alice's return to wonderland

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

for a woman who gives herself good advice, she never follows it. this time, in her returning trip to wonderland, she finds herself caught in the middle of something more mad than she could possibly imagine. the mad hatter and march hare are pending execution from the queen of hearts, and she is next. to make matters worse, she is not alone, as her cousin thomas, who shares the same amount of curiosity, finds himself in wonderland as well. can she save the mad hatter and march hare from losing their heads without losing her own? can she and thomas once again escape the queens tyrant clutches? how hard can it be? after all, she's done it all before.

ACT I, SCENE I: A RUDE AWAKENING

 

 

 

(Our story begins with a young boy, THOMAS aged 11 sitting at his desk, writing a letter to his parents far away. There is a knock at the door, it is his aunt, and ALICE'S mother, MARTHA.)

 

THOMAS:

Come in.

 

MARTHA:

Thomas, have you seen your cousin, Alice?

 

THOMAS:

Why no, Aunt Martha, I haven’t.

 

MARTHA:

Where do you suppose that girl could be? Have you finished your schoolwork?

 

THOMAS:

Yes, Aunt Martha.

 

MARTHA:

And your chores?

 

THOMAS:

They are done.

 

MARTHA:

Good. Help me look for Alice, will you?

 

THOMAS:

Yes Aunt Martha.

 

MARTHA:

I tell you, I cannot turn my back, without her running off. Check the riverbank. You know as well as I do, she spends her time there, nose pressed into those books of hers.

 

 

(We jump over to the riverbank. As MARTHA said, we find ALICE, leaning against a tree, a book in her lap.Her Cat DINAH is curled up in a ball next to her, purring while ALICE strokes her gently.)

 

ALICE:

Oh Dinah, it’s truly days like these, that make life a bit more beautiful. The day is warm and bright, and it’s the perfect day to go on an adventure, just anywhere in the world. Well our world I should say. We won’t mention that bizarre place.

(DINAH meows in agreement.)

 

ALICE:

Of course, it was rather interesting, if I do say so myself. It was definitely a change from the normal, every day life here.

 

(DINAH puts her paw over her face, knowing that she is about to hear the same story all over again, for the hundredth time.)

 

ALICE:

I think the person I miss most of all, is the Mad Hatter. He’s so misunderstood, much like myself. No one understands, Dinah. In fact, nowadays if you were to speak your mind, most would consider you to be mad! Then of course there was the  Cheshire Cat. But I can’t say I miss him too much, you’re the only cat I’ll ever need.

(DINAH jumps around with joy in ALICE'S lap, making ALICE giggle.)

 

ALICE:

You know, Dinah? There are some days that I dare say I would rather live there, then I would here. Just to have a change of pace. But then again, one cannot dabble in dreams because if they did, they would lose touch with reality! Oh listen to me! Giving myself good advice again. Perhaps I’ll learn one day. (She begins to sing)

 

I dreamt of a place of total nonsense

Another world that’s beyond

Any sort of comments

In a world all of my own

 

The Mad Hatter can riddle on for hours

And I’ve never met any

More disrespectful flowers

In the world all of my own

 

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

Were certainly not the best of company

In the place where White Rabbits run free

In a world all of my own

 

The Queen is

If you’d only been there

You would know

Exactly what I mean

 

She dresses in red

But her heart is black as can be

It’s off with your head

If you paint her Roses believe you me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(ALICE fades off to sleep. She wakes up in alone in a field, away from the river bank, and away from DINAH.)

 

ALICE:

Oh! I must have dozed off! I wonder how long I’ve been asleep? (She opens her eyes, and looks around to find that she is not where she once was.) Where am I? Where’s Dinah? Dinah! Why, this all looks oddly familiar. (She finds a poster with her name and a hand drawn portrait of herself posted on it.) What’s this now? Why, that’s me!  Wanted for treason by her Majesty the Queen? (Silently) The Queen. Oh, no! Not again!

 

(A cat appears on top of a tree branch. It is the CHESHIRE CAT)

 

CHESHIRE:

And the momeraths outgrabe!

 

ALICE:

Oh no! It’s you again!

 

CHESHIRE:

Well it most certainly is not the white Rabbit. (His ears form into that of rabbits) Which reminds me, now that the “Cat is out of the bag”, what brings you here after such a long time? Chasing more rabbits, are we?

 

ALICE:

Oh no, no. Those days are far behind me.

 

CHESHIRE:

No matter, it’s good to see you again. Welcome back.

 

ALICE:

I only wish I could say the same thing! And I hardly call this a welcome.

 

CHESHIRE:

Beg pardon? Oh! I remember now! All the trouble you started during your last stay. You’ve become quite famous here in Wonderland.

 

ALICE:

You mean the trouble you started. And I do not wish to be famous. No matter, I am not staying, I am going home. Straight home! Just as soon as I find my way.

 

(ALICE begins to walk off.)

 

CHESHIRE:

Your way? Have you not learned? All ways here, are The Queen’s way!  And she very well would have had her way with you, had you not woken up when you did.

 

ALICE:

That’s it!

 

CHESHIRE:

What? Do I have a flea? (He searches his body for fleas and ticks)

 

ALICE:

No, no. I’m asleep! I simply must wake myself up!

 

CHESHIRE:

Oh but you’ve just got here!

 

ALICE:

I don’t care! I’ve had my share of nonsense to last me one lifetime, thank you.

 

CHESHIRE:

Well, if you insist. Oh by the way, you’re not asleep.

 

ALICE:

But I am! I must be!

 

CHESHIRE:

It’s not practical!

 

ALICE:

What do you mean?

 

CHESHIRE:

For example, if you were asleep, you couldn’t possibly feel me do this!

 

(The CHESHIRE CAT reaches down and hits ALICE on the back of the head.)

 

ALICE:

Ouch! What in the world was that for?

