Loss and Love

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

How it felt to lose my mother. Love wins and loses.

My mother died in April 2016. I was twenty-eight years old, and I had just sent announcement cards to the family that I was finally going to have a baby girl. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. Yes, I already had two beautiful boys. God blessed me one last time, and I think he knew I needed this baby girl in so many ways.

My mother had spent her whole life on drugs, and there were years I went without her. I thought this baby girl would maybe bring new life to both our hearts. My mom and I have been hundreds of miles apart for years. There was never a way to fix the broken. There were secrets I would never know about her. The truth that she took with her in death. She never wanted me to see the reality of the world she lived in. But I knew it; I knew it was always killing her. It hurt me so deeply when she died. I couldn't be there. The worst part is her phone wasn't working, and I missed her last call a few days before I got the news of her death. My biggest regret was thinking id call her back, and when I did, there was no answer. My grandfather and neighbor of hers had to break down the garage door in the house she lived in. This little room of shit and a bed was where they found her fallen between the bed and the desk.

She must have already been there for a few days when they got her out. It was the worst day of my life. The one-woman that I wanted to love me more than anything in my life, to make up all those lost years with, was gone. No answers. I flew out about a week later to have a gathering with her side of the family. I was so angry at all of them, and they didn't want to help her. They all gave up on her. In my anger, they should of all been there for her, knowing what her problems were. It wasn't fair to think like that of them, though, because I learned first hand my mother would never even take help from her daughter. So there I was at my grandfather's five months pregnant, with a heart about to burst. I couldn't speak. I had no words, just pain. We laid out these pictures of her in a frame, and we ate a meal together that day. It took everything I had to hold it in.

All I could hear was my mother's voice, "take care of yourself" that's what she always said to me when we talked or said goodbye. I just kept hearing those words for the day, knowing that I would hurt the baby girl I was growing inside me if I didn't stay calm. I never got to cry my heart out. I never got the truth I needed. The final goodbye left is a loss.

I want to remind people that no matter how angry we get at the people we love, it isn't meant to stay in your heart. Love is what we grieve. All the love we carry and cannot give. All the love that has no place left to go. So even if you get pieces of the people, you love, or that should love you. I love those little moments with them. That's all we get in life are those moments. Cherish every single one. Somehow you also need to know that they love you, but only the best way they know how to love you. It may have never been the way you needed to be loved. My mother and I certainly could never love each other the way we both needed. But that's all you get, people. Love is everything. It's meant to hurt you, to guide you, to make you find your knees. Love is all the power we have that makes us hold on to everything we have in our life. Don't be foolish and waste time. You will never get back. That's the truth in this. Love is learned, we learn to love the best way we know-how, and we have to accept when other people fall short on our needs for love. We are all human. Love wins. It's the only thing that ever truly wins, and loses.


Submitted: January 27, 2021

© Copyright 2021 LynnGrace. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Criss Sole

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it was.
Thank you for sharing your story, and i think that was a very important lesson.
I hope your daughter is well. All the best to you.

Sat, January 30th, 2021 10:21am

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