish that my wishes would come true,

But I know that that won't happen.

I wish I had never been born,

But I know that it's already happened.

 

I wish they wouldn't make fun of me,

But I know that they always will.

I wish they would stop expecting so much of me,

But I know that they never will.

 

I wish I was able to go back in time.

I wish I hadn't done all of those things.

I wish I could fly high into the sky,

And never come back down.

 

3.

Why

Why?

Why do people always expect me to be perfect?

The expect me to get perfect scores,

Be neat and organized,

But sometimes, I just can't be.

 

I can't be what they want me to be.

I'm not the perfect person they see.

I don't know why they think I can do it all.

All I know is that I will fail.

 

Why did they choose me to be their favourite,

The best?

The only thing I want is to be invisible

From their expectant eyes.

 

They want me to be perfect.

But I can't.

I just can't.

 

4.

The Flames Inside of Me

I close my eyes,

And the flame of hatred burns inside of me.

I close my eyes,

And feel the fire spread.

The flames consume me.

 

All the fury I had pent up

Escapes from its cage.

It swallows me whole

And I can't think of anything

But how much I hate him.

 

All of those horrible memories

Of what he did

Flood back into my mind,

Breaking their barrier.

 

All those insults, names he called me,

Are spoken in my mind.

Whispered in his voice.

 

No tears anymore.

I'm done with crying.

I don't feel hurt.

All I feel is a hot and furious rage.

 

I close my eyes,

And the flame of hatred burns inside of me.

I close my eyes,

And feel the fire spread.

The flames consume me.

 

5.

Memories

They attack me.

I'm reading, writing,

Whatever I'm doing at the time,

And they hit me.

 

They cover my eyes

So all I can see

Are the memories.

They penetrate

The wall in my mind

And flood through me.

 

They take control of me

And there is nothing I can do

To stop them from coming.

I can only watch the memories

I tried to keep away.

 

All of my bad memories

Are played in my head.

I relive the worst times in my life

Over and over again,

One after another

Until I can rebuild the border.

 

Even my own mind,

My own memories,

Are turning against me.

 

6.

Gone

I can hear it in your words.

I can see it in your actions.

You don't want me here.

You never did.

 

You are the reason why

I feel empty, lonely, sad.

The reason why I cry every day.

The reason I yearn for past times,

To the times before this started.

 

Every day, because of you, I feel invisible, unwanted, abandoned.

You walk past me like I'm not there.

You talk to me like you want me gone.

I wonder how you would react

If I really went away

And never came back.

 

Happy?

No.

Sad?

No,

You wouldn't be happy because you never noticed I was here before.

You wouldn't be sad because this is what you want.

Really, I think

You would never even notice I was gone at all.

 

7.

Silence

I try to speak, but I can't.

I open my mouth,

But no sounds come out.

 

You ask me a question.

You talk to me.

But I don't talk back.

 

I try to speak,

But when I try to open my mouth,

I can't.

It's glued shut.

 

The whole day passes.

And I haven't said a word.

Once again, I try to speak, but still,

All I hear

Is silence.

 

8.

Empty

I can't feel anything anymore.

I reach deep inside of me,

But nothing's there.

It's empty.

 

9.

Go

Go away.

Leave me.

Get away from me.

Now.

 

Is it not enough to call me names,

Hit me,

Kick me?

You hate to stay around

To watch the aftermath,

Don't you?

 

You just have to see

How hard I cry,

How hurt I am,

How much anger and sadness there is in me.

 

Just go away.

All of you.

Each and every single one of you,

No matter who you are.

Even if you're my friend.

Even if you want to make sure I'm okay.

I don't care.

Leave me.

Get away from me.

Now.

 

10.

Panic

My palms sweat.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

My heart beats quickly,

Faster and faster,

Louder and louder,

Until its pounding is all I can hear.

 

Every single day, I'm like this.

 

When I see you,

I lose control,

Because I know you still hate me.

 

When I have to talk,

I'm like this,

Because who knows what I'll accidentally let slip.

 

When I do anything that's normal,

I'm like this,

Because I just have to overthink the simplest of the simplest things.

