Coffee Cow

Reads: 82  | Likes: 17  | Shelves: 14  | Comments: 9

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Featured Review on this writing by hullabaloo22

All you need is a bucket.

The cow showed up in the back yard on a foggy morning.  It was my first cow, but here in rural Appalachia, large animals are not uncommon.  Bears eat apples from my neighbor’s tree.  An elk was grazing in a field last time I drove into town.
Farms and ranches dot the nearby countryside.  Someone probably left a gate open and the cow wandered down the utility easement to my property.
I know enough about cattle to tell the difference between genders.  Udders are an obvious clue.  I also know livestock are either branded or ear-tagged by their owners.  This one stood still, munching on my lawn, as I walked around her.  She didn’t have a brand or a tag.  Her ears were intact, there’s no way a tag had been torn off.
After taking some photos, I came inside and googled “what do you do if you find a cow.”  I called the county animal service.
“Yes sir, we do get reports of escaped livestock occasionally, give me a, we don’t have any active cases.  It may take the owner a day or so to realize one is missing.  Everyone is out on calls right now but we’ll send an officer by as soon as one is available.”
I glanced out the window.  She was still there, happily eating my fescue.  That spot won’t need to be mowed for a while.  I turned the radio to my favorite polka station, started a game of solitaire, and sipped on the last of my morning java.
The sun came out.  When I got up to close the blinds, I noticed the cow was gone.  It was just as well.  Grass goes in one end of a cow and what comes out the other end is something else entirely.  She’d already deposited several dookie bombs while she was my guest.
That afternoon an animal control officer stopped by.  He filled out a report and asked me to post my pictures to his agency’s website.  “There’s a Facebook group called “Cattle Lost and Found”, maybe you can find the owner there.”
So I uploaded the photos and went back to being a retired guy.
The next day was warm and sunny.  I checked the back yard.  No cow.  I checked the Facebook page.  No replies.  I was hungry and the car took me to IHOP for a Breakfast Sampler.  By the time I’d downed the last strip of bacon, I’d forgotten about yesterday’s visitor.
A week went by, and I woke up to a foggy morning.  After breakfast, I went out to water the garden.  The cow was back.  Chewing away where she’d left off.  She looked up for a moment when I opened the door, then resumed her meal.
I noticed her udder was swollen.  A distant memory from a nature show popped in my head.  Cows need to be milked regularly.  I’m the kind of guy who thinks he can do anything as long as there’s a video.  I went inside and googled “how to milk a cow.”
It looked pretty simple.  Until I set the metal bucket under the animal and knelt down.  And realized how big a cow is compared to a person.  She seemed okay with it.  I grabbed an udder and pulled, just like the video.
The first surprise was how warm the udder felt.  Downright hot.  A minuscule surprise compared to what followed.  The liquid that squirted from the udder wasn’t the expected milky white color.  It was dark brown.  And the smell was unmistakable.  Anyone who’s walked past a Starbucks will recognize that aroma.  This was an udder full of coffee.
I wasn’t sure what to do so I kept milking.  Or coffeeing.  It smelled good.  And it was hot.  I could see a fine vapor wafting away.
After a few minutes, the flow tapered off.  She made a sound I interpreted as a contented sigh.  I decided I was done.  I carried the bucket inside and placed it on the counter.
I felt like I needed to call someone.  But who?  The department of agriculture?  My veterinarian?  Geraldo Rivera?
Out the window, I saw the animal take another mouthful of grass before lumbering toward the utility easement.  That answered my question.  Without her, all I had was a bucket of freshly made coffee.  I barely believed what just happened.  No reason anyone else would take my word for it.
Now that was out of the way, the next question arose.  Was I going to drink the coffee?  I scooped some into a glass and held it up to the light.  Looked like coffee.  Held it under my nose.  Smelled like coffee.  Dipped a finger and had a taste.  Hell, it was coffee.  I filled the mug and added cream and sugar.
Best damn coffee I’ve ever tasted.  I downed two mugs before I realized I’d already consumed my usual amount that morning.  I poured the rest in a pitcher and put it in the refrigerator.
My new friend deserved a name, in the event this was going to be a regular occurrence.  Her appetite was not restricted to the lawn, she’d also eaten some flowers.  I named her Petunia.
To be ready for another visit, I got out my camera stand and mounted the phone on it.  Using a sawhorse to represent Petunia, I placed the bucket on the ground and moved the camera around until I found a good spot for filming.
Petunia showed up the next foggy morning.  This time I got coffee and a video.  I drank three mugs and had to force myself to put the rest in the refrigerator.  Then I posted the video on Facebook, along with a blurb asking if anyone had an explanation.
In retrospect, I should have known better.  I got some laughing emojis and a compliment on my Photoshop skills.  And three people asked “who really made the video”, as if I wasn’t smart enough to edit video.  But no one took it seriously.
So I said fuck it and decided I had no reason to share Petunia with the rest of the world.
But it’s not like I’m antisocial.  If you happen to be in the neighborhood some foggy morning, you’re welcome to stop by for coffee.  Be glad to make you some Folgers Classic Roast.  I’ve also got decaf.  If you’re wanting what Petunia brews up, forget about it.  You can get your own coffee cow.

Submitted: January 28, 2021

© Copyright 2021 Serge Wlodarski. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Criss Sole

Hehehe, oh that Petunia sounds like a blessing! I would LOVE my own coffee cow.
Sounds like her coffee is top-notch too.
Great story.

Thu, January 28th, 2021 11:56am


Thanks! Keep an eye out, there's bound to be more than one.

Thu, January 28th, 2021 6:24am

88 fingers

I'm not a coffee drinker. So if I could get a cow that has English Breakfast tea, or chocolate milk, it's welcomed to eat the where vegetation I live.

Thu, January 28th, 2021 12:05pm


I'll let you know if something comes up. Thanks for reading.

Thu, January 28th, 2021 6:22am


Great idea for a story, Serge!

Thu, January 28th, 2021 7:08pm



Thu, January 28th, 2021 12:51pm

moa rider

Not that its a competition Serge, but I had a goat that ate sawdust and crapped out firebricks. Usianguke

Thu, January 28th, 2021 7:43pm


That sounds like a source of renewable energy, and a good story.

Thu, January 28th, 2021 12:51pm

D. Thurmond aka JEF

That was a fun story, Serge. --- Now, if only she pooped Sticky-buns and dough-nuts, you could go into business. LOL

Thu, January 28th, 2021 8:34pm


Sounds like I need more cows. Thanks!

Thu, January 28th, 2021 12:49pm


Better not trade her for some beanstalk beans! Great story!

Fri, January 29th, 2021 6:17am


Hehehe! Thanks for reading.

Fri, January 29th, 2021 3:49am


All I can say is that I WANT A COW like that and my brother agrees that he wants one too lol.

Sat, January 30th, 2021 11:33am


I've already got a waiting list but I'll let you know when one is available. Thanks for reading.

Sat, January 30th, 2021 7:51am

Nicholas Cochran

Serge. Udderly delightful. Kept me wondering until the end. Loved it. Well done.
Oh, BTW, let me know if a sheep with espresso chews by.

Mon, February 1st, 2021 10:12pm


I'll do it! Thanks for reading.

Tue, February 2nd, 2021 3:53am

Sharief Hendricks

Hahahah...Very Unique Serge!!

Being a coffee addict myself, You best prepare yourself for a visit from me soon...

Ps. I'm a Classic Roast kinda guy...wink...wink...

Tue, February 16th, 2021 3:23pm


Come over in June. The golf courses are covered with snow now.

Tue, February 16th, 2021 12:21pm

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