This Diet Is About Done

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Just 2 more treatment days to go. Put a fork in my ass, I’m DONE.


This Diet Is About Done


Hey guys! Howzit goin’?


I gotta confession to make. (Hangs head in shame while focusing my gaze on the toe of my right sneaker as it grazes across the ground in a slow back and forth arc). 


I couldn’t make the whole 44 day low fiber diet thing. There! I said it! It’s out in the open now. I TRIED. Really, I did.


I mean, I get this printout from a DOCTOR that tells me to eat all of the pudding, and jello, and ice cream that I want.  You’d think that it would be a little slice of heaven. Right?


Well it’s NOT! It’s haaarrrd!


The single printed page  that I received from the health center was on Western Washington Medical Group letterhead, (complete with the official logo). This simple corporate designation automatically granted the document a superior air of authority and credibility not normally afforded to such a scrap pushed into existence via the paper output tray of your average office grade all-in-one printer.


Immediately below the logo in a very large, very bold font, clearly the largest single line of text on this sparse page is the banner.  “LOW FIBER DIET - THESE ARE THE ONLY ALLOWED FOODS”


Well then. There you have it. No grey area to be had, no “wiggle” room, no room for interpretation. As cut and dried as any verdict ever rendered in any kangaroo court in the world. “ONLY ALLOWED”. Rather removes any guess work, wouldn’t you say?


Immediately below this, still in larger font than anything on the page aside from the previous, is this General Rule (The underline belongs to the WWMG). “DO NOT eat anything with any of the following: nuts, seeds, raw fruits, seeds, raw vegetables, corn, beans, whole grains, or popcorn.”


Ain’t THAT a bitch? No popcorn!  How’s a fella s’posed to enjoy a solitary evening watching Netflix?


Have I mentioned that I’m diabetic? Sooo, all of the items that fall under the General Rule are the foodstuffs that a diabetic boy such as myself would normally partake of to counteract the bid “D”. How the hell is THAT supposed to work? 


I’ll tell you how. It doesn’t.


So you see, all of the cakes and puddings and popsicles, all of the hard candy and pretzels, all of the waffles and pancakes and syrup, all of the almond butter and honey and tofu  ALLOWED on this diet, these are the things that I am not supposed to be eating, under normal circumstances.


Well, I’m not 100% on the tofu. But if I’m gonna make a mistake, I’d rather err on the side of safety.


Oh, and let’s not forget the soups. Lots and LOTS of soups. Soups are very low in fiber, and therefore on the approved list.  If I never see another pot of soup for the rest of my days, that would suit me just fine! 


We won’t even get into the whole “heart healthy” diet thing that they gave me after my double by-pass. Let’s just say my heart’s not into it.


So I’ve tried to stick with the program for the 44 days of my treatment. Honest injun!


But to be completely honest, the original plan of 44 treatment days broke down to 25 days of regular radiation plus 19 more days of new and improved radiation. After we started counting over again, after the original 25 treatment days, which incidentally included an additional 10 weekend days which, while not encapsulating treatment per se, did require the same dietary restrictions as all of the other days.


The 19 new and improved radiation days also enveloped an additional 10 days made up of weekend days and holidays, which again, while not “according to Hoyle” treatment days, also endeavored to impose the health-o-licious dietary constraints upon yours truly.


Not happening. After 64 total days, I’ve reached the end of my soup.


There are only so many alterations or enhancements that a person may implement with regard to a basic store bought soup. I think my most creative soupy endeavor along the 64 day path of culinary madness was barbecued rib soup. A masterpiece of epic dietary proportions, if I do say so myself, which technically did fall within the given parameters as defined on page one.


I mean, it wasn’t quite a macaghetti grade enhancement. But at least I didn’t become violently ill. Some of my other culinary experiments Costco eggnog fudge, animal crackers with whipped cream, and Pillsbury ham and cheese croissants also stretched the rules a bit. Oh well.


All this while my primary care guy was as worried about my diabetes as I was about the cancer. Good luck with THAT.


Whatever. Tuesday is my last day of radiation treatment. Still have quite a curriculum of hormone shots to deal with over the next few years, with whatever side effects one might expect to complicate matters. Mood swings, man boobs, even hot flashes. Sounds like fun stuff. 


Whatevs. I skated through this ordeal with no lasting trauma. It’s all good.


Screw it! Maybe I’ll have another bowl of barbecued rib soup.


Peace. Out.







Submitted: December 20, 2020

© Copyright 2021 ShadyBrady. All rights reserved.

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