Insight Into Mental Illness

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

https://write.as/CBC/

A letter of establishment of my writings.



I am creating a log/ record of my struggle of my mental illness. I am making 4 piece series of just my life dealing with mental illness.

#1 Before Realizing I Needed Help.

#2 Before seeking help

#3 after seeking help

#4 end result.

These writings are just my mental state at the time when writing. I am trying to simply log my journey. I am now currently seeking help.  Within the next month I will be finally receiving the proper help and will start writing the start of the my new chapter of both my manuscript and life.

Mental Illness

 

(Before Seeking Help)

 

"Anguish"

 

have been betrayed by most if not all. I've will nor have I ever the worst. to happy. I've never anyone stranger and I've out, bullied, and have for I've always to loved one never anything I have, quantity . I've in relive their misery, only in selfish hope lessen own. Ihad a filled with that I've been and tho no me troubled adolescence feeling no love or had a miracle during my teens namedis from God. It's the upon me .Earlyadulthood was difficulty but family bonding me relentlessly anything in my powerto of me losing my to to my family, myblood  mistreating me, I've family of value. The most upsetting thing remain laws favor and avoid any situation disappoint, Even way to valued need to of who would did. my brothers, me and praised my accomplishments. They love would throw out self preservation and self interest out the window and jump at a moment's notice their their lives more but my beloved. She will always rain all. Now let down by blood, family, and friends. Even those I've opento in bewilderment and I and none to aid. by the joking well maybe the we asked bath. from whom I least would expect it the Thathas led trust myself to and again. They have become luxuries I can not afford since I know I no longer have the strength to survive another heart ache. I now feel like I've to are and have a when walking the feeling of despair when I was thief. My plead if innocence falling on deaf ears. My world was shattered for a simple piece is around now have a sense of expecting betrayal on the to the onesresponsible for accusing and condemning areme in a my misery to evolve into torment that will inevitably become deceitful rumoinmy slowly poisoning what have left until I am eventually consumed by misplaced animosity towards find no longer give of expect the in is my who meaning of anguish due to experiencing it along withme. been since thenforward this plain we perceive Earth. of how I on my and enrages me. I will never go out without a fight for I do not have it in me to quit. Yet I wantmy terms.  People have always been without and tribulations and experience. Only my wife has of my . How am I man has demonstrated what manhood is. to can not How am show the idea has been obscured since do I learn to become a functionable member is society when I never had the equal opportunity of my peers around me. How do I comprehend what I'vegone through if I have no concept of mind is. if my mind is labeled ill. How do I earn a living when I am considered contraband as an illegal. How do I fill thein my heart. How do I find said satisfaction when nothing seems to fill it. HowI hope. Todayand I all my to can I find tongue. I the need nor do I of acceptance in anyform possible. I have and over be is rare and to reason to of bed. The fact that I am lucky enough to have somewhere to lay my head at night at moment gives me overwhelming feelings of gratitude am nothing but a now that I champion for always favor. I have if born out have name of to a made it wanted the feeling had many earliest being discovering a corpse hanging in a only time, he was in his 20's or early 30's. He always away, as me 4 or 5 at to of father to an step father me as he my ass half the give he realizes there was not enough his disciplinOr when I go his friends house and all I witnessed friends getting at them another beer. Or a mother to her treated as a to which hand downs were good enough. never to notice or time with him instead of partying her of "are what's were non existent praise The fact my whyduring ary acts. had console me or anyone I could confide run threatened, afraid of rescuing. No one what or give self inform me right from is the someonebeing being intrusive. Not even a lesson in fishing or self defenceexperienced a Just hand in paper. so by himself the radio asme old mountain bike just touched up tape to different, also. on because there wasn't any gifts and leaving in for a few they the morning realizing it happening up. of of style, an have never to my siblings. Never had a positive role model stand was my felt more the figures wearing all a red bandanna and teenager, since not even the military would allow me to join on behalf of my lacking is residency paperwork. I acted out and knew my parents the their bank that importance to As a and cry for help. up sedated by middle during high left to own By the time I adult, I how to Still to concept all that befalls me are treacherous long forgotten history that decide to when experiencing the same emotional response to a similar situation to which I am left distraught feel I am if I . I feel when as if every time I pick up 3, some or individual and causes me to feel people out or to be someones life. are or status they have in I'm not here is not am in surprised this amstill to the kindness that had me wife and the continue to breath because the fact that I'm still breathing frustrates the idea in after ly brings a eye. I seem to be labeled as crazy because I tend to speak to myself out loud. I only do so since I have no one that will listen to what I have to say nor anyone who will enjoy my company for that matter. having real from delusion and am constantly tormented of which I hear all times They at night to the my cious flaws unappealing ave constant thoughts oflive in off failing my beloved and being her deserves. give her always longed live feel as ridiculed and dismissed on my accomplishments. I have how to have lost the sense ofbelonging or the need of acceptance. The ability of havingcontrol of my own mind escapes if hours at a to both distant and bad. lay here sense the anguish, anxious and despair to which I no longerfeel relief byexpressing myself threw all I walls surrounded bydarkness with no own me " don't worry, itover reality is find All I seem ask myself IT my wife happiness. I will only my never leave yet am of wife that all place ng's going to no it myself.  This look life, and soul. Today is my birthday.

 

Soul over All.

 

By: CBC


Submitted: January 24, 2021

© Copyright 2021 c b c. All rights reserved.

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