Insight Into Mental Illness "Anxious"

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

Insight Into Mental Illness
"Anxious" State of mind



to becomemoreaware of theirsurroundings. Hearing improves due to the focus or concentration on any and every sound. detailoriented. naturally make an on reaction orresponse to a situation arise. of disturbance in by as some of players in the world have be true.Some believe anxiety is negative or something that treated. believe anxiety mind does to the It gives of processing higher and quicker rate. is I've been living with anxiety my whole that I suffered from severe I've dealt with it since childvery being in an (of mind. I accustomed that ofbeing able to function without it.Without being (Anxious). Iwon't of with anything. I would never accomplish anything.I'll just starting . Or my my day single care . I it's necessary for me to be (Anxious),  this to live. You see being (Anxious)me mania tome rockstar, walking aisle the head nod way threw the crowd. I enjoyed that very much. I believe I  experienced mania at a very early age, just didn't realize it what it is. I was very energetic and very mischievous. I was on a constant state of alert and felt uneasy. Esp especially around the time I knew my step father would be arriving home from work. So I would nervously listen for the sound of his Ford heavy duty work van pulling up into the driveway. My step father had the habit of arriving home intoxicated, reeking of alcohol and pot. That caused his behavior to and volatile. in a usually because and pay good pay check. In that case I would be given $20.00 for no apparent apparent reason. There are others times he would be irritable and overly aggressive where any little thing I did would set him would me. "Disciplining Afrom smacking face a a kicking me in the ass as I walked away. of when he by one hand around he both andkicked All time. Honestly a few times he would that he was the he realize of a disciplining" me. were on untill of he wouldrealize there was not enough his he would as an apologetic like Believe me when I tellremained (one night I he slapped me around a few, I began to laugh historically. I believe hit all the abuse. I wink that it became my step and leave to work. I then got up calmly, walked to the kitchen. Looked for the biggest sharpest knives in the kitchen. Took about 4 or 5. Grabbed some kitchen towels and some string I found in the kitchen drawer. Took everything back to my room were I began to wrap the handles of the knives with the towels. Then tie the sting around them. So the towel would stay on the handle. In my mind I figured, no finger prints, no evidence, no problem. I was 9 or 10 at the. That was takingaction. I was prepared to take his life as long as I never felt afraid again. I snapped. My mother who noticed my odd behavior since I kept trying to distract her from a drawer. She asked "que traes escondido alli?" She opened the drawer, lifted up a book and uncovers my weapon of choice. She began yelling at me historically. So I simply left the the house. I was ready to take his life and I wasn't even a teenager yet. I finally snappedand of killing but honestly, I was never the same while I spent moretime hanging around the nearest park. I tried to spend the least amount of time at home. I used to get smacked around when I would come home late. Around 11 p.m. I would arrive late at night in hopes of my parents we would be sound asleep. Sometimes I would be lucky, others not so much. Living in that manor for so long that I feel reason I was myminds self defense mechanism to cure my anxiety. began (Anxious) and that wouldtrigger my (Joyous) state now . So am accomplish nothing, I have no ambition tolack the will to act. It's not laziness, its more of needing a reason to light a fire under my ass. Unfortunately being (Anxious) causes more harm then good in the long run. becoming something if warping, shifting tool to a force that and prevents you from focusing on hand. take a nasty turn one way (Anxious), set for me my work ethic to be outstanding. Also has caused plenty issues and peers failing so much I people out in makingthem my the ability sometimes tounderstand obvious mood the fact that I'veannoyedthem withtebulldozithem. I thing when in their take,To ly dismiss or it becomes if my and crew members rising against where loose. In is, that's when I feel lost. A constant senseofimpending doom.That's carry a of an of tools help me any may arise from time. It's always good to be prepared, most would say. That is true.



August 3rd 7 a.m.


on in mania in a unforeseeable fashion. Randomly and volatile. Sometiof a give me to mood. Yesterday I awoke falling asleep. I awoke to my doctor's Tho after speaking to doc. I felt anxiety when someone you know is intellectually if Yet occurrence. To I'll put My anxiety, or (Anxious) stateof mind would trigger a manic anyone know what mania is like?  Anyone at all?? Well the mania. Now I conventional understanding of bipolar disorder, you Type 3. child I experienced type 3 for making other and causing lose would give get trouble. I've Mrs. Patterson bright, who by the way I had the mispleasure of running into her summer school year. I move go to s different Ceia, there. fucking bright. Anyways, I once pissed her off she saint at small back. Scapula side. Just point of a mischievous wild child I was) am. in state of mind. was parents as at Now I recognized.


know more illness, I experienced type 2. I able to bed hours. Reason being I had been sneaking out drywall stealing cars wreck less. by a fueled close call would only become of the same rush. had myself and another me to constantly go down an self destructive path which always put way. for fun. Joy riding, breaking into shop school, park and sports recreational areas. Had 3 pillow cases full was butter fingers, and being in 2v 's throwing at each the pack in to stealing gas of a later found That worst part. day. I every trash way my delinquency the morning news.



11 9:14 a.m.


(Insight Into Mental Illness After Seeking





emotional disaster. of ile this month, In a half glass half full perspective, it's not the worst this year. I'm hoping peak 's way So I the worst Or Just relived a memory in which I treated in so I proper way to attempt choose to ry or non is this cross road today. So I might as well use the tactic of demise against its negative attempt at me by applying the same strategy in a positive manor. A mental counter move if you will. So I choose to believe the worst episode is behind me. Thus exploiting a weakness as a new found strength. I've realized I can use same tactic to apply the If you be must expect as gravity, weight lessnes. The natural order of things artificial on nature. Newton's law. For every action there will always be a equal reaction. If you feel you've experienced kl true of finding true anguish comes clarity yet you will never know the feeling of victory because you will always finish second. Any fine tuned organism has to be perfectly balanced. Equilibrium is key. My belief system consists of this. God's law known as physics. For every action there will always be an equal reaction. Undeniable fact. As well as mathematical principal. A negative multiplied by a negative will always be a negative as well multiplied by a always come out So long physics earth apply. law, an on unless an external force is introduced in resistance be measured of can be applied mindset, or as we and do Therefore you will become your obstacle. As the saying goes, you will become your own worst enemy.

Tuesday September 8, 12:14 p.m


the realization today that I can't distinguish between being episode or mood.




the majority and that I'm becoming or manic episode, my personality in reality was shaped and molded by episodes of maniatriggered by Now without mania wheremy outgoing normally surface in social gatherings. Now blank and with the sense I vulnerability to which is overwhelming to the point I've surrendered to the behind the closed door where my skeletons reside. Each skeleton that I day to become a distant forgotten memory that will would cease to exist heart, relinquish me that my well time heals all wounds yet waits left behind.



Submitted: January 25, 2021

© Copyright 2021 c b c. All rights reserved.

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