Cinda

Reads: 194  | Likes: 5  | Shelves: 2  | Comments: 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Review Chain

A Cinderella Story

When the cock crowed that morning, Cinda just knew it would be a terrible day. The feeling was further exacerbated when she stepped into the kitchen to begin a hot breakfast for her stepfamily and noticed the ball invitation with the king’s lavish signature at the bottom. 

The vain attempt to matchmake meant not only did she have to do all the regular chores of cooking, dishes, laundry, and mopping, but she would also have to do her sisters’ hair, makeup, and gown mending. 

And, of course, it was a terrible day. Despite her flawless hard work, she was nitpicked and griped at until she could be patient no longer.

But then her stepfamily left, Cinda settled in for a good cry, a fairy godmother appeared, and before she knew it she was off to the ball herself in a white carriage with ornate gold doors and large, elegant wheels. 

At the ball the prince fixated on her immediately, admiring her gown, her tiara, her diamond earrings, her glass slippers. This wasn’t actually flattering since she didn’t really have anything to do with the ornaments, but she smiled graciously. 

Following the due process of a dancing display, they escaped the cacophony of the ballroom and strolled together through the gardens. 

“And your hair, is that perfume in it I smell?”

Cinda, who was growing tired of the prince’s adoration, replied, “I really couldn’t say, your highness.”

That’s when the clock ticked its first count of twelve. Cinda remembered the rules, and her first instinct was to bolt right out of there. But she paused. Did she really need to run?

*Two, Three, Four*

Shouldn’t it be okay for her to be herself?

*Five, Six, Seven*

Wasn’t it better to be honest?

*Eight, Nine, Ten*

If the prince really did like her, he would be okay without the magic, right?

Two more ticks of the clock, and Cinda’s dress dissolved into rags, her creamy skin was once again covered in soot, and the perfumed ringlets devolved into ordinary, straight hair. 

The prince was aghast. 

“Who--Wha--Evil witch! I demand you bring the princess back straightaway!”

Cinda crossed her arms indignantly. “I *am* the princess. Or rather, I’m a servant girl. It's still me. I haven't changed.”

He sputtered. “But--but you’re so plain!”

“I am *not* plain! I’m intelligent, kind, honest, and a hard worker. Any man would be lucky to have me, with or without glass slippers.”

The prince had heard enough, and turned away from her and back to the stuffed cream puffs awaiting his return in the ballroom. 

Cinda, deciding she could do better, found a spare bicycle near the front gate and rode herself home.

 


Submitted: January 04, 2021

© Copyright 2021 XCulletto. All rights reserved.

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Comments

ThatGreenWriter

Hi! Good luck to everyone who entered!

I have reviewed XCulleto's Cinda!

First of all, can I just say that I love this idea. By putting a twist on the classic 'Cinderella', the reader gets to see a different ide of the loving, caring prince we see in the films. There was some really great language choices throughout the story, and I thoroughly enjoyed this story.

I think that you could make it easier to read by adding more punctuation. For example, the first sentence is: The feeling was further exacerbated when she stepped into the kitchen to begin a hot breakfast for her stepfamily and noticed the ball invitation with the king's lavish signature at the bottom. If you read the whole sentence through in one breath, you end up breathless. To fix this, simply add in a comma or different punctuation you would take a breath. Instead, you could write: The feeling was further exacerbated when she stepped into the kitchen to begin a hot breakfast for her stepfamily, and noticed the ball invitation with the king's lavish signature at the bottom. Just by adding in a few pieces of punctuation, you make your writing easier to read which can lead to readers wanting to read more, as they don't feel out of breath when they finish every other sentence.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story, and would love to read more twisted fairytales.

Lily smile

Mon, January 4th, 2021 3:34pm

Arcturus

An interesting take on Cinderella and a nice read overall!
Also, good luck with the contest!

Sat, January 16th, 2021 9:38pm

Author
Reply

Thanks!

Sat, January 16th, 2021 6:34pm

shika

I loved this story. It had a really good twist. The core of the story about trying not to please others and that, people who'd really love us will love us with the flaws and accept us as we are, is mind-blowing. I'd recommend having kids read this Cinderella version instead of the classic tale since it comes as a great reminder to stand up for oneself instead of giving in to being bullied/falling into despair when there's harsh criticism. This is definitely a masterpiece.

Mon, January 18th, 2021 12:09pm

Author
Reply

Wow, such high praise! Thank you so much!

Mon, January 18th, 2021 8:30am

Harris Proctor

Dear XCulletto,

I try to include some constructive criticism with my comments. I feel like I'm grasping at straws right now. This is awesome. My only (weak) suggestion is to do something with the glass slippers. You expose the insanity of the original so superbly, I wondered aloud why anyone would make shoes out of glass. I've read this piece three times looking for something to suggest. That's all I got :)

Fantastic work. Thanks for sharing it

H.P.

Thu, January 21st, 2021 7:34pm

Author
Reply

Oh well thank you! I appreciate the read and your comment :)

Thu, January 21st, 2021 2:31pm

Stellanotte

I enjoyed your story and love the ending. You manage to say a lot about the characters in a very few words. I thought the bit about the prince returning to the 'stuffed cream puffs' waiting for him was brilliant. For constructive criticism I'd say there are some punctuation issues, nothing major but it does help with reading the story. Also I'd like to see a little more in the paragraph about Cinda crying and the Fairy Godmother showing up. She is the one character we don't get an image of and I'm sure you'd be able to describe her with wit and charm.

Fri, January 22nd, 2021 6:34pm

Archia

I really liked that you took a classic fairytale and put a twist on it. I was wondering if it was going to be different and I enjoyed seeing where you took it. It was nice to see her bit of empowerment at the end and riding home on a spare bicycle is just as good, if not better than riding in a carriage.
The one thing I wanted to see a little more of was descriptions. I felt like it relied heavily on knowing the traditional Cinderella story to fill in the gaps but I would've liked to see something like Cinda's reaction when the fairy godmother appeared or how she felt when her stepfamily didn't let her come.
Aside from that, it was really enjoyable to read and especially nice to see the twist. Cinda can certainly do better than a foolish prince.

Sun, January 31st, 2021 7:32am

Author
Reply

Thank you! I appreciate the read and your opinion. :)

Mon, February 1st, 2021 3:06pm

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