 

CHESHIRE:

To help me prove my point! If you were asleep, you would still be there, not here. Seeing as you’re here and not there, you are not asleep!

 

(She sits on a log, her arms crossed and pouts. A few MOMERATHS  scurry past her feet.)

 

ALICE:

Oh dear! This is all so dreadfully confusing.

 

CHESHIRE:

Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

 

ALICE:

Of course you wouldn’t! You’re as mad as anything else here.

 

CHESHIRE:

Including you.

 

ALICE:

I most certainly am not!

 

CHESHIRE:

You must be! Otherwise you would never have come here. As I told you before, we’re all mad here. During your last stay, you associated with more mad people than I care to remember.

 

ALICE:

That’s it! The Mad Hatter! I think I’ll visit him.

 

CHESHIRE:

I simply would not recommend it!

 

ALICE:

I think I know what I’m doing. I’ve done it all before.

 

(ALICE begins to walk off again.)

 

CHESHIRE:

That was before. Everything is different nowadays. As I said, I wouldn’t recommend it.

 

ALICE:

And why not?

 

CHESHIRE:

You won’t find him there.

 

ALICE:

Well, where is he?

 

CHESHIRE:

Who?

 

ALICE:

The Mad Hatter of course!

 

CHESHIRE:

It doesn’t seem to come to mind. Although, if I were looking for a Mad Hatter, I would try the dungeon!

 

ALICE:

The dungeon?

 

CHESHIRE:

Yes, he was sentenced to be executed by The Queen! He’ll really lose his head over this, if you know what I mean. (He motions a knife running across his throat)

 

ALICE:

Oh dear! I’ve got to save him!

 

CHESHIRE:

While you’re at it, try not to lose your own. (His head pops off and falls next to him.)  Speaking of which, will you excuse me one moment. (He screws his head back onto his body.) That’s better. This thing is always popping off. And it’s no wonder! I knew I had a screw loose. (He reveals his head, showing a series of bolts and screws of sorts.)

 

 

 

ALICE:

Why you’re no help at all!

 

(She walks away. Meanwhile outside of her dream, THOMAS finds ALICE against the tree. DINAH, is on top of ALICE’S lap pawing her attempting to wake her up. He tries nudging her several times until an apple falls from the tree and lands on his head rendering him unconscious. His body collapses next to ALICE’S. He too, wakes up in a field. Unaware of what has happened.)

 

THOMAS:

What happened? Where am I? (His head writhes in pain) Ouch! Where’s Alice? Alice! ALICE!

 

(THOMAS is able to hear different sounds, terrifying sounds , within the trees in front of him. Most of which are getting closer. He decides the place he is in is not the best and begins to run off. The view of Wonderland has him in awe.)

 

THOMAS:

There’s something oddly familiar about this place, but I can’t put my finger on it. (His stomach growls) I’m hungry!

 

(There, on the branch of  a tree, THOMAS finds a bird nest. His mouth waters over the thought of fried eggs, just as MARTHA makes them. He overlooks the tree for a way to get to the eggs. He begins to  climb up the tree, nearly slipping and falling a few times, but he holds onto the branch for dear life. He inches closer and closer to the eggs until he is hit by MOTHER BIRD.)

 

MOTHER BIRD:

Shoo! Shoo! These eggs are not for you!

 

THOMAS:

Please! I’m hungry!

 

MOTHER BIRD:

No! Shoo! Shoo you serpent! Are you in on this too?

 

THOMAS:

In on what?

 

MOTHER BIRD

Trying to help yourselves to my eggs! Between you and that other serpent! And she has the gall to tell me she’s not a serpent, but just a little girl! The very idea! Can’t go around trusting serpents can we? (She realizes THOMAS is still there.) No matter! Shoo! HELP! SERPENT!

 

 (She circles around his head many times as THOMAS tries to swat her away from him. He runs away from her, into a bush, trying to catch his breath.)

 

THOMAS:

Well! If the birds are anything like she is, I don’t want those eggs! They would be just as rotten! Wait. She said “little girl”. This does seem awfully familiar.

 

(The fear and confusion refuses THOMAS to take in the fact, that none of this is normal, and that birds are not able to talk. Meanwhile, we jump back over to ALICE, as she keeps walking through the forest that seems to stretch on forever.)

 

 

ALICE:

He’s no help. I suppose I’ll have to do everything on my own, is that it? I feel like I’ve been walking for hours!

 

(ALICE walks through a field of flowers and grass unaware that the flowers she is stepping on are the same flowers that accused her of being nothing short of a weed during her last stay. She suddenly stops when she hears a muffled voice that sounds to be just underneath her own feet.)

 

ROSE:

 (muffled) Would you kindly watch where you are going?

 

(ALICE picks up her foot to find a trampled ROSE under her foot.)

 

ALICE:

Oh I’m terribly sorry.

 

ROSE:

No worries my dear. (She brushes herself off and comes face to face with ALICE. Her looks turn from civil to angry.) What else could one expect from a common garden weed! No manners whatsoever!

 

ALICE:

 For the last time! I’m not a weed!

 

ROSE:

Just what are you?

 

ALICE:

I’m a girl!

 

ROSE:

Oh? And what does that make me? I am a rose after all!

 

TIGER LILY FLOWER:

I’m a Tiger Lily!

 

ROSE:

We are the best of the best. If you insist on being a weed, the least you could do is be proud to admit to it!

 

ALICE:

But I’m not! I’m a human!

 

TIGER LILY:

A human? (She laughs) Don’t be silly!

 

ROSE:

Honestly, child. What kind of human would have stalks as thin and scrawny as yours?

 

ALICE:

These are not stalks! They are legs!

 

ROSE:

No matter! Shoo! We don’t associate with your kind!

 

TIGER LILY:

Especially one who delights in putting us under foot and trampling on each of us!

 

ALICE:

Hmmph!

