Diary of a Villainess

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

You’re looking for the IT girl. She’s tough, independent, pretty, smart but she’s humble and a bit of an underdog. Every girl needs to be the IT girl, they need to handle themselves and want to do it all on their own. I am not that person, I think I’m not the only one who feels this way too. Read on.

Anxiety, for me, caused a fair amount of issues. Speaking up felt like small needles being pierced into throat, answering a phone made the blood in my body boil over and cloud my hearing, small activities like lining up or answering my name on a roll call were situations my mind had deemed similar to near death.
 

It's silly, logic would suggest that these are but situations you walk through with no thought and move on with your life, like a quick blink; you do so without thinking about it. These moments did not process with me the way they did with other people. I lived in every moment and I felt every emotion that came with each thought and it tore into my being entirely.

I am not the girl you are looking for. 

I am not that girl who could just suck it up and be strong. My trauma did not make me confident and headstrong, it made me sensitive and paranoid.I'm not miss independent, carefree but funny, easy with the boys, pretty with no makeup on. I'm the anxious, cry baby loser. I need help all the time. I'm the girl who shakes when she freaks out, can't hold up a proper conversation, speaks too loudly or too quietly, standard cute, desperate to be cared for the way she cares.
 

Is it a standard to be this unrealistic version of what a girl is meant to be?

If it is does it mean I'm not the right fit?

Who I am is the version of the girl they show to make the "It" girl look better. Standard ditz, anxious or cares about her outfits. Maybe she also  says a few weird things. 
 

The "It" girl usually rolls her eyes and drinks the beer or maybe even does something considered cool? I don't know, it's all rotten to me.

The way the "It" girl is represented in the media makes it seem like that's the only type of girl that's worth it or is good and that every girl who doesn't fit this image is bad. 

If you're a girl like that, that's great because it's who you are but there is no protagonists fit for the representation of a girl. Even the girls who are like that don't think they are the "It" girl because their perception of themselves has become so warped that they can only see what they aren't. 

Not every girl is like that. Girls are loud, awkward, weird, dorky, pretty, funny and more. Some are more of those things than others. Why does that mean we aren't considered worth it if we can't fit the image directed? 

I'm not an "It" girl. I'm barely a girl. I keep trying to fit into a picture of the perfect girl and each time I hit a wall. 
 

The ultimate suggestion by the people, for the people: "be yourself!"

No,

they just want you to be their version of what "yourself" is meant to be.

I can't do that.

I can vibe out. I can have a laugh with friends, I can dress up in my favourite styles but there's a lot I can't do.

Im not "It" and it's not that I don't want to be because I do.

It's that me and the "It" girl live in very different universes. It's a good audience to tv celebrity line I can't cross. Sometimes I'm unsure if I'm the audience or if I'm the celebrity. 

 

-Lady Hollow 


Submitted: January 24, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Lady Hollow. All rights reserved.

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