 

When it's dark and I can't see,

I'm like this,

Because I know the shadows are out to get me.

 

11.

Alone

I'm surrounded by people,

Yet I'm all alone.

I'm there,

And yet I'm not.

 

12.

Not Okay

It's not okay.

 

You keep saying I'm fine,

Everything's fine,

But it's not.

 

You don't know.

You don't know what's happening.

You don't know what they're saying to me.

You don't know what I think of myself.

You don't know what it's like at home.

You.

Don't.

Know.

 

So stop saying it's okay.

Because it's not.

 

13.

Trapped

I try to speak,

But my mouth won't open.

the words get tangled inside of me.

 

I try to tell you,

But the words won't come out.

They are stuck, trapped,

Just like me.

 

14.

Monster in the Dark

I step into the darkness

And let it envelope me.

I wait for my monster to come.

 

I hear is light footsteps echoing,

And my breathing becomes rapid and sharp.

I feel his cold breath down my back,

And shake in both cold and fear.

 

I close my eyes,

And wait for it all to be over.

 

15. (Untitled)

I look out the window,

But I see nothing.

I touch the wall,

But I feel nothing.

I eat a candy,

But I taste nothing.

I am here,

But I am there.

I am there,

But I am here.

 

16.

Lonely

People.

Everywhere around me.

But lonely.

So lonely.

 

17.

Leaving

When she left,

She took away my happiness.

 

She took away my childhood and my innocence.

She took away my smile.

 

But then you came.

You gave me back my confidence,

My pride.

 

When you left,

You took away everything.

 

You took away my belief in myself,

My ability to laugh,

My trust in other people,

Even my writing and my music,

The only two things that made me feel better.

 

I hope you're happy.

 

18.

Always

Every single morning.

Every single morning, I wake up happy.

And every single morning,

Something always,

Always happens.

 

Every single time

Something always happens

And it snatches away all my positive feelings,

And replaces them with the feelings

I had tried so hard to keep out.

 

Always.

 

19.

Silver Scissors

I run silently

Across the room

Looking for the thing

I need the most.

 

I pick it up,

Examining the smooth,

Shiny,

Perfect blades.

 

I open it wide,

And press it to my skin.

 

I drag it

From one side of my wrist

To another.

 

I watch

As the blood spools out.

 

I feel the sting,

The pain.

 

I enjoy the hurt.

 

I transfer the anger

From my head

To my bones.

 

I let the tears fall out.

They have nothing to do

With the pain.

 

I pick up the scissors

To do it again.

 

20. (Untitled)

I force myself

To hold back the tears

Before I lose control.

 

21. (Untitled)

I try to break free

Of the darkness surrounding me

But it's impossible.

 

22. (Untitled)

I try to hold myself together

Before I break apart.

 

23. (Untitled)

Frantically, I pick up the pieces

Of my shattered self,

And attempt to piece them

Back together,

But inside I know

I'll never be the same

Again.

 

24. (Untitled)

I feel my hands

Hit the sides

Of the spiral I am stuck in,

Trying to stop

My everlasting descent,

But I only fall

Further down.

 

25.

Ironic

It is strange

How the people

I love the most

Are also the people

I hate the most

Because they are the ones

Who tie me down

To this world

I so badly

Want to leave.

 

26.

The Struggle

With each day

More feelings of hopelessness and despair

Creep into me

As I struggle

To see the sun

Hiding behind the clouds.

 

27.

Without You

Without you,

The light is slowly being covered

Once more,

Bit

By bit,

Until only a sliver remains.

 

28. (Untitled)

Every day,

A little of the light comes in,

But so does the dark.

 

29.

All Alone

Now that I'm all alone,

I feel more and more

Happiness and freedom,

But also more and more

Abandoned and lost.

 

Now that I'm all alone,

I become more and more

Drawn to the windows,

Wondering if the fall would kill me.

Bottles of medicaion,

Wondering if the pills are strong enough.

Lengths of rope,

Wondering what I could hang it from.

 

Now that I'm all alone,

It's harder to think,

To hold on,

To sort out the difference

Between my dreams and reality.

 

I can't live like this much longer.

 

30.