 

(She walks away, her nose turned up with pride. She walks through an alley of trees, each of them have faces on them. There is a field of CATTAILS next to them. The trees are barking at the CATTAILS while the CATTAILS are shuddering and hissing.)

 

ALICE:

Complete nonsense!

 

(ALICE begins to grow tired, and sits on a log, trying to wake herself up.)

 

ALICE:

Wake up, Alice. Wake up! Wake- oh what’s the use! (She sings)

I never listen

It’s not a question

And It’s no wonder

How I get myself in this position

And it explains the trouble that I’ve seen

The grass is blue,

And the sky is green

Here in Wonderland

The trees are barking

At the Cattails

And most people would find it rather swell

But I do not want to dwell

Here In Wonderland

The people here say “Good Night"

Before they ever say “How do you do?”

I thought I had it figured out

But I really haven’t a clue!

What is a girl like me to do

Here in Wonderland?

 

(She sighs) I don’t have time to stop. I must keep moving.

 

 

 

 

(She keeps walking until she hears a familiar voice. It is DODO talking to an unknown stranger. He is wearing his suit, and neckerchief and a powdered wig to top it all off.)

 

DODO:

Why just the other day..

 

ALICE:

Nope! If I stop to talk to him now, I’ll never be out of here.

 

(ALICE tries to quietly pass by DODO without being heard or seen. She is almost away until she steps on a twig making a loud cracking noise. DODO turns around to find ALICE behind him.)

 

DODO:

Ah young Lady! Welcome! Welcome! You’re just in time for a round in the Jolly Caucus Race!

ALICE:

I don’t have time for fun and games Mr. Dodo. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be on my way.

 

DODO:

Just a moment! Before you go, do you have a match? The fire in my bloody pipe has went out again!

 

ALICE:

No, I don’t. I’m sorry. (ALICE leaves )

 

DODO:

No cooperation at all!

 

 

(She walks a little farther until she hears yet another voice that sounds oddly familiar to THE CHESHIRE CAT’S)

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

ALICE:

(She stops) Now what do you suppose he wants now?

 

(She walks back to find THE CHESHIRE CAT humming to himself.)

 

ALICE:

Well?

 

CHESHIRE:

Well what?

 

ALICE:

But didn’t you just call my name?

 

CHESHIRE:

Of course not! I was busy practicing a harmony. It’s a trio as a matter of fact! Composed by me, myself and I!

 

ALICE:

I know you called my name!

 

CHESHIRE:

No I didn’t.

 

ALICE:

Oh really? Then who was it?

 

THE CHESHIRE CAT:

Well it most certainly was not me!

 

(ALICE hears a woman’s voice calling out nearby. It is THE DUTCHESS, who is the owner of THE CHESHIRE CAT. She is a very unattractive, and very heavy set woman. The smell of her body odor causes ALICE to gag, trying her best to hide it to keep polite.)

 

THE DUTCHESS: (to THE CHESHIRE CAT)

There you are! Come along! We’re late for tea and crumpets! 

 

(She scoops the CHESHIRE CAT into her arms, and carries him away, back to her cottage. ALICE, being young, adventurous and curious, decides against her more better judgement to follow them. We arrive at the cottage.. It is very small, and very unwell kept. There is smoke coming out from the chimney and ALICE is able to smell ham being cooked on the racks.)

 

ALICE:

I had better get a closer look! I’m sure they won’t mind at all! After all,  I’ve yet to find one person here who does!

 

(ALICE inches closer, trying to keep undetected. She peeks into the opened window and looks around at the filth inside of the home. Flies are swarming old food that is yet to be thrown away.)

 

ALICE:

(to herself) Ugh! How anyone could stand to live in this filth is beyond me!

 

(Suddenly, the door opens, and THE DUTCHESS walks out to get  more firewood, just outside the house. ALICE quickly ducks out of sight. She is unaware that THE CHESHIRE CAT is laying on top of the windowsill watching her.)

 

THE CHESHIRE CAT:

You know what they say, “Curiosity  killed the Cat!” Well it’s nice to see some things never change!

 

(ALICE seems to jump out of her skin and lets out a slight scream.)

 

ALICE:

I’m..I’m not curious. I only needed a place to sit for a while.

 

THE CHESHIRE CAT:

Well! You’re just in time for tea! Won’t you come in?

 

ALICE:

(Being prideful) Well only because you asked so nicely!

 

(THE CHESHIRE CAT opens the door and invites ALICE in. The horrid smell, gives ALICE second thoughts on being there, but decides to sit down anyway.)

 

THE DUTCHESS:

Well isn’t this nice! Alice! How nice to see you again my dear! Would you like some tea?

 

ALICE:

Oh yes, thank you.

 

THE DUTCHESS:

One lump or two, dear?

 

ALICE:

One will be just fine thank you.

 

THE DUTCHESS:

(she hands ALICE her tea.) What brings you back after such a long time?

 

ALICE:

If I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure.

 

THE DUTCHESS:

Well, how did you get here?

 

ALICE:

I’m not so sure of that either. You see, I was sitting on the riverbank, with my cat, and I-

 

THE DUTCHESS:

How lovely! I have a cat myself!

 

ALICE:

Yes, I know. (She laughs) we’ve met before.

 

THE DUTCHESS:

Oh I’m sorry dear, my memory isn’t what it used to be, you know.

 

ALICE:

It’s quite all right. Now where was I?

 

THE DUTCHESS:

You’ve yet to tell us that.

 

ALICE:

Oh! I was sitting on the riverbank, and I fell asleep, and that is how I ended up here! I was quite certain, I was lost in a dream, but your cat told me otherwise.

 

THE DUTCHESS:

Yes, yes. He is rather knowledgeable. Why just the other day-

 

(Both ALICE, and THE DUTCHESS hear a faint voice. It is THOMAS'.)

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

THE DUTCHESS:

Did you say something, dear?

 

ALICE:

Of course not!

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

ALICE:

Wait, listen! Do you hear that?

