My Best Friend Bert - #29

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Bert comes up with the silliest ideas.

 Bert's wife is going crazy having to stay home, so she has taken up a new hobby, baking; Bert and I have gained five pounds in the process and today will add even more, I'm sure.

You see, instead of Betty's Burgers once in awhile, Bert and I are now having a steady diet of homemade sandwiches, with freshly baked Bread.

To transform the bread into sandwiches, I drop by the deli and picked up stuff. Today it is some Baby-Swiss Cheese, Honey-baked ham, and Mortadella; everything very thin sliced.


Anyway, Bert and I were having lunch on the patio and discussing fishing, of all things.

Bert has a Bass-Boat that stays in his garage most of the time, because Bert talks fishing more than goes fishing.

Bert's garage has never been a place where Bert keeps cars, no, other stuff goes in there. Stuff like a work bench where Bert constructs his own fishing Flies, Bobs, and Sinkers. And there is one wall just filled with fishing rods and reels, plus all needed gauges of the appropriate size fishing line.

Anyway, I was just about to bite down on a hefty sized Gherkin when Bert said, "Let's take my boat out and go fishing, I got a whole week before my Shriner's meeting comes up. It'll be a blast!"

Boy was I surprised, after all I'm not a fishing sort of person. My idea of fishing is sitting on a dock and casting a hook in the water without any bait on it. Then I sit down and drink in the atmosphere and the surrounding natural wonders; I can do that for hours.

So when Bert said that he wanted me to go with him, and on a boat, no-less, I had to find a way out, quick. You see, I get seasick easily, even in small boats.

I stammered, then I hem and hawed around for awhile, and after all that I blurted out the question, "What is the seat to seat distance on the boat? We have to maintain six feet between us, you know the rules."

I really didn't think Bert would know the answer to that, so I felt safe for the moment; just one moment. Bert shot back with, "I have an extra bass-seat, so from the forward Bass-seat to the rear Bass-seat would be six and one-half feet, give or take an inch or so. So we should be fine."

I was about to panic, I didn't want to go fishing!

It was the first days of Winter, there was no snow but the weather still sucked.

And being stuck with Bert for a full week was really not my cup of tea. Bert is fine for a day, but for a week? I don't think so.

So I replied, "We will have to take two vehicles cause we both can't sit in the confined quarters of your SUV, that's not six feet apart."

Bert took a bit of his sandwich and just nodded his head in agreement, I was trapped.

I heard Bert's wife on the other side of the driveway fence, she was making snipping noises while winter cutting her Rose bushes, that's when inspiration hit me. I thought of a sure fire way to get out of this Bass Fishing, freeze my butt off, fiasco. So I said, "Hay, maybe the wives would want to go along. I could rent a motor-home and we could all sleep in it at night!"

Bert's wife came around the corner of the fence and said, "That's a great idea! I'll call Marge and see if she's up to it.

Bert cringed, then he coughed as if he was choking, after that he said, "Oh, wait! I'm really sorry but I just remembered an appointment with my Chiropractor, my back has been bothering me lately. Too bad too, it sounds like that would be fun, but maybe I shouldn't be sitting in that boat in such cold weather." Then Bert jumped up and headed to the kitchen to fetch us another beer.

As he closed the door, Bert's wife said, "Well, it looks like I saved you from a fishing nightmare, you owe me, buster."

Then she went back to her trimming, laughing all the way.



D. Thurmond / JEF


Submitted: December 24, 2020

© Copyright 2021 D. Thurmond aka JEF. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


88 fingers

Funny story. Reminds me of the tv show " The Honeymooners" when Ralph and Norton wanted to go fishing without their wives

Thu, December 24th, 2020 9:37pm


Thanks for the comment. ... And yeah, there have been a lot of such stories. I think every one of the 50's TV sitcoms used it.

Thu, December 24th, 2020 4:58pm

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