Day and Night

During the day,

I make sure to keep my fake smile plastered on my face.

During the day,

I laugh and I act like I'm fine.

 

Now that it's night,

I let the tears fall down.

I listen to the quiet sound

Of tears splashing on my pillow.

I listen to the jagged uneven sound

Of my gasping breaths.

I hit the wall and I cut my skin,

Trying to feel through the pain.

Now that it's night,

I can show my true self again.

 

31. (Untitled)

I run towards the only patch of light in the darkness,

But every time I get closer,

It gets darker.

 

32. (Untitled)

Some days I run from the darkness.

Other days,

I run towards it.

 

34. (Untitled)

I'm in a house fulll of people,

But in a room all by myself.

 

35. (Untitled)

You put my heart back together,

So you could tear it apart yourself.

 

36.

Room

I lie still in my room

Which is my sanctuary,

In the house,

Which is my hell.

 

37.

Eternal Night

I've been trapped

In an eternal night

For so long

That I've forgotten

What the sun looks like.

 

38. (Untitled)

Sometimes it hurts more when I'm smiling

Than it does when I'm crying.

 

39.

Saved

I don't want to be saved.

I know you want me to be strong,

But I can't be for too long.

I know you want me to hold on tight,

But I've long since given up my fight.

Just let me pick up the knife,

Just let me end my life.

 

40.

Another

Another day with ten new fears.

Another day crying more tears.

Another night listening to the rain.

Another night remembering the pain.

 

41.

No Way Out

I wish I could stop falling down,

But I'm in too deep,

There's no way out.

 

42. (Untitled)

Night after night I lay awake,

Worrying about tomorrow until it makes me break.

 

43. (Untitled)

No matter how hard I fought,

I could never stop my thoughts.

 

44. (Untitled)

I was always able to run away from everyone else,

But the one person I could never escape was myself.

 

45. (Untitled)

When I smile,

You don't notice the pain in my eyes.

When I talk,

You don't notice my outright lies.

In your mind

I'm perfectly alright.

But in real life,

I'm anything

But fine.

 

46. (Untitled)

How am I supposed to love life

When I don't even like myself?

 

47.

Can't

I can't do anything right.

I can't continue my fight.

I can't love myself.

I can't just ask for help.

I can't put down the scissors.

I can't stop crying rivers.

I can't get a good night's sleep.

I can't even eat.

I can't talk in front of the class.

I can't naturally laugh.

I can't see the sun.

I can't stop hating everyone.

I just can't.

 

48.

See

Purple shadows under my eyes,

Showing all the sleepless nights.

Fresh red lines on my skin,

Pain to feel something within.

Skin wrapped tight around the bone,

To this body food is unknown.

Heart broken and soul empty,

But you will never see.

 

49. (Untitled)

I've spent so long pretending to be someone else,

That I can't even find myself.

 

50.

Days Like This

On days like this, 

It’s hard to smile.

It feels like there’s lead

Implanted in the corners of my mouth,

Pulling them down.

 

On days like this,

Sleeping is impossible.

The sun sets and it rises

With my eyes open for both.

 

On days like this,

Thoughts weigh me down.

My mind fights against me,

Memories swallow me whole.

 

On days like this,

Silence is the best.

Who knows what I’ll say

If I open my mouth.

 

On days like this,

Eating isn’t a possibility.

My stomach rebels against food,

And the little I swallow

Comes back out.

 

On days like this,

Watching others hurts.

Seeing them smile and laugh together

Makes me wonder why I couldn’t be like them.

 

On days like this,

I take out scissors,

Or razors,

Or knives.

Anything.

Pain is the only thing

That keeps me sane.

 

On days like this,

Breathing is difficult.

I am suffocated by the darkness around me.

Suffocated by the darkness inside.

 

On days like this,

I just want to let go.

And finally,

Be free from the darkness.


Submitted: December 20, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Luna Cai. All rights reserved.

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Luna Cai

I apologize about the strange formatting and inconsistent font size, whenever I view it in the editor it looks fine but when I post it it messes itself up again. I'll try to fix it.

Sun, December 20th, 2020 6:06pm

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