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

ALICE:

That sounds like, Thomas! Thomas? Is that you?

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

ALICE:

It is Thomas! I’m saved! Thomas! (To THE DUTCHESS) I’m sorry, but I must be going!

 

THE DUTCHESS:

But you haven’t even finished your tea!

 

ALICE:

Oh I’m sorry but I have to go!

 

(She runs out of the cottage, in the direction of THOMAS' voice. Meanwhile, back at the cottage, THE DUTCHESS stares for a moment, and then quietly sips her tea.)

 

THE DUTCHESS:

(To THE CHESHIRE CAT) Such a lovely girl! Who was she?

 

(ALICE keeps running, growing tired. Nearly stumbling once or twice.)

 

THOMAS:

Alice! Where are you?

 

ALICE:

Thomas! I’m here! I can hear you! Where are you?

 

(She continues running, getting nearer to the sound of THOMAS' voice. Jumping and crawling over every branch in her way.)

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

(She runs faster and closer to THOMAS’ voice.)

 

ALICE:

I can hear you! Where are you?

 

(Alice and Thomas collide into one another at full speed.)

 

Together:

Oof!

 

THOMAS:

Alice, where have you been? Where are we?

 

ALICE:

How did you get here?

 

THOMAS:

I’m not entirely sure. Aunt Martha sent me to look for you, and I found you sleeping against a tree. After that, an apple fell on my head, and that’s all I remember.

 

ALICE:

Oh dear.

 

THOMAS:

No, I’m alright. Not even a bump! (He rubs his head.)

 

ALICE:

No, no. do you know what this means?

 

(THOMAS  is silent.)

 

ALICE:

It means that you are asleep too! And that we’re both having the same dream!

 

THOMAS:

That’s impossible!

 

ALICE:

No it’s true! Nothing is impossible, especially here. I’ll prove it!

 

THOMAS:

Go on, go on.

 

ALICE:

Well, do you remember the Cheshire cat I always talked about?

 

THOMAS:

Of course! How could I forget? But what has this got to do with-

 

ALICE:

Follow me!

 

(ALICE begins running through an alley of trees. While, behind her, THOMAS is getting smacked by nearly every branch in sight.)

 

THOMAS:

Slow down, Alice! I can’t keep up!

 

(She stops and turns to pick up THOMAS who is lying on the ground a few feet behind her.)

 

ALICE:

Hurry, Thomas! We’re nearly there!

 

(They arrive in the same place that the CHESHIRE CAT was at moments ago, only to find he is gone without a trace.)

 

THOMAS:

What is this about, Alice?

 

ALICE:

He was just, now where do you suppose he went?

 

(She begins looking behind the tree stump.)

 

THOMAS:

Who?

 

ALICE:

The Cheshire cat! Oh never mind!

 

THOMAS:

Wait, Alice, I’ve got it!

 

ALICE:

What?

 

THOMAS:

If we’re really asleep, maybe we can just yell really loud! I’m sure Aunt Martha or somebody will hear us.

 

ALICE:

Hmm I must say I’ve never tried it before. I guess anything is possible.

 

THOMAS:

Let’s give it a try.

 

ALICE:

Very well.

 

THOMAS:

Aunt Martha!

 

ALICE:

Mother!

 

THOMAS:

Aunt Martha!

 

ALICE:

Mother!

 

(Meanwhile, there are a DECK OF CARDS making their rounds near their location. The JACK OF CLUBS stops suddenly and motions the others to halt.)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

Hold it men! I heard voices! This way!

 

ALICE:

Thomas, hide!

 

THOMAS:

What on earth for?

 

ALICE:

Just trust me!

 

(She pushes THOMAS into a nearby bush and gets in after him.

 

THOMAS:

Alice! What was that for?

 

(ALICE puts her hand tight over his mouth.)

 

ALICE:

Thomas be quiet! Look!

 

(THE DECK OF CARDS jog past the bush)

 

DECK OF CARDS:

Hup hup hup!

 

ALICE:

You see?

 

THOMAS:

Are those, cards?

 

ALICE:

They are not your ordinary deck of cards!

 

THOMAS:

This is not normal!

 

ALICE:

Nothing here is! Wait, shh!

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

They stopped! Have a look around, men!

 

ALICE:

On the count of three, Thomas, we’ll sneak out of the bushes and make a run for it. Ready?

 

TOGETHER:

One, two three-

 

(The deck of cards ambush ALICE and THOMAS and grab ahold of them.)

 

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

Well, well. What do we have here? Why, Alice! Isn’t this a pleasant surprise? Take a look at this men, she even brought a friend.

 

THOMAS:

Leave my cousin alone you oversized playing card!

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

You’re both just in time for tea with the Queen! She’s been expecting you.

 

ALICE:

No, thank you. I’m sorry but I haven’t got the time. We are going home! Straight home!

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

(Sarcastically) But what is your rush? You’ve just got here! We have some catching up to do. But don’t worry, we have some of your friends joining us.

 

ALICE:

What does she want with The Mad Hatter?

 

TEN:

The trouble all three of you caused in the courtroom!

 

ALICE:

But I told you already, it wasn’t me!

 

JACK:

Oh? And who was it then?

 

NINE:

The Cheshire Cat perhaps?

 

(The deck of cards laugh at her and mock her. Her face turns a shade of red.)

 

ALICE:

It’s the truth!

 

JACK:

All right then! Let’s go! Both of you!

 

THOMAS & ALICE:

Let go of me! Take your hands off me! At once!

 

(JACK CARD AND TEN OF CLUBS pick up ALICE and THOMAS and begin singing)

 

DECK OF CARDS:

They’re going to lose their heads! Exactly as she said! It’s better them instead of us and soon they’ll both be dead! They’re going to lose their heads!

 

SCENE II: A Friendly Game

 

(We arrive in the courtyard of the QUEEN OF HEARTS’ Castle. We see a series of Rose’s. All of which, are in fact red. There is a sign ahead that says, DON’T PAINT THE ROSES! There at the very top of a flight of steps is the queen sitting on her thrown. Being serenaded by Mr. CATERPILLAR in his new Butterfly form. Smoking his pipe.)

 

MR. CATERPILLAR:

U, E, I, O, A.U, E, I, A.  A, E, I, O, U

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

That was wonderful! Sing me another!

 

(MR. CATERPILLAR PUFFS ON HIS PIPE, AND BEGINS TO SING ANOTHER TUNE WHEN HE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE QUEEN'S DECK OF CARDS)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

This had better be important!

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS

I assure you, your grace. This is worth your time!

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Very well. THEN GET ON WITH IT!

 

JACK CARD:

Bring them here!

 

(The TEN and NINE OF CLUBS come forward, carrying ALICE, and THOMAS over their shoulders. As they come closer, THE QUEEN OF HEARTS’ face turns bright red, creating a very evil smile on her face.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Why Alice! Isn’t this nice.

 

ALICE:

Oh, Mr. Caterpillar! It’s you!

 

(MR. CATERPILLAR puffs his pipe again and blows smoke in her face.)

 

MR. CATERPILLAR:

Who are you?

 

(The smoke rings form into letters. The letter O is created from You The letter R is created from Are, and the letter U is created from You)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

No one of importance! Now, OFF WITH HER HEAD!

 

THOMAS:

Wait, please! You can’t!

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Why who is this?

 

THOMAS:

My name is Thomas. Alice is my cousin!

 

(The QUEEN OF HEARTS gets out of her thrown and starts making her way towards THOMAS and begins pacing around him to critique his appearance.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Hmmm. Scrawny shoulders. Hair mangled, and your clothes, challenged.

 

THOMAS:

But I-

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Stand up straight! Tuck in your shirt! Now bow. Only speak when you are spoken to! And always answer with “Yes your Majesty!” Do I make myself clear?

 

THOMAS:

Yes, your majesty.

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Good lad.

 

THOMAS:

Your majesty, I want to ask if you will spare my cousins life?

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Well, we’ll just leave that to fate. You will play against me in a game of croquet. If I win, it’s off with her head!

 

THOMAS:

And if I win?

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

The dreadful brat will live!

 

(Thomas looks over his shoulder to ALICE. She is shaking her head and whispering  “No! No!” While folding her hands begging him.)

 

THOMAS:

I’ve never played croquet before, your majesty.

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Well, well! Then today is your lucky day!

 

THOMAS:

Is there no other way?

 

THE  QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(She snickers) My boy, you will learn. (She motions him to come closer.) Come here. (He walks closer to THE QUEEN) A little further. (He moves a little closer. She puts her hands over his ear, to tell him a secret.) ALL WAYS HERE ARE-

 

THOMAS:

Your way, your majesty. (He rubs his ear in pain.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Well, I see Alice has taught you well! However, if you will not play, then it’s off with both of your heads!

 

(THOMAS is silent for a few moments. Collecting his thoughts with what is at stake.)

 

THOMAS:

I accept!

 

THE  QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Then let the games begin!

 

(A fanfare is sounded, as the DECK OF CARDS bring out THE FLAMIGOS  and HEDGEHOGS. The DECK OF CARDS line up into multiple croquet goals. The WHITE RABBIT comes out onto the field to oversee the match trying to catch his breath.)

 

ALICE:

 (to herself) Why, the White Rabbit!

 

THE WHITE RABBIT:

(to ALICE) You’ve really done it this time, Mary Ann. (To AUDIENCE) Loyal subjects, (He bows to them.) Your majesty, (he bows to her, and she turns up her nose with pride.) And the King.. (THE KING bows to every one.) Today’s match will be against Her majesty, and the young boy!

 

ALICE:

Thomas please- (she tries to walk over to THOMAS, but THE DECK OF CARDS raise their scepters in the air and form an X preventing her to move past.) Please don’t do this!

 

THOMAS:

Trust me Alice! I know what I’m doing.

 

ALICE:

That is the thing! You don’t know! This is no ordinary game of Croquet!

 

THOMAS

Why, what do you mean?

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

SILENCE! I’m trying to concentrate! If I lose my concentration, you lose your head!

 

THOMAS:

Y-yes your majesty.

 

(THE QUEEN OF HEARTS' ’ face turns a shade of red, but soon vanishes. She shakes her head in disgust.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(under her breath) Those dreadful children.

 

(She picks out her favorite club. It is a bright red and pink FLAMINGO, taking the bird in her hands and stretching it out. She forcibly grabs a hedgehog up by the neck and throws him to the ground. He is frightened.  Taking her first shot, the cards scatter to allow the hedgehog to pass through each of them. THE HEDGEHOG scurries under and over each Goal. The audience cheers as she bows to each of them, boasting.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Well, it looks like it is your turn (smiles evilly) my boy..

 

THOMAS:

(looking very nervous) But I-

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Now!

 

THOMAS:

Y-yes your majesty. (He bows.)

(THOMAS  attempts to pull a BLUE FLAMINGO out of the bag, but the bird flies around and he is unable to catch it to take his shot. The AUDIENCE roars with laughter as his face turns red with nervousness. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS is looking rather annoyed.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Are you quite finished!?

 

THOMAS:

Your Majesty I can’t help it! Its the bird!

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(she rolls her eyes) I don’t know what you mean. GET ON WITH IT!

 

THOMAS:

But-

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Young man, this is your first experience so I will give you a warning. I will give you until the count of three. One..two..

 

(At that moment, THOMAS leaps in the air and grabs the bird by the legs and brings him back to the ground. Before the bird has a chance to escape he swings wildly and sends the HEDGEHOG flying across the field. The cards scatter to try and avoid the incoming “ball" and they do so all except the last three GOAL CARDS. He is relieved and THE QUEEN OF HEARTS is filled with rage.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Off with their heads!

 

(At that moment three GUARD CARDS come onto the field and drag the poor GOALIE CARDS away to meet their unforeseen fate.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(under her breath) Beginner’s luck..

 

(THE QUEEN OF HEARTS unruffles her gown, and brushes her hair back in a violent manner, feeling embarrassed. Her imminent rage takes advantage of her as she is finding it hard to concentrate on her next shot. She throws the HEDGEHOG on the ground and swings wildly sending the HEDGEHOG through the air. The DECK OF CARDS scatter into position allowing it to pass through each of them except for the last goal. The GOALIE CARD is shaken with fear. Knowing what is about to happen next.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

 

GOALIE CARD:

But-but I-

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

You heard what I said! Off with his head!

 

(Again, a deck of cards come out onto the field to carry yet another GOALIE CARD off of the field to await his fate)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(To THOMAS) Well, get on with it!

 

THOMAS:

(he bows) Uh-yes your Majesty.

 

 

(THOMAS picks up the BLUE FLAMINGO and chooses another HEDGEHOG out of the bag and sets it on the ground. The HEDGEHOG looks nervous awaiting  the incoming flamingo.)

 

THOMAS:

(to the HEDGEHOG)  I’m sorry. (To the FLAMINGO) Please, help me on this.

 

(The FLAMINGO stares for a moment and finally nods in agreement. THOMAS puts the bird on the ground to focus on his swing. Meanwhile, THE QUEEN OF HEARTS has a look of anger on her face. He swings the FLAMINGO by its legs causing it’s head to collide into the HEDGEHOG sending it through the air. The GOALIE CARDS scatter to avoid the incoming HEDGEHOG but again, all avoid except four cards. THOMAS wins the game of croquet and the audience cheers. At this point THE QUEEN OF HEARTS is furious.)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

SILENCE! (To THOMAS) Well, well, my boy. You have won, fair and square.

 

(THOMAS smiles with pride)

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

You and the dreadful brat will live. However,  you will spend the rest of your days, with those other two hooligans in the dungeons!

 

Thomas:

What? But why?

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Why? Why? For making a fool out of me! In my own Kingdom mind you! Off to the dungeon!

 

(The JACK, TEN AND NINE OF CLUBS come out onto the field to pick ALICE AND THOMAS up and carry both of them on their shoulders.)

 

THE  JACK OF CLUBS

All right then! Let’s go!

 

ALICE:

Let me go!

 

THOMAS:

Put me down! I won the game! You promised!

 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS: (she cackles with laughter)

Well my boy, tell it to the judge. Oh wait! I forgot, that happens to be me! Ta-ta! Farewell! Oh but not to worry, your friends are there waiting for you.

 

SCENE III: A “Turn” Of Events

 

(We head over to the dungeon.  The dungeon is dark, and full of cobwebs. Many prisoners are begging for mercy, while on the other hand, at the end of the hall, we find, as THE CHESHIRE CAT AND THE QUEEN OF HEARTS so promised, THE MAD HATTER and THE MARCH HARE.  Unlike the others, they are happy, and singing, all while drinking a cup of tea.)

 

THE MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: (singing)

They’ve locked us away

And they’ve thrown away the key!

But we don’t mind,

In fact its fine,

As long as we have our Tea!

A cup for you,

A cup for me

In perfect harmony!

You my friend

Would agree with me then

It’s always a perfect day for Tea!

 

PRISONER 1:

Stop singing that ridiculous song!

 

THE MAD HATTER:

Come, come! Don’t you care for tea?

 

PRISONER 1:

Well, yes in fact. I did! All until you two were brought down here!

 

THE MARCH HARE:

You clearly aren’t drinking enough tea!

 

PRISONER 1:

What have you two to be so cheerful about?

 

THE MAD HATTER:

Well, why not? It is our unbirthday after all! (He sips his tea)

 

PRISONER 1:

Yes, and it very well may be our last!

 

GUARD CARD:

Knock off that chatter!

 

(THE JACK, TEN AND NINE OF CLUBS walk in. Carrying ALICE and THOMAS on their shoulders.)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS:

Alright then. Where do you want these two?

 

GUARD CARD:

Put them in with the other two down the hall. I’m sure they would like to see their friends after all this time.

 

(They snicker)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS:

Right this way.

 

(He leads them down the hall to the last cell. He opens the door for ALICE to find The Mad Hatter and March Hare.)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS:

In you go.

 

(THOMAS tries to walk in first. But the JACK CARD puts his hand out blocking him from going in.)

 

THE JACK OF CLUBS:

Ladies first, boy.

 

(ALICE walks in, her nose up in the air with a hint of pride and self respect.)

 

ALICE:

Hmmph!

 

(THOMAS walks in behind her. The MAD HATTER and MARCH HARE look up from their tea for a moment to find ALICE and THOMAS standing in front of them.)

 

MAD HATTER:

Why Alice! This is a pleasant surprise!

 

MARCH HARE:

You’re just in time for tea!

 

ALICE:

Thank you, but I have to politely decline.

 

(A GUARD CARD walks up to the cell with two very short and overweight characters. It is TWEEDLE DEE and TWEEDLE DUM.)

 

GUARD CARD:

You! Girl!

 

ALICE: (she turns around)

What do you want?

 

GUARD CARD:

You have  visitors.

 

(TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM move in front of the cell door, to reveal themselves to ALICE)

 

ALICE:

Oh! It’s you two!

 

DUM:

We thought you could use some company!

 

ALICE:

Well, that was very kind of you, but I am in no mood for visitors.

 

DEE:

Nonsense! We insist! We will not take no for an answer. That’s manners!

 

ALICE:

This place has the farthest thing for manners!

 

DUM:

Then why did you come back?

 

ALICE:

I didn’t intentionally!

 

DEE:

But you must have! Otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now.

 

ALICE:

To change the subject, what do you two want? Another story? Perhaps the Walrus and the Carpenter again?

 

DUM:

Oh no!

 

DEE:

We wanted to recite a poem!

 

DUM:

We thought it would be fitting, giving the circumstances.

 

ALICE:

Oh very well!

 

DUM&DEE:

Well!

 

(They begin singing)

 

DUM&DEE:

To sit in solemn silence

On a dull dark dock

In a pestilential prison

With a lifelong lock!

Awaiting the sensation

Of a short sharp shock

From a cheap and chippy chopper

On a big black block!

 

(They begin humming it over and over again, skipping down the hall and out of the dungeon)

 

ALICE:

Peculiar people. If I ever get out of here, I should write a story about this place. (To MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE) Now then, what was I saying?

 

MAD HATTER:

But you just said it!

 

ALICE:

I meant before- (she stops and realizes she’s falling into another confusing trick) Oh never mind! Do you know of any way we can escape?

 

MAD HATTER:

Escape? Hmm. (Sarcastically) Well, if we play our cards right, I’m sure we’ll be out of here within the next hundred years or so. That’s if they don’t hang me from my own hat first. (He turns to Thomas.)  Who’s this fellow?

 

ALICE:

My cousin, Thomas.

 

MAD HATTER:

Do you care for tea?

 

THOMAS:

Well yes, actually. I do.

 

MAD HATTER:

Well! First, a riddle!

 

ALICE:

No, no. I’m sorry but we don’t have time.

 

MAD HATTER:

Of course you wouldn’t! That would be the White Rabbit.

 

MARCH HARE:

Come to think of it, I can’t say he has the time either. After all he had a mad watch!

 

MAD HATTER:

Oh, yes! One can’t associate with mad things. Or people for that matter.

 

(ALICE and THOMAS turn to look at the MAD HATTER in confusion. ALICE shakes her head, and begins pacing around the cell, trying to look for a way out. She looks at the bars on the window and begins pulling at them to find any weak spots. The CHESHIRE cat appears at the top of the window outside the cell.)

 

CHESHIRE CAT:

And the momeraths outgrabe! 

 

ALICE:

Oh Cheshire Cat! It’s you!

 

(THE DOORMOUSE under The MAD HATTERS hat wakes up in a panic.)

 

DOORMOUSE:

Cat? Cat?!

 

(He scurries all around the cell. The MAD HATTER and MARCH HARE run rapidly in attempt to catch him.)

 

ALICE:

(She sighs) Here we go again.

 

 (The MARCH HARE has the jam in hand. They tackle each other and tackle the DOORMOUSE. Meanwhile, THOMAS is standing back watching and laughing. THE MARCH HARE hurries and puts the jam on the DOORMOUSE'S nose. Until he falls asleep.)

 

CHESHIRE:

Sorry about that.

 

(THOMAS finds his cousin ALICE talking to the CHESHIRE CAT in amazement. He slowly walks up to both of them.)

 

THOMAS:

He’s- he’s real.

 

CHESHIRE:

As real as a Jabberwock.

 

THOMAS:

I beg your pardon?

 

CHESHIRE CAT:

Never mind. Delighted to meet you. I would shake your hand, but my claws are rather sharp. (To ALICE) Well?

 

ALICE:

Well what?

 

CHESHIRE CAT:

You have successfully found the Mad Hatter and March Hare. Per your original plan. But I found one flaw. You’ve decided to join them. How do you intend to escape?

 

ALICE:

I’m still working on it. I’m making it up as I go.

 

THOMAS:

Alice? You planned this?

 

ALICE:

It’s a long story Thomas. I’ll explain later. (To CHESHIRE) Can you help?

 

CHESHIRE:

I don’t see any way about me helping. But I’m sure you’ll think of something. Oh by the way, happy unbirthday!

 

ALICE:

Unbirthday. That’s it! C-A-T you’re a genius!

 

MAD HATTER:

 Did somebody say tea?

 

ALICE:

Yes! As a matter of fact I did! I would like a cup of tea! It’s my unbirthday!

 

MAD HATTER:

It is?!

 

MARCH HARE:

It is?!

 

MAD HATTER:

In that case-

 

(THE MAD HATTER takes off his hat revealing a birthday cake and they begin singing and dancing.)

 

MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE:

A very merry unbirthday!

 

ALICE:

To me!

 

MAD HATTER:

To you!

 

MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE:

A very merry unbirthday!

 

ALICE:

For me!

 

MARCH HARE:

For you! (He hands her the birthday cake)

 

MAD HATTER:

Now blow the candles out my dear and make your wish come true!

 

ALICE:

I wish we were free! (She blows out the candles)

 

MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE:

A very merry unbirthday to you!

 

(The cake explodes and rockets are sent flying up into the ceiling of the cell blowing a hole in the ceiling.)

 

ALICE:

We did it! Let’s go!

 

(The GUARD CARDS hear the explosion and jump up out of their chairs.)

 

GUARD CARD 1:

Did you hear that men? They’re escaping!

 

ALICE:

Oh no! Hurry! Give me a boost up to the hole!

 

(THE MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE, AND THOMAS all stack up on top of each other, as ALICE climbs on top of them and pushes herself out of the hole. She bends down and stretches out her hand to THE MAD HATTER.)

 

ALICE:

Give me your hand!

 

(The MAD HATTER stretches his hand to grab ALICES’ as she pulls him out through the hole. She reaches back down and out stretches her hand again for the MARCH HARE. He stretches out his hand and grabs ALICES' as she pulls him out next.)

 

GUARD CARDS:

Hurry men!

 

ALICE:

Hurry Thomas! You’re going to have to jump!

 

THOMAS:

I can’t!

 

ALICE:

Yes you can! Trust me!

 

(THOMAS leaps into the air, barely grazing ALICES' fingertips.)

 

ALICE:

You can do it, Thomas!

 

(THOMAS leaps in the air once again and is finally able to barely grab ahold of her hand.)

 

ALICE:

Hold on, Thomas!

 

(His hand slips and he falls back down to the ground)

 

ALICE:

(To MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE) Grab my legs!

 

(They hold onto her legs as she hurls her upper body into the hole.)

 

ALICE:

Jump Thomas! You can do it!

 

(THOMAS leaps into the air one more time and is finally able to fully grab her hands.)

 

ALICE:

(To MAD HATTER AND MARCH HARE)

Pull us out!

 

(They both pull her legs with all of their might and are able to pull them both out in the nick of time before the GUARD CARDS enter the now empty cell.)

 

THOMAS:

I can’t believe that plan worked. I must be mad!

 

MARCH HARE:

(Patting THOMAS on the back.) It’s not so bad, once you get used to it!

 

(The GUARD CARDS run to the QUEEN of HEARTS courtyard, where she is once again being serenaded by MR. CATERPILLAR)

 

GUARD CARD:

Your majesty! Your majesty!

 

(THE QUEEN OF HEARTS face turns three different shades of red, each of them growing deeper.)

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

This had better be important!

 

GUARD CARD:

(Shaken) They seem to have escaped, your Majesty.

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(Snickers evilly) They..escaped?!

 

GUARD CARD:

Y-yes your Majesty.

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

(To the JACK OF CLUBS) Sound the alarm!  (To the GUARD CARD) I’ll see to you later!

 

 

(THE JACK OF CLUBS  climbs up to a tower, to raise the alarm. The alarm is a curious kind of bird, with its legs tied around a post. The GUARD pulls out some of its tail feathers making him cry out in pain, sounding like an alarm.)

 

ALICE:

Oh no! Hurry! We’ve got to get out of here!

 

MAD HATTER:

But we can’t leave without having a cup of tea!

 

ALICE:

There’s no time!

 

(THE MAD HATTER and MARCH HARE sit down, as THE MAD HATTER pulls two cups and a kettle out from under his hat. They quietly sip their tea, as if they do not realize what is at stake.)

 

ALICE:

Come on!

 

(They both seem to ignore ALICE’S presence.)

 

ALICE:

Oh never mind! (TO THOMAS) Come on!

 

(They run through a field of grass and flowers, as they both suddenly trip. There are flowers of every kind and size holding them down and tying them up with their stems.)

 

ROSE:

Serves you right!

 

TIGER LILY:

Nothing but vermin you are!

 

ALICE:

Let me go!

 

(She wiggles her legs violently, able to break free. Except, she can hear the CARDS and the QUEEN OF HEARTS getting closer and closer. She gets up, and tries pulling the stems off from around THOMAS’ ankles. Out of desperation, she bends down and takes a big bite out of the stems, causing them to scream in pain and release their hold.)

 

ALICE:

Come on Thomas!

 

(They sprint through the field, as the QUEEN OF HEARTS find them running.)

 

QUEEN OF HEARTS:

Off with their heads! Get them!

 

ALICE:

Hurry Thomas!

 

(THOMAS with his scrawny legs is unable to keep up with ALICE. He falls behind and trips. The CARDS getting closer to him.)

 

THOMAS:

Alice!

 

(ALICE turns to find THOMAS a ways behind her and on the ground. She runs back to pick him up and drags him by the hand. There, at the end of the field, is a door. It is the same door, that helped her escape last time. She runs to the door and yanks violently on his nose.)

 

DOORKNOB:

Ouch! Some things never change, you know.

 

ALICE:

Oh I’m terribly sorry.

 

DOORKNOB:

(He wrinkles his nose.) It’s quite alright. Even though you seem to give me a turn at every turn! Striking good joke eh?  (TO THOMAS) Who’s this now?

 

ALICE: (she sighs)

Thomas, doorknob. Doorknob, Thomas. Now please! There’s no time! We have to get out!

 

DDOORKNOB:

Oh but you are! (He opens his mouth, allowing THOMAS and ALICE to find them both sleeping under the tree, the apple, next to THOMAS’ body and DINAH next to ALICE’S. MARTHA is walking across the field, to find them both asleep.)

 

ALICE:

That’s us! We are asleep! Scream Thomas! Scream!

 

THOMAS :

Aunt Martha!

 

ALICE:

Mother!

 

THOMAS:

Aunt Martha!

 

MARTHA:

Alice! Thomas! Wake up! (She nudges them both.)

 

(Meanwhile, behind them, the QUEEN of hearts is inches away from them. She is snickering with an evil smile on her face. They close their eyes to await what happens, and hear MARTHA’S voice plain as day.)

 

MARTHA:

I said, wake up!

 

(They open their eyes quickly, shaken and scared.)

 

ALICE:

Oh mother! (She hugs MARTHA) it was terrible! The Queen was about to-

 

MARTHA:

Queen, what Queen?

 

THOMAS:

She was just-

 

MARTHA:

(She shakes her head.) It was just a dream. Come along, you two. It’s time for tea. (She walks away.)

 

THOMAS:

Alice, we’re not mad. It really happened..didn’t it? It sounds impossible!

 

ALICE: (she smiles)

Thomas, have you not learned? Nothing is impossible. (They run across the field to catch up with MARTHA)

 

(Sang at the end)

Alice in Wonderland

How do you get to Wonderland

Over the hill or under land

Or just behind the tree?

 When the clouds go rolling by

They roll away and leave the sky

Where is the land

Beyond the eye

That people cannot see?

Where can it be?

Where do stars go

Where is the crescent moon

They must be somewhere

In the sunny afternoon!

Alice in Wonderland

Where is the path to Wonderland

Over the hill or here or there?

I wonder where

 

(the curtains close immediately after the CHOIR is finished singing)

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Submitted: January 21, 2021

© Copyright 2021 H.A Love. All rights reserved.

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